The Tragedy of Loving Jamie Clarke (8 page)

I knew the very first time Dr. Meresh snapped the brace in place that I would become the butt of nearly every joke at school. I never prepared for it but I knew it was coming. The lock cracks and I’m finally free. I stretch out my arms, because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when a weight has been lifted off you? Jamie spikes it on the concrete and growls.

“No! You didn’t ask to be put in that thing. You didn’t ask to get scoliosis and they have no right making you suffer for it,” he grabs my shoulders and pulls me in and wraps his arms around my back as his breath blows my hair off my neck.

I feel that lump in my throat, the one I’ve been fighting since my encounter with those boys in the hallway and this time there’s no way I can ignore it. I crumble into his arms and the weight of the lock, the torment and the fear that someone would see me with it on my brace, fall off and I can finally soak it all in. Water is pooling from my eyes and I’m doing one of those hyperventilating, sobbing cries, you know one of the really ugly ones where your face gets all scrunched and your nose starts dripping? I pull back to give myself enough room to wipe my nose with the sleeve of my shirt as Jamie looks at me.

“I promise, I won’t ever let anyone do anything like this to you again,” he says and kisses my forehead.

For the first time in a long time I don’t feel so alone in this. I feel like Jamie and I are facing my reality together and I think I can handle that.

-10-

I am not naïve enough to think that perfect relationships exist. I don’t believe that any relationship is free of conflict. As much as I would like to think that Jamie and I are the perfect couple, I know this isn’t true. To date, he and I have never had an argument but I know that it is eventually going to happen. People fight, it is inevitable.

The brace snapped in place and despite her efforts to escape it, Marlo was trapped. Panic washed over her as she made a run for the door marked, EXIT. If she could get out and onto the street she’d be able to call for help…

The computer buzzes as the cooling fan comes on for the tenth time in the last fifteen minutes.  This dusty old laptop is a hand-me-down from my cousin, Asher, and it’s a total piece of shit. I have to hit it three times before it actually boots up and if it’s not plugged into the charger it won’t last more than five minutes but until I finish writing a book my parents refuse to buy me a new one. I have to finish this book if not for myself so that I can get rid of this laptop before it explodes.

7 p.m. Ding Dong! Jamie is here. Why is it that I always get the most inspired right before I have something I have to do? I could probably get the book finished today if I had more time. But I can always count on Jamie to be on time.

“Hey babe!” Jamie shouts from downstairs. “Can I come up?”

I slam the computer shut before he has a chance to sneak a peek at my work.

“Hey Jamie,” I reply.

“So, is the book ready for me yet?”

“No, definitely not,” I insist. “I still have the last chapter to write.”

Jamie pouts and jumps on my bed. “Well fine but when it’s done I expect to read every beautiful word of yours.”

“Fine but only if you promise to be gentle. It’s my first book so the writing is probably crap,” I say begrudgingly.

“Deal. But I doubt I’ll have to be. I am sure the book is amazing,” Jamie replies. “In the meantime, who is ready for some Arnold?” He’s waving the
Terminator
DVD in the air and is grinning from ear-to-ear.

A few days ago, after I made him watch
The Notebook
for the hundredth time, Jamie made me promise that our next movie would be something manly. So tonight, as promised, we will watch the first two
Terminator
movies. I have no desire to watch Arnold Schwarzenegger try to act all night but I owe Jamie and I never go back on my promises. Once Amber made me promise her that I would go skinny dipping at least once before senior year so last summer right before school started, Amber and I swam in the ocean bare naked. It was exhilarating but it didn’t last long because I was convinced that some creepy man was standing on the beach watching us. It is one of those experiences that I am glad I did because I never really do anything crazy. Once it was said and done I made Amber swear we’d never talk about it again. I didn’t want my parents finding out - they would never let me live it down.

“If I say no, will you be mad?” I ask and bat my eyelashes.

