The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke (12 page)

“April, this gift…” Jamie starts but his voice trails off and cracks. “Thank you.”

He leans in and kisses me softly on the forehead but keeps my hands contained within his. His face flushes and his eyes are watery. “You like it?” I ask shyly.

“Are you kidding me,” Jamie replies as his lips part and turn up into a wide grin. “I love it. I mean it is exactly like the one my Grandfather had. I didn’t think I would ever see this jacket again. Thank you so much, April, you really are everything to me.”

-16-

“April, we’re home!” my father calls from downstairs.

My parents have always had the worst timing in the world. Somehow they always know just when to interrupt something that I don’t want interrupted.

“Looks like they went to the Martin’s a little early this year,” I say. I jump off the bed and store the tickets and passes in my desk drawer for safekeeping.

Jamie slides off the bed and wraps the jacket around his shoulders. He looks so handsome in it; I start for the door but notice that Jamie isn’t following me.

“You coming?” I ask as I turn to face him.

“April,” Jamie says, as his voice takes a tone I’ve never heard. It’s low and serious. “When I pulled out the box with your tickets, did you think I was going to propose?”

I don’t know what to say. Maybe if I stand perfectly still and remain quiet he’ll forget about it. It’s mortifying to think your boyfriend of only a few months is going to propose only to find out that you were completely delusional, as usual. I really don’t want to answer him. But instead...

“No, of course not,” I lie.

“Oh okay,” Jamie says and I swear I hear a hint of disappointment. “That’s good, I guess.”

“Jamie?” I ask. “
What is it?
”

“Nothing. I thought maybe you thought there was an engagement ring in the box and I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea.” He was stammering, “Umm we’d better get downstairs we wouldn’t want your parents thinking something was going on up here. I’d hate to get on
their bad
side.”

Like that could ever happen. We head downstairs in silence with this awkward elephant between us.

Jamie can hardly look at me and I want to rewind that moment Jamie asked me about the box and I want to suck it up and tell him the truth. I’ll pull him aside before he leaves and explain to him why I lied and that I did think he was going to propose. The worst he can do is say that he isn’t ready for that step and that is okay because I’m not either. Sometimes I am too insecure for my own good. If I could wake up a different person tomorrow I would and I’d make sure I was someone who didn’t always second-guess herself.

“So, tell us,” my mother starts, “what he give you?”

“Wha...what? Nothing!” I shout, because clearly my mother is asking if Jamie and I had sex while they were gone.

“For Christmas. I assume you guys exchanged gifts already,” mom clarifies.

“Oh, right. Of course, I knew that,” I stammer.

“Sure you did,” my father says flatly.

I look at Jamie and smile but he gives me a half smile in return. I want to be excited about the tickets and the passes but seeing the broken look on my boyfriend’s face it is hard to be excited about anything. I have to fix this.

“Jamie, can I speak with you for a minute?” I ask and begin to head for the foyer. Jamie nods and heads out of the room behind me. “We’ll be right back,” I say to my parents.

“Is everything okay?” mom asks.

I shrug and head into the foyer to speak with Jamie.

“Hey, you okay?” I ask, as I tug at the sleeve on his shirt.

“I’m fine,” he replies flatly. “But we’re being rude to your parents so we should probably head back in.”

He starts for the living room but I grab his wrist and tug at him until he stops. “Jamie, please talk to me. You’re obviously angry with me for something and I deserve to know why”

“It’s nothing. I’m not mad,” Jamie sighs and faces me. “If you want the truth, I’m hurt.”

“Hurt? Why?”

“Look, I know we’ve only been together for a few months but I thought we were on
the same page
, you know with you being everything to me and all.”

“We are.”

“Then why did you lie to me before about what you thought was inside the box?”

I shouldn’t be shocked that Jamie knew I was lying, he knows me really well.

“I’m sorry I lied,” I say. My voice is muffled as I bury my face in my hands. “I was embarrassed and honestly a little afraid.”

I’m still hiding but Jamie slides beside me and pulls my forearms forward to remove my hands from my face. When I look at him he’s giving me a crooked smile.

