The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (2 page)

              Like the teachings of the Eastern masters and the
Tao Te Ching
, the concepts may seem paradoxical at first.  I urge you to find the hidden truth behind the paradox.  You may also find that some of these ideas go directly against your expectations or beliefs.  In those cases, I encourage you to just test them out, without any prejudice as to whether they are right or wrong: just see what happens.  As Albert Einstein said, "If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it."  Ordinary ideas and measures will give you ordinary results at best.  Extraordinary results, on the other hand, require extraordinary measures.  As such, the more an idea challenges your current belief set, the more likely it is to effect breakthrough in your life.

              You should think of the ideas in this book as tools for achieving whatever your dating goals may be, from a fling to marriage.  I've based these concepts in ancient wisdom along with proven science to ensure that they are as timeless and universal as possible – as likely to be true a hundred years from now as they are today.  As such, although the book is based on a North American model of dating, most of the principles are applicable regardless of who or where you are.  At the same time, I make some assumptions about you, the reader:

1) You are interested in long-term fulfillment as opposed to short-term gain.  There are two operating words here:
long-term
and
fulfillment
.  As with investment and career choices, the tactics for short-term gain in dating tend to be different from the ones for long-term benefit.  Also, it's important to remember that fulfillment is not a person – it is a feeling.  And sometimes the way to have that fulfillment will seem paradoxical (e.g. spending some quality time alone). 

2) For the purposes of long-term relationships, you are interested first and foremost in a Good Guy.  A Good Guy is a man (as opposed to a boy) who knows what he wants and knows where he's going.  He has a strong internal compass guiding him along his life's purpose, he's completely comfortable in his own skin, and he's a leader.  At the same time that he's a perfect gentleman, always having your well-being in mind, he's perfectly willing to give you some gentle ribbing every once in a while.  He exists in contradistinction to such male archetypes as the Bad Boy, Man-Child and Nice (But Kind of Wimpy) Guy.

3) You are open both to scientific concepts and spiritual principles and are willing to try on novel ideas that are likely to bring more fun and fulfillment into your life.  If you're more scientifically-oriented, consider this an introduction to spiritual concepts.  If you're more spiritually-oriented, consider this a chance to delve into your scientific side.

              In the end, this book is more about helping you find your own way than about telling you what to do.  Sometimes we can get stuck in a rut, and all it takes is a tiny jolt, a little piece of information, to get us up and running again.  Many people are finding that jolt amongst the precepts of Eastern wisdom, and if you're reading this, it's likely that you are one of them.

             
Some of you will find
The Tao of Dating
highly applicable to where you are and where you want to be, and some perhaps less so.  As for me – I have been through 21 years of formal education, attended countless lectures and gone through thousands of books in my lifetime.  It’s safe to say that I have not used 100% of everything that I have learned.  But I still seek out new sources of information, sit through weekend-long seminars and sift through new books.  Even if I get
one
new idea,
one
mental shift to see something in a new way,
one
re-iteration of a key concept that I had forgotten, or
one
new application of a concept, then that exercise has been worthwhile.  I urge you to look at any new learning experience in that way, including this book.  New concepts sometimes take time to digest and results may be subtle at first, so go easy on yourself.

              One spark is sometimes all it takes to start a raging fire, and I sincerely hope that you will find many sparks in the time you spend with this book.  I congratulate you on making the decision to bring the Tao into your life today.  Once you allow it, you will find that it will empower you and change your life in ways you had not imagined before.

The five themes of
The Tao of Dating

             
This book is organized around five overarching themes.  We will go over each one in detail in the book, but I want to prime your mind so you pay closer attention each time they appear: 

• The first is
wealth-consciousness
, or the mindset of abundance.  There is enough of everything to go around for everyone. 

• The second is the
Be-Do-Have mentality
, which relates to Napoleon Hill’s famous saying from
Think and Grow Rich
: “Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” 

• The third is
enlightened self-interest
, which is about acting with your long-term well-being in mind.  

• The fourth is
feminine-masculine (yin-yang) polarity
.

• The fifth is
getting out of your own way
.

How to use this book

             
The purpose of
The Tao of Dating
is not just to give you some tricks and hints for you to scrape by on, but rather to turn you into the most empowered, fulfilled version of you possible.  As such, this book is equally about
transformation
and information.  In order to effect that transformation, you have to apply the principles in the book to your life. 

              So I want you to approach this book less as a novel that you read once and shelve and more like a handbook, travel guide or cookbook.  Mark up the chapters and exercises that you like and come back to them.  I've read the
Tao Te Ching
at least 300 times, and I keep on coming back to it, just because something in there always provides me with a new perspective on what's happening.  Think of this book in that vein – a reference you will keep on coming back to. 

