The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke (15 page)

“Okay, okay give me a minute!” I shout.

She is so impatient with me now but when she is the one taking her time she expects me to wait quietly.

I tie back my hair and check out my outfit in the mirror. “Are you sure this blouse doesn’t make me look like a Muppet?” I shout loud enough for Amber, who is waiting downstairs, to hear me. “I feel like its exposing too much of the brace!”

“April, its fine! Now let’s go!” Amber demands.

“Ugh!” I smooth out the wrinkles on my jeans before heading downstairs to stop Amber from pacing a hole in the floor of the foyer.

“Finally!” Amber says stomping her foot.

“Oh lord Amber, lighten up it’s one of Erik’s stupid parties,” I say and roll my eyes. “A bunch of drunken idiots running around, cursing, fighting, pissing everywhere and making out. Then, Liza and Jeremy will get into a fight and he’ll speed off in that shit brown car of his and that will signal the end of the party.”

Amber tosses me a thin shirt to bring along and heads for the door. She is really persistent tonight but last I heard Alex wasn’t going to be able to make it so I don’t understand why she is so anxious. The people who show up on time for high school parties include the band geeks and the mathletes. I figured we would hang out at my house for a little before heading to the party but from the looks of it Amber is going to jump in Jamie’s car before it even comes to a stop.

“Why the sudden rush to get there?” I ask as I throw the shirt in my purse and follow Amber out the door.

She looks up and down the block for Jamie's car but the only thing on the block are parked cars, houses and Mrs. Martin taking her aged golden retriever Amy, for her nightly walk. Friday nights in Perkins Harbor, before the summer vacationers come, are always quiet, at least in the residential areas and there isn’t much for a teenager to do around here at night. Sometimes Amber and I will walk to the beach and go for a late swim but we haven’t done that since we were caught and lectured by a security guard last summer.

“What’s the rush?” I repeat.

“There’s no rush. I just don’t want to stand around waiting for your boyfriend all night,” Amber scoffs.

She is hiding something.

-24-

Marcy’s Corner is a small gated community with mansions that would rival those in Beverly Hills. Some of them look like they should come with their own zip code. Erik lives on the very end of the block so we have to drive through a good portion of the community to get to his house. I have been here a few times but I'm still amazed at the size of these houses. For me, there is magic in the air and I swear I can hear the angels singing as a towering alabaster mansion climbs into view. It's like the universe is saying, "Look, April, it's something you'll never have."

A shadowy figure moves around inside the giant windows where fluorescent light casts a spotlight on the rose bushes that line the front side of the massive home. Jamie pulls into the crescent driveway and we park between a blue Jaguar and Erik's snot green Hummer.

“Looks like we might be the first ones here,” Jamie says as we ascend the wrap-around porch.
              “I swear, this house was designed directly from a Bob Ross painting,” I say as Jamie rings the doorbell. “Aw man! I forgot he had a porch swing! I wish my house were big enough to have a porch swing. The closest I
ever
got was the hammock my dad hung in the backyard. Remember that thing, Amber?”

The front door flies open and my former crush appears and I remember what it was I found so attractive about him. I’m one of those girls who has a weakness for light eyes that seem like they don’t quite fit the muscle-man behind them. He’s nothing to me now but can I really be blamed for once finding those chiseled cheekbones irresistible?

"Hey, Jay-man!" Erik says opening the front door.

This is the first time in almost two years that I am allowing him to see me.

"April Marks," Erik says as we enter the foyer with ceilings as high as the sky. "I haven't seen you since the beginning of freshman year. I mean there were rumors that you've been to some of my parties but I've never seen you. You must have been avoiding me."

              “Never,” I tease.

“Good. It would be pretty awkward if you were, considering you and my boy have been all hot and heavy and it was like two-years-ago.”

My heart drops. I can’t believe he just said that. He couldn’t have been more obvious than if he said, “Remember the time you had a crush on me?” All I want to do is crawl under a rock. It was hard enough for me to bring it up with Jamie but to have Erik bring it up here, now, makes it ten times worse.

