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Authors: Bryan Taylor

Tags: #Humour

BOOK: The Three Sisters
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“If you’ll come this way,” Theodora said as they walked into the next room, “you’ll see that most of the furnishings here are taken from nineteenth-century France, the period of the cultured
demi-monde
. Some of the sitting rooms downstairs, where the couples go after coming here, are
similarly furnished.”

No tour of the rooms in the basement was deemed necessary by K and Co., so with the inspection of the receiving rooms omitted, the tour of the Kennedy Center officially ended. The group then took the elevator up to the top floor of the building where Victor Virga’s office was located. As always, Victor was busy, and the three sisters, two Rams, and one penguin were forced to wait in the outer office until Victor was off the phone and ready to
receive them.

“Don’t feel put off about having to wait on Victor,” Theodora apologized. “He never stops moving and never has enough time to
do anything.”

“Well,” said Mrs. Ram, “after seeing all this, he’d have to go a long way to surprise me. I sure appreciate you warning us all about this
place beforehand.”

“I guess it would have been
rather shocking.”

“Not rightly shocking, just unexpected. A week ago I’d’ve never thought of you working here, Theodora, but everyone’s got to earn a living. It’s just that it’s quite different from what we
would’ve expected.”

“Well, I knew it’d be,”
said Theodora.

“But there’s no going back now,” reflected Mrs. Ram. “And it doesn’t seem to have changed you
that much.”

“I guess not. I don’t know whether Victor has a job lined up for you here or somewhere else yet, but I’m sure he has something in mind. You see, Victor keeps up with his old contacts in the government, Hollywood, and business. So believe me, he has no shortage
of connections.”

“Then why’d he go into this business?” asked
Mrs. Ram.

“Well, he had always worked for other people, but he wanted his own business. He told me one time this was the perfect choice because he made his friends happy and made money off of them at the same time. The Center has been a real success, but I think the success came too easily for him. Sometimes he acts like he’s bored with it here. He’s got money, so money isn’t important to him. He always wants a challenge. Victor wants to do something different and new all the time so he’ll always have new horizons to conquer. He wasn’t satisfied with one Kennedy Center in Washington, so he built new ones in New York and San Francisco. Now he wants to totally reconceive the idea of the Kennedy Center for the expansion in Los Angeles, which is also why we’re here today—to tell him some of our ideas. Who knows? After that he may tire of the Kennedy Center, sell it off, and move on, but the Center just wouldn’t be the same
without him.”

“Another thing you better warn them about, Thea, is that he’s frenetic, always moving around, but don’t let him make you nervous. And he’s got an opinion on just about everything, though he’s usually wrong if you ask me,”
Coito added.

“K means that she and Victor disagree a lot,” explained Theodora. “He looks at everything from a businessman’s point of view, and K looks at everything from the rebel’s point of view. As one might guess, they
rarely coincide.”

“Actually, some of his ideas are pretty interesting,” interjected Regina. “He says the reason Hollywood reached the pinnacle of artistic achievement in the
1930
s and early
1940
s was because they had a monopoly on theaters in the U.S. Some judge threw the anti-trust law at them, their financial power faltered, and they didn’t have guaranteed distribution like they had had before. They couldn’t make as many films anymore, so they couldn’t keep as many stars and technicians on the payroll. Thus, Hollywood began its steady decline. I really hadn’t thought of that before, but I guess since he worked out there for a while, he
should know.”

Victor’s secretary told the group they could go in to see Victor. They went to the office door, waited for the buzzer, and entered into his unique office. First, there was the furniture, all specially designed for Victor since he refused to own anything others might possess. Second, there were the hundreds of pictures which covered the walls of his office, some autographed, of prominent persons of the past and present. Third, there
was Victor.

“K, Thea, Regina,” Victor exclaimed as he walked over and received a long, passionate kiss from each of the three. “Now I remember why I hired you three,” said Victor. “Great kissing.” Sister Carla walked over to the aquarium, stood in front of it, and began watching
the fish.

“Listen girls, haven’t got much time, lots to do. First, legal problems. Got to get organized here. Need some cooperation from you three for once. You too, K. Pretty optimistic right now. You three’ll probably have to stay in hiding for another week. Otherwise, things are shaping up,” Victor began in his rapid-fire, staccato style of talking. “Don’t worry though, year from now, all these problems’ll be a thing of the past. Forget they
even happened.”

