The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman's Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible (3 page)

              This is important because the world tends to be a reflection of your dominant thoughts.  When you signal to the world "I am okay," the world will agree with you.  When you signal “Well, I’ll be okay if I just get this little part fixed, but I’m not quite okay right now,” then the world will agree with you also. 

              Recognize that whatever mindset you have right now is the one you're likely to carry with you for the rest of your life.  If you don't think you're okay right now, chances are that no events or circumstances will change that.  Thus I encourage you to choose right now to adopt the mindset that, wherever you are, regardless of your real or imagined inadequacies, you accept yourself just as you are.  Stop the struggle and just be.  Chapter 29 of the
Tao Te Ching
puts it thus:

Those who try to fix the world fail.
The world is sacred; it can't be improved.
Those who tamper with it harm it.
Those who grasp at it lose it.

There’s a time for leading,
And a time for following;

A time for blowing hot,

And a time for blowing cold;
A time for motion

And a time for rest;
A time for  vigor,
And a time for exhaustion;
A time for beginning,
And a time for ending..
The sage sees things as they are,
And takes the middle path,

Away from the extremes.

Fulfillment is a feeling, not a person

              The most common question I get from my readers is
"How do I get this guy?"
  The answer is simple: you're asking the wrong question. 

              Deep down, women seek relationships not because they want a particular guy, but rather because they want the feelings that a good relationship brings them.  This class of feelings I call
fulfillment
.  Fulfillment is having someone to see that movie with, someone to cook dinner for (or to cook for you), someone to take with you to your best friend's wedding, someone to cuddle up with on a Friday night.

              A big mistake in relationships is focusing on the person instead of the fulfillment.  The object of your desire could be the most exceptional man on earth, but if he lives 5 hours away or is a workaholic and is never around when you want his company, chances are you are not going to be fulfilled in the long run. 

              When you are dating someone, ask yourself often, "Do I feel fulfilled in this relationship?" and answer that question with utter honesty.  If the answer is 'no' at any point, you may wish to reconsider your situation.  The flip side of that is when you
do
feel fulfilled for the most part, but there are some points of conflict looming in your mind.  In that case, you may wish to weigh the relative importance of those peccadilloes compared to the fulfillment you're already experiencing.

              Another issue with seeking out a particular man as the key to your fulfillment is that by doing so, you are denying the abundance of the world.  When you chase anything in life, you are affirming its lack in your life.  Spiritual law holds that the world tends to mirror your dominant thoughts.  So if you affirm the lack of something in your life, be it wealth, companionship or health, the world will agree with you, and that thing will be driven farther away from your reach.  We'll discuss this topic further in Chapter 5 on Beliefs.

              Now one sure way to chase away your own fulfillment is to compare yourself to others:  Jane has a better-looking, better-educated boyfriend who cooks for her; Barbara's boyfriend is marriage-minded, etc.  Comparison gets you in trouble because comparing yourself with those whom you perceive as better off can make you bitter.  Comparison with those whom you perceive as worse off can make you vain (and frankly, bitter and vain people are a bit of a drag to be around).  If you’re ever going to compare, compare yourself to your former self, and notice how far you have come along.  And stay centered on your fulfillment, which will be different from that of anyone else.

The power of gratitude

              So what constitutes a more effective approach than wishing, wanting, needing, and yearning your way into a fulfilling relationship?  The secret weapon here is called gratitude.  The idea is simple: right now, if you are sitting somewhere and reading this book, chances are you have a roof over your head and are clothed and fed.  You probably have a job and friends and family who care for you.  Trillions of cellular operations are all working in harmony this very second to keep you alive and functioning.  There is
no end
to the things you could be grateful for. 

              Of course, you have a choice.  You could focus on what's missing from your life – a 70-ft yacht on the French Riviera, a villa in Tuscany or a doting, movie-star boyfriend or husband.  Or you can focus on the infinitude of things that are
right
with your life (and there are billions of them, I assure you).  Focusing on the billions of things that are right with your life is more likely to make you feel good than focusing on the few things that you perceive as missing.  Try this fun little exercise to get a better sense of what I mean.

Exercise 1. The Power of Focus

Take about 30 seconds right now to look around the room.  Take notice and mentally catalog everything in the room that is
brown
, and do your best to remember as many of them as possible.  Look around and do that now; when you are done, continue reading. 

              Now, while keeping your eye on the page, recall all the items in the room that are
green
.  Green?  Yes, green.  You probably didn’t come up with many, since you were so focused on the brown stuff.  You tend to get more of what you focus on.  So choose to focus on the good stuff, and you’ll have no choice but to get more of it.

              Gratitude feels good.  Gratitude may be the most empowering feeling you can have.  And it's always there, even when you think it isn't.  All you have to do is to choose to focus on what's good in your life.  In his moving book
Man's Search for Meaning
, Viktor Frankl recounts how even in the midst of the unimaginable brutality of a Nazi concentration camp, he was able to find things to be grateful for: the companionship of his friends in camp; a moment of solitude; the savoring of a dry morsel of bread.  So when you’re feeling down, it can be helpful to remind yourself of how good you really do have it compared to what could be.

