The Surrogate (44 page)

He made a decision—he would try to find the inn, and if that failed, then he would walk home in the dark if necessary. If nothing else, Nikolas might know where Jaime was, though why the man should help either of them, Seve didn’t know. He was out of options, desperate enough to try anything now, and his pride had been burned out of him years ago. If Nikolas mocked him or turned him away...well, that might be all Seve deserved after what had happened this afternoon.

There were more soldiers than ordinary townsfolk in the square, and he got more attention than he was looking for, but no one stopped him. His heart was racing as he reached the other side, but he was almost proud of the fact he had managed it. One day, a simple task like coming to Hamer to visit the market might even be an unremarkable event. But not today.

He used the house of the healers to orient himself, then walked down the alley beside it to the street where the herbalist’s shop was to be found. He had to retrace their steps of that day before he could find the inn again, but soon found himself outside what he thought was the right one. ‘Six Winds’—was this it? He hadn’t looked at the sign that day. He was now unsure what to do—did one just walk into a place like this, if one was a stranger? Did he have to pay to enter? He cursed his utter lack of experience of the real world as he gathered up the remnants of his courage, climbed the steps, and went inside.

The noise, smoke and smell hit him in the face—he hadn’t expected any of it, or the heat. The room was full to overflowing, every table occupied, and many people standing, holding mugs, and bellowing at each other over the ambient sound. He realised immediately that finding Nikolas without asking for help would be impossible.

“
And what might you be after, my lovely?”

He jumped, and had to suppress the instinctive urge to run. He swallowed, then turned. There was a young woman looking at him, an enquiring smile on her lips. “Er...do you know someone called Nikolas? Nikolas Ekinze?”

Her smile died. “Who wants to know?”

“
A friend.”

“
Does the friend have a name?”

“
Seve. Severin. I, uh...don’t have a surname.” Which was another thing that made him odder than everyone else, he realised.

“
Wait here,” she said curtly, then she turned and pushed her way through the throng of people. Seve moved back until he was against a wall, and tried to look unobtrusive. He attracted some curious glances, but most people were too busy talking or drinking or eating to give a damn about one solitary Gidinian.

He waited for so long, he was sure she’d forgotten, or else Nikolas, if he was here, had told her to ignore him. But eventually, he saw her walking back towards him, a solemn expression on her face.

“
He says you can go up. But,” she said, raising her hand. “My father owns this inn, and my brothers work here too. If I find you’ve laid a hand on Niko, we’ll beat you to death and that’s no idle boast. Do you understand me?”

“
Yes, I do. I don’t intend to hurt him.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Maybe. But there’s something funny about you Gidinians and the way Niko was when he got back this afternoon, I’d say
someone’s
hurt him. Better not be you, friend.”

“
I won’t hurt him,” he repeated, leaving aside the obvious fact that he already
had.

“
Follow me.”

She led him over to a door in the corner, which turned out to be the entry onto a stairwell. “Up them stairs, first door on the left. I’ll look in on him in an hour or so—he better be alive and well and smiling then, or you’ll know all about it. Go on.”

Seve bowed his thanks, and wondered who would ever be stupid enough to cross this girl or her family. Then he climbed the tall, narrow stairs to a landing. The first door on the left was ajar—he knocked tentatively. “Come in,” Nikolas said.

Seve found him sitting cross-legged on the bed, looking rather wary. “Seve? Where’s Jaime?”

“
I don’t know. He said the academy, but they didn’t know where he was when I called there. Do you have any ideas?”

Nikolas raised his eyebrows. “He’s hardly likely to tell me.”

Seve nodded, realising he’d made a blunder coming here—Nikolas wasn’t the least bit happy to see him. “Sorry to bother you,” he said, and turned.

“
Seve, do you want to sit down? You look done in.”

“
Don’t I bother you? Aren’t you afraid I’ll hit you or something? That girl was.”

He turned around. Nikolas wore a rather solemn expression. “After this afternoon, I think you’d have every right to hit me. I owe you an apology.”

“
For kissing me or fucking Jaime?”

“
Ah.” Nikolas looked away guiltily. “You’re angry.”

Seve shook his head. “No...just tired and...confused...he’s been offered a job in Bezeinit. I think he’s going to take it, give up on us. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but....” He drew a deep breath. “It still hurts,” he whispered.

Nikolas held out his hand. Seve walked over and took it, allowed Nikolas to draw him down to sit on the bed next to him. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “This is my fault.”

“
I don’t know whose damn fault it is anymore. Just answer me this question. Why did you kiss me, and when did your feelings change?”

Nikolas shifted, drew his knees up under his chin. “I kissed you because I was sick of you thinking we were enemies, when that was so very far from the truth, at least, on my part. As to when...I don’t know. I just came to realise there was no difference between my feelings for Jaime and those for you. I love you both—you’re both unattainable,” he said with a shrug. “Seems to be my destiny, to want what I simply cannot and should not have.”

“
Were you in love with him when you fucked him?”

“
I never
fucked
him—nor him me, except...well, in front of you,” he added with an embarrassed look.

It was funny how that very public and repeated sexual activity mattered far less to Seve than what Jaime and Nikolas had done in private, but Seve had never seen what had happened on the nights when the god was supposed to deliver his blessing as being anything other than ritualised abuse. It was what Jaime had chosen to happen that bothered him. “Nikolas—he said you took advantage of him when he was feeling low.”

