The Surrendered Wife (26 page)

Jean was just as surprised when she came home, late in the morning one Saturday, to find her two sons still in their pajamas watching cartoons. Although their father had been supervising them, an empty box of cookies was the only evidence that they had eaten breakfast that morning.

Claire was always shocked to see her daughters flying high in the air after their father tossed them up there. He always caught them—granted, but she would never have done such a thing.

Mothers are sometimes nervous when fathers do things differently. But part of surrendering means accepting that just because your husband has a different style doesn't mean that he's a bad dad. Carolyn's husband did clean the boy. Cookies for breakfast may not be the most nutritious way to start the day, but they're probably not much worse than sugary cereal, and Jean's boys didn't go hungry. Claire's girls were entertained and safe in their dad's strong hands. The fathers got the job done, they just did it differently.

E
VEN THE
B
EST
M
OTHER
I
S
N
OT A
G
OOD
F
ATHER

“Ward, could you talk to the Beaver?”

—JUNE CLEAVER

O
nly a woman knows how to be a good mother. Only a man knows how to be an effective father. Therefore, any time a woman tries to direct how her husband fathers, she is in unfamiliar territory, and that's no place to exercise control. By the same token, since I don't have children, I have no idea how to be a parent. I would be way out of line telling you how to do it, particularly if you've got more on-the-job training than me. Instead, I will just report on what I have witnessed in the relationships when I have had the privilege of watching the family dynamics before and after the wife begins to surrender.

For instance, before Candace started surrendering to her husband, Joel, she worried that he spent too little time with the boys and let them watch too much TV. She also wanted Joel to be gentler with her precious babies. She let him know she disapproved of their constant wrestling and roughhousing, which Joel seemed to encourage.

After she began to surrender, however, she quickly realized that she was hurting her family when she interfered in her husband's relationships with his own children. Joel was grumpy when he felt restricted and criticized as a parent; and the two boys were missing out on having happy, peaceful parents. Besides, whether we like it, wrestling is a chief activity for the healthy, developing man-child in our species.

S
OME
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HINGS
O
NLY A
D
AD
C
AN
D
O

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love the most is soap-on-a-rope.

—BILL COSBY

S
o what does it look like to surrender to a man in the parenting realm? Don't complain because he dressed your daughter in a pink shirt with red skirt, or your son in the pants he outgrew last summer. The same rules apply here that apply to surrendering in general: Don't criticize, don't offer advice, don't correct or instruct. This will have a positive effect on the entire family.

In addition, make a point of referring your children to your husband for permission or help, particularly if you're the parent who spends the majority of the time with the kids. For instance, if the family is at a store and your child approaches you and asks if he can have something, you could refer him to dad by saying, “Whatever your father thinks.” If dad says no, the answer is no. Contradicting your husband's decision undermines his authority, and boy, do men
hate
that.

When Tina's girls saw her treating their father with more respect, they began to follow suit. Several weeks after she had begun surrendering, her thirteen-year-old daughter Brittany was flipping through a magazine and came across a quiz called “Is Your Husband a Grown-Up?” When Brittany started asking Tina the questions in regards to Gregg's grown-up-ness, Tina stopped her and told her that of course daddy was a grown-up. She added that the article was inappropriate and disrespectful.

Later that night, Brittany thanked her dad at the dinner table
for giving her money to spend at the book fair. Tina knew they had turned a corner when she noticed the girls asking their father for what they needed more frequently. As Tina changed from treating Gregg as if he weren't good for much to having regard for his decisions and input, the children naturally saw him as more authoritative. In the past, they had perceived Tina as the authority figure and bombarded her with questions. Now, she was relieved from the pressure of feeling like the only parent because there were clearly two parents in charge.

Prior to surrendering, both Tina and Candace were concerned that their husbands neglected the children. In reality, their husbands were withdrawn from the family out of self-preservation, knowing that whenever they were with the children they would be attacked or criticized. This is not to say that the mother is responsible if the father has a poor relationship with his children. She is not. However, a man who feels respected and accomplished is far more likely to show up as a good father than one who feels criticized and defeated.

