The Tao of Apathy (21 page)

“
Look, honey,” Seuss said hitting
his knee on the steering wheel. “I think we need to talk.” Seuss
had squirmed on his folding chair throughout dinner and had not
laughed at any of the speakers’ jokes. Someone had even done a
David Letterman top ten list. He pulled his chewed thumbnail out of
his mouth and unbuckled his seat belt. It knocked him in the chin
as it recoiled.

“
I have never seen you so
excited,” she said reaching for his zipper. Immediately, she yanked
her hand away when his knees clamped shut. Jan turned away and put
the hand that had reached for his zipper on the door handle. “Why
do you always do that?”

Seuss rubbed his chin. It was then that Jan
began to cry.

There were two men inside Gregg Seuss. One was
selfish, the other stupid. The selfish one was the one that usually
took center stage while the stupid one milled around backstage with
his hands in his pockets. He was eager to be given a task, but
would screw it up when called to action. The stupid one leaned
against a wall and began whistling, pretending not to see Jan’s
tears. The selfish man had his own, important problems.

“
I got to tell you, honey,” Mr.
Selfish began. “I’m worried about tomorrow. I don’t know what you
may see me have to do. I have already broken the sacred bond
between Godson and Godfather and I don’t think that dumbass is
going to come through for me.

“
What if Petty has no choice but
to give you peons a voice in decisions? I mean a real say in how
things get done. That will leave me with nothing and everything I
have worked for will be gone. Anytime, I do something illegal,
someone will be able to fill out a union grievance. My workers will
speak and I will have to listen.” He looked down. “After tomorrow,
the ones doing the work will get all the recognition and I’ll get
nothing.”

“
Everybody looks up to you,” Jan
sobbed. “What are you worrying about? You are a successful man. You
make at least sixty thousand a year, you have this car, me and some
woman on the side.”

Seuss took his hand from his chin. “You are
the only woman in my life.”

“
No, come on. You must have some
young thing on the side.”

“
No. All I have is my job. Oh, and
you.”

“
A secret debilitating drug habit
then?”

“
Sometimes, I sneak a caffeinated
coffee.”

“
Secret life as CIA
agent?”

He shrugged.

“
Well then—well why don’t we
ever—why don’t you ever-- how come we never screw?”

“
I knew someday you might ask me
that.” Mr. Selfish was letting Mr. Stupid do the talking for a
while.

“
We have been dating for ten
years. You have a penis. I see the bulge in your Dockers on casual
day. I want to know. How come I have never spent the night or an
evening or fifteen minutes naked with you?”

Seuss shot her a look. “Are you sure you don’t
want to keep pretending it’s not weird? I’ve already strung you
along for ten years.”

“
Oh my God. You’re gay. I see it
now. Your obsession with cleanliness. Your mother. This
car.”

“
Why me? Why now?” Seuss bawled.
Then he stopped. “No. I’m not gay.” Then he began to cry again.
“Everything is falling apart. I knew someday it would. Why?
Why?”

“
Walter.”

“
I have to stop.” He rubbed his
tears with his shirt cuff. “The director of Food Services can’t act
like this. I mean the leader of A.P.R.O.N.S.”

“
Walter, what are you babbling
about?”

Seuss grabbed the steering wheel with both
hands. “Okay. Okay. I’ll tell you what you want to know. Everything
is falling apart, anyway and you have it pretty much figured
out.”

“
No. I’m stumped.”

Seuss took a deep breath. “We have never spent
the night together because I have a phobia of light
deprivation.”

“
Huh?”

“
I am scared of the
dark.”

“
Huh? I haven’t been serviced for
ten years because you need a night light?”

“
Well… not having the lights on
makes me very nervous, but the problem is I am paralyzed with fear
of having somebody finding this out. How could I be a leader with
everyone thinking I’m a wacko? (Joe would have told him that he did
this now.) I couldn’t have gone on if I admitted to you that I was
weak. You would have told your co-workers.”

Jan shoved him into his door. “I love you. I
would have done anything for you.”

“
Yeah, but still. You are an
hourly employee and I’m management. I couldn’t take the chance of
you finding out. I mean we could have done a quickie over lunch,
but there would have been the eventuality that it would lead to us
being together at night-time.”

“
So—the one guy I know that has a
retirement fund and a time share in Florida has never had an orgasm
because he is ascared of the bogey man?”

“
No. I masturbate. I am not a
freak.”

“
Take me home, Walter.”

Chapter 45

Dan had never worked as hard for anything as
he had for the union. He felt new feelings of honor and
satisfaction that came from standing up and fighting for the right
side. He was not used to that. He was not used to fighting for
anything. He had always taken what came his way and as the child of
upper income parents, only good things had come down the pike. He
had always been too busy with his fulfilling career and his
spirited, but well-behaved friends to worry. He didn’t even need a
raise, his benefits or even his salary because his wife already
made twice as much as he did and paid for everything. But because
of the struggle to get the union, he had realized that there was
more to life than just being happy (Finding this out, his marriage
had never been stronger). He found a purpose in fighting for
workers’ rights and evening the score on the administrators whose
only purpose was to make money out of people’s illness and
suffering.

It was not all good. It was not all
satisfaction. His purpose had put wrinkles on his previously
unfurrowed brow. Each day he felt more disgust at the way his
co-workers were being swayed away from the union. Even Betty’s
advice to not trust Petty had begun to haunt him. However, the
audio/visual coordinator/union organizer/boy toy held on to the
belief in the importance of his job and he kept careful watch on
his video equipment and allocated them for use only after careful
deliberation. That’s why Bigger stole a cart with a VCR and TV on
it.