“Were you afraid when you thought it was an engagement ring?” Jamie asks and wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him.

“I don’t want to say,” I reply nervously.

“April, please tell me. Were you afraid?”

I sigh and count to ten, as my mother always tells me to do when I feel like I’m going to panic. I’m afraid I am going to scare him away. Amber always says that boys our age are terrified of the idea of marriage. The whole concept of us being in love should comfort me but being in love and discussing marriage are two very different things. Fingers crossed he doesn’t run away so fast he leaves a Jamie-shaped hole in the front door.

“No, I wasn’t afraid,” I whisper and try to keep the shakiness in my voice at a minimum. “Actually, I was excited. I mean I was a little surprised and a little nervous about what my parents would say but the idea of committing myself to you for the rest of my life wasn’t scary at all.”

Well, I went for it and I went all in. Now there’s nothing left to do but wait for the gavel to come down.

“Can I be honest with you?” Jamie asks, “I’ve thought about proposing to you,
getting down
on one knee and promising to love you for the rest of our lives if you’d have me. I’ve probably thought about it more times than a boy my age should and I don’t know if that makes me any less of a man but if it does then it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

My heart is beating so hard it might as well just leap out of my chest and plant itself on Jamie. The words coming out of his mouth say everything I have ever wanted to hear from him. I feel like we’re unbreakable and this is where we’re meant to be...together.

“If you’ve been feeling this way, why you haven’t you proposed?”

Jamie let’s out a wild laugh. “April, we’re in high school! We would need our parents’ permission to get married and I know for a fact mine wouldn’t give it and somehow, despite how cool they are, I doubt your parents would either. Besides I think marrying you would probably make more sense when we both have jobs and can afford a place of our own. I don’t think living in our parents’ basement would be ideal housing.”

God, I love the way he speaks sometimes. It’s like he’s an old soul placed inside a teenage boy’s body.

“Good point. Plus when we’re married I’d rather not have my mommy still doing my laundry.”

We both laugh, neither one of us want to be that ridiculous married couple who is still living with their parents.

“But just know, when we’re old enough and can fend for ourselves the first thing I am doing is going out and buying you that ring.”

“You know, I love you, Jamie.”

“And you know I love you too, April.”

I never thought I would find everything I ever wanted while I was still in high school, especially not after my last visit to Dr. Meresh. Now my future is set! No matter what happens from now on, no matter what college I attend or what career path I decide to go on, Jamie will be by my side and that’s all I really need to know.

-17-

Jamie has asked me to go with him to Boston during our semester break and visit his Grandpa James’ memorial on the anniversary of his death. He wants to “introduce” me to his grandfather. “Okay, that’s kind of weird,” Amber had said when I told her about the trip and why Jamie wanted me to come along.

Amber doesn’t believe in the afterlife. To her the idea of spirits hanging around their loved ones is preposterous. She thinks you live, you die and that’s it. Jamie doesn’t believe that everyone turns into ghosts when they die but he has said that when he visits his Grandfather’s grave he feels like Grandpa James can hear him. Me? I’m not sure what I believe. It would be comforting to believe that our loved ones’ spirits hang around long after their bodies are gone so they can look out for those they’ve left behind. I think it would make the concept of death a little easier but when Grandma Maggie died I never felt her around; she was just gone.

Since it’s only an hour and a half from Perkins Harbor and we wouldn’t need to stay over, my parents agreed to let me go. They’re big Jamie fans but the idea of letting their teenage daughter stay overnight with her boyfriend in another city – NO. I have been to Boston a few times and although I am in no way a Red Sox fan, I love the city. It is so different from Perkins Harbor with its massive buildings, traffic, and crowded streets and of course, Fenway Park. I’ve never seen the inside of the ballpark because my dad says the Red Sox’s fans can get really rowdy and he doesn’t want to expose me to that kind of chaos just yet. I think it would be really exciting to see the stadium erupted during a game, especially against their rivals the New York Yankees. Here in Perkins we don’t have a lot of car traffic, it's mostly pedestrian but in Boston there always seems to be some kind of event going on whether it is a farmer’s market, street fair or sports game, the city is always buzzing. The first time I was there was almost like a culture shock for me. But Jamie grew up in Boston so for him it is like going home.  