Just like the old television show
Father Knows Best
, your husband does know better than you do when it comes to being the dad. Dads are the only parents who can teach sons how to be men, and teach daughters how they should expect to be treated by a man. Moms are the only parents who can teach girls how to be women, and impart a healthy knowledge of women to their sons. Dads discipline differently than moms do, and moms nurture differently from dads. The two roles are complimentary. Ideally, children get both influences as they grow. Sometimes dads seem too harsh, gruff, or insensitive. Even so, it's in your best interest, as well as your children's, to leave fathering to him. When you find yourself criticizing what he does, ask yourself what it is you are afraid will happen to the children. He may not protect them perfectly, but then again, neither can you.

During a Surrendered Circle, one woman complained that she
didn't feel safe leaving her children with their father because when she came home, they sometimes had scratches or bruises. Other women nodded emphatically when she said this, and everyone turned to me to find out what I had to say about that. I had no idea what to say, as this sounded pretty serious. Fortunately, my wise friend Anita, mother of three and step-mother of two quietly said, “I notice that my children get scratches and bruises when they're with me, too.” Anita helped me realize that we want to hold our husband to impossible standards at times, like expecting our children to be perfectly safe in his care. No matter how responsible or attentive the father, he would always fall short of this expectation.

If you are struggling to have compassion for your husband's mistakes when it comes to the kids, think of all the things you've done as a parent that you wish you hadn't. Now imagine he had criticized you each time you made those mistakes.

C
HILDREN
R
ESPECT
P
EOPLE
Y
OU
R
ESPECT

If your mind isn't open, keep your mouth shut too.

—SUE GRAFTON

K
ids of all ages take their cues about who has authority in the home from their parents. If mom doesn't respect dad, then why should they? This is especially true of teenagers. For instance, I've noticed that older children will sometimes look for validation from their mother that dad is mistreating them. If your child wants to complain about his dad, it's okay to listen, but it's essential to
maintain proper respect for your life partner during the conversation. Maryanne's daughter, a college freshman, was upset that she didn't get more attention from her father, particularly since her dad was so enamored with his new grandchild. Maryanne and her daughter had spent years commiserating about this until Maryanne started surrendering.

The next time the daughter wanted to complain, her mother listened patiently, but instead of cosigning her grievances, she gently reminded her of all the things she was getting from her dad—like full tuition at college, excellent advice about summer job opportunities, and his help maintaining her car. She reminded her that his concern for her education, choices, and car, was a manifestation of his concern for the safety and happiness of his beloved daughter. Once again, staying in gratitude and modeling it for our children is a powerful way to keep a healthy perspective on how very fortunate we really are.

WHAT DADDY SAYS, GOES

I
f you continue to reinforce that what daddy says goes, he'll have less to prove.

Kelly had a hard time referring her children to her husband, Jerry, when they took their son to an amusement park. In the past, she had taken him without Jerry and had made a ritual of buying the boy a lollipop when they were there. In an effort to start relinquishing some control, she asked Jerry if he thought their son should have a lollipop, and he said no. Kelly was sure he was being too harsh and was terribly unhappy with this response. She bit her tongue anyway in an effort to respect his decision. That day, their son had no lollipop. Fortunately, the boy was little and easily distracted
by the other wonders at the amusement park, so he didn't have a fit.

Hearing this story, I felt that Jerry had been completely unreasonable. Why couldn't he just buy the candy and uphold the ritual, which is so important to kids? It was such a small thing. Still, I was impressed that Kelly managed to bite her tongue and go along with what he thought that day. She relinquished her authority in favor of respecting her children's father. Not having a lollipop hardly constituted a hardship for their son, who found plenty of other things to delight in at the park. Imagine what the price would have been had she not respected him in this “small” matter? Jerry would have felt undermined (read: emasculated) and angry. He might have inappropriately directed anger at somebody smaller than him, later.