The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (90 page)

“And asshole Nazi vampires, let’s not forget them.”

* * *

Aside from our immortality and preference for blood, there is one thing that all vampires, regardless of age or social status, share: our wardrobes are full of hooded clothing. It’s kind of a necessity for those times when one must brave the unforgiving light of the sun. It might make us look like weirdos, especially in warm weather, but it beat the hell out of turning to dust. In dense forest, such as we were in, there was much less chance of that happening, but better safe than sorry.

I pulled a bottle of high-grade sunscreen from my luggage and liberally slathered it on. Sure, it made me smell like a rancid palm tree, but that wasn’t a bad thing considering the lack of shower facilities. I covered up all exposed skin, then tossed on a ski-mask for good measure.

“Are you going to spy on them or rob a bank?” Sally asked, stepping out of from behind the curtain. She was similarly, if somewhat more garishly, covered up.

“Well at least you don’t have to worry about being shot by hunters,” I replied, smirking at the bright pink hoodie she was now wearing. “You do realize they’ll see you coming from a mile off, right?”

“That’s kind of the point. If they catch us, which I give a pretty high chance of happening, I can just claim I was out exploring. Nobody in their right mind would be doing any sort of espionage dressed in this thing. You, on the other hand, look like you’re about to take hostages.”

“
Touché
,” I replied. “Now let’s get going before the rest of the crew wakes up.”

“Hold on, I want to get my gun.”

“I thought you told Ed that bullets wouldn’t work.”

“Doesn’t mean they won’t hurt like hell. If I’m going down, I’m making sure every ape in the area gets a fifty-caliber kick to the groin.”

I winced. “Thanks for the imagery, but I really think you should leave it. That story about being out exploring will sound a lot more plausible if you’re not packing enough firepower to take over a small country.”

She considered it for a moment, then grudgingly nodded. I just hoped it wasn’t a decision we’d both live to regret.

* * *

We stepped outside to the rapidly brightening day. Amazingly enough, Nergui still stood guard - albeit he was now positioned under the shade of a large tree. He saw me and, despite my outfit, snapped to attention. Vampires as old as him are hard to fool, their senses being far closer to a comic book character like Wolverine. He started to step forward, but I held up a hand.

“I need you to stay here, Nergui. Protect my friends inside. Also, don’t let them wander very far.”

“My duty is to you, Freewill,” he predictably said.

“You saw what Bill did yesterday, right?” Sally asked. He nodded in response. “He’s been mastering his powers. I think we’ll be all right.”

Nergui appeared to consider this, but still moved to join us.

“My friends need your protection more,” I protested.

Finally, Sally sighed. I couldn’t see behind the sunglasses she now wore, but I was sure there was an eye-roll going on. She stepped close, putting one arm seductively around me.

“My coven master and I wish to be
alone
,” she purred.

For just a split second, a knowing look came over Nergui’s face. He smiled ever so subtly and stepped back to his spot.

Smart. During her little adventure in New York, Gan had been convinced that Sally was my concubine (
or whore as she put it
). Doubtless, she had filled Nergui in on this. Sally was using that knowledge to make him stay put and keep an eye on my roommates, as well as stay out of our hair. There was also the added benefit that if Francois managed to compel Nergui, he wouldn’t get anything useful out of him.

That fact that her tone and gestures were also giving me a little morning wood in the Woods of Mourning, well that was just a nice bonus.

Nergui taken care of, we continued on our way. Once we had gotten far enough that he couldn’t eavesdrop, she said flatly, “Say a word and die.”

I didn’t need to be told twice.

* * *

Keeping off the trails that ran through the area, we bypassed several encampments. There was no point in giving ourselves away. Though it appeared some of the other creatures present were likewise photosensitive, few of them were dressed in modern attire. While they might not be able to identify us, it would be pretty obvious to any beings who saw us that we were vampires.

As we walked, a thought hit me. I had no idea where the fuck we were going. I started to say something, but Sally, apparently reading my mind, answered my unspoken question.

