The Three Sisters (18 page)

“Only if he finds out, which
he won’t,”

Theodora did not know that Benny had trailed them and that even if she had left, he would have followed them back to Joan’s house and reported their new residence to the police. It was Theodora’s visit to the national Gallery, not K’s desire to stay at the Washington Monument which had determined their fate. Later, when Coito realized this, she said, “See, Theodora, if we’d left like you wanted, we’d never had had our orgy and would’ve been captured just
the same.”

The Rams had taken in Washington, D.C. from the four windows and were ready to leave when Coito told them that they had to go to the Kennedy Center for the night, and the Rams would have to return to Susan’s house by cab. K gave them the address and cab fare and promised them their tour would continue the next day. Ensuring that they would not take the last elevator down, the three surreptitiously headed down the stairwell, stopped a hundred steps below, and returned moments later once the last elevator had taken the Rams down to the base of the monument. With all the tourists gone, Regina and her sisters made short work of seducing Bill, John, and a third guard, none of whom had ever considered having an orgy where they worked. Thus, Coito’s dream
was fulfilled.

None of the monument’s six occupants could ever in their wildest dreams have imagined how dramatically their lives were to be changed by their decision. Leaving themselves no means of escape, the three were soon to pay dearly for their error. It was not those within, however, who were to be the three’s undoing that evening, but Benny without who held the three sisters’ fate in his hands. About five o’clock, he saw the elderly couple who had been with the three leave the monument; later a couple of employees left, but no three sisters. Where was Regina? he wondered. He prayed Regina and the others had not left the monument without him noticing, for if they had, his money would be gone for sure. No, he was positive the three had not come out. Benny did not have the slightest idea what was going on inside the monument, or why the three had not come out with the other tourists, so his only choice was to wait. When six o’clock arrived and still no three sisters, Benny called the police to inform them of the three’s new location. Only when he gave the operator all the details did the police believe Benny’s story. Word was sent to Detective Hole, who had already visited the National Gallery in vain, to head to the Washington Monument. At the same time, the police and members of the FBI converged on the Washington Monument so they could be there when the three were arrested. Certain the three’s capture was imminent; the news media was informed of the
newest development.

The siege of the Washington Monument provided Detective Hole with a feeling of profound pleasure for he realized that there was no way the three sisters could escape the law this time. “Once again, good triumphs over evil,” he told John Hotchkiss, who was already anticipating
his promotion.

Not understanding why anyone would take up residence at the top of the Washington Monument from which escape was impossible, Detective Hole surmised that the three had realized their capture was inevitable and had decided to make a last stand which would bring them as much attention as possible before they were thrown into jail and sank into oblivion. Though Detective Hole had solved another case
con ciencia cierta
, the most arduous part of the ordeal lay ahead: the negotiations, surrender or attack, filing of charges, trial, guilty verdict, and sentencing of the criminals. The first step was to capture the criminals, but Detective Hole’s concern was to find out if there were any hostages. He wanted no innocents to
be hurt.

As the police began taking up their positions, TV cameras and newspapermen began arriving on the scene to report the news to the public. The first to arrive was a female news reporter who had chanced upon the siege and was wise enough to take advantage of her good fortune. Susan Kaplin and her crew had been driving toward Virginia on assignment for her NBC affiliate when she noticed the police cars, lights flashing and sirens screaming, pulling up to the monument. Suspecting something was up, she decided to delay her scheduled interview and try to scoop the other reporters in Washington, D.C. By the time reporters who listened in on police calls had themselves arrived or sent others to the scene of the three’s last stand, Ms. Kaplin had already gathered most of the relevant information on the case from the police and was able to give a live, on the spot report when others were just arriving. “It was pure luck,” she later admitted during an interview while promoting her book on
the three.

The live broadcast was a combination of informative reporting and spontaneous interviewing. Looking tough and knowing as always when she was on camera, her hair doused with hair spray so it would not blow in the wind, she not only managed to tell the facts to the public before anyone else could, but she even got Detective Hole and Benny Ditkus to say a few words in front of the cameras. Though the three’s last stand was certainly a newsworthy event, it might have failed to fully attract the public’s attention had not Susan Kaplin asked Benny on
live TV:

“And what was it that made you
recognize Regina?”

