The Surrendered Wife (36 page)

“Politeness is the art of selecting among one's real thoughts.”

—MADAME DE STAËL

T
he truth is, there are some things you are better off
not
communicating with your spouse. The less you communicate hurtful truths and criticisms, the better your intimacy will be, and the stronger your marriage. This is the same treatment you'd give a friend who had put on weight or gotten an awful haircut—you would use manners and discretion.

I often hear women justifying their lack of diplomacy by saying, “But it's the truth! He
did
choose terrible stocks to invest in! He
did
pick his teeth at the governor's ball!”

The truth is, it's not always such a great idea to tell your husband the truth. Sure it feels good to be right. Everyone likes to feel smart, and saying “I told you so” is undeniably satisfying. But in my experience, this kind of satisfaction is not worth the price of admission because it puts distance between my partner and me. If you would rather snuggle and giggle in bed together than stay up late arguing, don't tell him those kinds of truths. Your husband deserves the same diplomacy and grace that you would offer to any stranger next to you in a waiting room.

Today you won't catch
me
asking John how he feels about anything. He doesn't like it, and I never got what I was hoping for when I asked. Now, I'd rather focus on and express how I feel, since I'm the female in this relationship. I once asked John if he would object if nobody ever asked him how he felt again.

I bet you can guess what he said.

“Success in life consists of going from one mistake to the next without losing enthusiasm.”

—WINSTON CHURCHILL

When you feel discouraged about surrendering and think you're not making any progress, look for signs that things are changing. Has your husband done anything out of the ordinary lately? Do you have more energy than you used to? Do you take better care of yourself? Do you have fewer responsibilities? Does your husband look different? Do you feel more intimate? Write down everything that reflects your progress, rather than your mistakes. This will fuel you as you journey on.

You should start to see improvement after two weeks, so if you don't, go back and review the basics. How's your self-care? Have you said “ouch” when he hurts your feelings? Are you expressing your desires? Have you relinquished inappropriate control?

W
hen your husband starts to feel respected, he will feel a new strength. This will lead him to do things that he might not have done in the past because he feared your criticism. You may feel like you're losing control over him, which you are. This is a good thing—even if it doesn't seem that way.

The first month of surrendering was murder for Kim. She felt things were worse, not better.

One day her husband, Rick, confessed that he'd gone to see a doctor about getting surgery to correct his vision. She was shocked that he hadn't told her first, especially since she had indicated that she felt the surgery was too expensive. Rick admitted that he had kept his plans from her because he didn't want to invoke her wrath or be controlled. Kim felt deceived, and complained to me that this didn't seem like progress towards intimacy.

When I asked Kim how she would have felt if her husband had gone to look at a new lawn mower without telling her, she admitted that she wouldn't have cared. The
true
reason she was upset about Rick's “deceit” was not because he hadn't told her beforehand, but because her husband was not letting her control him like he had in the past. She wasn't upset because she felt he was hiding things from her, but because she disapproved of the expense and risk of surgery. Kim was still trying to enforce her values on Rick, and it wasn't working. She veiled her control to try to reestablish her rule.

In the old days, perhaps Rick would not have done something he knew she disapproved of because he would have wanted to keep the peace. In the new environment, he was willing to risk her disapproval because he had gained some strength from
being respected. This is a good thing, but it didn't seem that way to Kim.

Although surrendering does result in immediate benefits—like more time to yourself, less responsibility and greater intimacy—losing control can feel like a big drawback. I could tell by Rick's bold initiative that Kim had been respecting him more, but I had a hard time convincing her that this was progress. Kim's new respect, however flawed, helped Rick tap into his own power and do what seemed right to him. He probably would not have done so had Kim not surrendered first. His trip to the eye doctor was a way of reminding them both that he was in charge of himself.

B
UCKLE
U
P
F
OR THE
R
OLLER
C
OASTER
R
IDE

“You are always on your way to a miracle.”

—SARK

W
hat if things seem worse and not better, then what? How can you tell if your surrendering is actually working? Here's a general overview of what the whole process looks like so you know what to expect. Your experience will probably be something like this, although it may not be in the same order:

1. You hear or read about surrendering. You think, “That sounds awful!” but a lingering curiosity leads you to find out more. You examine yourself to see if you're controlling, and feel a mixture of relief and dread when you realize that you
are
—but perhaps you aren't as bad as some other women.

2. You start to be respectful, mind your own business, and focus on your own self-care for a few days. This feels good. You have a sense of accomplishment, and life seems more balanced.