“Sorry kid but you made me sit through endless hours of that Nicholas Sparks, its payback time!” Jamie says and flops onto the bed and kicks his shoes off. “And don’t try the whole,
but I’m in a back-brace
thing. It worked the first few times but you’re pity movie nights are over now.”

I’ll admit it; I have used my back-brace as a means to get what I want with Jamie. If I sit for too long the brace does actually shift but it has nothing to do with the movies he picked out. Clearly he eventually caught on to what I was doing.

I yank the first
Terminator
DVD out of Jamie’s hand and shove it into my PlayStation and join my overly excited boyfriend on the bed. At least it’s better than the first movie we ever saw together,
Titanic
; after two hours of watching water your bladder starts to betray you. At least the worst thing in this movie is Arnold’s bare ass.

I may have fallen asleep during the movie. It is hard not to fall asleep when you’re wrapped in Jamie’s arms and you’re listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat. It was like a lullaby rocking a baby to sleep.

“April!” my father says, as he quietly knocks on the door. “Can I come in?”

I leap off Jamie and into a seated position on the end of the bed as far away from the boy in my room as I can be. I promised them I wouldn’t have sex until I was absolutely ready and when I was it shouldn’t be in my room. Their reason; mom sometimes makes my bed in the morning and she’d hate to touch tainted sheets. Most parents don’t want their daughters having sex in their home because they don’t want them getting pregnant and ruining their lives but
mine
are afraid of touching tainted sheets.

“What’s up, dad?” I ask trying to act as normal as possible.

“Did you get your costume for the party back from the dry cleaners yet?”

Crap! I completely forgot. The Anchor is having their annual Halloween party next weekend and I had taken my Sexy Minnie Mouse costume to the dry cleaners to be cleaned and pressed but had forgotten to pick it up. The Anchor Halloween party is an elaborate event thrown by the resort for its employees. It is the one time of year when the resort shuts down and for my parents it is one of the most important nights of their lives. Mr. Michael Wells, CEO of The Anchor, was trying to come up with a new way to show his employees how much he appreciated them and Mom suggested an annual Halloween party.

I can’t believe I forgot about it and forgot to tell Jamie. Since it was my mother’s idea my family gets special party treatment, which means I get to bring a guest if I want. In the past I’ve gone solo, this year I can’t wait to walk in with Jamie on my arm.

“I took it to the cleaners I just haven’t picked it up yet,” I reply, cheerfully. “I’ll pick it up after school tomorrow.”

“Great! And Jamie I hope you have an old Halloween costume lying around. This party is going to be
off the hook
! Or whatever it is you kids say these days.” says dad as he pulls the door shut and heads back downstairs where he and mom are watching some black and white movie from the 1930s. Snore!
My father is a nerd even when he is trying to be cool.

Jamie gives me this sour look. He clearly doesn’t want to go but I figure that once he finds out how important it is to my parents, and to me, he’ll be on board.

“Okay, I know that you would probably rather gouge out your eyes than dress-up in a costume but these parties can be a lot of fun and by the end of the night you won’t even remember you’re wearing a ridiculous outfit” I promise.

“I am just not the costume kind of guy,” Jamie replies calmly.

“It’s just one night and I’ll even help you pick out the costume. I know this awesome shop in town that sells some really cool ones,” I negotiate in my best I-should-be-a-lawyer voice. 

Jamie is sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs dangling off the side. He folds his arms across his chest and sighs. “I’m sorry babe, I’m just not into the whole Halloween thing.”

“But it’s for my parents and it's only
one
night,” I whine. “It is really not that big of a deal.

“It’s not
just
for your parents it's for the entire employee roster,” Jamie snaps. “And it’s not just a costume, April. I am being told to look like an idiot.” I never expected him to be this upset about wearing a costume.  I don’t know why he is getting agitated with me; it isn’t like he asked me to go to an important party for his parents and
I
basically said no. It shouldn’t, but it feels like a slap in the face. I also feel like he is disrespecting my parents.