“It was her tits,” he told millions of viewers, and the next day thousands of newspapers, magazines, and other periodicals echoed Benny’s four frank words across the globe in large headlines. Susan Kaplin was also the first reporter to pull the “T” word out of the dictionary and refer to the three seditious sisters as terrorists, or as one tabloid screamed in huge letters on their cover, “TERRORISTS
WITH TITS.”

Once the news of the three’s situation was discovered, members of the media used their skills at investigative reporting to create files on the lives of Coito, Theodora, and Regina so special news programs could be broadcast later that evening. The print media produced a barrage of information to fill in special sections in Sunday newspaper reviews or the pages of weekly periodicals.

Though the movements around the hill upon which the Washington Monument was situated attracted much attention below, it mattered little how much noise the police made around the site, for high above the city the three had little concern for the outside world and could not well hear the noise being made below. It was almost seven o’clock when Theodora and the others inside the Washington Monument noticed a helicopter circling the building. Theodora went over to one of the windows, looked down from the tower, and only then noticed all the police cars and even more numerous reporters who surrounded
the building.

“Christ on the cross, K, you’ve done it now,” said Theodora, dejected
and exasperated.

“Not yet, actually,” Coito corrected, not realizing what Ms. Suora was referring to. Theodora turned around and looked straight at Coito. “There’s at least twenty cop cars below, and I don’t think they’ve come to participate in the orgy.” Coito said nothing for once. “So what do we do now, genius? I’ve got to see you pull this
one off.”

“Only one thing to do,” Coito said.
“Call Victor.”

Theodora went over to the little souvenir stand on the lower level of their sanctuary where a phone rested, and called the Kennedy Center. “Is Victor there… I don’t care if he’s busy. This is an emergency and I, this is Theodora, no, he can’t call me back tomorrow. I want to talk to him now, yes, I’ll wait…Hello? Victor? Yes, this is Theodora, no, I’m not at, no things aren’t going so well, no I’m, Victor, listen to me,” she commanded, drawing in her breath. “I think we’re
in trouble.”

CHAPTER VII

Coito,
ergo sum.

– Descartes’
perverted nephew

ictor gave only one response to Theodora’s pleas for help: there was no way to save them now. After tearing into Theodora with a tirade meant for Coito, Victor’s sole promise was that he would put his best lawyer on their case to try and help them. “Face it, Thea, done yourselves in this time,” he told her as he shot a dart at Richard Milhous Nixon. “Stupid thing to do. Leaving house bad enough. Getting caught inexcusable. Should’ve known better, and you know it. Best I can do is keep you three from serving long sentences. But keep you three from being arrested, going to jail? Pipe dream, pure pipe dream.”

Victor advised them to surrender so they would at least have a chance of getting a short or probated sentence; however, Theodora knew that convincing Coito to give up would not be easy. Victor asked to speak with Coito, but Theodora did not let Victor talk to K because he would only blame Coito for everything and make her even more obstinate and less likely
to surrender.

When Theodora hung up the phone, she looked at Coito and Regina, but said nothing. She knew she would soon be back in jail, and not even Victor’s wheeling and dealing could save them now. Theodora’s hopes of remaining free were gone forever, and there was nothing she could do. Theodora had backed down when Coito insisted that she have her way again, and now Theodora would suffer the consequences once more. The only question which remained was how long the three of them would have to spend in prison. It was a question Theodora was not eager to find the
answer to.

After perfunctorily relaying Victor’s advice to Coito and Regina, Theodora walked down a few steps, sat down, and thought over her future: years of life were to be wasted in prison because she had never learned how to keep pervicacious K from having her way. Only a few weeks before, out in California, everything in her life had been going well. Now it had all fallen apart. Why? she asked herself. Coito had done this. It was all Coito’s fault. Theodora had been more concerned with K’s safety than
her own.

When Theodora returned to the upper level where the others were, she could hardly believe that Regina had already removed half her clothes and was allowing Mr. Simpson to knead her breasts. How could she be so nonchalant with the police awaiting them below? Theodora asked herself. She knew Regina rarely allowed anything to upset her, but this was going too far. Theodora knew if she asked Regina how she could be so indifferent to her fate, she would give some off-the-cuff reply like “might as well make hay while the sun shines,” and go on with her lovemaking, so Theodora just kept to herself, and instead, Regina came over to Theodora and jokingly commented, “Now I know how David felt when he looked down and saw Bathsheba,” while Theodora was looking out one of the small,
thick-glassed windows.

