The Surrogate (39 page)

“
Glad to know I’m not wrong about everything,” Jaime muttered.

Seve tightened his arms around him. “Don’t sulk, you’re too handsome for that.” Jaime laughed a little. “While he’s sick, I’ll keep watch. Once this battle is won, we find another way.”

~~~~~~~~

The feel of Seve’s arms around him went some way to easing the guilt in Jaime’s heart, and the residual anger over Nikolas’ choices. Though the anger was directed at himself, he had to admit. He hadn’t realised Nikolas had heard his weeping at night in the temple—but of course he must have. Nikolas, unlike all the other surrogates, had actually given a damn. More than that—he’d moved heaven and earth to help him. But even now Jaime couldn’t bring himself to speak to Nikolas of that time. He had hidden his tears because they were his and all that was left of his love and his self. Even when Nikolas had proved friend, not foe, he had not wanted to share his pain, until forced to. Did Nikolas understand that, or did he think it’d just been manly pride?

They never talked about the temple, the three of them. Seve could barely hear Minas’ name spoken without flinching, and Nikolas had no taste for it either—it was obvious, from slight experience, that his hands would protest at the memories being revived. Jaime certainly didn’t want to explore any of it either, yet their present situation, Nikolas’ pain and his nightmares, Seve’s continued reluctance to be adventurous either in public or in private, all had their roots in the time in the temple. Jaime felt very inadequate to be the one to drag the subject up. Perhaps when Nikolas was well again. Things were too fragile right now.

Seve held him a little longer, but the sun was starting to set, and he’d not eaten lunch, rushing through his work and lessons so he could get home sooner. “I need my supper,” Jaime finally admitted.

“
Gerde’s daughter brought a pie from the farm, and some windfall apples.”

Jaime’s stomach gurgled in anticipation. “Then what are we waiting for?” he grumbled.

Seve grinned and set him free. Hand in hand, they walked back into the house—Nikolas was in the kitchen, listing over a cup of tea. “You should be in bed,” Jaime said.

Nikolas’ mouth tightened, and he stared down at his drink. Seve nudged Jaime rather ungently. “Jai, leave him be. Nikolas—are you hungry? There’s a meat pie and fruit.”

Their friend winced. “No—too much. Tea’s fine.” He coughed, but to Jaime’s ears, it sounded much better. Nikolas still looked rather frail.

“
I was going to drop by your father’s tomorrow, Nikolas,” Jaime said, then, to forestall the rising protest, “just to tell him you’ve been ill but are recovering. You know he’d be angry not to know.”

“
You don’t need to ever tell him. When I see him next, he won’t know.”

Seve began to busy himself with the food, clearly deciding that this was Jaime’s argument for now. “There’s been enough secrecy, Nikolas,” Jaime said severely. “No, look at me.” Nikolas lifted mutinous eyes to him. “I’m not censuring you. But your father needs the truth. We need the truth. If your cold had become something worse, if you’d died—would your pride have been worth that? The pain to us? To me?” he added quietly. Behind him, Seve wasn’t even breathing loudly. He hoped his lover wouldn’t take this the wrong way.

“
You don’t need the truth of my nightmares.”

“
No.” That was Seve, coming up behind Jaime. “No, we don’t, for we have our own. But that doesn’t mean we don’t care. Nikolas, for tonight, I’ll sleep in your room—you don’t need an attendant.”

“
I don’t need
that
either, Seve. I can just lock the door.”

“
No locks,” Jaime snapped. They both looked at him in surprise. “I won’t live in a house with locks on the doors. Not again.” Seve laid a hand on his shoulder in comfort.

Nikolas accepted that point. “All right—but then, for how long?”

“
Until you’re well again,” Jaime said.

“
I’m well enough now,” he added, choking down a cough. Jaime didn’t even need to turn to know Seve was rolling his eyes.

“
When you’re not coughing, have an appetite, and mistress Gerde thinks you’re well,” Jaime said firmly. “Now, if you won’t go back to bed, keep quiet and rest. Seve and I can deal with the rest of it.”

That suited their patient, who sipped his tea while they worked, his head leaning back and his eyes closed. He roused long enough to eat a sliced apple, but refused more. He said he would just go back to bed. “You really don’t....”

