The Truth About Fairy Tales (30 page)

             
“You want to rest for a while?” he asked me, but I only shook my head. I didn’t want to be alone.

             
“No, no, I don’t.”

             
“Then come downstairs. I made a fire for you.” I dressed in drab gray sweats that matched my mood and wished that I could cry at just how thoughtful he was being to me. It was still warm in Austin, but he’d made a fire and turned the AC up just because he knew how much I loved them.

             
I sat in front of it staring into its depths while Jackson poured me a glass of wine.

             
“I didn’t know. How could I not know I was pregnant? I mean you’re supposed to feel something, aren’t you?”

             
I turned to look at him and saw the tenderness that was always there when he looked at me. He touched my hair, his hand, warm and strong, lingered there.

             
“Not always…it was too soon, little bit. I’m sorry, I know you’re hurting.”

             
There was just a small catch to his voice, but it was enough to make me look at him more closely.

             
“What about you? Are you hurting? Did you want this baby, too?” I saw it in his eyes—those beautiful blue eyes—long before he could speak the words.

             
“Yes…I never realized it until today. Until…” Until I’d lost the baby.

             
“Oh, Jackson, I’m so sorry. I’ve only been thinking about me. I never considered you might be hurting as well. I’m so sorry.” He gathered me close and we held each other for a long time that night, each comforting the other.

             
“We’ve never talked about children before. Do you want more children?”

             
His smile reached out to me, even though I still leaned against his chest. “Only with you, little bit. I’ve never really thought about things like marriage and babies before I met you. I want them all with you.”

             
“What if I can’t give them to you? You heard Doctor Raymond…”

             
“Maggie…don’t. Doctor Raymond said there really isn’t any reason to believe we can’t have children. Honey, if it’s not meant to be then we’ll adopt. Or we’ll just be happy together. I want to share my life with
you
. That means whatever comes our way. I love you, Maggie—only you.”

             
I believed him, but I desperately wanted to give him all the things that he wanted. After all, I loved this man. I’d do anything in the world to make him happy.

             
I didn’t want to believe that I couldn’t have children with Jackson. I knew Miranda would be so disappointed in me for giving into my fears, but I kept remembering my mother. She’d had a miscarriage and wasn’t able to have any further children. What if I was like my mother. Of course, my logical self reminded me that my mother had abused her body—I wasn’t like my mother, still, the fear remained no matter how logical I tried to be.

             
I didn’t know how to tell my friends about the baby. Especially Genna. I wasn’t sure how to face her and not want to cry.

             
Jackson, being my knight in shining armor, did it all for me. He’d called them all, along with my mother and Gran and let them know for me. He stayed home from work with me the next day and we grieved together. We held each other and wept for the loss of our first child. 

             
“Jackson, I want to go see my mom. Maybe for the weekend? I could stay with her and see Gran. You could come up on Saturday?”

             
We were sitting in the kitchen the following morning eating breakfast. Sidney had taken his usual place in my lap. “Is that what you want?” I nodded, unable to explain this need in me. “Then of course you should go.”

             
“But you’ll come up on Saturday, won’t you?” It hit me that this would be the first time we’d been apart in months.

             
“Of course. I’ll fly in and you can pick me up at the airport. How does that sound?” I told him it sounded as if he really loved me.

             
“You sure you’re up to driving? If you want, I can take off and go with you?”

             
“No…” The poor man had worked so hard lately. The company was currently working on breaking into the larger supercomputing field. “No, you’re so busy at work and this time will be good for me. The drive will give me time alone. I know I’m hard to deal with right now. But you’ll come on Saturday.”

             
“You know I will.” Jackson knew when to hold me tight and when to let me go off on my own. “Everything is going to be okay. Nothing is going to hurt you ever again. I won’t let it.”

             
He’d made me smile for the first time since losing the baby. I hugged him close. “I’m so lucky to have you. You have any idea how much I love you.”

             
“Really? Well, then it’s time you did something for me, don’t you think?”

             
I watched him for a moment and realized he was right. It was time. I wasn’t even sure what I was waiting for. I loved him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him alone. It still surprised me that he wasn’t running away scared by me and my crazy family.

             
“Come up Saturday and we’ll talk about setting a date, okay?”

             
Jackson grinned from ear to ear. “I’m holding you to that. I’ll be taking your little rust bucket into work tomorrow because frankly, I don’t want you to drive it around town, much less all the way to Santa Anna. You know I’m loaded right? I could buy you another car—anything you want.”

             
At that comment, some of my old self returned. No way was I letting any man buy me a car. I had money—I’d buy my own stuff. “Yes, I know you’re loaded, Mr. Riley, but I don’t happen to need your money and I certainly don’t need you to buy me a car. Anyway, I like my little rust bucket. But if you insist, of course I’ll take the Mercedes. Even though it will be a struggle driving around town in that ridiculously expensive car of yours. What will people think?”

             
“There goes the girl with the rich boyfriend?”

             
Jackson left for work the following morning in my little rusty car. Even though I might not admit it to him, it'd definitely seen its better days.

             
I called my mother and told her I was coming. She understood my need. Gran had been a little more difficult to face. She didn’t know how to make it better for me.