Nikolas’ eyes widened in indignation, and he seemed about to protest. But then he sagged, and nodded. “I suppose I did. I didn’t mean to—I just wanted to comfort him. When Bekin was killed, he thought that meant the end of our plans to rescue you, and he lost all hope. He longed to speak to you, to give you the messages that Bekin said he’d passed on and hadn’t. He just wanted to be with you, and the only thing I could offer was to pretend that he
was
with you. I knew I was a surrogate. I never thought he was thinking of me at all. But it was wrong of me. He was yours and I shouldn’t have touched him.”

Seve didn’t know what to say. It was so different in his mind from the picture he’d built up of what had happened. “And the second time?”

Nikolas shrugged. “I was drunk, and he was upset. I was trying to cheer him up in my fuddled way. He never did anything for me, or touched me, Seve. It was all me. I know he never felt anything for me, or cared at all. Just as well,” he added bitterly. “Now he hates me. So must you.”

Unbidden, Seve’s hand rose to stroke Nikolas’ cheek, which startled them both. “Sorry,” Seve said, withdrawing his hand. “But I don’t hate you.”

“
Why? And why did you kiss me back, Seve? Was I just a stand in for Jaime?”

Seve almost laughed. “No, that would imply I was thinking at all. I just...didn’t want you to go. It seemed the only way to stop you.”

Nikolas blinked. “The
only
way?”

Examined hours later, when passions had cooled, it did seem a bit ridiculous. “I admit my reasoning was probably flawed. But I didn’t want you to go, and I still don’t. I want Jaime to come home and I want you to come home, and I don’t want to be afraid any more, and...I want whatever passes for a normal life.”

“
With the two of us? Seve, Jaime will never, ever accept that. He’ll kill me if I set foot in your house again.”

Seve slumped. “I know.” He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to Jaime to make him stay, because I can’t promise things will be better. I don’t want to lose your friendship...or anything else...but....”

“
If you want Jaime, you can’t have me.” The words were said dispassionately, as if they weren’t talking about Nikolas at all, but something quite unemotional—like leaf mould. Seve wondered how Nikolas could be so calm, when he hurt so much.

“
No. Ironic, when a few weeks ago, I was arguing with him about you and trying to get him to keep away from you. What is it about you, Nikolas?”

“
I don’t know. Maybe I’m just a surrogate again. You use me to avoid dealing with what’s truly troubling you. Glad to be of service.”

The sad bitterness in Nikolas’ voice cut Seve to the quick. He reached over and touched Nikolas’ hand. “You mean more to me than that. I swear you mean more to Jaime than that. He was angry today, but your friendship’s important to him. You saved our lives. We owe you it all.”

Nikolas gave a derisive little snort. “And look how happy you both are. Yes, I’m so proud of the fact that two lovers are now even further apart than they were before I met them.”

He grimaced, then winced, his hand curling a little. “Does it hurt again?” Seve asked.

“
It doesn’t matter.”

“
It does—let me help.”

Nikolas wouldn’t let him touch his hand at all. “No. Better that I learn to deal with it.”

“
But....”

“
Seve—we have no future together,” Nikolas said gently. “Which I regret more than I can tell you, but you have to be with Jaime. It’s what we’ve all worked so hard for. Suffered for.”

And with that, Seve could not argue, but it seemed an empty kind of fate for all of them, and he wasn’t at all sure that even if Nikolas withdrew, Jaime would be there. He thought longingly of that sharp knife at home, and how simple it would make things. But it was a final act from which there was no returning. Was he really at that point now?

“
Hey, don’t look so miserable,” Nikolas said, with a sad smile. “Jaime just needs time to cool down. He was like this in the temple—needed a chance to work stuff out. He probably feels a bit trapped.”

“
We’re all trapped. At least he can leave the house without shaking.”

Nikolas grimaced in sympathy. “Have you eaten?”

“
I’ve got some bread and cheese with me....”

“
Well, I can do better than that, if you don’t mind working for your supper. I was about to go down to help in the kitchen—they could do with another. Unless you want to walk home?”

No, Seve very much did not, and was happy to use anything to delay the moment when he would be, finally and completely, on his own. So he followed Nikolas down the narrow stairs, pausing at the bottom as he realised he would have to be among strangers. “Your friend hates me,” he whispered.

“
She doesn’t. She’s just protective. Come on—I’ll introduce you. Masha’s very nice.”

So that was one of the girls Jaime had called a slut? She hadn’t seemed slutty at all, not that Seve was an expert in such matters. Jaime did have some odd ideas about people.

The kitchen was hot, bright with lamps and cooking flames, and the two women hard at work looked harassed. “About time, Niko,” the younger one groused. “Who’s that?”

“
More help,” Nikolas said cheerfully. “Got another apron, Syere? This is Seve—he can cook, wash dishes, tend the fire, chop vegetables, whatever you want.”

Seve found an apron shoved into his hands, and then he was pointed at a pile of tubers. “Those need peeling,” the other woman said peremptorily.

“
Seve, this is Masha’s mother, Kera. Kera? What do you want me to do?”

“
Dishes,” she said shortly. Seve got the impression she was too busy to waste words on them.

There was no more ceremony about it than that, and Kera and Syere seemed to take the presence of a strange Gidinian completely in their stride. Masha came in to collect an order, frowned at him, but Nikolas just smiled and told her that Seve was helping out, and then she was fine.

He worked for about an hour, and then was given a bowl of soup, then more vegetable to wash and peel. Then a couples of slices of delicious bread slathered with fresh butter, before another task was set for him. That continued for hours—work, a little to eat or drink, a brief rest and then work again. By the time the inn closed its doors, he had eaten very well and prepared the makings of what seemed like hundreds of meals. The women grinned at him. “Not bad for a man,” Syere said to Nikolas with a wink. “And easy on the eye too.”