The Surrendered Wife (29 page)

“I love the idea of there being two sexes, don't you?”

—JAMES THURBER

T
he women in the Surrendered Circle had similar experiences with initiating sex. Still, none of us wanted just to sit and wait for our husbands to come to us if we were feeling amorous. So we thought of other ways to get the ball rolling when we were in the mood … without making demands or requests. The solution? We decided to show him we were available to receive sexually. There are hundreds of ways to do that, each with a varying degree of risk. Here are some examples:

1. Squeeze his arm and say “Oooh, you're strong.

2. “Put on a negligee and lay on the bed with a book.

3. Tell him he looks sexy in those jeans and squeeze his butt.

4. Give him a long, slow kiss and a hug.

5. Snuggle up with him in bed.

6. Tell him that you're feeling especially erotic today.

7. Take off all your clothes and get into the bed or the shower with him.

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elling your husband you think the two of you should have more sex is much less scary than making yourself available, of course, because with the former, you avoid really putting yourself out there where you could be rejected. Even if he says no, you won't feel much of anything because you have your armor on.

On the other hand, once you're laying on the bed in front of him in a lacy teddy and your intentions are unmistakable, anything short of an enthusiastic response will be disappointing. That's the vulnerability of receiving, instead of initiating. Because of these inherent risks, it may be tempting to read the obituaries or search the Internet for a bargain on vitamins instead of making yourself available.

When I surrendered sexually, I did the best I could to keep breathing and remember that I was with a man who loved me and wanted me to be happy. I told myself that I was safe and I focused on enjoying being pursued and desired. I admit, this tested my surrender limits, but I am also proud to report that my new behavior was blissfully rewarded.

If your husband responds enthusiastically when he sees that you're available, you will get what you wanted in the first place—sexual intimacy with your husband. That can be scary too, because true physical intimacy brings both partners to a very vulnerable state. But the more vulnerable you are, the more potential there is for passion, and that will take you on a journey to intense connection and satisfaction.

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“It's great to work with somebody who wants to do things differently.”

—KEITH BELLOWS

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ut what if your husband is not approaching you as much as you might like? Patty's story illustrates the importance of staying focused on our own self-care in this situation instead of trying to manipulate or make demands.

One evening when Patty's husband came home from work, she found herself wishing he would approach her to make love. She also knew that she was just too tired to put energy into seducing him. Instead of saying anything, she asked herself what it was she needed right then. The answer was a nap, and she announced that she was going to lie down for a while. When she woke up two hours later, her husband had put the kids to bed and washed the dishes. Patty felt refreshed and grateful. When her husband came to bed shortly thereafter, he wanted to have sex with her, and everyone went to bed happy.

Had Patty not taken the nap, she would have felt tired and less available. Had she asked for sex, her husband might have felt controlled and resentful. The moral of the story is, as with all surrendering, to put your own needs first and let go of the results.

“That's enough, and enough is too much!”

—POPEYE

Your marriage contract includes an agreement to have a mutually exclusive sexual relationship, and you owe it to your marriage to manifest your intimacy physically and to keep your end of the bargain.

Make yourself available for sex at least once a week whether you feel like it or not.

If you find yourself thinking of sex as a hassle or trying to avoid it, ask yourself what you need to get in the mood, and remember, as with all surrendering, express your desires to your husband. Surrendering sexually means you do your part to maintain a healthy sexual relationship by regularly making yourself available for this pleasurable experience.

R
are is the marriage where both partners are completely satisfied with the frequency of sex. In
Annie Hall
, Woody Allen's character complains to his therapist that he and his wife hardly ever do it—only two, maybe three times a week. At the same time, she is complaining to her therapist that they do it all the time—two, maybe three times a week!

Sex in a marriage is one of the most spiritual ways that we remind ourselves who we are. Something mystical and inexplicable happens when couples bring their energy together and merge physically.