             
The drive to Santa Anna was the best thing in the world for me. I spent the hours going over every little thing that Miranda had told me. Even though there was still that small part of me that was afraid, the strong common sense Maggie knew we’d be okay. Jackson and I would be okay no matter what happened.

             
I went to see my mom first. I needed the quiet comfort of someone who had been there. We spent the day in her backyard drinking tea with the passel of cats from the neighborhood that she fed and cared for and I was happy.

             
“You are nothing like me, honey. Don’t go thinking you’ll never be able to have any more babies. Listen to your doctor. I spent most of my life abusing my body. It was just too much for my system to overcome. You aren’t like that. I know how hard it is to lose a child. I understand your hurt better than anyone does. You’ll have lots of people tell you everything will be okay. That you just have to move on and forget about it, but you and Jackson both have to give yourself time to grieve for your child. You lost a part of you—your child. It’s a death of part of you and it has to be properly grieved."

             
“Poor Jackson, I just left him when he probably needed me the most. I’m so terrible to him, Mom.”

             
“Oh, honey, you are not. That man loves you and he’s lucky to have you. You’re lucky to have him as well. He’s just the right man for you. I couldn’t imagine anyone better. I’m so glad you didn’t find one of those namby-pamby boys that would let you boss them around and lead them by the nose. The Monroe women have always been strong willed women. Those types would last about a day with us. You’d have outgrown someone like that in a minute. Jackson won’t let you bully him, but he knows when to hold his tongue as well. I noticed that right away.”

             
“I love him so much, Mom, and he wants to marry me. Can you believe that? Little Maggie Monroe from Santa Anna married to one of the richest men in Austin. Jackson is just so easy to be with; I’m so lucky to have him. He wants to set a date for our wedding and I want to now. I want to marry him more than anything else in the world, mom, but I’m so afraid something is going to come along and take it all away from me. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and find that none of this is real.”

             
"Oh, Maggie, that’s my fault. I never gave you the stability you so desperately needed. Even though your grandmother tried, I know it was hard. Sometimes, honey, you have to just step out on blind faith and go for it. Hope for the best. There are no guarantees in life, no matter who you are. If you have someone who loves you and will be there with you through it all, you can’t really ask for anything else. Don’t let go of him, and don’t keep him waiting too long.”

             
I left my mother late that afternoon with the promise that she and Fred would come have dinner at Gran’s the following night.

             
The second I parked the car at my grandmother’s little house, she and Lee were taking me in their arms and searching in their innocent way to find something to say to bring me comfort.

             
“Jackson called,” my grandmother told me once we were settled down in her kitchen over coffee and chocolate cake. My favorite.

             
“Really? Is he okay?” I’d become so worried about him once I’d finally come to my senses and realized that I wasn’t the only one hurting here. “I’m going to call him to make sure.”

             
Gran took one look at me and nodded.

             
“Is everything okay?” He barely got his hello out before I was ambushing him. My fear must have been evident, even through all the miles that separated us, because he was trying to reassure me.

             
I’d called him when I arrived at mom’s to let him know I’d made it and I’d spoken to him several times during the drive, but this was the first time we’d been apart in months and I found myself lost and almost floundering without him there.

             
“Honey, I’m fine. I was just letting Lee and Sarah know when I was arriving. Everything’s fine here.”

             
“Are
you
fine? How was your day? Are you doing okay?”

             
“I’m okay, little bit. I’m more worried about you. I’ll be okay. We’ll get through this together. But I know it’s tough.”

             
“Mom says it’s normal to grieve like this. I mean, after all, we’ve lost a child haven’t we? Even though we weren’t prepared for it or expecting it, it still hurts doesn’t it?”

             
“Yes, it does. I can’t wait to see you, Maggie. I miss you already. Tell everyone hello for me and I’ll see them soon, okay?”

             
I was smiling so much that I’m sure my grandmother and Lee were wondering what I’d been up to. I had two pieces of chocolate cake that night. It never tasted better.

             
By eight o’clock, I was pooped. I’d been going like crazy all day and I only wanted to collapse in bed. I felt as if I could quite possibly sleep for days. But alone in my tiny little bed, I missed Jackson more than I would ever have believed possible. The old Maggie would have scoffed at this, but this new gal was missing my guy.

             
With everyone else in the house, including Sidney sleeping, I decided to take myself out to my old hiding place for some fresh air.

             
I might not be suffering from nightmares any longer, but I sure was suffering from a bad case of lovesickness.

             
The Texas night came alive all around me with the music no symphony could ever duplicate. The crickets were just as much a part of the Texas summer night as the scent of a fresh mown yard or summer flowers on the night breeze. My grandmother’s honeysuckle bushes were in full bloom by now. Their fragrance filled the humid night.

             
Tonight my hiding place held no more fear or insecurities. Perhaps a touch of sadness, but mostly my thoughts were happy ones. I thought about my future. I truly wanted to marry Jackson. I was missing him more than ever when I heard the sound of my name close by.

             
I turned back to see the silhouette against the light of my bedroom of the man that had occupied my thoughts since I’d left him that morning.