Seve didn’t need to be told. The only time Nikolas seemed to be completely at peace, as indeed Seve was himself, was when he was out in the fresh air, working. Nikolas was no shirker, that was for sure. But he had a trade of his own and clearly longed to return to it. Jaime would probably prefer that he left too, for all that he’d been the one to insist on Nikolas coming here in the first place. Seve was aware how ironic it was that now
he
was the one most reluctant to see Nikolas go. But things would have to change, and maybe now was a natural time for that to happen. He would just not be the one to push for it, that was all.
Nikolas insisted on being left to clean up, shooing them off for an early night. “You’ve deserved it,” he said firmly. “And Jaime has to be well-rested so he can impress this importance from Bezeinit.”
“
I don’t
want
to impress him. He’s just a scholar, like me,” Jaime protested.
“
Isn’t he from a large and well-provided school?” Seve asked. “A useful contact, Jai. Nikolas is right. You need to look your best.”
Jaime tilted his head and gave them both a haughty look. “I don’t get by on my appearance.”
“
If you did, you’d be ruling Jendon,” Seve joked, and Nikolas hid a smirk. “Anyway—to bed. Good night, Nikolas. Rest well.”
“
I’ll be fine,” he said with a bright smile. Seve didn’t trust that smile, but he had nothing to offer other than what had been done, so he could only leave their friend in the kitchen, and hope things would be all right.
By now, getting undressed in front of each other was unremarkable, and Jaime had developed a habit of carefully stripping Seve as a way of proving it was unremarkable. Every time, Seve had a moment or two of real panic, quickly suppressed, but it was more than worth it for the pleasure it gave to Jaime, and the feel of his hands on Seve’s skin, the smile in his eyes that Seve had missed so much. Jaime was a severe person, had a severe, beautiful face. His rare, wide smiles always made Seve’s heart skip a little.
When they were both naked, Seve put his arms around Jaime. “Missed you,” he whispered, nuzzling under Jaime’s ear, as Jaime’s hands stroked gently up and down Seve’s back.
“
Seve...please....”
“
Please?”
“
Please,” Jaime huskily repeated, as he pressed a little closer against him. The reason for the husky voice became apparent.
“
You want...?”
“
I want to make love. Please, Seve. It’s been so long and I want you....”
Seve fought to keep his voice even, a smile on his face, even though his first reaction was raw terror. “H-how?”
Jaime pulled back a little to stare up into his eyes. “Whatever you want.”
Seve didn’t ‘want’ anything, but he cupped Jaime’s cheek anyway. “I think that’s ignoring something important. You.”
Jaime’s jaw set hard. “
I’m
prepared to try.”
Seve stepped back and folded his arms. “And what’s that supposed to mean?” Jaime came closer, but Seve held him off. “Jaime? What do you mean by that remark?”
“
I just mean...I’m prepared to...push past my memories.”
“
Oh. And I should do that, just so easily. If you really mean that, get on your knees and suck me off, Jai.”
Jaime’s lips thinned to an angry line, but he knelt. At least—he started to, but the moment Seve put his hand on his head, he pulled away, then stood up, glaring at Seve. “No. Not that.”
“
I thought not. So much for pushing past your memories.”
“
But you won’t even
try
! You won’t...let me touch you, let me....”
“
Fuck? We never did that before. You know I don’t like it.”
Jaime backed off further, his hands clenched at his side. “You only tried it once.”
“
And I didn’t like it. You did.”
“
Not any more,” he ground out. “You know the reason why.”
“
And you know the reason why I find it hard to let you touch me!”
Jaime gritted his teeth, then walked over to the bed, and got in. “Just forget it. We’ll just have to remain the only lovers in the entire world who don’t actually make love.”
“
Jai, I can’t help it, you know I can’t. Please don’t be angry with me.”
“
I’m not,” Jaime said, his tone making a liar of him. “But as you said, I need to be at my best tomorrow, so let’s just go to sleep and forget about it.”
“
I don’t want to forget about it! I want to fix it...but I can’t.”
Jaime sat up. “Why not, Seve? You’re able to help Nikolas. You’ve got endless understanding and patience for him, but none for me?”
“
None for
myself
, Jaime. And you might have noticed I haven’t actually cured Nikolas’ pain, so don’t throw that in my face.”
“
Perhaps you enjoy the problem more than the cure,” Jaime snapped.
“
I beg your pardon?”
“
You heard me.”
“
Yes, I did,” Seve said, anger replacing confusion. “Are you saying that I want Nikolas to be in pain? Or to be unable to make love to you?”
“
I’m saying that you seem to enjoy the massages. And you don’t seem to want more than to just share a bed with me, so you’ve got all you want, regardless of my needs.”
“
You don’t
need
to have sex, Jaime.”
Jaime lay down and covered his head with the blankets. Conversation over. Seve didn’t know what he should do. Stay? Fight? Find another place to sleep? “Jai? Can I stay here tonight?”
“
Did I say you couldn’t?”
How very encouraging, Seve thought, his chest tight with anger and not a little fear. “Jai...if you....” His throat closed. He couldn’t even get the words out.
“
If I what?”
He didn’t know what to say. The angrier Jaime got, the less Seve wanted to be touched by him. But the more he pushed Jaime away, the angrier he would become. “You can touch me,” he whispered.
Jaime peered over the blanket at him. “Forget it. You’re shaking.”
“
I said, touch me, damn you!”
“
Come over here then.”