“Well, we all know I’m not avoiding you and isn’t that really all that matters?” Amber chimes in.

Erik’s face is flushed as turns on his heels toward my best friend.

“Hey Amber,” Erik says as he places his hands in the front pockets of his jeans and lowers his head.

This is so weird. I have never, in all the years I have known him, seen Erik be shy.

I nudge Amber lightly and in true Amber fashion she smiles and mouths,
we’ll talk later.

“Where’s the alcohol?” Jamie asks abruptly.

“Oh, dude I’ve totally gone all out for this bash,” Erik says. “Every kind of alcohol you can imagine is laid out in the kitchen. Do I know how to throw a party or what?”

He throws a hand in the air and waits for Jamie to slap him five but Jamie ignores him and heads for the kitchen.

“What was that all about?” Amber asks no one in particular.

“I have no idea,” I shrug but I have a feeling I know.

Erik lowers his hand slowly and scratches his head. "Well you’re the first to arrive so shall we grab a drink before the hounds begin to swarm?" He leads us into the ridiculous kitchen, where Jamie is already digging through the alcohol stash.

If you've ever seen the MTV series,
Cribs,
then you've basically seen Erik's kitchen. You could put my entire first floor in this kitchen. Two buckets of beer wait for us tucked away in the breakfast nook. Alcohol bottles decorate the bay window and there is a large keg in the corner.

"So what's your poison?" Erik asks me.

"She's not a big drinker," Jamie says, pulling out a beer. “Besides I basically had to convince her to come tonight. April isn’t much of a social butterfly.”

Erik’s eye dart through me as he and Amber share a laugh at my expense.

“Oh, okay then,” Erik stammers. “I’m not really sure what I can offer you. I basically cleared out all the non-alcoholic beverages.”

“I am sure water will be fine, right babe?”

"What?" I am completely taken aback by Jamie’s behavior.

"I'm just saying you aren't a real party girl. This isn't your scene, so just have water. I know you would rather be home watching Backstreet Boys DVDs than hanging out at another one of these parties. Besides didn’t you say you really didn’t like Erik?”

Jamie has never spoken to me like this before, not even when we had that horrible fight. He’s gas lighting me. He is behaving like a child.
If he wasn’t okay with the feelings I once had for Erik then he should have said so and I wouldn’t have come tonight. He really had to wait till now to be a dick about it?

"Actually, I'll have a beer," I say and slam my hand into the bucket. The ice ignites my nerves and I let out a squeal. “I wasn’t expecting it to be that cold,” I whisper to Amber.

Jamie's eyes flatten as he takes a swig of beer. I can feel the heat radiating from his face. How can he possibly be angry with me?

“What’s your problem,” I whisper.

My boyfriend says nothing, rolls his eyes and chugs the rest of the beer.

“Dude slow your roll,” Erik laughs as Jamie tosses the empty beer bottle in the garbage. “The night is still young.”

“Yeah, and you drove,” I chime in.

“I’m fine,” Jamie barks and grabs another beer out of the tub and takes a long and loud gulp. “Unlike some, I know how to handle my alcohol.”

What the hell?

25

“Jamie, can I speak with you for a minute...in private?” I ask tugging on his arm.

“Not right now,” Jamie says yanking his arm out of my hand. “The party's just getting started.”

People start to funnel into the house. Liza, Jeremy and her lackeys, Alison Mayfield, Cameron Links and Heather Friend strut through the foyer followed by the entire lacrosse team. It won’t be long before half the school is stumbling through the kitchen.

Liza and her lackeys should be called the “Golden-Haired Triplets.” It is amazing how three girls from three different families can be so alike. They have the same
holier than thou
attitude and according to Liza they are “the Queens of Perkins Harbor.”  They always dress alike and might as well be one whole bitchy person.

