The Surrendered Wife (38 page)

S
PARKLING
D
INNER
C
ONVERSATION

W
hat does doing something you enjoy have to do with being intimate with your husband? For one thing, getting involved in your own life distracts you from the temptation to take a bite of Really Big Bait. More importantly, your new activities will reawaken your passion for life. Remember, though, that what feeds your spirit may not move your husband. Be sure to allow yourself your own passions, even if he does not share them. If you love skiing and he doesn't, join a ski club and set off every chance you get. If you enjoy foreign films and he hates subtitles, go with a friend. If you need to rumba and he won't dance, sign up for a class at the local college. When you're engaged in your interests, you're also more attractive and fun to be around. When you feel good, you're more likely to be grateful and respectful instead of nitpicky and critical. Plus, you will have new experiences and stories to share with your husband over dinner.

As a wonderful fringe benefit to making yourself happy, you will also be making someone else you love happy: your husband. He will never feel better about himself or more attracted to you than when he sees you smiling, fulfilled, and excited. He may even follow your example and pursue his own passions. Then he'll have something interesting to talk about at dinner too.

F
IND THE
C
OURAGE TO
P
URSUE
Y
OUR
A
MBITIONS

“Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”

—M. SCOTT PECK

O
nce Tess quit worrying needlessly about her husband, she had to face that she had been avoiding her ambition to write children's books. When she first noticed her energy surplus she felt a sense of sadness. Outside of being a mom, her life seemed unimportant. She made a decision to devote an hour or two each day to writing new stories and putting finishing touches on old ones. Tess shared what she wrote with friends and family, and asked for feedback about how she could improve. Everyone agreed her work was wonderful, and encouraged her to pursue getting it published.

And then the terror set in. Being the armchair critic of her husband's life had felt far less scary than sending her stories out to publishers and agents. Focusing on her passion brought up Tess's fear of rejection, and understandably so. Without the distraction of worrying about her husband and controlling him, Tess was stuck with facing
her
challenges.

Once she found the courage to take risks in her own life, Tess was amazed at how supportive her husband became. His enthusiasm and pride for her writing reminded her of just how much he wanted her to be happy.

Your husband may surprise you with his enthusiastic support for your interests, too. One woman learned that her husband didn't mind staying at home with the kids so she could go out with her girlfriends. Another woman was impressed that her husband
spent most of the weekend doing heavy digging so she could plant vegetables and flowers in her garden. I was moved to learn that John didn't mind helping me baby-sit my young nephew on Saturday nights because he knows the boy's silliness and innocence lift my spirits.

These are ordinary husbands I'm writing about who are probably not much different from yours. One of the things that gave them enormous pleasure was watching the women they love blossom with the discovery of new interests and talents.

So, put that Needless Emotional Turmoil in a backpack and send it off to the dump. Remember, if you find yourself longing for distraction and drama, you can always pick a fight with your husband. Somehow, when your life is full of other passion and pleasure, that temptation simply goes away.

H
OW
I
T
I
S
N
OW

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

—LAO-TZU

I
t was an ordinary day, when I realized that surrendering had done its job.

John and I were out to breakfast at a small café and I felt incredibly relaxed. He opened doors for me—the front door of our home, the car door, the entrance to the cafe. In the crowded waiting area, my shy husband approached a couple and asked permission to take an empty chair. He pulled it up and held it out so that I could sit down. Then he asked me if I wanted some juice. I smiled and said, “yes, please” and he brought me a glass of golden, freshly squeezed juice.

We didn't win a million dollars and the heavens didn't open up. But that day, John and I were both conscious of a shift. Our lives had changed. I had finally made friends with receiving graciously, and John was responding with a willingness to take care of me. We were yin and yang and I felt the power of our differences and togetherness. I knew that we could never go back to the old way.

A S
YMBOL OF
N
EW
M
ARRIAGE

Ironically, since I started respecting my husband, he seems so much more worthy of my esteem. On our ninth anniversary, I decided to adopt John's last name. In our old marriage, I had kept my maiden name as a symbol of my identity as a feminist. Perhaps on some level, I was also reluctant and terrified to merge with my husband. In our
new marriage
, however, I wanted to do something that symbolized my profound respect for him and acknowledged our intimacy and oneness.

While I don't do this surrendering thing perfectly, I now enjoy being married to my wonderful, handsome, capable husband. Today, I have the intimate marriage I always dreamed was possible.

If you surrender to your husband, you will too.

Really.

A
PPENDIX

SURRENDERED CIRCLES

T
he very first Surrendered Circle met on a Thursday afternoon in November 1998. Four of my friends—a massage therapist, a teacher, and two full-time mothers—and I had been practicing the principles of the surrendered wife when we started our group. I invited these women to my house for a pot-luck and to form a community of women who would support each other in surrendering. I felt fortunate because surrendering is hard to do alone: Mutual support is a key ingredient. Thus, Surrendered Circles were born.

This chapter is intended as a handbook for starting your own Surrendered Circle. Meeting once a month—either in person or online—with even just one other woman will help keep you on the path to a more fulfilling, intimate marriage.

S
AFETY
C
OMES
F
IRST

In the first Surrendered Circle, we laughed and cried, ate and talked, and somehow found safety and healing with each other's help. From the very first meeting, we felt a tremendous bond. No matter how discouraged and hopeless we were when we arrived, we always left energized and optimistic. We called each other frequently during the month for encouragement and strength.

Of course, if you are going to expose your problems and fears, missteps and hopes, creating a safe space in the circle has to be the top priority. In other words, the individuals in the group must promise to keep the stories they hear within the circle confidential.

The gathering is sacred. Do not treat it as anything less. Criticism and gossip have no place among the members of the Surrendered Circle. Only positive feedback is appropriate.

You are qualified to host a Surrendered Circle regardless of how long you've been practicing or how little you think you know. You won't know all the answers when you have your first circle, but that doesn't matter because the magic of these groups is not dependent on the host, but on the collective wisdom of women who want to transform themselves and their marriages. Together, you will find solutions.

Our Surrendered Circle met only once a month, but yours could certainly convene more frequently. Any gathering place is fine, as long as it is private. Someone new should host the circle each time, regardless of whose home you meet in.

There's no rigid format to follow, but I've included the schedule my group followed and three examples of exercises we did just in case you need a jump start to get your group engaged. You may also come up with your own exercises, and if you do, don't forget to post them on the Web site so the rest of us can give them a try.

Our monthly meetings started at 12:30
P.M.
with chatting and settling in and wrapped up by 2:30
P.M.
We sat on my couches, dining room chairs and on the floor. I always arranged for us to have privacy and sometimes I lit a few candles to set a sacred mood. John went out with his buddies for hot dogs and beer.

One Format for a Surrendered Circle

12:45
P.M.

Choose a host to lead the group through the readings that are a part of this particular format.

The host can read the italicized sections out loud:

Hello and welcome to the Surrendered Circle. Would you join me in praying for wisdom and divine guidance at this meeting?