The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (95 page)

Still, it probably couldn’t wait. If what we heard was correct, the negotiations were close to being complete. If we didn’t act now, then Francois’s fiendish plans (
whatever they were
) would be set in stone. Once a treaty was signed, the only way to undo it would be an act of war. The vampires weren’t going to risk that...hell,
I
wasn’t going to risk it. On the flipside, if a treaty were signed that essentially fucked us up the ass, that wouldn’t be particularly wonderful either...especially since I had a feeling I’d somehow wind up getting blamed for it. Asshole vampires and their need for scapegoats!

Tom was still out being unzombified (
and yes, it was still funny
), and this time Ed wasn’t about to be dissuaded from coming along, so we all turned in early...or late...the whole nocturnal schedule thing still had me screwed up (
stupid Canadians with their idiotic short days
). The plan was to wake up during the daylight hours and sneak out again. Hopefully, Nergui wouldn’t give us any crap about it. I’m not sure the excuse we used the day before would work with Ed around...although I guess we could always claim that we were bringing him along as a picnic lunch. Yeah, that might work.

Part one of the plan went...well, as planned. We rose just before the sun came up, dressed for the day, and prepared to head out. As a precaution, we left a note for Tom, in case Christy ever finished zapping him. It was purposely vague to be safe, but it would hopefully clue him in, although that was sometimes a tall order with him.

Unfortunately, as with most plans I make, part one was as far as we got before fate stepped in and took a great big steaming dump all over it.

Thus, when we finally stepped outside, it was only to be met by a trio of...ninjas?

* * *

I was just beginning to wonder when I had stepped out of reality and into a
Sho Kosugi
film, when realization hit. They (
probably
) weren’t real ninjas, just vamps dressed that way for daylight operations.

When they saw us emerge, they formed up ranks, blocking our way.

“Um, excuse me, guys. I need to get past,” I stammered. The good one-liners are never there when you need them.

“I am afraid that is impossible, Freewill,” one of them replied in a French accent. “Our orders are specific.”

“Orders?”

“We are to keep you
safe
. It is rumored that there was an intruder seen in ze’ Sasquatch encampment. We wouldn’t want to put your life at risk at ze’ hands of those scoundrels.” Frenchy’s smarmy tone suggested no such thing. I should have figured Francois would have heard about our snooping and done something like this.

“Thanks, but I think we’re good. I already have a bodyguard,” I replied. Unfortunately, a quick glance beyond them confirmed that Nergui was nowhere in sight. Oh, crap.

“I am afraid that Monsieur Nergui has been called away on other ‘business,’” came the response in that same irritatingly smug tone.

“Oh, enough of this shit,” Sally said, stepping in front of me. “You have no idea who you’re speaking to. If I were you assholes, I’d get out of the way before...” *
ZAP
*

There was a crackle of electricity and she went down like a ton of bricks. Ed and I were by her side immediately. I looked up from her still twitching form to see that one of the pseudo-ninjas was holding a cattle prod. A thin trail of smoke rose from it.

“Oops,” he chuckled.

“I’ll give you an ‘oops,’ asshole,” Ed barked. He ran back into the hut, reappearing a second later, shotgun in hand.

“Hold it!” I quickly said. Gripping Sally with one arm, I got back to my feet, then stepped between him and our black-clad ‘friends.’ “Let’s all relax here before someone gets hurt.”

“Someone already got hurt,” Sally growled, already shaking off the effects of being tased.

“You know what I mean.” Still keeping a firm hold on her (
and only barely noticing that my arm just so happened to be wrapped around her breasts...they were firm yet soft at the same time...err, anyway
), I stepped back into the hut, motioning for Ed to follow.

Only once we were back inside, did I release her. She immediately rounded on me, black eyes, fangs and all. I instinctively took a step back. Tiny or not, Sally was not on the list of people I wanted to tangle with.

“We could’ve taken those...”

“Shhh!” I hissed at her. Then in a much lower voice, “Don’t forget they can probably hear us.”

