The Surrendered Wife (32 page)

—ARNOLD BENNETT

W
hen I tell some women to apologize to themselves, they try to explain that they
really aren't
doing a good job. They tell me they've taken one step forward but ten steps back. They tell me how completely rotten and horrible they've been.

If you have apologized to your husband for being disrespectful even once, withheld criticism even once, deferred to his thinking even once, let him solve his own problem even once, or expressed your gratitude for him even once, you have begun to surrender. Even if you raged at him and berated him and dismissed him ten times after that, you have begun to surrender.

Give yourself credit for what you have done right.

Acknowledge to yourself that you have taken action toward changing your life, and encourage yourself to try again tomorrow.

If you continue to surrender and to support yourself in your genuine efforts, tomorrow
will
be different. Don't clobber yourself every time you say something regrettable. Make apologies as appropriate and give yourself credit for changing according to your new insights. Think about how many people ignore new information because they are afraid of changing the
status quo
or because it's inconvenient. But you are heading directly into the intimidating waters of transformation. What courage you have!

Even if you have done nothing else, you have made progress
by getting this book. Give yourself a pat on the back, and keep reading.

M
ORE
P
ITFALLS TO
A
VOID

“If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we aren't really living.”

—GAIL SHEEHY

T
here's one more pitfall to watch out for. If you're like me, you will have a feeling of profound sadness when you compare your new behavior to your old habits. Once you begin surrendering even the tiniest little bit, you will begin to see the horror of your old self.

This happened to Margaret when she and her husband Glenn went to a Chinese restaurant that was partly self-service. They ordered at the counter and a server brought them their food, but they bussed their own trays on the way out, which is why Margaret had objected to leaving a tip on a previous visit, ages ago. After she started surrendering, Glenn brought up the idea of leaving a tip again. This time, she shrugged and said, “whatever you think,” so Glenn left some money. Suddenly Margaret knew that each of the dozens of times they had been there before, Glenn had probably wanted to leave a tip, but he didn't because he feared Margaret's disapproval.

“Seeing with this new perspective, I feel awful about everything I had done before,” she told me.

I felt the same way when I watched John quit a job he had
hated for four years only to land a higher-paying one that he liked better shortly after I surrendered. I knew he had hesitated to leave his job because of my worries about our financial security. I realized I had been discouraging him from making a change because of
my
fear.

Sure, our husbands could have done things differently if they really wanted to, but they would have done so against the wishes of the one person in the world who matters most to them. So it's pretty sad to see how you've been keeping your best friend and lover from pursuing those things—big and small—that would make him happy. But no matter how much you regret your behavior in the past, do not wallow in guilt about it now. That's an unproductive energy drain.

Sister Wendy Beckett, a well-known art critic and one of the wisest women on the planet, told Bill Moyers during an interview “I don't think being truly human has any place for guilt…. Contrition, yes, but guilt no. Contrition means you tell God you are sorry and you're not going to do it again and you start off afresh. All the damage you've done to yourself [is] put right. Guilt means you go on and on belaboring and having emotions and beating your breast and being ego-fixated. Guilt is a trap. People love guilt because they feel if they suffer enough guilt, they'll make up for what they've done, whereas, in fact, they're just sitting in a puddle and splashing. Contrition, you move forward. It's over. You are willing to forego the pleasure of guilt.”

The next time you find yourself contemplating a big plate of worms, make a decision to forego the satisfaction of guilt.

Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even keeping them in hot water will not make them tender.

—MARY BUCKLEY

Let your urge to control be a clue that you need to examine your feelings. When you find yourself thinking, he's loading the dishwasher the wrong way, ask yourself what's really bugging you right at that moment. Call a friend, and keep talking until you figure it out, but don't attack your husband.

Likewise, if you're going to tell your husband you are angry or unhappy about something, first rehearse with a friend how you will present your issue. Check to see if you can deliver the message in terms of how hurt or sad you feel, rather than angry. Practice delivering your message so that you stick to the topic and don't throw in red herrings that will detract from your legitimate issue.

I
n a detective story, the red herring is the misleading information that keeps the detective from discovering the truth. I have learned that my temptation to control John—whether it's wondering when he's going to start the taxes or how he's going to make it to work on time—is also a way to distract myself from figuring out what's nagging at me in my own life.