“Oh don’t be ridiculous” I bark. “It's just
one
night Jamie. Haven’t you ever gone Trick or Treating or dressed up for Halloween?”

“No as a matter of fact, I never have and never will!”

“But I really want you to come and it would mean a lot to my parents too!” I yell.

Jamie launches off the bed. His lips flatten as he reaches for my hand.
“What’s the big deal, April? If you’re only going for an hour you don’t really need me there. Why not go with your parents and call me when you get home and we can see a movie or something.”

I jerk my hands out of his and fold them across my chest. I want him to know that I’m angry and the whole concept of we’ll-make-plans-after response is unacceptable. “You have to pick your battles,” my mother’s words of advice flop around in my head as I try to figure out what to say. Is this a battle I really want to continue? Is it worth arguing over or should I let it go? What would really change if he didn’t come with me to the party? But I’ve already decided how I am going to handle it with the absolute worst thing I could say.

“Why don’t you want to go, Jamie? Do you not like my parents?” I shout. “Because they love you.”

“Geez, April,” Jamie says heading for the door. “Do you really think I’m that much of a jerk? I just don’t want to go. I won’t do it! And I don’t want to be questioned about it.”

Okay this is where my brain would typically give into my heart but I’m expecting my period any day so calm and reason isn’t exactly my strength right now.

“God, Jamie, it’s just a freaking party. If you really love me you’ll go.”

Well that should do it! I have blackmailed him with, “if you really love me,” and I can’t take it back. I’ve taken the argument too far and the only way to move on now is to give him time to cool down. He is pissed and he has every right to be. It is a stupid costume, it’s supposed to be fun, but if he doesn’t want to be forced to wear one then I shouldn’t force him to. I know it’s not going to do anything but I have to at least try the apology tour.

“Sorry Jamie, I shouldn’t have said that,” I rush to him before he gets another foot out the door. I pull on his arm but he won’t budge so I stand at his side. “I don’t know what is wrong with me today. If you don’t want to go its fine we can grab a movie or something when I get back, okay?”

Of course it’s not okay. I freaked out on him over a stupid outfit. I don’t want him to leave. People always say you shouldn’t leave angry. Or is it you shouldn’t go to bed angry? Whatever it is I don’t want to do it. I want to fix this and I want to fix it now.

“It’s fine. I’ll talk to you later,” Jamie says and slams the door shut.

-11-

“He’ll forgive you sweetie, they always do,” my mother says as she slides a brush through my hair. “He just needs time to cool off.”

"What if he doesn't?" I whisper, afraid my father will hear me.

I haven't told him about the fight. When Charlie and I used to fight I would tell my dad and he would always flip out and say things like, "I'll kick his scrawny little ass if he hurt you!” Or "Did he try something? Oh just tell me he tried something and I'll make sure he never gets near another girl again!" The truth is, my dad is not a violent man. I'm not sure he's ever been in a real fight before. He claims that when he was in high school he fought the school bully and won, but every time he tells that story mom always giggles. Still, I'd rather not put any negative thoughts in his head about Jamie so that when we reconcile they will still be buddies.

"He will," mom says as she slips on her felt mouse ears that she has worn every year even if she isn’t dressing up as a mouse, and pushes a stray piece of hair into a bobby pin. "Men are more sensitive than they would like you to think. Trust me I am sure he is having as hard of a time about this fight as you are."

"I'm not so sure," I choke back the lump building in my throat. “What if this is the end of Jamie and me? No one else is going to look at me the way Jamie does. He’s the only person in my life who looks at me and sees more than just a girl in a back brace.”

Mom enters the frame of the mirror and I can see both our reflections. I never realized how much we look alike. I guess this is what my future self will look like. It could be worse, right?

“Oh, April. No one looks at you and sees only a girl in a brace. They see you, the wonderful, bright, charming, writer that you are. Jamie is special but he isn’t the only one who knows how incredible you are,” mom insists. "Having your first fight with someone is tough but I promise you everything will work out. You'll see." Mom pats my shoulders and kisses the top of my head as she exits the mirror. "Now get dressed and make sure you wear your dancing shoes because this mama wants to
cut a rug
tonight!"