“I don’t care,” she said. “I’m getting my gun.”

“I’m with Sally,” whispered Ed. “Three on three, and us with the boom-sticks...I kind of like those odds.”

“I don’t care about the odds,” I replied, half-amazed to be the lone voice of reason. “But if you two open fire like this is the fucking O.K. corral, every vamp, wizard, monster, and blob in the area is going to hear. Think about it. Even if James shows up, he’s going to have a hard time convincing everyone that we haven’t gone nuts. Best case: they kick us out of here and Francois wins. Worst case: they kill our asses...”

“And Francois still wins,” Ed finished for me, lowering his gun. “I hear you. So what then? We just sit here and act like good little prisoners?”

I shook my head. “No, we can’t afford to do that. I think we should wait them out for a while, give them a false sense of security, and then try sneaking out the back.”

“There is no back.”

“This place is made of shit-covered twigs. We’ll
make
a back.”

“Or,” Sally said, walking past us, “we just kill these fucks quietly. That’d work too.” She went over to the table and ripped one of the legs off. She turned back toward the entrance, makeshift stake in hand.

I quickly stepped in front of her. “You need to relax.”

“No, I really don’t. I have a rule about anybody who puts a couple thousand volts through me.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” I commented. “But acting hasty isn’t going to help, especially since I’m pretty sure Francois didn’t just put a couple of schlubs out there to babysit us. I’d be willing to bet that those guys know what they’re doing.”

“Yeah, Bill’s right,” Ed said. “Getting our asses kicked by a bunch of frogs would be kind of embarrassing.”

* * *

We spent the next ten minutes arguing back and forth. Unfortunately, as tends to happen with our bickering, at times we got loud enough so that I’m sure the guards outside were more than aware of every single plan we came up with. The dickheads were probably snickering to themselves, in French no less.

I will admit that thought did make me wonder whether Sally’s plan had some merit after all. Back in college, during my freshman year, the third floor of my dorm was reserved for international students. Let me tell you, there is definitely a secret to uniting people of all races, creeds, and religions...just add some French assholes to the mix. It didn’t matter where they came from or what they believed: Muslim, Jew or Hindu; Chinese, Japanese or Korean; black, white or mixed, they could all agree on one thing, everyone hated the French students. My god, what a bunch of smug, cliquish douchebags.

I was still caught up in this reverie when I heard a noise from the entrance. The three us of turned to see a flash of light. There was a quick grunt of surprise and then two more flashes followed. I may not be the most experienced vamp, but I had seen more than my fair share of dustings to know one. I had little doubt that there were now three smarmy piles of ash lying in front of our tent.

Before we could step out to investigate, the “who” part of the equation was answered for us. A figure stepped inside. Though covered up against the sun, the mismatched eyes were a dead giveaway.

“Well, what are you all waiting for?” he asked.

“Alex?”

“Obviously,” he answered, pulling off his hood.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m pretty sure he just...”

“I know
what
he did, Sally. Now’s not the time.”

Alex ignored our little back and forth. “Indeed. The time for subtlety is over. Francois’s plans are nearing fruition. The First are counting on you, Freewill. Fulfill your destiny.”

Okay, that was a little heavy. Still, I guess he had a point. The fate of vampire-kind, heck potentially the entire world, was in the balance. I’d hate to go down in history as the dude who fucked it all up.

“And that involves what exactly?” Ed asked.

“Whatever you were planning on doing, human. I have simply removed the obstacles in your path. We do not have time to play Francois’s games any longer. Unfortunately, this place is swarming with those loyal to him. They will not take kindly to the disposal of their comrades, so you need to get moving
now
.”

And just like that our original plan was back on. That was convenient. It was nice having my own personal
deus ex machina
. I could definitely use one of those in my day to day life. Hmm, wonder if Alex would be available for hire after this whole debacle was done with. I mean if I pulled this off, then working for the legendary Freewill might be just as prestigious as working for the Draculas - with the added perk that I’m not nearly as big of an asshole.

