The Tome of Bill Compendium Vol. 1 (Books 1-4) (94 page)

What the fuck? He thought I was going to tell him about how I banged Sally in the woods? Don’t get me wrong. I was flattered that he thought I had a shot with her. Not that I wouldn’t have a shot. It’s just...

That wasn’t the case, though. I looked into his eyes and noticed him quickly glance over my shoulder. Not wanting to turn around and be entirely obvious, I listened. For a moment, there was nothing, but then I heard just the faintest crunch of leaves. I could have easily missed it had I still been yammering. Oh, yeah, the hills definitely had eyes.

“Your loss, but let me tell you...the things she can do with her legs, woo!” I shot back, maybe a tad over dramatically. Sorry, but I’ve never been good at this espionage shit.

He let out the barest of sighs. I had little doubt his opinion of me dropped a notch every time we spoke. “Yes...well for now at least, you’ll have to keep your adventures to yourself and your friends,” he replied, dropping a hint that even I was able to pick up on.

In other words, I was on my own. What a surprise.

I had just gotten back to my hut, still considering whether Sally and I might need to conduct some more “dalliances” as James put it, when I heard a cry from inside.

“Ow! You bit me!”

That wasn’t exactly a confidence builder, especially when surrounded by vampires. I immediately rushed in, hoping that one of the neighboring vamps hadn’t decided to snack on my roomies.

At first, I didn’t see anyone. Then I heard the voice again, coming from behind Sally’s curtain.

“You need to watch the teeth.” It was Ed.

“Sorry, got carried away a little,” a snarky female voice replied from the same location. Motherfucker!

“Get a room, you two!” I loudly announced, stomping over to my luggage for some clean clothes.

Ed immediately came running out. Fortunately for my sanity, he was still fully clothed. He did have one hand on the side of his neck, however.

“Oh, hey Bill,” he said, a little flustered - a rare thing for Ed. “We were just...”

“I believe the phrase you meant to say,” Sally said, also stepping out, “is that it’s none of his fucking business.” There was a slight smudge of blood on her bottom lip.

I glared at them for a second, until he replied, “Yeah, I guess she is kind of right.”

“Men are such pussies,” she commented with mock disgust.

Ignoring the hundreds of things I wanted to say, I instead opted for the practical. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah. Nothing a Band-Aid won’t fix,” Ed replied, taking a seat at the table.

I turned to Sally. “I thought I was pretty specific on that whole no snacking on my roommates thing.”

“Oh, please. It was just a playful little nip.”

I was about to make another snide comment when a thought hit me. “He’s going to be okay, right?”

“What do you mean?” Ed asked, getting a bit wide-eyed.

“Social diseases aside,” I continued, still facing her. “He isn’t going to...you know...turn is he?”

“Oh, shit, I forgot about that,” he said.

“Relax, stud,” Sally replied. “You’re fine. I’m not exactly a newb here.”

“Well, that’s good. Not that I wouldn’t make a better vamp than Bill.”

“I wouldn’t argue that,” she said.

“You both can go fuck yourselves...
separately
. Where’s Tom?”

“He went off with Christy after the meeting ended.”

“Figures,” I replied. “James brought me up to speed on what happened. How about you, did you tell Sally or was your tongue too busy...”

“Yes, I told her what happened,” he said, cutting me off. “Although, speaking of that,
thanks
for sneaking out earlier. When we saw you gone, Tom and I thought maybe Turd had dragged you both off. We were going to try to find you, but then we learned you had left Nergui behind as our guard dog.”

“I already said I was sorry,” Sally purred. “Besides, didn’t I just make it up to you?”

“Does anyone have a stake handy, because I suddenly feel the need to impale myself on one?”

“Get over it, Bill,” she sighed.

I took a deep breath and counted to ten. She was right. Getting all pissy about one of my best friends hooking up with a confirmed mass murderer could wait until we got back to Brooklyn. For now, we had bigger fish to fry. Though the possibility of all-out war appeared to be less likely, we needed to find out what Francois was up to and stop him before he handed Turd any more concessions on a silver platter.