3. Your husband suddenly reacts with some mistrust, surprise, or trepidation. He doesn't say anything directly, but you can tell he's wondering about the changes. This is almost insulting, since all you're doing is being nice, and you weren't
that
bad before … were you?

4. You're tempted to tell your husband that you really are changing, but instead you wisely say nothing and continue surrendering.

5. Your husband suddenly seems to be in touch with his inner jerk. You wonder what in the world is the matter with him, and feel especially indignant because you've been treating him so well. You realize that you are shaking things up, that he's off balance, and you feel a sort of perverse resolve to stay the course of surrendering.

6. He's gotten through that funk, and now you're noticing that he looks different. People are asking him if he's lost weight or gotten a haircut, but you know that he's emanating confidence and that has changed his appearance. You feel proud and happy about this. Perhaps the most dramatic change is that he's taken over the finances without any help from you. Should you be worried? You talk to your friends about it. They ask you if you've lost your mind. Then you talk to surrendered friends about it. They tell you to trust. Good advice.

7. You feel strangely tongue-tied and restless for a period. You're speaking very little because you're not controlling him anymore. You wonder if you actually have anything to say. What do
married people talk about anyway? After making so much noise for so long you realize you haven't even been able to hear your own heart. You need support from other women. You call and ask them how to figure out what it is you want.

8. Your husband is still resisting the new culture. He asks you what he should wear, or tries to get you to take the finances back or throws out other kinds of bait that absolutely drive you batty. You are on the edge and sliding off. You can't believe you married such a wimpy, whiny guy with no mind of his own. Then, after resisting it five times, you take the bait the sixth time. You want to eat worms.

9. It's two or three weeks since you started surrendering and you are definitely noticing the buds of new intimacy. You're playful like kids. He told you he wanted to ask you to marry him all over again. You hold hands, talk about the future, and feel intense closeness. Things are peaceful. In your heart, you know that you have done something remarkable. It seems like a miracle.

10. Hubby seems in a funk again. He's hiding in what John Gray would call “his cave” and brooding. You're tempted to rescue him, but you don't. You get the chance to affirm that he is a wonderful husband, provider, and father. Now he's introspective as he does some inner shifting to catch up with you. You wish he would snap out of it so you wouldn't be tempted to ask him what's wrong.

11. Your man is suddenly holding himself to higher standards. He's more focused on what you want, thinks he can make more money, wants to give the kids a better spiritual foundation. You're impressed and amazed. Who knew he was like this? You feel more gratitude.

12. You completely flub surrendering and tell him everything he should be doing differently. And you don't even care. Whatever he just did was the last straw. You question the wisdom of surrendering to a man like him. You wonder if maybe this only works for other people and not you. A friend reminds you that you haven't done much self-care. Oh yeah. Maybe that will help restore your sanity.

13. You went back to basics—gratitude, respect, self-care—and your marriage seems much better, much more hopeful. Perhaps you won't have to file for divorce—not today anyway. You remember to say “ouch” the next time he hurts your feelings, and he actually seems to care.

14. Yes, things are definitely improving. He got a promotion or bonus at work! He feels good about himself, you feel good about yourself and him. Together you're unstoppable. Obviously this is a match made in heaven. How could you ever have doubted it?

15. You go in and out of surrendering. Some days are bliss and some are disasters. Still, overall surrendering seems to have a positive impact. Even the kids seem calmer. You never quite lose that part of you that thinks he is just so different. For this, you can be glad.

Did that sound like a roller coaster? I hope you're not too dizzy, but it's important to realize that surrendering is not a linear course, but rather a series of ups and downs that ultimately slopes upward. The most important thing to keep in mind is that when you're at stage twelve and feeling terrible, you are still way ahead of where you were at stage two when you were feeling good.

L
EAVING
N
ORMAL

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face … You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

—ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

S
o how do you stay motivated? In time, you'll have the validation and the reinforcement of a healthy, intimate, romantic relationship to keep you motivated. Early on, however, the most obvious validation you'll get that you're surrendering (besides the pats on the back from other surrendered wives) is that your mate will do things he never did before. For instance, one woman told me her husband had called a travel agent, even though he had never before even planned a vacation. My husband started using a day-planner religiously. Neither of these actions constitutes the ninth wonder of the world, but both were departures from what these husbands
normally
did. This unusual and attractive behavior is at least partly the result of feeling a new freedom. Since their wives weren't criticizing them, these men were taking responsibility for themselves.