Surrendering in your marriage has a terrific effect in the bedroom, just as surrendering in the bedroom has a tremendous effect on your marriage. There are a few reasons for this. For one thing, men don't want to have sex with their mothers, and that's who we remind them of when we're controlling and bossy. For another thing, when a wife relinquishes control of when, how, and where sex happens, she is free to focus on receiving and being vulnerable. In response to this, the man's masculinity awakens and he feels more inclined to be tender and generous with his wife. The more attention he gives her, the more likely she will feel grateful and satisfied. If she expresses this gratitude, the man feels appreciated and is likely to give even more.

If you're thinking this sounds great in theory, but has nothing to do with your reality, take heart. This passionate, mutually gratifying sexual relationship isn't as elusive as you might think.

Since a healthy adult sexual response includes the desire to have sex, if you don't enjoy and look forward to making love with your husband, something's wrong. Just as you would suspect you
were sick if you lost your appetite for food, losing your sexual appetite is an indication that all is not well, and you will want to do whatever you can to heal. You'll know when you're better because your desire will return in full swing.

Perhaps a drop in your sex drive means you're resentful or angry. Maybe something physical is turning you off. You might have an emotional injury that interferes with your normal desires. Whatever the root of the problem, curing it is critical to intimacy. Here are some of the underlying reasons women lose interest in sex.

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“The definition of a beautiful woman is one who loves me.”

—SLOAN WILSON

“I'm Not in the Mood.”

I often hear women say that they are “not in the mood.” This is
not
a wise reason to refuse your husband in bed. Moods come and go, and, as you know, just because you don't start out wanting to have sex doesn't mean you won't end up there before it's over.

You always have a choice about what to do with your body. But if it's intimacy you're after, say “yes” at least once a week when your husband wants to make love regardless of whether you're in the mood. After all, why would you pass up the chance to have physical intimacy with your husband when it's such a vital part of overall intimacy? Agreeing to make love with your husband helps make him feel loved.

This is not to say that you should be a doormat. Agreeing to
have sex doesn't mean you don't ask for what you want first. For instance, I might respond to my husband's advances by saying “I'd love a back rub to get me in the mood,” or “I'm up for it, but only if you can catch me first.” I might request candles and scented oil, a certain sex position or an old Steely Dan album first. Generally he's more than happy to give me what I want because, as always, he wants to make me happy.

“I Don't Feel Emotionally Connected with Him.”

If you've lost your appetite for sex because you feel abandoned in your marriage and overwhelmed with all your responsibilities, it may be that you're exhausted from doing everything, or can't find the time to get romantic after working and taking care of kids all day. Remember that as you begin to relinquish some responsibilities to your husband, you'll have more energy, so part of the cure is to practice the other steps of surrendering—being respectful, receiving graciously, relinquishing control, expressing gratitude, and (perhaps most of all) practicing good self-care. As you commit to regular physical contact, you will begin to find more enjoyment in it because you can devote the energy you were formerly using to avoid sex to expressing what you want to make sex enjoyable for you. Who knows? Maybe lovemaking will make your list of the top ten things you love to do.

If you're thinking, “He doesn't do anything to help me, so why should I do something he wants?” remember that everybody loses during a long, lonely standoff. This attitude puts you no closer to restored harmony. Not least of all, withholding sex as a bargaining chip in the relationship is a terrible misuse of physical intimacy. If you make sex seem like a reward for “good” behavior rather than a mutual pleasure, you abuse your power and dismiss your own healthy desires. Saying yes whenever you can is a good way to ensure that you avoid the chilling effect of a sexual power struggle.

“I Can't Get Aroused.”

Even if you don't feel irritated with or estranged from your husband there could still be another reason you're feeling disconnected from your desire in general. Check with your doctor to see if there's a physical cause. Certain medications can lower your libido. Nursing a baby or going through menopause may also cause you to feel temporarily disinterested in sex. Sometimes there are simple solutions to these hindrances, such as switching to a different medication or employing a hormone therapy.