“Are you just going to stand there daydreaming?” he asked, snapping me out of my self-important delusion.

“Sorry. Yeah, let’s get going.”

Ed still had his shotgun and this time there was no argument from me when Sally grabbed her own sidearm. That being done, I motioned for them all to follow me. Alex hesitated, though. What a surprise.

“Let me guess, you have other business to attend to?” I sighed.

“Sadly, yes. I am still gathering my own evidence. We will get more done if we split up.”

Ah yes, spoken just like the victims from any of a hundred different horror movies. Oh, well, it’s not as if he was part of my original plan anyway.

“Fine,” I replied. “Good luck.”

“To you as well. May the luck of the First smile upon thee.”

Yeah...okay. Personally, I’d rather they didn’t. It seems that the luck of the Draculas brings with it a flood of unwanted crap, much like giving your phone number to a telemarketer.

We all stepped out of the hut. Alex immediately took off, heading...err...left (
like I said, it’s not like I carry a compass
). Within seconds, he was gone.

“Well, that was a little weird,” Ed commented.

“There’s a vamp after my own heart,” Sally replied, kicking one of the mounds of vampire dust. “Everyone packing?”

Ed and Sally both had their guns. That left me. Thinking fast, I reached into one of the ash piles and plucked out a cattle prod. “I am now. Let’s go before anyone else shows up to rain on our parade.”

* * *

As before, I let Sally take the lead. Her nose was better attuned than mine. I could smell Bigfoot stink all around us, but she could pinpoint the direction from whence it originated. Even without Grulg to show us the way, I had little doubt we’d come across Sasquatch central soon enough. The only question was whether we could do so unseen. Considering that we were armed, I doubted they’d believe we were just out for a morning stroll. People (
and other things
) are funny that way.

Fortunately, luck was on our side...well okay, it probably wasn’t. I imagined that luck was probably waiting for just the right moment to deliver a massive kick to our teeth. What can I say, my almost-year of being a vampire had made me just a wee bit cynical about these things.

Eventually we came across a fairly well-traveled trail. The number of oversized footprints leading both ways confirmed that we were on the right track. We followed it, trying to look as non-suspicious as possible - and probably failing at it.

As we got closer and still didn’t see any sign of Turd’s people, my confidence in our plan grew. This time yesterday, the Sasquatch tribe had been mostly asleep. Considering the “big news” that was being bandied about for the conference, I was hedging my bets that the majority of Turd’s followers would either be resting up for tonight’s festivities or off preparing for it. Of course, if we wound up being wrong...well that would be bad.

* * *

“It smells worse than the time Tom and I went to that all-you-can-eat Mexican buffet,” Ed commented.

I had noticed it too. The Sasquatch village was just up ahead. We decided to chance leaving the trail to perform a little reconnaissance. If things looked too hairy (
hah, I kill me
), we’d bug out, hopefully without being caught.

“There,” Sally whispered. Sure enough, I could see crude huts ahead. All looked quiet. So far, so good.

We found a patch of dense bushes that offered both concealment as well as a good view. We hunkered down and proceeded to watch.

For several minutes, there was little of interest to see. I soon grew bored. I have no idea how cops on stakeout do it. I’d be there for five minutes, see nothing and then radio in, “Looks like he’s innocent,” before driving off to find a donut shop.

I was just about to suggest we either find a new vantage point or start moving in to investigate, when Sally grabbed my arm and pointed.

“What?” I whispered. “It’s just a hut.”

“Watch and learn, stupid.”

“Fine, but I don’t see...holy shit!”

“Pay dirt,” echoed Ed.

On the far side of the village, about a hundred yards away, was an oversized, but otherwise unremarkable, hut. I figured it for maybe barracks or a meeting hall, nothing really interesting. However, there was one decisively odd thing...namely the vampire stepping out of it. It was Francois. He was dressed as dapper as ever, holding an umbrella to shield himself from the sun. He looked like a prissy little fuck. If he was a mega-douche, though, he was still dwarfed by the giant shit that followed him...a shit named Turd.