“Their scent is strongest this way,” she said. Her voice then took on a more condescending tone. “Aren’t you glad I insisted on coming?”

I mumbled something inaudible in response.

“I thought so,” she replied glibly. “You really do suck at this, don’t you?”

“Sorry. I didn’t exactly go to ninja school you know.”

“I mean the whole vampire thing in general.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not even on a dare.”

“Sorry, I forgot you save that privilege for guys who stick a five spot in your g-string.”

“Speaking of which, how are things going with that girl you like? Have you started paying her to be seen with you yet?”

Ooh! That was a low blow.

“Listen you gold bricking, poorly coifed, bitch of a...UMPH!” Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to finish my cleverly scathing comeback as a huge hairy hand came out of nowhere and covered my face.

“
Tlunta make lot of noise,
” a voice growled in my ear. Oh, fuck!

I grabbed the large fingers and managed to pry them off my head. Damn, that was a lot harder when I didn’t have super vampire blood coursing through my system. The hand released me, and I jumped back taking a defensive posture (
or what might have passed for one in a kung-fu movie
).

As I stood there preparing for an attack, Sally simply said, “Hey, Grulg. Where have you been? I didn’t see you there yesterday.”

“You didn’t?” I asked. I hadn’t even noticed. Not to sound like a racist asshole, but all of these things looked the same to me. I wouldn’t have been able to pick Grulg out of a lineup with a half dozen of his buddies.

“Yeah,” she replied. “Wasn’t it obvious?” She left unspoken the part about it being obvious to non-pathetic vampires, but believe me it was implied.

“
No speak here. You follow
,” Grulg replied, then turned and loped off into the woods.

Sally looked at me, shrugged, and then took off after him.

Knowing that no matter what choice I made, I’d probably end up regretting it, I did likewise.

Grulg took a path perpendicular to the one we had followed. If anything, he seemed to be leading us into even deeper woods. Soon, the shadows thickened as the canopy above us grew denser. Within a short while, our coverings became unnecessary even though it was the middle of the Canadian day.

Finally Grulg stopped. We were in a clearing, but the surrounding trees all leaned inward providing the place with a perpetual twilight feel.

“
Secret place
,” Grulg gestured around him. “
Only Grulg know.
” I was tempted to point out to our grammatically challenged guide that it wasn’t exactly a secret anymore, but I didn’t exactly think that would endear him to me.

“So what’s this about, Grulg?” I asked.

He stood up straight as he answered. Both Sally and I had to crane our necks to look him in the eye. “
Grulg honorable warrior. Live with honor. Fight with honor. Kill with honor.
”

I tried (
and failed
) to suppress a gulp at that last part. Maybe Grulg had led us all the way out there to avenge his leader. Even with Sally there backing me up, I wasn’t too sure on our odds if such was the case.

“No one is saying otherwise, Grulg,” Sally said in a soothing voice.

“
Grulg know that, she-Tlunta.
”

I snickered at that, and she shot me a glare.

“
Grulg proud and loyal
,” he continued, ignoring our idiocy. “
If peace come, then Grulg honor peace. If war come, then Grulg crush his enemies until Grulg win or Grulg killed
.”

“Nobody wants that last part,” I said.

Grulg growled at me, “
Stupid Tlunta not understand
(
Great, now I was being insulted by a giant shit-flinging monkey
).
Grulg not care. Grulg do as told. War, peace, it all same to Grulg. But this...this not honorable.
”

“What isn’t?” I asked.

He growled again, then walked over and backhanded a small tree, shattering it. I backed up a step, wondering if this was going to get messy. Sally didn’t seem overly perturbed, though. She was one stone cold, ice queen.

“You can tell us, Grulg,” she said. “It’s okay.”

That seemed to calm Grulg down. Chalk one up to the whole beauty and the beast concept. Forget music, Sally's marvelous rack could apparently sooth the savage beast.

“
Turd
,” spat Grulg. “
He no act with honor
.”