“Fine,” I said, getting my emotions under control. “I will, as long as you two keep it in your pants for now.”

“We were just letting off a little steam,” Sally sniffed.

“Then you should have packed a dildo,” I replied.

“Well...”

“Too much information, Sally,” I snarled, before turning to Ed and saying, “No comments from the peanut gallery.”

He mimed zipping his lips, although he couldn’t quite keep the smirk off his face. Christ! And people complained that I acted immature. This was not the time for such infantile...oh, fuck it!

Who was I kidding? Like images of Sally and her battery-operated friend weren’t running rampant through my mind. My track record with women has never been great to begin with. Thoughts like that can definitely help a guy get through a dry spell, if you know what I mean.

Still, in times of crisis one must be able to keep one’s priorities straight. At that moment, figuring out what Turd and Francois were up to was at the top of that list. Jerking off to thoughts of Sally...well, that could be tabled for a later time (
and believe me, it would
).

Changing topics, I asked, “Sally, did you bring him up to speed on our little adventure - assuming you weren’t otherwise occupied?”

“Relax. She did,” Ed said.

“Including how she and I took a bath in Sasquatch shit?”

His look told me she had left out that little detail.

“And I bet she didn’t even brush her teeth before kissing you.” Oh, yeah, we were supposed to be getting back to business. I quickly added, “But enough of that, what do you two think about this mess?”

“Even a moron could see that they’re up to something,” Sally said, ignoring my comment. “I just don’t see what sense it makes.”

“Maybe Turd’s forces are even stronger than we thought,” Ed surmised. “It’s possible that Francois knows it and is doing his best to placate them.”

“Sounds a little weak to me,” she said. “Think about it. If I had an army at my command - one that I was just itching to unleash upon Canada - it would take a lot more than an MP3 player and an offer of respect to keep me from turning this place into the killing fields.”

“I don’t know. Ed might be on to something,” I replied. “Why else would Turd make such a show about what was otherwise a minor offense? He could have been trying to force Francois’s hand.”

“Yeah, and maybe Francois has been offering more to him under the table,” Ed added.

Sally shook her head. “Then why kill the Draculas’ negotiators? He could have just told them what was going on and made them aware of the threat. Also, there’s Francois himself. Every time we’ve seen him, he’s been a smug little prick. The only time he lost his composure was when Bill kicked Turd’s ass, and even then he didn’t look worried, just pissed.”

As usual, she had a point. Francois didn’t act like someone who was desperate. If anything, he seemed far more like a puppet master. The only question was, whose strings was he pulling and why?

Before we could continue any further with that train of thought, Tom entered the hut with Christy in tow. Sally shot quick warning glances to us as they came in. Tom wasn’t the issue. I had known him since Kindergarten and he knew more than his fair share of embarrassing shit about me. Christy was a different story, though. I was fairly sure that, regardless of her good intentions as of late, she still had a long way to go before we were going to let her join our inner circle.

“Hey, Bill,” Tom said as way of greeting. “Glad to see you’re still alive after you left us high and dry.”

“Sorry,” I said. “Places to be, monsters to see. You know the drill.”

“Really?” he replied, taking a seat at the table next to Ed and pulling one of the bowls over. “Out in the woods, five hundred miles from nowhere and suddenly you have a social life?”

“Be nice, Tom,” chided Christy, once again unexpectedly coming to my rescue. “I think there’s enough going on here to keep us all busy.”

“If you say so, hon,” he replied, scooping a handful out of the bowl and beginning to munch on it.

Before this trip began, I wouldn’t have considered asking Christy for directions to my own bathroom for fear that she’d fireball my ass the second I turned my back. However, adversity makes strange bedfellows...not that I’m into Tom’s sloppy seconds or anything.

“What’s going on over at your end of things?” I asked her.

She appeared to mull it over for a moment before replying, “It’s a little strange. Two days ago the Forest Folk were trying to rally us to their cause due to Ed’s...you know.”

“Fertilizing their garden?” I offered.

“Yeah, that’ll work. They even asked us to call up our master to discuss it with him.”