She waltzes out of the room with her imaginary partner and I muster a giggle. I'm still miserable but it is an important night for my parents so I have to go. Besides it gives me an excuse to wear my favorite Minnie Mouse costume. I’ve been wearing the brace for 23-hours a day for several months now so since tonight is a special occasion Dr. Meresh feels that I could leave my brace off for the party.  It is a relief to not have the weight of the plastic and metal resting on me. The bars, although not directly on my shoulders, put a lot of pressure on the rest of the brace and I often feel sore right before bed, like I just went to the gym. I’ve got that whole sexy-mouse vibe going on tonight, although it would be a lot sexier with the glisten of the translucent stockings rather than the mournful vision of the black leggings. It is a shame that Jamie isn't here to see this. I have played the fight over in my head a hundred times and each time I do the more I realize how selfish and stupid I was being. I wish I could hit rewind and be meeting up with him after the party. Instead I am going solo and coming home to an empty room.

The Anchor looks magical tonight. White twinkling lights are strung up along the main business and ocean-view walkways leading to each of the guest rooms. It looks like a Christmas paradise even though it's a Halloween-themed event.

“Still no word?” my mother asks quietly as we approach the twinkling restaurant.

I can hear music blasting from inside and see faint shadows as partygoers mingle inside.  Skull shaped lights wrap around a velvet rope that separates the outer patio from the restaurant. I feel like I'm entering the set of a Tim Burton movie, which centers around a bald giant. Every time The Anchor holds these appreciation parties they hire a bouncer (for lack of a better word). It is a special event for the employees and their families, not for resort guests.

“Anna and Jason Marks and our daughter, April,” my father says to the burly man with a naked scalp and metal hoop running through his lip.

“Go ahead,” the pierced bouncer says nodding toward the door and giving me a once over.

It is strange having a grown man look at me like that. Amber would have loved it. She enjoys being gawked at by any human being with a penis. I however only want Jamie's eyes on me.

The party is exactly as I expect it to be. There is a chef’s table in the rear of the restaurant with a bevy of food items bathing in hot water inside chafing dishes.  The bar back is decorated with spider webs, pumpkins and black cat cutouts. The bar houses the finest wines and top shelf alcohol; everything’s the same as it was for the last party the Anchor had here. Princesses, Ninjas, Cats and a few Captain Jack Sparrows stroll about, taking it all in, some of them cradling their drinks like they’re made of gold. Like mom and me everyone has recycled their costumes from last year’s party.

“Anna! Jason!” A middle-aged Cinderella shouts as she and her Prince cross the sea of people. “Don’t you two look wonderful?” 

“Well if it isn’t Cinderella Kaitlyn and her Prince Asher,” my mother says giving Amber’s parents a hug. “I see you, like everyone else, went with last year’s costume.”

“It’s a tradition,” Asher says shaking my father’s hand. “And April, you are by far the prettiest mouse I have ever seen.” He says this every year.

“Hi Mr. Hill,” I reply. “Was Amber upset she couldn’t come...again?”

Every year Amber begs her parents to bring her along so she and I can spend the night making fun of their co-workers and every year they deny her request. “No guests allowed remember?” Mrs. Hill always says, and of course Amber will whine about how her best friend is there and she should be with me. These parties would be a lot more fun if Amber were here. I didn’t tell her that I invited Jamie to come with me tonight. She would be pissed that I didn’t ask her first.

“Oh you know Amber and parties,” Mrs. Hill chuckles. “If that girl could live her life in one extended party she would.”

“So, Asher, did you see that piece on the news last night about the economic status of the working class? It looks things are finally starting to improve now that…” dad’s voice trails off as I detach from the conversation.

“April, why don’t you go get yourself something to eat? We’ll join you shortly,” mom says. That’s my queue and I don’t need a second invite to eat.