Coito’s attitude was completely the opposite of Regina’s. Upon discovering the crowd below and realizing the inevitability of their capture, K fell silent, lit up a cigarette, and stared out the windows overlooking the city. Oblivious to everything above and below, she spoke to no one. Then, as if brought out of a trance, Coito turned around with a look of determination on her face, as if she were going to take on the whole world.

Before the orgy had been for fun, but now K saw it as her last supreme act of defiance, and nothing was going to stop her from perpetrating it, even if all the angels in Heaven were to come down to stop her. Coito knew she had made the misjudgment which would cost them their freedom; she knew she had months, maybe even years in prison ahead of her, but she would never admit that she had been wrong. K might have lost her freedom, but she had yet to lose her pride. She might have to surrender, but first she was going to have her orgy. If she were to pay for her crimes, she thought, then she might as well enjoy committing them. For her, the problem was how to hold out until her mission had been completed. Only when this had been done would she submit
to authority.

The three employees from the Washington Monument, who had easily been seduced and convinced to stay with the three aedoeologists, though now uncertain what to do, actually had little to fear. As hostages, they had committed no crimes and would be freed when the Trinity of Debauchery surrendered or were captured. They had nothing to fear from their captors, and as long as the police did not try to take the three by force, they would suffer no harm.

Though it was then around eight at night and the monument-breachers should have been feeling the pangs of hunger, their decision to participate in feeding other natural needs (Dr. Maslow, where are you?) had kept them from thinking about such primal concerns. Coito’s plan was to do as much as possible while the six of them could, because the police might end the siege at any moment. The horny hostages had already begun their lovemaking when they were interrupted by a ringing telephone which reminded the group of the reality below. Silence broke over the upper floors of the monument as the phone continued to ring. Minutes before, the atmosphere had been as lively as that of a southern cat house, but now everyone behaved as if they were at a funeral. At first, no one went to answer the phone, but after a dozen rings, Coito could put up with the incessant ringing of the telephone no longer and went to answer it.

Coito knew that her handling of the call had to be perfect if the orgy were to continue in the proper spirit. To do this, Coito would have to dispel the others’ apprehension. Knowing that only by making a joke about everything that happened could the six continue to enjoy their planned saturnalia, K went over to the phone in a state of dishabille and told her sisters that she, like St. Francis of Assisi, had a passion for ripping her clothes off and running around naked whenever anything important happened in her life. To ensure that Theodora did not let whatever was about to happen ruin their evening, Coito added that her only regret was that the monument had no videophone. Coito picked up the phone, but
said nothing.

“Hello, this is Detective Hole speaking.” The only response he heard was some heavy breathing. Theodora was beginning to laugh again. “This is Detective Schmuck Hole. Whom am I speaking with? Is this one of the three
Catholic criminals?”

“Jawohl, Herr Hole,” saluted the
unclothed K.

“Who is it?” asked Theodora, hoping it was Victor with some
good news.

“It’s Fire and Brimstone, you know, that fascist who offered the reward for our capture.” Theodora
stopped smiling.

“The Philistines be upon him,”
said Regina.

“God, where do all these Know-Nothing evangelicals come from?”
asked Theodora.

“You’ve got to remember Thea, being an evangelical requires absolutely no intelligence,” observed Cassandra K. “They’re not exactly Jesuits,
you know.”

“Then we’re doomed,”
concluded Theodora.

“Whom am I speaking with?” asked the detective
once again.

“Coito Gott, at your service,” K said brightly while curtseying, determined not to let anyone, most of all someone who hated them and everything they stood for, ruin
their evening.

“Ask him if he’s got the gumption to gump my gaper over the garter,” cried
out Theodora.

“Miss Gott, I am speaking to you from the base of the Washington Monument. I believe you know by now why I have called,” he began calmly, his voice as monotonous and unchanging
as ever.