I frowned at the thought of Harry Decker getting involved. I doubt he’d need much convincing to act against me. “Good thing there’s no cell reception out here,” I commented.

“It was via magic mirror.”

“Lovely.”

“But that’s just the thing. They were beating the wars drums when yesterday it suddenly all changed.”

“How so?” Sally asked.

“Before today’s session, we started hearing that peace was looking more likely.”

“Really?”

“Yes. We all thought it odd, especially considering what happened between Bill and their leader.”

“Yeah, you totally rocked Turd’s ass,” Tom said.

“I really don’t want anything to do with Turd’s ass, thank you very much,” I replied. “Go on, Christy.”

“Well, I’m sure they told you that today’s mood was very positive all around.” I nodded at that and she continued. “Just a little while ago, I started hearing rumors that the treaty was almost hashed out. There’s supposed to be some sort of announcement tomorrow.”

“WHAT?” Sally and I both shouted.

“Christy’s right,” Tom replied, still crunching away. “I heard them say it too. Still freaks me out, hearing those things talk. Gives me
Planet of the Apes
douche-chills.”

‘Well, I guess that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” I asked, giving both Ed and Sally a meaningful glance.

Christy, unlike Tom, though, wasn’t oblivious to these things. “What am I missing?” she asked.

Crap! I really needed to learn the fine art of subtlety. Now I had a choice. I could stonewall her, which would probably be for the best, but would completely erase any goodwill we had built up. Or, I could spill my guts and try to hope she kept her mouth shut.

“Dude, what the fuck are you eating?”

Or, I could rely on a convenient save.

I turned toward the sound of Ed’s voice.

“What? It’s just that trail mix shit they keep giving us,” Tom replied.

“Does this look like trail mix to you?” Ed asked, holding out the bowl. It was full of grubs.

“Gross!” I cried out.

“What the fuck!?” Tom yelled, nearly falling out of his chair.

Ed sighed, “I was afraid something like this might happen.”

Christy stepped over to her boyfriend’s side. “Something like this? What are you talking about?”

“Tom didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Before we came up here, we stopped off at vampire HQ in Boston and...” Ed trailed off.

“
And what?
” she demanded.

“Tom got bitten by a zombie.”

“What!? Tom, why didn’t you tell me?”

Tom, looking a little green around the gills, replied, “I kind of forgot.”

“Oh, this is not good.”

“I feel fine,” he added.

“That,” she indicated the bowl of bugs still in Ed’s hand, “is
not
fine. One of you should have said something,” she cried. All three of us males gave her sheepish grins back. Sally gave a casual shrug, as if to say she could have cared less (
which probably wasn’t far from the truth
).

Christy grabbed Tom’s hand and dragged him to his feet.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“You’re coming with me,” she replied, sounding close to panic. “We can fix this. I know cleansing rituals. We’ll perform them all night if need be.” She began dragging him toward the door.

“But I feel...”

However, Christy was not to be dissuaded. She looked him straight in the eye and said, her voice indicating she was not taking no for an answer, “I will make this better, I promise...even if I have to
burn
that creature out of you.”

With one last look back at us, his face now mirroring the panic on Christy’s, Tom disappeared through the door of the hut.

For a moment, silence reigned in the room. Then Ed leaned back in his chair and casually asked, “Can we get back to discussing the issue at hand now?”

“Harsh, man,” I replied. “Aren’t you worried about Tom?”

“Not particularly,” he replied with a grin.

“Why not?”

To my surprise, Sally answered for him. “It’s because he swapped bowls while everyone was listening to Sabrina there.”

“You saw that?” he asked, impressed.

“Out of the corner of my eye.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because I figured you probably weren’t ready to spill your guts to Christy quite yet...”

“True.”

“And also because it’s fun to fuck with Tom.”

Bemused grins broke out amongst us. It soon became laughter. After the week we had been having, we all needed it. Poor Tom.

We decided that another mid-day expedition was in order. Considering our near miss the previous day, I originally assumed Turd would have his whole tribe up in arms about spies. After Christy’s news; however, I thought that less likely. If there was a big announcement planned, they would hopefully be otherwise occupied. It was a big risk either way.