Lobster Alfredo, Chicken Parmigiana, Filet Mignon, Garlic & Herb Linguine and the choice of a garden salad or classic Caesar! “Lobster and Chicken, and both salads, let’s go for it!” I cry. I may be a small girl but I can pack the food away. I lay on a few spoonfuls of the linguine.” I would love to try a piece of the filet but my plate is so heavy I am going to have to sit down.” I say to myself. 

Making my way over to one of the only tables still available I notice the ice cream sundae bar. “Oh my god, every topping in the world…and vats of vanilla, chocolate and strawberry!” I already know the sundae I am going to be making for myself: Vanilla topped with some of the maraschino cherries, hot fudge and M&M's, a concoction that can only be completed by whipped cream.

I love coming to these parties but I really wish they would pick better music. Would it kill them to play something current? These one note tunes drive me insane The DJ is an elderly man with a neon orange button down, black slacks and a green fedora. Considering he looks like he is stuck in the 80s I doubt he will have any Backstreet Boys songs in his collection. “Do you take any requests?” I ask him. Maybe I’ll get lucky. And I do! You know how in the movies the crowd seems to disappear right before the hero or heroine is about to see something spectacular? Well, before the DJ can answer me I see standing against the bar, in glistening black and white perfection, is Jamie!

As he catches my eye I smile and signal for him to join me at the table. With a gleeful leap he strolls toward me looking like James Bond. Actually that’s his outfit! I shift up in my seat, adjust the headband ears and throw my fork crashing onto the plate. My heart is fluttering and I swear I am going to pass out and I am very aware of the fact that I might have food stuck in my teeth.

“Excuse me Miss, I don’t mean to disrupt your dinner but I was just over by the bar and couldn’t help but notice that you’re alone tonight,” Jamie says placing his drink on the table. He’s stammering which means he’s nervous too. I’m glad I’m not the only one. “I had to know why on earth a beautiful mouse like yourself is alone at a party as spectacular as this.”

I have two choices, I can either allow my pride to get the best of me or I can do what I have been dying to do since he stormed out the night of our fight.

              “Well, I had a date but he got so wasted on catnip that the bouncer had to haul him out of here” I reply.

I’ve never been very good with sarcasm or flirting for that matter. But no matter what I say it is going to come out sounding really stupid.

“Well my gain then,” Jamie says sliding into the seat across from me.

It’s obvious that neither one of us wants to bring up that awful night. It was our first fight and we had promised one another that we’d never fight over stupid things but that was exactly what we did. I’ve never had a serious relationship before and any time Charlie and I fought the fights always dwindled away like receding water after a rain shower.

“So, no brace tonight?” Jamie asks, taking a sip of his drink.

              “Nope!” I cheer. “It’s a special occasion so my parents said I could leave it off. I look so much nicer without it right?” I slide off the chair and do a little spin so Jamie can see the entire outfit.

              “You
always
look beautiful, April, brace or no brace.”

Sitting back down, unsure as to where I am going or why I am speaking, I say, “Jamie, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to force you to come to this.”

“Stop,” Jamie says placing his
hand on
mine. “You have nothing to apologize for. I was the idiot. I should have put my own stubbornness aside in the first place,” he rubs my cheek with the back of his hand, which is wet from sweat. “I don’t know what came over me the other night either. It doesn’t make sense, I know and it didn’t take me long to realize how idiotic I was being so I ran out, rented a tux, and decided that instead of calling you I would show up all James Bond style.”

              “Well if you ask me, James Bond has nothing on you.”

Jamie grabs my arm and slides me off the chair so quickly I nearly fall. It’s strange but I feel closer to him than I ever have and I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the
make ups
after fights will always feel this special.

“I love you, April.” He presses his cheek against mine so his lips are just barely touching my ears. I feel a shiver and the warmth of his breath against my skin.

“You know how I feel, Jamie.” I reply and pull him in and allow the music to carry us away.