The Surrendered Wife (33 page)

“Rare is the person who can weigh the faults of others without his thumb on the scale.”

—BYRON LANGFELD

O
bviously, there will be times when you need to address your husband directly. But learning to communicate clearly will make your message ten times more effective. Start by separating the real issues from the red herrings. Since most controlling wives tend to err on the side of saying too much and end up diluting real issues with inappropriate rages, it's best to reason things out with someone else first. Rehearse what you are going to say so that it's focused, clear, and free of blame or shame. You certainly wouldn't want to let those red herrings obscure a valid point. If your complaint is legitimate, it can wait until you've discussed it with someone else. This is an important part of learning to communicate
clearly. I struggle with this myself because when I'm exasperated, I don't want to wait for anything. I just want to let him have it!

Janet's husband, Danny, repeatedly made her late to choir practice by coming home behind schedule to take care of their son. She was so angry at his lack of consideration that she wanted to accuse him of never supporting her. According to Janet, he was so self-absorbed that he couldn't enjoy spending quality time alone with their child.

Fortunately, before Janet said anything, she talked to other women about the situation. She told her neighbor about her frustration, and in speaking about it, she realized that there was only one thing she was truly upset about: being late for choir practice. She couldn't claim that Danny didn't support her passion for the choir because he came to every performance. How could she say that he didn't love being with their son when she knew that he always looked forward to their pizza nights alone?

So, aided by the perspective she gained from conversations with women, Janet stayed focused. She delivered a pure message by saying “When you come home late on Tuesday nights, I feel disappointed that I have to be late to choir practice.” Then she left for rehearsal without further discussion.

When she came home later that night, still feeling marvelous from all that harmonizing, Danny was brooding. He baited her a few times, looking for the comfort of a familiar brawl. But Janet felt too good to engage and simply rebuffed his self-critical comments that he was “such a loser” and “couldn't do anything right.” Instead, she told him she appreciated him for providing her with the opportunity to participate in the choir. Her gratitude caught him off-guard and disarmed him. They went to bed without an argument.

The following week, he was home in plenty of time for Janet to
make it to the start of choir practice. She thanked her husband for being so considerate.

If Janet had said, “You're always late and I'm sick of it!” or “Why don't you try being on time for a change!” her husband probably wouldn't have heard her feelings, much less taken them seriously. Instead, they would have been locked in a battle, and before either of them knew it, they would have lost the main issue—Janet's getting to practice on time—in the crossfire. But Janet's short, to-the-point comment left Danny to think about only one thing: his behavior. He seemed to feel the weight of what he'd done, since there weren't any distractions to help him tune out.

Janet had a legitimate issue, and by “picking her battle” carefully she avoided provoking a fight and going to bed in a huff. Instead, her husband heard her feelings in a mature, fair, and strong way. How could he not be attracted to that? No intimacy was lost, and everything was gained.

The same will happen for you when you process your complaints with a wise friend before you deliver a message to your husband.

“If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

—HENRY DAVID THOREAU

Whatever your faith, trust that your husband is the instrument of a higher being and make a decision to appreciate what He has created.

Remember how miraculous it seemed to meet him and fall in love and marry? Your husband's presence in your life is no less miraculous today, so don't take it for granted. Your higher power brought you together for an important reason—so that you could grow into your best selves. Remember that the challenges that your husband presents are partly your lessons to learn.

W
hen you have faith in a divine power, you have assurance that someone is watching over you. When you surrender to your husband, you accept that a supreme being is looking after you both, which gives you a safety net to keep surrendering even when you're terrified.

When you trust in a higher being, you acknowledge that things beyond
your
power are the way they are meant to be. You learn to yield your will, enjoy things just as they are, and exist in greater harmony, not just with your husband, but with all the circumstances in your life.

S
URRENDERING IS
A S
PIRITUAL
M
ETAPHOR

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature—trees, flowers, grass—grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence … We need silence to be able to touch souls.

—MOTHER TERESA

H
arboring the illusion that you can control someone else is about as reasonable as believing that you can control the waves in the ocean—and just as frustrating. Letting go of that illusion is a
spiritual journey. It is the process of learning reverence for the divine order of the universe, and acquiring the wisdom of acceptance. This journey requires faith in things unseen and acceptance that there are some things you simply can't change.

If you don't have a higher power or don't believe in one, surrendering to your husband is going to be a very tough leap. Without faith in a power greater than you, you might as well continue to try to control everyone and everything around you. After all, if you are the only one who's watching out for you, then it makes sense that you would try to \control your circumstances as much as possible.

For example, if you are secure in the knowledge that your higher power is your source for all things, then when you have financial worries for your husband you can remind yourself that the Creator is in charge, and that everything will happen in perfect divine timing. If you find yourself wanting to correct your husband's parenting skills, you can act on the belief that God made your husband the father of your children for a reason, and that it's not your job to second-guess your husband or God. When you're tempted to criticize or teach your husband, you can remind yourself that he has his own higher power and you're not it. With a higher power running things, there's no reason to try to control your husband.

In fact, trying to control another person is as pointless and futile as trying to control the ocean, but just for the sake of argument, let's say you were going to try. You might tell the waves to calm down and the water to move back, but of course, nothing unusual would happen. You could then jump up and down and scream at the ocean to do as you say, but still nothing would change. You might even try to push the waves back with your hands, but you'd only get all wet. By this time, you would probably be agitated and stressed out, but no closer to getting the ocean to do what you tell it to do. (Does this remind you of trying to control your husband?) You certainly wouldn't have any peace.

Since you know you cannot reckon with the forces of nature, I'm sure you don't even try. When you're
not
trying to alter the waves, you're free to admire their extraordinary force and beauty. You can just relax and enjoy yourself. Allowing yourself to be nourished and energized—instead of depleted and frustrated—as you look at the ocean is a reminder that the Creator is far more powerful than you.

You can also take comfort in knowing that God manages impeccably without your help. Focusing on the beauty of the water meeting the sand might help you remember that although you cannot see the Creator, you can enjoy his gifts. It might even make you feel closer to your higher power to admire and appreciate his creations. I call that a spiritual experience—where you feel the safety, peace, and utter calm of knowing you are not alone. Who can marvel at the ocean without feeling that?

W
HAT A
P
IECE OF
W
ORK IS
M
AN

I go walking, and the hills loom above me, range upon range, one against the other. I cannot tell where one begins and another leaves off. But when I talk with God, He lifts me up where I can see clearly, where everything has a distinct contour.

—MADAM CHIANG KAI-SHEK

I
f you think about how admiring (instead of trying to alter) God's creations (like your husband) makes you feel a divine presence, then you can begin to see how surrendering can make you
feel closer to God. The more you admire your husband's magnificence and how everything about him is just as it should be, the more you will feel God's presence. The more you feel God's presence, the closer and more real your association and connection with Him. Faith and intimacy with your husband is a manifestation of your faith and intimacy with God.

H
IRING A
H
IGHER
P
OWER