The Surrendered Wife (37 page)

E
XPECT
G
ROWING
P
AINS

“The art of love is largely the art of persistence.”

—ALBERT ELLIS

S
ince I could see how
he
was acting differently, I supposed that everybody could see that I was acting differently too. Boy, was I disappointed!

Early in my surrendering, a close family friend came to stay with us. I asked him if he could see the difference in my behavior. “I can't see any difference in how you act,” he told me, “but I can sure see the difference in John. He seems so much more alive.”

I wasn't surrendering perfectly, but I knew my behavior had changed. Still, nobody was standing up to cheer me on. This was disappointing because I was making a Herculean effort to change. I wanted credit! I wanted John to say, “Honey, thank you for surrendering. I think you are doing a terrific job, and I love you more now than ever.”

Instead, we were both feeling some growing pains.

Imagine that the two of you are learning to speak French. You spend ten hours the first week listening to tapes and reading a book, and by the end of the week you've got a few phrases down. Your husband hasn't put as much time in, so when you try to practice what you've learned with him, he stares at you blankly. He might even get frustrated and angry with you for trying to speak to him in a language he doesn't understand. Of course you could revert to English. Or, you might wisely choose to continue speaking to him in French and wait for him to catch on. The problem with taking the first option is that you end up right back where you
were—in a marriage that is lonely and doesn't meet your needs. The problem with the second version is that it requires incredible patience and faith.

I'm not a patient person, so when my husband was in a funk not too long ago, I attacked him about it. I said, “What's the matter with you? If you're not reading the paper, you're watching television, listening to the radio, or taking a nap!” Then I tacked on an “I miss you” at the end because just then I remembered that I'm trying to be a surrendered wife, and the truth was, I did miss him: his company, his lively conversations, his happy moods. When I finished, he stared at me blankly, shrugged his shoulders, and said he was too tired to talk about it. I might as well have been mooing like a cow for all the good it did me.

Luckily, I discussed this issue with a friend who reminded me that I needed to tend to my own self-care and give him the space to solve his own problems. Sure enough, as soon as I did what she suggested, I noticed my husband seemed more available. Once he got the hang of the latest changes in our relationship, everything was fine.

N
O
M
ATTER
H
OW
F
AST
Y
OU
G
ROW
, H
E'LL
C
ATCH
U
P WITH
Y
OU

O
ne of the big fears I had about making changes was that I would upset the balance in my marriage and end up alone. I found that the other surrendered wives shared a similar notion. We erroneously believed that if we grew too much, our husbands would not be able to keep up. We were motivated to stay stuck where we were, even if it wasn't very comfortable, because we were afraid we'd lose our marriages.

I'm pleased to report that our experience has been that no matter
how quickly we take action and no matter how dramatic our growth, our husbands always seem to keep pace with us. Remember: Marriage is like water, we seek our own level.

So the path of surrendering is a little bumpy. First you grow. Then he resists. But eventually he grows to match you. You start to trust him to do more and he panics at first. Then he feels his own power and strength as he succeeds. And you feel it, too.

You may feel lonely when your husband is in a funk. You'll probably miss him and wax nostalgic for the good old days. Remind yourself that if the good old days had really been that good, you wouldn't have bought or borrowed this book and read it. Stay on course and the rewards will be great. If you fear that your marriage is dying, you're probably right. Be patient and a better, stronger union will bloom in its place.

“There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.”

—ALDOUS HUXLEY

If surrendering makes you feel like you have nothing to do or say anymore, that's a good measure of how much time you spent in Needless Emotional Turmoil. Now that you have a surplus of time and energy to spend on yourself, try to recall what it was that you always wished you had time to do, but never could, whether it was reading a magazine cover-to-cover, watching a mindless TV show, or painting with watercolors.

Uncovering your own passion will contribute to intimacy by making you more attractive and vibrant. Spending your surplus energy on yourself is about more than just maintaining balance: It's about making sure you become the woman you've always wanted to be.

P
rior to surrendering, most of the wives I met had spent a lot of time and energy in Needless Emotional Turmoil, or NET for short. Once we stopped needlessly worrying about our husbands, we suddenly had an unfamiliar (and uncomfortable) energy surplus.

Shortly after she began surrendering, Susan was not sure what to do with all her free time now that she wasn't doing everything herself. Carolyn realized that since she wasn't going to talk about money, she had nothing to talk about when she went out to dinner with her husband. Ironically, these women experienced a sense of loss, and in a way, they
had
lost something: Where their space was once filled with familiar obsession and the usual worries, there was now a vacuum.

Without NET, life can be downright boring. There's no more telling your husband what to do or instructing him on things you think he should have done differently. There isn't much drama or fighting, and without that life can be dull, dull, dull.

S
URVIVING
W
EIGHTLESSNESS

I
magine you are carrying a backpack that's full of NET related to your husband. Imagine you are putting on this backpack every day and suddenly you stop. You will feel a little weightless at first. Maybe you would consider picking it up again out of habit, but you realize that you don't want to schlep it around all day, and you don't want anything that's in it. Then as you make the choice to
leave it where it is rather than put it on, you might feel insecure and awkward, but also light and unburdened. Throughout the day little surges of panic might pulse through your body when you notice you're not wearing the backpack, as if you'd forgotten something important.

Remind yourself that you're not supposed to be wearing that backpack, and that it's okay to leave it off. Notice how much more you can do and how much faster you can move without it.

When you first experience an energy surplus from not wearing a backpack full of NET about what your husband is doing, you may also notice other feelings coming up. For example, you may feel you have nothing in common with your husband anymore because there's nothing to argue about. Also, as your focus moves from him to you, perhaps you'll have some dissatisfaction with some other aspects of your life. Maybe you'll notice you're frustrated with the way your kids worm out of their chores or you'll be upset with yourself that you haven't been more proactive in your career. Maybe you'll feel annoyed about how the garden is totally overgrown with weeds when it used to be your pride and joy.

When you start to become more aware of aspects of
your
life that you want to improve that aren't related to your husband, that means you're shifting your focus off of him and on to you. You've stopped distracting yourself with his problems and started to face your own. If this is the case, be sure to pat yourself on the back for doing such a good job surrendering.

T
HE
J
OY OF
A
CCOMPLISHING
A
BSOLUTELY
N
OTHING

“To mature is in part to realize that while complete intimacy and omniscience and power cannot be had, self-transcendence, growth, and closeness to others are nevertheless within one's reach.”

—SISSELA BOK

A
s soon as you finish patting yourself on the back, start a new project. Make a quilt or a new friend. Read a novel or write one of your own. Join a gym or a theater group. Take a class or a trip. Walk in the woods or in a park. Do anything that makes you happy or interests you, even if it means getting a baby-sitter or spending money. You're now taking self-care a step further. Don't worry so much about what you accomplish, but rather measure your success by how happy and fulfilled your new project makes you feel. Before I surrendered, I always wished I could spend more time with my four-year-old nephew, Josh (who reminds me not to take life too seriously) and have long lunches with my girlfriends. Now I see Josh every week, dawdle with girlfriends at the sushi bar and take naps to boot. It's not overly productive, but it makes me happy.