For example, maybe I'm nervous about my impending deadline or irritated with a client for not getting back to me. Perhaps I'm upset with a friend who has hurt my feelings, or I'm just plain exhausted. I sometimes try to displace my anxiety about these situations on my husband by trying to control him.

Now that I'm on to myself about this, I've learned to look inward when I think something my husband is doing is bugging me. Even if I can't put my finger on what I'm worried about, now I can eliminate whatever my husband is doing from the list of usual suspects.

Feeling powerless about a situation in your own life can sometimes lead to the urge to rearrange somebody else's. Other people's shortcomings are easier to see than our own, and their problems seem easier to fix since we have no attachment to them. Unfortunately, taking the approach of trying to “fix” your husband will not only impede intimacy, it will also irritate him. On top of that, it brings you no closer to solving your original problem.

When Sharon called to tell me that her husband was not spending enough time with their daughter, I sensed she was distracted by a red herring. She was sure that she had a legitimate gripe and was annoyed by the very suggestion that there could be something in her own life that she might feel anxious about. Finally, she admitted that she was sad and scared about talking to
her sister, with whom she had been quarreling. This was a difficult topic for Sharon—and she wanted to avoid it. Focusing on her husband's shortcomings was a handy diversion.

While Sharon was avoiding the unpleasantness of dealing with her sister, she was creating another problem by criticizing her husband's behavior. He then wanted to avoid her. Now, she was lonely, wanted to eat worms,
and
she still wasn't talking to her sister.

The next time I spoke to Sharon, she had a different perspective. She saw that she had been distracted by a red herring—her husband's parenting—and needed to handle the real McCoy—the situation with her sister. Finally, she approached her sister and reached some resolution. Afterwards, she acknowledged that her husband was quite attentive to their daughter. The huge concern she'd had the other day seemed like an overreaction now. Her husband had been supportive in listening to her process the conflict with her sister; and she no longer had the urge to criticize him, or “let him have it” about his parenting.

I
DENTIFYING THE
R
EAL
M
C
C
OY

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.”

—CHINESE PROVERB

S
ometimes you'll have a legitimate complaint about your husband. Perhaps he is chronically late, sloppy, cranky, insulting, or smelly. Sometimes you will want to berate him for one of his truly
annoying habits. But how can you tell the difference between a red herring and a situation where you need to speak up?

If you find yourself with a criticism about something that doesn't usually bother you, chances are it's a red herring. If you're thinking about something small (he doesn't rinse out his coffee cups and they're gross), it's most likely a red herring. His habit may truly bug you, but is it worth nipping him so he'll want to avoid you? No. Instead, ask yourself what could be bothering you. Are you overtired, hungry, or lacking in self-care? Try to give yourself what you need.

If, however, you find yourself with a complaint that eats at you repeatedly—and it's not that his socks never make it into the hamper—then you have something to talk about.

Once you eliminate other suspects and you're sure that you have an authentic problem with your husband, the first thing to do is to talk about it with another wife, preferably somebody who is supportive of your surrendered marriage. Tell this girlfriend how sad you feel that your husband hasn't approached you for sex in weeks, or that he belittled you again, or that you're tired of being broke all the time.

Your fear, sadness, hurt, and anger are real. Do not dismiss them. Do not try to pretend that they're not there. Express these feelings to yourself, your friends, or your therapist. If all else fails, write them down.

If you feel something, it's as real as this book that you're holding now. Before you decided to surrender to your husband, you may have expressed those feelings to him indiscriminately. Discussing your emotions with
someone
is good for your mental health. Blurting out your feelings—which may at times have been harsh or negative—to your husband is not ideal for your marriage. Those sharp words cause conflict and put distance between you and your spouse. Therefore, I'm suggesting that you seek validation for these feelings privately
outside
of your marriage.

In other words, don't squash your feelings. It won't work. I've tried to squash mine, but I am always reminded that feelings demand an outlet. You can't wish them away or dismiss them; the more you get to the heart of them the more you know about yourself and your marriage.

If you don't know any other wives who practice surrendering, get on the Internet and go to the bulletin board at www.surrenderedwife.com. Describe your situation and ask for support. You will find remarkable wisdom and compassion there.

E
FFECTIVELY
R
EGISTERING
Y
OUR
F
EELINGS