Liza has implemented the rule that they have to color coordinate their outfits based on the day of the week. Seriously. I’m not joking. They shop at Forever 21 because they color coordinate their store. It is the strangest thing and no matter how many times I see them in their matching outfits I think of that Lindsay Lohan movie and with good reason; Liza stole the idea from the movie. On Mondays they wear something black because they hate the first day of the school week and black is meant to signify mourning the weekend. Tuesdays and Wednesdays it is usually some color that begins with the first letter of that specific day so Tuesday they  wear turquoise dresses and Wednesday it is watermelon wardrobe day. Cameron tends to take the color names too seriously and actually came to school wearing a dress shaped like a watermelon that she had picked up from the Halloween store at The Mall. Thursdays and Fridays are usually a free-for-all so long as they don’t wear any of the colors they’ve already worn that week and the weekends are their standard, barely there dresses. It’s a really confusing system and I’m glad I am not part of their crew.

The new arrivals flock toward the kitchen, well actually they’re flocking toward the beer, which just happens to be in the kitchen. Jeremy and Erik fist bump and Alison’s date, a scrawny guy with black eyeliner, nods in our direction.

“Hey Erik,” Liza says, sashaying towards us.
“I hear this is supposed to be your best party to date.”

Why do I always forget how freaking gorgeous Liza is? It's like she’s not even trying to be beautiful, she just is. I’m not sure she really wears any makeup. She probably rolls out of bed and is ready to go looking like a million bucks. It’s so not fair. She never has to worry about being made fun of because of a metal halo surrounding her neck. She never has to second guess the decisions she makes because they always work in her favor and she never has to work to get or keep a guy, they will always gravitate to her. But she’s a bitch so there’s her flaw.

“Hell yeah! This party is going to be off the chains!” Erik shouts into his fist like it’s a megaphone.

“Hey Jamie,” Liza bats her eyelashes and shifts her hips in his direction.

The sound of his name from her mouth makes me want to hurl. She says it and somehow it oozes sex. Rather than saying, “Let’s screw,” she would say, “Jamie,” and everyone would know that was the signal for sex.

“Liza. I see its Standard Saturday again,” Jamie replies.

How the hell does he know about Standard Saturday?

“You know it,” Liza does a little spin so everyone can see the skin that she is trying to pass off as a dress. “Oh hey April. I didn’t see you there.”

Bitch.

“Liza,” I reply. “Where’s Jeremy? I thought I saw you two come in together.”

I slide my arms around Jamie’s waist but I might as well be a dog peeing on him to mark my territory.

“Babe!” Jeremy shouts from across the room. I feel like every word he says should be followed by the sound, duuuh. “You have to see this. Michael is chugging two beers at once without any hands!”

I am now replaying
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
in my head. I am sure that if Ted were a real person Jeremy would challenge his level of stupidity. Liza shrugs and rushes over to see this amazing feat that Jeremy’s even dumber friend is about to attempt. I really don’t understand how those two will be graduating next year.

The kitchen is flooded with people and all I want to do is pull Jamie out of there.

“Jamie, please.” I tug on his arm and pull him into the foyer. “What’s gotten into you tonight?”

“Nothing. I’m fine,” Jamie says. He won’t look at me and when he does his eyes dart away so quickly I hardly have time to catch them.

“Okay. I know you. You’re not fine. Please tell me what’s going on,” I plead, caressing his arm.

“I thought I was okay with this but I guess I’m not.”

“Okay with what?” I already know what he is talking about.

“The whole Erik thing,” he lowers his gaze and stiffens his lower lip. “You had a thing for my best friend.”

I knew we shouldn’t have come tonight.

“Yes, I
had
a thing for him. That was almost two-years-ago and long before I knew there was a you,” I approach him, carefully. I don’t want him to pull away when I reach for him. “Jamie, I love you. You’re the person I want to be with. Erik means nothing to me and besides if you haven’t noticed I’m pretty sure there is something going on between him and Amber.”

“Let’s just go back to the party,” Jamie says and starts for the kitchen.