Seve held his hand up. “It’s decided.”

Nikolas shook his head. “You’ll come to regret it. I make a terrible sleeping companion these days.”

“
Jai coped, I’ll manage. Shoo.”

Jaime said nothing while this was going on, rising to clear the plates and store the uneaten remnant of the pie in the cold cellar. When he came back up the stairs, Seve was waiting for him with an odd expression on his face. “You don’t...mind, do you? It’s no different from you sharing a bed in the temple.”

Jaime smiled to hide the sudden pang of guilty memory. “Of course not. I’ll miss you but at least I’ll know you’re getting some rest. You look exhausted.”

“
I feel it. Let’s hope Nikolas has a quiet night.” He yawned hugely. “Jai—can I be a pig and leave you to finish up? I’ve had about four hours sleep and I’m feeling all my bones.”

Jaime reached up and tugged his head down. “No—sleep well,” he said, giving him a kiss. “Wake me if you need me.”

Seve wandered off. Jaime continued the small amount of cleaning up, his thoughts not on their dirty dishes, but on memories of months ago. Months ago when he’d been a prisoner, and his only consolation a blond, green-eyed man who did and did not look like Jaime’s lost love, who had pushed and pushed until he was under Jaime’s skin and who had...given him the gift of intimacy, of passion, which Jaime had thought forbidden him forever.

A man who would be sleeping at his lover’s side tonight. Jaime tried not to be disturbed by this, telling himself that Nikolas was ill, and far too troubled by his nightmares and his demons, to lust after Seve, especially when it was
Jaime
he was in love with...but....

Seve was...beautiful. And Nikolas had that way of...getting past a person’s defences, and...into their heart and mind.

A plate slipped, and the clatter as it fell into the sink brought him out of his fugue. He shook his head. He was being ridiculous. What happened in the temple was the result of an extraordinary set of circumstances that had put him and Nikolas both under enormous pressure. That simply wasn’t the case now. They were all free men, in no danger, and all Seve and Nikolas were looking for that night was rest and quiet. It was dishonourable to mistrust Seve because Jaime himself had given into temptation just that once.

Twice.

He tried not to think about the second time. He barely understood how things had gone the way they had then. The best he could come up with was that Nikolas hadn’t been sober and Jaime had been suffering a form of temporary insanity. What was certain was that it could not and would not be repeated. And no word of it must ever be breathed to Seve. Seve might be able to understand and forgive a night of surrogate sex in the temple, given their circumstances, but not a furtive, one-sided act of fellatio behind a grimy inn when he and Jaime were at odds. Seve would never be able to trust him again. Jaime was determined that he would never again break faith with his lover, no matter how great the temptation.

But if only they...could just make love. Just once. He had so missed Seve’s skill, his gentleness, had dreamed of it for so long in the temple. It seemed incredible that in that one respect, their lives had not improved at all, though they were so much better in every other way.

He stopped fiddling about with the dishes, lit a lamp to take with him to the bedroom, and blew out the main one in the kitchen. He had work he could get on with in his office, but he was tired too, so instead he got ready for bed. He paused at the door of Nikolas’ bedroom—the lamp on the dresser was on its lowest setting, and Seve and Nikolas seemed to be already soundly asleep, Nikolas propped up on pillows a little, and Seve, Jaime noted with a quickly squashed pang of jealousy, had an arm slung over Nikolas’ hip. It was just practical, he told himself. Seve would feel Nikolas moving about and be able to comfort or attend him as needed.

He backed out of the doorway and crept back to his own room. It would be the first time he’d slept alone since that dark night when Seve had flung himself out of doors to go who knew where. Things had got so much better since then. One or two companionless evenings was a very small price to pay, and he had endured much lonelier times as well. Seve was just the other side of the wall, and Jaime could rise and speak to him at any time. It was nothing like being back in the temple.

Nothing like it at all.

