The Surrendered Wife (25 page)

Steve probably felt defensive and unappreciated too. I've heard men say things like: “Doesn't she realize that the reason I work so hard is for her?” Megan's requests probably sounded like pressure to her husband who was trying to balance the needs of his job with those of his family.

After surrendering, Megan learned that beneath her obvious feelings of anger was a more vulnerable feeling: loneliness. She missed her husband when he was gone a lot. Asking him to do things or “choring” him was her way of getting him to stay home. Instead of drawing him to her, her constant nagging was repelling him.

The turning point for Megan and Steve came when she found the courage to tell him what had been true all along: that she missed him!

As you can imagine, this approach had an impact. Steve didn't say much, but he smiled and looked at her appreciatively. To her surprise, Steve managed to leave work earlier twice that week.

By letting him know she longed for his presence and his company, Megan was complimenting him where she used to harangue
him. She made him feel important and needed on an emotional level, rather than just a utilitarian one.

The next time you find yourself wishing your husband wouldn't read, watch TV, work, golf, or tinker so much, tell him you miss him. Say it as often as you feel it, even if you are self-conscious hearing the words come out of your mouth.

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S
ome women object to telling their husbands they miss them because they say that's not how they feel. “I'm just overwhelmed taking care of the kids by myself all the time,” they tell me. The truth is these women
do
miss something about their husbands. Whether you miss his help disciplining the kids, his masculine presence, or your lover's touch is immaterial. There's only one message to convey: You miss him!

I know that it will take courage to deliver this message, but remember your husband loves your tender side. Think of how much dignity you'll feel when you don't hear yourself screeching and complaining like your mother on her worst day. Imagine how much energy you'll save and harmony you'll enjoy when you pass up the temptation to complain in favor of revealing your deepest feelings. If you crave romance, I assure you this is a worthwhile risk.

“The married are those who have taken the terrible risk of intimacy and, having taken it, know life without intimacy to be impossible.”

—CAROLYN HEILBRUN

All husbands say hurtful things to their wives from time to time. It's tempting to retaliate by jabbing him back. Unfortunately, that sets you up for a full-blown fight where you both walk away wounded.

If you can avoid “hitting” him back, you'll steer clear of further injury on both sides and raise the level of kindness in the marriage. When your husband says something hurtful to you, respond by saying “ouch” and then leave the room if you can. When you don't punish him for his comment by hurting him back, you preserve your dignity, and the potential for intimacy and peace reaches heavenly heights.

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our husband says things that hurt your feelings sometimes. I know this because that's what happens at my house, too. If you're like me, your first instinct is to say something harsh right back. That almost always sparks a fight around here. While I hate to admit it, there's a part of me that actually likes to have a good fight with John. Maybe I'm drawn to the drama and excitement, or the emotional release.

Despite my perverse attraction to brawls, I'm not willing to pay the high price of the silence and coldness anymore. I try to stay out of them completely. Miraculously, we rarely tangle now. For me, the key to avoiding conflict has been resisting the temptation to strike back when I feel stung. It's the same instinct I had in third grade to kick somebody who pulled my hair. It's not easy to give up retaliation, but it can be done. I never learned how to do it until I surrendered.

One effective way to avoid retaliating is to say “ouch!” when your husband verbally punches you and then leave the room so that you aren't tempted to follow up with that hurtful comment that's on the tip of your tongue. That's it. Just say “ouch,” then walk away. You don't need to explain why his words hurt your feelings or demand an apology or say anything else.

He'll get it.

When I suggest this, some women complain that it sounds goofy to them. What I hear hidden behind this complaint is that it feels too vulnerable. Saying “ouch” is as good as telling your husband he made a direct hit to your jugular. Of course, our instinct is to conceal our weak spots so that we appear invincible—if he
never knows we're hurt, we reason, then it's just like not being hurt at all, right?

Wrong.

Your husband already knows where to find your Achilles' heel. Saying “ouch” is not giving him any new information. While he may seem like the enemy in the heat of battle, he's not. You're both on the same team. Showing him a soft underbelly is a good way to remind him of this.

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“Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.”

—JOSH BILLINGS

W
hen you don't scream at him or complain about what he's said, your husband will hear only his own voice of reproach. He'll also feel sheepish about injuring you when you don't respond in kind.

For instance, suppose your husband says “You've never been very good with money” and instead of saying, “Well you don't make very much either, do you!” you simply say, “ouch!” With the old system, once you bit back, he could justify his behavior by reasoning that you're no picnic to live with. If you refrain from making a nasty comment, there's no need for him to rationalize his words or to defend himself from your emasculating comment. You've left a quiet space where he must face the stark ugliness of just having injured the woman he loves most in the world.

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“When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability.”

—MADELEINE L'ENGLE

W
hen you throw out a hurtful comment, chances are high that your husband will respond in kind so that you get hurt too. So every time you say something injurious—even if he started it—you are actually giving him cause to strike back. Not that you're responsible for his actions—you're not, but the surest way to avoid getting a black eye is to stay out of the fight in the first place. As soon as you engage in a battle with your mate, instant karma's gonna get you.

Saying “ouch” instead means you get to keep your dignity. This magic word also restores peace in a hurry. Using it is a way to be true to yourself and honor your feelings without persecuting anyone else. This approach requires maturity and fosters intimacy. Eventually, laying down your arms will be second nature as the sense of safety and harmony increases in your home.

Best of all, you will be teaching your husband the finer points of treating you tenderly. Chances are, he'll learn them quickly and be more careful in the future.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

—ANONYMOUS

Your husband won't always be a perfect father, but having your respect and support for his decisions will help prevent unnecessary power struggles and preserve family harmony. Your children have a mother and a father for a reason, so try not to interfere with your husband's contribution to their upbringing.

If your husband is short-tempered with the children, check to see if you've been respectful. The quickest way to restore harmony for the whole family is to make apologies where you have been disrespectful.

Make a list of the things your husband does differently from you as a parent. How are his methods better? (We already know you think your methods are better, but just go along with this for now.)

I
f the idea of taking care of their two-year-old daughter and the neighbors' two boys overwhelmed Carolyn's husband, Kevin, he didn't show it.

During Kevin's watch, one of the boys got diarrhea that ran down the legs of his overalls. Kevin quickly took the boy out in the backyard to hose him off in the warm July sun. The boy seemed to enjoy this, and it took care of the mess. Still, Carolyn and the boy's mother were surprised that a grown man wouldn't think to use the bathtub to clean him.