“Now listen here, Detective Hole,” interrupted K, looking askance at the others. “We’ve got quite an evening planned up here, and I’m afraid there’s no room for the likes of you. If you want to see us, you’ll just have to wait your turn like everyone else. I mean, after these people have gone to all the trouble to spend some time with us, we couldn’t just throw them out the window and watch them go splat on the cement below, could we? But don’t worry; you’ll get your turn when
it comes.”

K’s cryptic words mystified Detective Hole. The pattern of the three’s actions had made the detective suspect that these women not only were degenerate, but were also mentally deranged. Speaking to Coito only seemed to confirm his suspicion. On the other hand, perhaps she was pretending, purposely acting illogically so she could plead insanity to a liberal jury and get off scot free. The heart of an atheist has no qualms about lying, Detective Hole thought
to himself.

“Miss Gott…”

“Ms. Gott,”
corrected K.

“Miss Gott, I’m not sure what you are talking about, but if it is anything to do with your crimes and degenerate depravities, we have no intention of joining you. We are not here to talk about your personal life. We are here to take you into custody. As you can see from the windows, the Washington Monument has been surrounded by officers of the law. There is no means of escape. Your days of criminal activity are over with, Miss Gott.” Detective Hole glanced at Captain Edwards and the two FBI men who were following
the conversation.

“How’d you find out we were here, anyway?” asked Coito, hoping to delay Detective Hole while she thought of what to do, what to say. She motioned to Mr. Yansky to come over to where she was standing and instructed him to start kneading her breasts. She hoped this would give her the inspiration
she needed.

“A young man reported to us that you three had been seen visiting the National Gallery of Art this afternoon. When you three left there, he followed you to the Washington Monument. When you three did not come out, he called us.”
Little snitch,
thought Coito. “We then surrounded the building to make sure that you three would be captured. The young man also mentioned that an elderly couple was with you while he was following you three, but says that they later left in a cab. We presume that the elderly couple was
the Rams.”

“Sure, but I’m not going to tell you where they’re at.” The others in the Washington Monument were trying to discern from the conversation what they could. Mr. Yansky was still giving Coito inspiration with his
calefacient caresses.

“Ask him if it’s true virgins have less fun,”
suggested Regina.

“Furthermore, he informed us that some of the people who work inside did not come out, but appeared to have locked themselves inside the Washington Monument. We hope they are doing fine,” he said, trying to learn something about the hostages. One of the FBI men nodded in approval to Detective Hole at his handling of
the matter.

“Oh, yes, in fact, they are rather enjoying themselves up here, if I may make an understatement,”
K conceded.

“All four
of them?”

“All three of
them, nosey.”

“Since the building has been surrounded and you cannot escape, it would be best for your own sakes as well as your hostages’ if you were to surrender,” said Detective Hole, hoping to convince the three atheists of the only logical action on their part. “I can assure you that any help you can provide us now will be remembered in the future. Your cooperation will work to your advantage after you are taken
into custody.”

“K, ask him if he’s ever swiven in a swivel chair,”
interrupted Regina.

“You sure are taking this whole thing seriously, Schmuck Hole,” said Coito, stalling
for time.

The detective was taken aback at this response. He had laid his cards on the table, and she was still playing games with him. What more could he do? “Breaking the law is a serious matter, my dear,” he
instructed her.

“I hate to disappoint your legalistic mind, Herr Hole, but everyone is staying here of their own free will. If they wish to leave, they can, but I don’t think they want to.” Despite a dedicated effort from Mr. Yansky, Coito was still trying to figure out how to get rid of Detective Hole so they could have their orgy. She felt, however, that inspiration
was coming.

No, Detective Hole thought, this would not be an easy negotiating process. He would have to take a tougher stand. “Be that as it may,” Detective Hole began, “The Rams were discovered missing from the True Love Mortuary a week ago. We presume they have been forced to stay with you or someone else since they were kidnapped from their home in eastern Kentucky. I can think of no other reason why they would suddenly leave the home where they had lived for over thirty years to join a gang of Catholic criminals.” One of the FBI men gave a disapproving glance to Detective Hole.

“We would greatly appreciate it if you could tell us the names of the other
tourists who…”

“None of our guests up here are tourists, so
guess again.”

“You’ll have to come and get me, copper,” Regina
yelled out.

“Then the three hostages are all National
Parks employees?”