“Jamie, wait. Talk to me. What can I do to make you feel better about this? You should already know by now that the only person in my heart is you. But if you need more convincing tell me what I need to do and I’ll do it. Erik means nothing to me and if I could go back in time and unmeet him I would but since I am not a Time Lord, this is where we are. But I promise you’re it. Okay. Shouldn’t our marriage conversation on Christmas Eve be a clue that Erik is the furthest thing from my mind? Or the fact that I gave up my virginity to
you
?”

I can almost see the tension weighing on his shoulders. “You should have seen the way you looked at him, April. It was the same way you looked at me that first day we met.”

This isn’t happening. Jamie can’t possibly believe that I would ever look at anyone the way I look at him. I had a crush - a stupid little crush, it is a simple as that.

“Jamie, come on. You can’t really believe that.”

“It doesn’t matter. Let’s just go back to the party.”

“No! We need to discuss this. I can’t believe that after everything and after all this time together you don’t trust me.”

I have never given him any reason to doubt my feelings for him. I only told him about Erik because I didn’t want to hide anything from him. I told him I wanted to marry him for God’s sake, what further proof does he need?

“How would you feel if the roles were reversed and I told you that I used to have feelings for Amber?” Jamie asks and waves his hands in the air like he is trying flag down a plane. “Somehow I don’t think you’d be singing the same tune right now.”

I’ll never admit it to him but he has a point. I know I wouldn’t be able to handle seeing them together but I also know how little I felt for Erik and how ridiculous it is for Jamie to be holding a former crush against me. Jealousy was never part of his personality. “I don’t see a point to being jealous. If we trust one another than that’s all that should matter,” Jamie had said after meeting Charlie. So either he no longer trusts me or his whole spiel about how pointless jealousy is was a big fat lie. 

“I didn’t have feelings for Erik! It was a crush a stupid freaking crush and I don’t appreciate you using it against me or as a way to embarrass me in front of my friends!”

Jamie loses his balance as though the volume of my voice
knocked him over
. His shoulders roll and his arms fall at his sides. “And if you want to talk about looking at someone like they’re a meal waiting to be eaten, you should have seen your face when Liza walked in.”

Shit, why did I say that?

“Don’t turn this around on me, April. I’ve never been interested in Liza!”

“Oh please, you looked at her like she had walked in naked.”
Oh my God April, shut the hell up. You’re only making things worse.

“God, April. Just forget it,” he says and stomps towards the kitchen that is now swarming with our drunken classmates.

“Are you kidding me? Why do you always walk away?” I shout.

“Because I’d rather not do or say something I am going to regret.”

He disappears into the flock of drunken teenagers all of whom shout over the thumping music in inaudible conversation.

My insides are on fire and sweat pools on my neck and back. I want to run after him, to tell him that he is being an idiot and that there is no one else in the world for me, but it’s obvious that won’t work. I don’t know how to fix this. I’m not sure it’s actually fixable. I’ve made things awkward between Jamie and Erik and if it comes down to making a choice between the two of us I know where I’ll land. When I was in the 8th grade I had a massive crush on Ryan Jenkins. On Valentine’s Day I made Ryan a card with the words, “I like you,” painted on the inside.
O
ne Friday afternoon Amber got wind of the fact that he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. I was elated and hauled ass to Ryan’s locker where he was already waiting for me. Being the idiotic girl I was, and still am, I threw myself at him and shouted, “I would love to be your girlfriend!” before he even had a chance to open his mouth. That’s when I saw the look in his eyes like someone had just killed his favorite pet.

“I can’t be your boyfriend April. In fact, I’m not sure we should hang out anymore,” Ryan said as he peeled my arms from his neck.

He told me that his best friend, Charlie (yes,
that
Charlie), had a crush on me and made Ryan choose between Charlie and me. He chose his friend. I understood but I was devastated.

And I know that if he has to, Jamie will do the same thing Ryan did. He will chose his best friend over me. If the roles were reversed I would probably do the same for Amber. What’s that saying? Lovers come and go but friends are forever?