“If we have time maybe I can show you where I grew up,” Jamie says as we pull off the interstate entering into Boston.

“I’d love that,” I reply and squeeze Jamie’s hand, which I have been holding the entire trip.

I know today is going to be difficult for him because the loss of his Grandpa is still so raw and I want to be as supportive as I can. 

We’re entering the main hub of Boston, Newbury Street, where the world’s best music store exists. Newbury Comics is where I bought my first Backstreet Boys CD so they will always have my undying support. Newbury Street is buzzing, even at 8 o’clock in the morning on a Saturday. One thing I’ve always loved about Boston is the eclectic mix of its residents. In Perkins Harbor people are pretty much the same, but here, you have people from all walks of life. A couple I’d never see in Perkins stroll arm-in-arm along the sidewalk. But it’s not their alabaster skin with silver pierces all over it or dark ripped jeans that catches my eye. I can’t stop staring at the tattoos that are covering both of their arms completely. There are a few people in Perkins with tattoos but they’re small and hidden. No one broadcasts their rebellion to the world like some of the people in Boston do and I love it. Here me and my brace blend in with the rest of the metal covered bodies and faces of the unique personalities of Boston’s residents.

We pass by a Starbucks and the Puma store where I bought a pair of sneakers during my family’s last trip here because the ones I had brought with me had gotten caught between the teeth of a playful Rottweiler. We head out of the hub and continue on our way toward Forest Hills Avenue where the cemetery is. As we approach the gates into Forest Hills Cemetery Jamie squeezes my hand and looks at me with a half-smile.

The cemetery is broken into sections, which are grouped together by the family’s last name. Since Grandpa James was Mr. Clarke’s father we don’t have to drive through too many of the sections to find his grave.

“There it is,” Jamie says, pointing to a cobble headstone in the corner of the “C” section, with flowers sprinkled on it.

As we approach James Clarke’s grave, I am very careful as to where I step, knowing that someone’s family member is lying beneath my feet. I cling to Jamie’s arm and kiss him as we stand in front of all that is left of his Grandfather.

I’ve never thought of Jamie as vulnerable but today is different. His eyes are slanted and his face flushed. He won’t look at me, he just stares at the headstone that reads

JAMES CLARKE, LOVING HUSBAND AND FATHER.

“FIGHT UNTIL YOU DIE OR LIVE TRYING.”

“Hey Gramps,” Jamie says. “See, I promised I’d be back.” His voice cracks as he places a piece of paper under one of the flowers that has already been left by an earlier visitor. I don’t know what is on the paper, I didn’t even know he had it, but it’s folded in the same way the note he gave me was when he asked me to be his girlfriend.  “I’ve also brought company.” He looks at me and I almost don’t recognize his eyes. They’re usually vibrant and alive but right now they’re glazed and moist. “This is April, my girlfriend. Yes, I actually have a girlfriend. She’s pretty awesome and is going to be a world famous author and she is without a doubt the best person I know.”

“Hello,” I say and wave at the headstone. Lame girlfriend move right there. Who waves at a headstone? We didn’t have a burial for my grandma Maggie. She was cremated and placed in an urn that is sitting on the mantel of our fireplace and when Amber’s aunt died I stayed in the back of the crowd and never saw the headstone so I really don’t know how to act around it. Jamie treated it like his Grandfather is sitting on top of it. I look around and see other graves have visitors and they’re all talking to their deceased loved ones as well. “I am sorry I never had the chance to meet you but Jamie has told me wonderful things about you.”

I wish I had known the man who Jamie says made him who he is today. I would love to thank James for molding his grandson to be the everything that I have been looking for in life. I don’t want to cry because then Jamie will be taking care of me and today is about him and what he needs. I have felt like our entire relationship until today has been about me and now it’s his turn.

“Mom and dad are doing just fine and we’ve adapted to life in Perkins Harbor pretty easily. It’s a lot different than Boston though. The beach is really nice, not much different from Revere but there are definitely more seagulls flying around. You would have laughed last week when mom and I were down at the beach, one of the seagulls chased after her because it wanted the bagel she was eating.”