Legs trembling, he obeyed, sitting on the bed. Jaime sat up, his eyes still rather cool. Anything less like a seduction, Seve could hardly imagine. “Please, Jai, don’t be so angry with me.”
“
I’m...trying not to be. Come here.” He held his arms out, and Seve came to him. Jaime hugged him tight, an apology in his embrace if not his words. “It’s all right. We can try another time.”
“
And when you get sick of me?”
“
Never.”
Seve laid his cheek against Jaime’s, and prayed to unknown gods that Jaime’s word was the truth. He simply didn’t know how they would get past this. There seemed to be no reasoning with his emotions, however much he sternly told himself he was being idiotic. But then Jaime could do no better, and he’d always been the strong-willed one. “Just don’t leave me,” he whispered.
“
I swear I won’t. I’m sorry, Seve love. I should be patient.”
“
I should be stronger.”
“
We shouldn’t need to be. It’s not you—it’s
him
.”
Which was true, but it didn’t help, Seve thought bleakly. Minas was dead. He had no answers to give them, but there was no one else who could.
~~~~~~~~
Jaime was gone when he woke, and even though Seve knew it had been kindness alone which had caused his lover not to wake him, he couldn’t help being depressed at not having at least had a chance to give him a kiss before he left for the day. He was a failure as a companion and a lover. Whatever Jaime said, sooner or later he would get tired of always having to hold back, at never being able to fully express his feelings and desires, just because Seve was broken and looked like never being fixed.
Churlishly, he took some of his frustration out on a sleepy Nikolas, who was in no way responsible for the problems between Jaime and him. It was only when Nikolas went very quiet and seemed unusually interested in his tea, that Seve realised what a pig he was being. “I’m sorry,” he said curtly.
Nikolas lifted his eyes. “Bad night?”
“
In a way. But not your fault. How are your hands? And how did you sleep?”
Nikolas shrugged. “I was unconscious, so that was good.” He flexed his hands. “They’re fine. Seve, since I know what’s causing the pain now, you probably don’t need to keep up with the massages.”
Seve stiffened, insulted by this rejection. “Naturally. I’m sure anyone would do better than I would. I’m going out to work.”
He stalked out of the kitchen. Useless. A failure. Not even a good friend, and certainly no healer. A waste of the air needed to keep him alive.
He stared out at his garden. If he was gone, who would tend this? Jaime might ask Gerde to take it over. Or he’d sell the house and not concern himself further. Nikolas would....
He jumped violently as a hand fell on his shoulder. “Don’t do that!” he snapped, turning in pure fright to his accoster. Nikolas had already stepped back. “Don’t. Coming up behind me like that is a bad idea.”
“
I’m sorry, I forgot,” Nikolas said quietly. “Seve, is there something wrong? You know I meant no offence by...I love you working on my hands, and no one else could be as skilled, I’m sure of it. There’s no one I would like to do it more—I was only thinking it must be a burden on you.”
“
It’s not like I have so many other things to do,” he bit out.
“
Nor I. Seve—I don’t want to quarrel with you. Would you like me to leave for the day? Maybe I could visit my father.”
Seve was seized with horror at the idea of being alone, even though he was scarcely fit company for the farmer’s pigs right now. “No...please. You’re right—I’m out of sorts. Don’t go.”
Nikolas smiled. “Then I won’t. So—shall we tackle that big bed at the end?”
They had slowly been working their way up the garden, gradually recovering it from the weeds and briars and self-seeded trees, but the far end of the garden had been neglected for a very long time, and had clearly been beyond the ability of the previous occupant to deal with for at least ten years before she died. Since Nikolas came to stay with them, Seve had concentrated on the beds which were most likely to be productive this year. Nikolas had been about to start clearing the end beds but had fallen ill before he could start. Now, with the other beds all well-ordered and producing crops, they could spare some time to at least hack out the worst of the vegetation.
It was hard work, brutal under the fierce sun, and they had to stop every half an hour or so to drink, and pour water over their heads. When the sun had reached its zenith, Seve called a halt. “Enough—no point in killing ourselves through heatstroke. Let’s go in.”
The house was a well of coolness, and the back porch was a pleasant place to sit and sip cold, sweetened tea, and catch their breath. From here, they could survey what they’d achieved—not much, or so it seemed. “We’ll need a bonfire,” Nikolas said. “But you should store it up for the autumn festival. Gerde and Jan will likely host a celebration up at the farm, but you could do something here, you and Jaime.”
“
And you?”
“
Perhaps,” Nikolas said with a little smile. “I warn you—consumption of vast quantities of beer is almost obligatory.”
“
A true hardship to be borne, no doubt.” Nikolas chuckled at his dry tone. “Lunch?”
The despondency of the morning had been burned off in hard labour, and they worked companionably together to get their lunch, and then to prepare two pies and fresh bread for supper. By the time they’d finished, it was almost cooler to be outside than in the kitchen, so they returned to the porch to wait for the sun to drop a little. It was only two by the water clock, so it would be a while before it cooled off much. Nikolas wandered off to examine the apple tree and pull desultorily at some weeds in a nearby bed. Seve watched him work, his own mood darkening with the cessation of activity. He reflected how much he’d come to depend on Nikolas’ company to fend off depression, and yet this situation couldn’t continue much longer. The only thing he offered Nikolas that he could not easily get elsewhere was the massages—but against that had to be set the hurt to Nikolas’ feelings that being around his unattainable heart’s desire must surely cause. Seve knew how much that ached.