“That’s easy for you to say,”
interjected Theodora.

“OK, girls, but look.” Victor quickly pulled a dart gun off of the desk and shot it at a senator friend of his. The Rams, unaccustomed to Victor’s mannerisms, jumped at Victor’s sudden action, but the three, used to his unique way of releasing tension, failed to flinch a muscle.

Victor’s mania for shooting pictures of prominent people with darts had begun ten years before. At that time he was working for a T
V/
movie studio in California and was given the impossible task of keeping the budget on each and every film from exceeding the amount assigned to it. Long, time-consuming, inefficient battles were carried out between agents and the studios over the smallest trifle, and unions successfully ate up as much of the budget as they could.

One day a company executive invited Victor over to his house after a premiere where the man revealed how he got rid of his anger. Beneath his house was a shooting gallery where the executive put pictures of his complaining, comerous actors, actresses, and union leaders on targeted bodies which could turn aside or move back and forth. Numerous arguments and several hundred murdered actors and actresses later, Victor Virga had become addicted to this new form of entertainment. Eventually, the passion for shooting down his clients grew so great that Victor could no longer wait to go home and fire several rounds, but had to fire the shots in his office. Lest a stray bullet find a victim, the dart gun became a substitute. At first unsatisfactory, eventually it worked as effectively as a real gun. Now the vicarious murder of prominent persons was part and parcel of Victor’s
daily life.

Seeing the dart had stuck to its target, Victor returned to the subject at hand. “You three have to learn how to use society. You will someday, but better late than never and all that.” Victor looked at Coito. “I learned from the first. Conform, then use the system. Don’t conform, system uses you. Controlling better than being controlled. If I hadn’t known that, wouldn’t be able to help you three now. Have to plan ahead. Have to use my connections to save
your skins.”

“We are much beholden,” K
countered cynically.

“Does everyone here at the KC know what happened to us?”
asked Theodora.

“Some employees, a few customers. Actually, you three gave us some great publicity. Couldn’t tell everyone, of course. Did leak what happened to some customers. Worked out just great. Kept them coming back to find out what’d happened and when you three’d
be back.”

“Have you heard anything more from the government?”
K asked.

“Of course. Actually, things going quite well. I’d say,
92
percent chance of things working out perfectly. Lawyers talked to the sheriff down in Tennessee. Kazan or something. You’ve met him, of course. Great guy, really understanding. Asks for a lot of money though. Figures he won’t get re-elected now, so he’s trying to rake in as much as he can. Perfect politician. But at least he’s willing to talk business. Why didn’t you wait in jail, K?” asked Victor as his train of thought suddenly
switched tracks.

“I told you forty-eight hours. It’s not my fault you didn’t come through. Couldn’t you have even paid the bail?” asked K of
quaquaversal Victor.

“K, told you…you caught me at a bad time. Can’t drop everything because you get in trouble. Got the lawyers working on it right away. Another day and…but I already told
you that.”

“So have you got things worked out yet?” asked Theodora
once again.

“Almost, sheriff was going to drop the case when he arrested the gypsies Tony stole the car from, but then you three broke out of jail. Ruined everything. Think we’ve worked out a new deal though. Real understanding man. Kazan’d do well here in Washington. Stakes might be too high for
him though.”

“So what about the charges?”
demanded Theodora.

“Had decided drop the charges before you unofficially left jail. Trying to fix it so your escape was actually your release from jail, though a highly original one
at that.”

“What about the
stolen hearse?”

“Where I had to compromise.” Uninhibited by his coat and tie, Victor suddenly turned
120
degrees and shot an actor who had proved particularly problematic out in Hollywood. “Damn stupid of Tony. To get you three off hook, Tony has to confess to taking the car. Get a suspended sentence since it’s a first offense. No one’ll be the wiser. Sheriff gets credit for solving the crime. Helps him. No one goes to jail. Everyone’s happy. As for the Rams, well, here they are. Once they show up to claim station wagon which police found, explain that they were ignorant of your illegal doings when they met you, that they willingly drove you three up here, everything’ll be all right. Kidnapping and grand theft charges’ll
be dropped.”