              Now if you’re like most people, you are probably going to start reading the book, get to an exercise, skip it, and go straight to the juicy parts about tips and tricks.  So go ahead and do that – I won't tell anyone.  Skim the book once from beginning to end.  Then go back and
do the exercises
.  That is where the transformation occurs (and where some of the tips and tricks are hidden). 

             
The Tao of Dating
contains a lot of information.  If you attempt to remember and try out every idea at once, it may be overwhelming.  That is why the book is organized in a linear fashion.  Start from the beginning, from the work on values, beliefs, attitudes and what you want.  Then move on to the section on how to find quality men.  Progress stepwise to meeting men, attracting them, and perpetuating your relationships with them. 

              Think of it as baking bread.  If you’ve never done it before, you start by thinking about a recipe.  You then go through each step of making the bread in order: go to store, buy ingredients, mix them, make dough, bake, eat.  If you try to do everything at once, you’re more likely to end up with a mess in the kitchen than an edible loaf.  But if you proceed sequentially, at every step of the way you just have to remember what the next step is.  As Lao Tzu says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  Go easy, and good fortune.               

I’m very interested in your thoughts about this book, so do me a favor and drop a line sometime.  Just put 'Question', or 'Comment' or 'That was awesome can I buy you a drink' in the subject line of your email so I know to pay special attention to it. You can write to me personally at:

DrAli(at)TaoOfDating.com

Before proceeding any further, be sure to claim your tasty downloadable bonuses!

Did you know that this book comes with a whole bunch of digital downloads? Well yes, it does! What are these downloads, you ask? Well, let me tell you:

• Full download of audiobook
Best Dating Advice I Ever Got
, which has the top twenty tips 3000 readers picked from the
Tao of Dating

• A subscription to the
Tao of Dating
lessons, which remind you of the key concepts from the book twice a week so you can actually remember to
implement
them

• An audio download of the most excellent Galaxy Consciousness Meditation and several other exercises from the book which are much easier to do when you listen to them

• An audio download and 26-page transcript of the
How to Be A Modern Goddess
talk, which is a reminder of how awesome you are – a great pick-me-up if you're ever down

• A little surprise bonus that I can’t tell about, because then it wouldn’t be a surprise anymore

The guided meditation audios are particularly powerful, since they allow you to experience the meditations with your eyes closed. Useful!

Visit this page to claim your digital downloads:

TaoOfDating.com/goddess

Part I

The Way: Foundations of the Tao

Chapter 1. Dating for Fulfillment

Which would you prefer: the menu or the food?

              Imagine that you’re hungry right now at a diner.  And they offer you just the menu but no food.  Would you settle for that?  Or would you demand actual food? 

              That may seem like a silly question.  But in real life, people sometimes operate as if they aren't sure about the answer.  They chase down the symbol representing what we want – money, titles – instead of the actual thing that we want.  But the money and the titles are only as good as the feelings and experiences they can get for us. 

              So while reading this book, I'd like you to keep in mind what constitutes real fulfillment for you in the dating realm – the actual food, not the menu.  Because fulfillment is not a person – it's a feeling.  The right person is the one who catalyzes an abundance of fulfilling feelings in your life, like love, peace and contentment.  If you're not getting those feelings, it may be a sign that you're either with the wrong person or that you could approach matters with an even better perspective.

Square one: accept and love yourself now

              Some argue that the ultimate aim of everything we do in life is to get more love.  You could be reading this book because you want more love from men, more love from your friends, or more love from yourself.  Of those three, only one is directly under your control – the love you have for yourself.  Generally speaking, being better with men won’t make your friends like you any better (and sometimes may have the opposite effect).  And chances are that if you are not happy with yourself right now, no amount of success with men will ever make up for that.  And no man will be able to trigger feelings of fulfillment in you.

              In fact, it only gets harder when you
have
what you
thought
would make you happy and still find happiness elusive.  So go ahead and decide
now
to be comfortable in your own skin and to accept yourself exactly as you are.  Why?  Besides being a good starting point, there is no time when it’s not right now.  Now is the only time.  And true fulfillment can only come from sharing your joy, contentment and self-sufficiency with the rest of the world in the present moment.  Decide it, claim it, be it.

Be content with what you have and who you are
And you cannot be harmed.

                            – Lao Tzu,
Tao Te Ching,
Ch. 44

So if you’re perfectly okay right where you are, why would you need this book?  Great question.  It reminds me of an old Buddhist saying: “We are perfect as we are, and we could all use a little work.” 

Here's one way to think about it. Seeking out resources for self-improvement simply means that you are on a journey of growth.  And in order to reach your goals in dating – or anything else in life – it's important to believe that at every point along this journey of growth, you are complete.  A sequoia seedling is always a sequoia at every point along its path to becoming a towering tree.  And so are you always an empowered, fulfilled woman on your way to even greater empowerment and fulfillment.  You are always turning into the best possible version of you.