Aha. Now we were getting somewhere. James had said that Turd’s behavior was out of sorts. Now one of his own followers was ratting him out. Considering theirs was a caste-based society, it said something for Grulg actually to be speaking out against his superiors.

“Let me guess,” I surmised. “This has to do with setting me up to take a beating yesterday.”

Grulg gave a look that suggested his opinion of me was slipping several notches, and then actually chuckled. “
No, Tlunta. Leaders should be able to fight. Also, Turd not give you beating. I was told that you give him one.
”

“Okay then,” I sighed. “But what about the whole setting me up part, doesn’t that strike you as a bit treacherous?”

This time he leaned back his head and full out laughed. He sounded like a broken garbage disposal.

“Way to make an impression, Bill,” Sally whispered out of the side of her mouth. Bitch!

Finally Grulg’s laughter subsided. “
Funny Tlunta. Strength, speed, intelligence...all these things make good leader. Treachery just mean he smarter.
”

“Well, good. Now that we’ve established Turd’s credentials as a fucking genius...”

Sally interrupted my tirade. “Grulg, what the Freewill is
trying
to ask, is what about Turd’s behavior is dishonorable?”

He nodded at her. “
Grulg show you. Tlunta follow again
.”

“We already followed you,” I protested.

“
Grulg lead you away because you no stop chattering. Sound like...what you call them...squirrels
.”

Thus admonished by a giant talking gorilla, we put our respective coverings back on and once more followed
Mighty Joe Young
through the forest.

* * *

“You want me to
what
?” Sally asked.

“
Jump in
,” Grulg repeated.

“Why?”

“
Cover scent. Grulg’s tribe not smell you.
”

“Oh, Jesus Christ,” I said, pushing my way past her. “Stop being such a fucking princess.” I wasn’t too big on this plan either, but I could tolerate getting a little dirty if it would help us gain some leverage over Turd.

I jumped into the pungent smelling pit and began rolling around to coat myself. When I was done, I got out and walked over to her.

“See? Was that so bad? A little mud won’t kill you.”

Sally gave me a look that was practically overflowing with pity. “That’s not mud, moron.”

“It’s not?”

“No, stupid.”

“
Tlunta smell good now
,” Grulg commented. “
Now she-Tlunta turn.
”

“No fucking...” but she didn’t get a chance to finish. I shoved her in, mid-complaint. I took enough of her shit as it was. It was finally her turn.

* * *

After managing to convince Sally to not kill me (
which we shall not recount here as it was both long and painful
), Grulg led us back in the direction of his tribe. Soon, we could see more crude huts through the trees; however, I didn’t see any Sasquatches wandering amongst them.

“
Others sleep, now. This way
,” Grulg whispered, leading us toward one end of the makeshift village.

At the far end was a hut several times larger than the others. Skulls lined a crude walkway leading up to it. Grulg didn’t need to tell me this was Turd’s place. No matter the people or the culture, there were always those who had to flaunt their swag. Grulg took us on a roundabout way toward the rear of the hut, keeping us out of sight from the rest of the village.

Once at the back, he lowered his voice so that we could barely hear it. “
Turd inside recovering from battle. Stay quiet.
”

Typically, when someone tells me there’s a turd waiting for me somewhere, I’m not too enthusiastic about going, but since the fate of the world was potentially resting on this...

Grulg reached over to the wall and pulled up a loose section of leaves. It made an opening just big enough for Sally and me to fit through. I gave her a shrug, then made my way inside, hoping against hope that I would make it back out again in one piece.

* * *

Ugh! And I thought
we
smelled bad. Forget a few air fresheners; this place would require a tanker truck full of Lysol before it smelled anywhere close to habitable. We emerged in a pantry of sorts. Crude shelves filled with wooden bowls lined the walls. I didn’t bother to look in any of them. I was pretty sure whatever they were filled with was still moving. I motioned for Sally to follow, and, staying low, I crept forward in the dark.