~~~~~~~~

Seve and Nikolas were still asleep when Jaime woke, early as was his habit. He’d heard nothing in the night, so either he’d slept soundly or they all had. He’d have liked to have seen Seve before he left, but to have woken them would have been unkind.

It was another full teaching day, but there was a break in routine when the senior master of the arts school invited Jaime to lunch with the rest of the faculty to meet a visiting scholar from Bezeinit, Gir Ardin. Jaime was curious to meet him, as they’d corresponded once or twice while Jaime was still at the temple. Ardin, a short, rotund man who turned out to be both younger and much more jovial than his rather dry papers and letters would indicate, was ecstatic to be introduced to him.

“
Master Jaime! My goodness, I never thought I’d have the chance to meet you! Are you released from your vows then?”

No one at the academy, or among his scholarly peers, knew the full story of how he’d come to Hamer—they’d heard about the dissolution of the great temple in Egin, and assumed he had left Gidin as a result of that. He was happy to allow that partial lie to stand. “Yes, I’m now an ordinary teacher,” he said, not wanting to pursue the topic further within earshot of his avid colleagues.

“
Jaime, please sit by us since you and master Gir are acquainted,” the senior master said politely. Chairs were hastily rearranged and Jaime found himself sitting at the table of honour.

He felt most embarrassed at the attention, and tried hard not to allow Ardin’s enthusiasm to lead to neglect of the rest of the faculty, but it was clear that of all the teachers present, Ardin was really only interested in him and his present research. When he learned that Jaime had much less time than before to research in his field, he was horrified. “No, this will never do! A man of your abilities and knowledge—it’s a scandal!”

Jaime looked around in embarrassment. “Master Gir, none of us are given special facilities to write. We’re a teaching faculty. We have any number of gifted scholars....”

“
Yes, yes, but none of them are you.” Belatedly, he seemed to realise that he was delivering something of an insult to his hosts. “Beg pardon, good sirs. Master Jaime and I share a particular field in common, so I know his work. I meant no offence,” he said with a little bow.

“
None taken,” the senior master said smoothly. “The passion of intellectual interests is not unknown to us. But master Jaime, perhaps you and master Gir should take the time to discuss your mutual speciality in private.”

“
Yes,” Ardin said, clapping his hands. “But I’ve only a short time here, and already my schedule’s crammed with meetings. The afternoon of Jetir, I believe, is free....”

“
I teach that day, I’m sorry,” Jaime said.

“
We can cover you,” the senior master said calmly, even though Jaime’s request to swap some of his teaching diary while Nikolas was ill had met with very little sympathy. But Ardin’s patron in Hamer was one of the local grandees, a brother of Lord Guider himself, so of course the academy would be anxious to accommodate him. “Take the afternoon off. A visit by someone of master Gir’s calibre is an opportunity not to be wasted.”

Jaime bowed and thanked him, hoping the lunch would proceed now without more attention being paid to him. He got his wish, and finally, once the meal was over, Ardin contented himself with reminding Jaime of their appointment, before being swept away by the senior master to meet other members of the academy. Jaime got one or two cold looks from some of his colleagues, but he was used to disdain those individuals, being foreign and with a peculiar history, so he returned the looks with cool ones of his own. Then it was time to forget Ardin and the envy of his fellows, because he had a class to give.

Once his classes were over and he was free to go, he called in at Jaap Ekinze’s shop. Not surprisingly, Nikolas’ father was angry that news of his son’s illness had taken so long to reach his ears, but once Jaime calmly and with the forbearance which had got him through four years of pure hell in the temple, explained what medical care they’d arranged, that Nikolas was under constant attendance, and Master Ekinze was welcome to visit at any time and ascertain for himself that Nikolas had not been butchered and smoked for winter meat, the man’s temper dropped away.