“So we’re free again?” asked a
bright-eyed Regina.

“Not quite. Only obstacle remaining is one Detective Hole. Seems intent on bringing about your capture. Some obsession of his with Catholicism and women. Doesn’t like you three for
some reason.”

“Just give me a few hours with him,”
Regina offered.

“No, no, won’t work. Real puritan type, unmarried, reportedly a forty-six year-old virgin.
Real sickie.”

“Sounds it,” said Regina. Mrs. Ram was keeping her eye on Victor to make sure he did not shoot a dart in
her direction.

“Trying the old squeeze play,” Victor explained. “But I’ve got a game plan. Go right over Detective Hole’s head. First, get Kazan out of the game. Once sheriff clears the books, state problems are over with. Send Rams to get the car. Then it’ll be easy to convince Feds to drop the case. Should work, probably take another week or so. Didn’t have to deal with all the red tape, we’d’ve been through with this already. A day is like a thousand years with a bureaucracy and
all that.”

“So how do you know all this about Detective Hole?”
asked Theodora.

“Agent on the case came here, asked questions. Told him not to waste my time and sent him to my lawyers. Been negotiating since then. Learned about Detective Hole through one of his co-workers, real nice guy, John something or other. Comes here all the time. Tells everything to whomever he goes with on a given night. Not sure if he knows you three work here yet. Thought he was trying to feed us a line, spying, but everything he said checked out. So we know exactly what’s happening on your case. Just give me some time though. Think I can work things out on your case.” Victor shot straight ahead at former President Ford.

“Don’t worry, girls, know I can pull this off. My years in business, government, have convinced me that in America, nothing is impossible. All you need is some money, right maneuvering, right contacts, and you can make it happen.” Coito picked the dart up off the floor and threw it to Victor. “In America, great nation, best there is, all you need is an idea, dedication, know-how, connections, you can be a success. Look at us, look at the Kennedy Center, an idea, money, we’ve made it. I built the Kennedy Center, I’ll get you three off the hook,” Victor promised, then paused for a second. “Oh well, enough of that. Let’s get down to business. Have three KC’s now. Need new approach. Why I sent you down to L.A. Look around. Get a feel for the area. ’Course, hope the ideas’ll work out. Know they will. Have to. What do
you think?”

“It’s certainly going to be something if we can pull
it off.”

“Sure we can pull it off. This is America. Anything can happen.” Coito raised her eyes to the ceiling as a note of disapproval at Victor’s continual praise of America. “We’ve got centers in D.C., New York, San Francisco. Could build one in Los Angeles, great town, but if we’re to always lead the pack, stay ahead of our competitors, after all, that’s what it’s all about, we’ve got to take the initiative,” Victor suddenly shot a dart at an old picture of J. P. Morgan which bounced off the wall and fell into the aquarium, frightening Sister Carla.

“Look at L.A., it’s got Hollywood, Disneyland. Knott’s Berry Farm, Magic Mountain, Universal Studios. Amusement, always amusement. Wouldn’t be right, just build another Kennedy Center down there. Have to try another approach. So we build an amusement park. First adult amusement park in America, in the world, in the universe! Once it’s done, our competitors’ll turn green with envy. Well, you’ve had plenty of time to think up some ideas for the park,” Victor said, turning to the three. “So what
are they?”

“Our basic idea,” Theodora began, “is to make it like most other amusement parks: have rides, musical shows, concessions, and so forth, but give the park its own individual touch. Though it will be an adult park, we have to pick rides which everyone can understand or relate to. There are three general areas where we can provide services to the public. First, there are the current fads. For these it is only essential to build the infrastructure for the entertainment facilities to house productions, but it will be necessary to change the programs to keep people coming back and to keep up with what’s going on, or what everyone’s talking about. This shouldn’t be too difficult since we can always rotate productions from another Kennedy Center to L.A. The second area of interest for us to concentrate on is the past, particularly that part of the past with which everyone is familiar, whether it be the Bible, U.S. history, or Hollywood. We can use them all. Third, there is the future where we try to predict how things
will be…”

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