“Yeah, the Perkins seagulls can be pretty vicious when it comes to food,” I interject.

Jamie smiles and sits on the ground, pretty much on top of his grandfather. He crosses his legs and pulls me down next to him.
I am sitting on top of a grave. There’s a person under here.
This is so weird. Don’t think about it and just focus on Jamie. This is what he needs so suck it up.

“You know how you felt about Grandma? That’s how I feel about April,” Jamie continues. “She’s the one, Gramps and even though you’re not physically with me anymore I wanted you to meet her and see why I’ve been so happy lately. I don’t have proof but I know that you had a hand in all of this so thank you for bringing her to me.”

I wrap my arms around Jamie’s waist and I can feel his shoulders shaking a little bit. He’s crying and it’s weird seeing it. I feel like I should be doing more than just rubbing his back but I don’t know what to do. I have dealt with death before and have had people comfort me but I never had to be the one to comfort someone else. With Amber I used jokes and her own personality to get her through her aunt’s death, but I can’t do that with Jamie. So I’ll just be his shoulder to cry on.

We stayed at the cemetery for a long time. After my initial discomfort I warmed up and even had a few one-sided conversations with Grandpa James myself. With Jamie’s prompting I told him about my writing and also about my Backstreet Boys obsession and the concert that we’re going to this summer and how lucky I was to have found him. As I spoke I realized that it didn’t seem so weird talking to the headstone and I understood why people do. It’s cathartic and you do feel like the person is still there in a way.

Since we still have a few minutes before we have to head back to Perkins Harbor Jamie offers to take me to see where he grew up and of course I am dying to go. I want to see where my boyfriend grew into the sexy boy he is today, although it’s weird thinking of him being anywhere else but in my life.

Before the Clarke’s moved to Perkins Harbor they lived in a brownstone in Beacon Hill, a section of Boston with narrow streets that could have given a few of the steep roads in San Francisco a challenge. The cobblestone is difficult to drive on and I feel like I’m on an airplane that has hit an air pocket. Jamie’s childhood home is nestled between two larger brownstones but his stands out thanks to the pale pink door that his mother insisted on having. This is my favorite house in the world because it’s where Jamie lived before he found me. Across the street children are screaming and shouting as they jump on the swing sets of a small playground, I wonder if Jamie played at that park when he was their age. I imagine a young Jamie running up and down the hill completely unaware of what his life would have in store for him when he was a teenager. I wonder if we ever played together when my family would visit Boston. Okay fine that’s a bit of a stretch but anything is possible.

“I hated having my friends over because of that damn door,” Jamie says as we stand on the street outside the house where he spent the first 18-years of his life.

Jamie walks up to the first floor window and peeks inside. The house is dark and the curtains are drawn so he’s not going to be able to see much.

“We may not be able to go inside and make out but who says we can’t defile the front door a little bit.” He lifts me off the ground and I wrap my legs around his back and he stumbles against the pink door. The brace makes me heavier than I should be.

The streets are coming alive as people file out of their homes. Some of them stare at us while others walk by like we don’t exist. I hope the current owners don’t get back before we’re finished making out. We have kissed a hundred times since our first date but today it feels different, like we’re more connected. I don’t have the same nervous tension in my chest that I had every other time. Jamie is holding me closer than normal and he’s more genteel about it. It’s the first time, since Halloween, that we’ve kissed and I don’t feel like it might lead to something more. Something has changed but I know it’s a good change not one that is going to end with me curled in a ball on my bed buried beneath crumbled tissues.

Jamie kisses me three times as small pecks and leans away from me. “April,” he whispers, “I need you to know something. I still haven’t gotten used to the fact that my grandfather is gone and coming here has always been really hard for me but having you with me today, well it is the first time I feel like I can start to let go.” He smiles and allows me to hug him and brush his hand with my hand. “Thank you for today.”

Until today I always felt like I needed Jamie more than he needed me. He’s always coming to my rescue when people make fun of my brace and he’s always there to pick up the pieces when I’m struggling with life. Today I realized that he needs me as much as I need him.