              You can even feel gratitude for the relationship that you would like to have.  The fact is that the person with whom you'll be sharing this relationship is already out there somewhere, and it's only a matter of time before you meet or recognize him.  Think of it as a paycheck that you've already worked for and is coming to you sooner or later; you're sure it's coming, just not exactly
when
it's coming.  And you're okay with that. 

              When you feel gratitude, you feel good, and when you feel good, you glow.  Other people will gravitate towards you.  There is no more attractive force than being an epicenter of positive feeling.  So gratitude becomes the magnet that will draw the right person into your life.  As Tenzin Gyatso, the 13th Dalai Lama famously noted, "There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way."

              Another neat feature of gratitude is that it tends to be its own reward.  Feelings don't come with little color-coded flags saying
this is the name of what you are feeling.
  For example, what you may think of as fear you could just as easily re-interpret as excitement or anticipation.  Similarly, gratitude feels a lot like fulfillment; in fact, it may be the essence of what fulfillment is.  So when you consciously choose to feel gratitude, you're bringing fulfillment into your life on demand.  And when you have that feeling of fulfillment and the empowerment that comes with it, you may no longer feel that you really
need
a man, since you already have the feelings that he would bring.  However, you may still
want
a man, which is a much more empowered position to operate from than needing one.  More on that later.

The Be-Do-Have Paradigm

              Most people are seeking some kind of result in life, and believe that success means
having
that result, be it wealth, status, relationships.  As such, they’re often looking for the shortcut, the quick and dirty solution, the overnight scheme.  Sure, there are overnight schemes; the problem is that they also tend to last only overnight.  Easy come, easy go. 

              True success, on the other hand, is not an accident; it is a
habit
.  Most lottery winners go back to their original or lower level of wealth just two years after winning all that money; many go bankrupt.  True success only comes from embarking on a path of mastery, which takes time and effort.  By purchasing this book and reading this far, you have taken the first and second steps on that path.  For that I congratulate you.  Seventy percent of people don’t even make it this far
[*]
.  Keep up the good work.

              Most people think of success in terms of possession: in order to
be
someone, you must
have
something.  If you have money and spend lots of it, you are rich.  If you have an attractive mate, you are successful in dating. 

              The truth is that the
reverse
of this mindset is the true key to success.  All great works of spirituality from the
Tao Te Ching
to the Bible emphasize that the first step of success is to embody the vision of the success you want to have: "As you believe, so it is done unto you."  A simple and powerful articulation of this is the Be-Do-Have paradigm, in which success comes from possessing the mindset, “I am a successful person.”  This in turn leads to actions.  The actions then manifest the signs that people commonly refer to as success. 

              There is a long-standing tradition in Eastern wisdom of being detached from results.  As Krishna said to Arjuna in the
Bhagavad Gita
, you are entitled to your actions, not the results of your actions.  Here’s the insight: if you are following the path of fulfillment, then the
action is the result
.  The work is the wealth.  As Mahatma Gandhi put it, “Full effort is full victory.”     

              Let’s use the example of money.  In order to be wealthy, first you must
be
a wealthy person, with the attendant mindsets and beliefs.  You wake up in the morning thinking, “How would Warren Buffett spend his day?”  Once you have convinced your brain that you are a wealthy person, then you will naturally
do
what a wealthy person does – do your homework, make good decisions, have shrewd associates, be thrifty in your ways, have overall welfare in mind.  And, as a result, not only will you effortlessly
have
what a wealthy person possesses, but you will also have the true wealth of following a path of fulfillment.  This is true of any sphere of endeavor. 

You rise to a higher level of consciousness by taking your attention away from your present limitations and placing it upon that which you desire to be.  Do not attempt this in day-dreaming or wishful thinking but in a positive manner.  Claim yourself to be the thing desired.  I AM that; no sacrifice, no diet, no human tricks.  All that is asked of you is to accept your desire.  If you dare claim it, you will express it. 

              – Neville,
Your Faith Is Your Fortune

              For example, Marie Curie was always the brilliant Nobel-winning scientist, even when she was a young, penniless nanny.  When she inhabited that 18-year old mind and body without access to knowledge of her future, she may have never imagined turning into one of the greatest scientists in history and the winner of two Nobel prizes.  Yet to us, it seems strange to think of her any other way than
the
Marie Curie, regardless of her age.  You can apply that example to the young versions of any great person in history.  The young Eleanor Roosevelt, Jane Austen, and Indira Gandhi all harbored self-doubt in their development towards greatness.  Yet, in retrospect, they were great to us even as young women on the journey.  Recognize that you are on that same journey of greatness, and that it takes a little bit of time for the greatness to fully manifest.

              So now I invite you to envision the most brilliant vision of your future.  Where do you see yourself in 10 years?  In twenty?  What will you accomplish?  How do you want to be remembered?  What kind of relationships will you have?  With what kind of people?  Make that vision as grand as possible, and then start to embody it immediately.  Re-read the quote from Neville above.  Is there a guarantee that all the details of your vision will come true?  Perhaps not 100%.  But
without
the vision, there is hardly a chance of achieving the goal. 

              So dare to think and imagine.  No one has access to your thoughts, so make them as big and brilliant and inspiring as possible.  Great thoughts cost as much as mediocre ones, so might as well go big.  Now is a good time to do the following exercise.