Although nine thirty at night, Bigger was not
noticed as he pushed the five hundred dollars worth of electronic
equipment (when purchased in 1997) down the hallway. Getting into
Dan’s office had been simple. A maintenance friend of his had
loaned him an illegal set of duplicated keys so that he did not
have to find a security guard to open Dan’s office. The security
guard certainly would have done it, but Bigger did not want to see
Tim’s bare ass laying pipe to a second shift nurse as he walked
into the security office.

Not knowing if the invisibility rays worked on
him at night, Bigger wanted to avoid the nursing station. He had a
plan for that. To get to the Cancer unit, Bigger took the back
elevator, which was used only by the housekeepers and only the
brave among them. The many renovations to the hospital had not
touched this elevator in thirty years. He closed the gate and
pushed the broken 2 button. He knew that taking the TV was the
right thing to do and that it was worth taking this elevator. It
was even exciting to be risking his life. When the elevator jumped
to a halt, he opened the gate and pushed the cart into the hall.
Most of the lights had been turned off. Bigger saw the light from
the nurses’ station and heard the cackle of nurses. Steadily he
pushed the cart, but then began to shake as he neared the door to
Yolanda’s room. He felt like he would throw up, but he also felt
that he would succeed at this. What he was doing sounded stupid
(only now as he did it which was a hell of a time), but somehow it
seemed like it would help. Without knocking, he walked into the
room and plugged in the TV and VCR.

He kept his back to Yolanda as he turned the
equipment on and pressed play. “I already have a TV in my room
which I already have on,” she told him. Bigger walked
out.

At first there was just blue
screen. Yolanda cursed that she would have to call a nurse in to
turn it off. She no longer had the strength to get up or the will.
The FBI warning appeared on the screen. Then with a loud flourish
of music, Burl Ives began to sing and the movie
Summer Magic
began.

“
Oh my God.”

Yolanda dropped her call button.

Chapter 46

Bigger skipped out of the
CCU after delivering his last breakfast cart. He felt like a new
man. Doing something for that patient last night made him feel
cleansed of his doubt and fear of failure. But as he walked,
feeling free from doubt began to make him doubt himself again. What
am I forgettin? he thought. Then he felt fear. What if I squander
my new feelings without producing any progress in my
life
?
He was on
the verge of being disgusted with himself, when as he passed the
chapel, he heard the dinging of bells and it stopped him in his
tracks. They did not sound like church bells, but like a
jack-in-the-box being wound. Then he heard an electric siren. He
cautiously opened one of the large double doors of the chapel and
looked in. He immediately took several steps forward to find an
arcade.

Where the two rows of six pews had been were
two rows of video games. Each row consisted of eight machines- four
pairs lined up back to back. Bigger walked in further and saw that
to his left was a row of pinball machines along the wall. He
checked them out and found his three favorite games: Batman, The
Simpsons, and Playboy.

He walked up the line of pinball machines and
then back down it. He looked over at the opposite wall out of
curiosity and saw a row of games for younger children and a young
boy, maybe six, wearing a small hospital gown with bears on it. His
dad was behind him, helping catch yellow balls painted like bees in
a small net on the end of a pole as forced air blew the bee balls
around the inside of the game.

A colored beam of light came out the window
where the camera that broadcast mass on the in-house channel used
to be. The light spanned across the chapel and created a small
laser light show where the cross had hung. Bigger wondered for a
moment if the patients could watch the game room on Sunday
mornings. He walked up the center aisle with his hands folded and
approached the altar on which stood a regulation pool table under a
Mountain Dew light. The chapel had one small stained glass window
on the right wall of the altar; fastened to it now was a neon light
that glared St. Jude’s. Behind the pool table, where the tabernacle
had been, was Mortal Combat 4 and Dykes stood before it with his
back to Bigger. Bigger walked up closer.

“
Hi, Bigger,” Dykes said without
turning from the game. Bigger gave a small scream in startlement.
“Take it easy, Bigger. I saw your reflection on the
screen.”

“
Jesus Chr- I mean holy crap,
don’t do that. This place has me creeped out. I mean I almost swore
in an arcade. Where have you been lately, Dykes?”

“
Here. Since before they opened it
up.” Dykes jerked the joystick to the machine in a spasm, then
pounded a button several times. “This is a great place to
hide.”

“
I suppose you need a haven where
your women won’t be chasing you.” Bigger spoke loudly over the
sound of the music coming from the machine. “But I’ve been going
nuts without seeing you around.”

“
Really?”

“
Duh. Some of the things you come
up with crack me up. The day you quit is the day I quit, too. Hey,
watch out for that bad dude.”

He really doesn’t like me, John thought. He
likes talking to me because I’m the only person that isn’t a jerk
to him up on the units.

“
Yeah, you’re the only person
that’s not a jerk to me up on the units. Think of that, Dykes. Of
the three hundred people that I come in contact with-”

Dykes still playing, could only think, I was
right.

“
-I’m lucky that I ended up being
friends with you. You know, if I hadn’t clicked with you, it would
have been somebody else. Did you ever notice friendships are on a
first come first have basis. They are also on a first in first out
basis too, but that’s something else.” He leaned on the game and
watched Dykes play. “Especially at work, the first people you come
in contact with you think are great, you become friends with them
and everyone else is a weirdo or an enemy.” Bigger thought of
Yolanda lying in her hospital bed without any friends to be with
her as she dies. “So I’m lucky you were one of those first people I
met. I sure would have hated ended up having some of these assholes
that work here as friends.”