The Truth About Love (25 page)

Sitting on the floor, I looked up at him.  “I like this guy.  It hasn’t been long though.  I worry you’ll mess up again, like last time.”

Shane nodded.  “It’s a valid concern, but I’m not going to.  I can’t.  I have too much to lose.  I’ve experienced life without you and Kylie.  It’s empty.  It’s not what I want.”  Smiling at me, he added, “I’m losing out on life by not being the man I should be.”

I pursed my lips as I considered his words.  “Then we need to talk to our lawyers about lifting the Order of Protection.”  I watched his reaction.  The man positively beamed.

“You mean it?”  His eyes glistened as he spoke.

“Yeah.  I do.”  I glanced at the time on my cell phone.  “You should call your guy now.  Then we’ll figure out what to do from there.”

While I fed Kylie and dressed her for the day, Shane made his phone call.  “He’s setting a court date.  He’ll call me right back.”  By the time we had finished and were ready to check out, Shane had received his return call.  “Not until next Wednesday.”  He frowned.  “I don’t know how to be away from you for another five days.  I really don’t.”

I smiled.  “Then let’s not.”

Grinning, he leaned back against the couch.  “What do you have in mind?”

“Let’s go away until the court date.  Let’s spend some serious time together working on our relationship and focusing on our future.”  I shrugged and waited for a reaction.

“That’s a perfect idea.  Where do you want to go?”  His eyes widened in anticipation.

“How about where it all began?”  I winked at him and waited for him to catch on.

“Myrtle Beach?  You want to go in January?”  His voice sounded incredulous.

“No one will be there.”  I pointed out.  “We’ll have the place to ourselves.  We can go cheap, nothing fancy, try out one of the hotels we haven’t stayed at before.”

Shane tugged as his beard while he considered my idea.  Finally he nodded his head.  “Yeah.  Pick the place.  Make the arrangements.”  He stood and reached out to help me up off the floor.  “Two vehicles?” 

“Nah.  Too much gas.  We should park your truck at an apartment complex on the outskirts of town.”  Bending, I picked up Kylie.  “Pack what you need.  I’ll go home, make the arrangements and repack for us.  I’ll text you when I’m leaving.  You tell me where to pick you up.”

“Okay.”  He seemed calmer knowing we weren’t going to be apart for long.  “Want help out to the vehicle?”

“Nah.  We should leave separately.”  I reached out and we were soon in a group hug.  “See you soon.”

Chapter Twenty-four

  When I arrived at the house, I was happy to discover the neighbors were at work.  I didn’t want to deal with Evan and Lola at the moment.  It was time to focus on being happy.  It took me all of an hour to accomplish everything I’d set out to do.  After feeding Kylie, I’d made hotel arrangements.  We’d be staying at Captain’s Quarters.  Off-season rates made it very affordable to have an angle oceanfront king suite.  In the meantime, Shane had sent a text to let me know he where to meet him on the way out of town.  Once I had the vehicle packed, I sent him a message telling him I was on my way.

Apparently that wasn’t good enough because soon we were talking on the phone.  “Know what?”  I commented randomly. 

“What?”  He seemed in particularly good spirits.

“I’ve missed this.  Even before we split up, we’d stopped talking to one another.  I never want this part to end.”  I sighed happily.  In her car seat, Kylie had begun to nod off, giving me hopes of a painless drive.

“I know.  I’m sorry about that.”  He sighed.  “Since we’re on the subject, wanna tell me what else you want.  We need to do it right this time.”

It took me a moment to consider where to begin.  While we’d been apart, I’d had a chance to discover what mattered.  “Celebrating life.”  I began seriously.  “It matters.  I want to acknowledge every holiday and birthday, even yours.  I want parties and gatherings.  I want a house filled with love and laughter.”  Then I remembered something I should mention.  “For example, in February, Brynn and Allen are having their wedding reception at our house.”  I braced myself, almost glad we weren’t in the same vehicle.  His response would be very telling. 

“A wedding reception.”  He seemed to be marveling at the idea.  “I like it.  That’ll be wonderful.” 

I exhaled.  “Whew.”

“You were scared to tell me?”  He acted surprised. 

“Whether you know it or not, you haven’t been one to celebrate much.  Even though when we first started dating, yours was the house where we held every gathering, enjoyed every holiday no matter how obscure…

“Ah, yes, how can I forget National Chocolate Day?”  He laughed.

“Hey, I don’t recall any objections to the chocolate fondue.”  I reminded him.

“It was my anxiety.”  He spoke quietly, almost as if in shame.  “I could barely stand to be around people.  The alcohol had been liquid courage.  Then I had to stop drinking.  The pills never had the same effect.  Now, I’m more level, calmer.”

“I can tell.  These meds seem to be working miracles.”  I made the last turn into the apartment complex he’d directed me to.  Around the first turn, I found him, backed into a parking spot, facing me.  “Hey, there you are.”

We ended the call then.  I pulled in next to him.  In minutes, he had moved his bag into the cargo bay of the SUV and had taken over the driving while I’d moved to the passenger seat after adjusting Kylie’s blanket.

“Looks like we’ll be able to talk more.”  He jerked his head toward our sleeping baby.  “I want you to know how serious I am about fixing things.  If you want to celebrate life, we’ll celebrate life.  God knows I’m feeling much better about everything these days.”  He reached over and laid a hand on my thigh.  “So what would you like to discuss now?”

Reaching down to the floor, I picked up the marriage therapy course we’d purchased online this past spring after our last cruise.  Already we were having issues and I’d been determined to fix them.  At the time, Shane wasn’t interested.  “
I was thinking that we should get working on this.”  I commented as I studied him for a reaction.

Shane nodded. “Good idea.  Let’s do it.”

Opening the workbook on my lap, I looked for the course outline to dictate our progress.
 
According to the syllabus, we needed to do the workbook pieces then listen to a CD.  I started by reading aloud the first exercise.  It had me nervous already.  “How do I know the person I married is the right one?”

All of our relationship, I’d felt Shane had lingering feelings for one of his exes.  Now, I would probably know for sure.
  “
So we are supposed to start by talking about the reasons we fell in love.”  I folded my hands nervously on top of the workbook.

“That’s easy.”  Shane began.  “You are smart, funny, kind, great with words, ambitious…”

My cheeks flushed as his list grew.  “Hmm. I guess that was easy.  Want to know why I fell in love with you?”

He nodded and looked at me a split second longer than normal.  “Well, I loved that we were such a team, right from the start.  In past relationships, I felt like it was me against the world, but from the moment we met and started dating, I felt supported.  We always worked so well together.”

“Actually, that’s something I always appreciated about us too.”  Shane beamed.

This conversation, the ease with which we were discussing, strengthened my ability to continue. “Also, you have this huge heart, but what’s even better is that it is such a secret part of you.  I’m the only one you’ve ever really shared this much with.  I’m the only one who gets the best of you.”

I took a deep breath.  We had survived the first exercise.
  “
So the next part is about our past relationships.  How many times have we been in love?  How long did the love last, not the relationship?  And what ended it?”

There was a very brief pause.  I guess I felt since Shane had started first last time that I’d go this time.
“Well...I don’t think I was even in love with my ex for the bulk of our relationship.  It was just convenient.  And he was fun...until he wasn’t.  There was my college boyfriend.  We thought we’d be together forever, but he did a study abroad and decided to extend his stay.  That ended us.  Ummm.  And I guess that other than that, there was my high school boyfriend.”  

Shane tilted his head.  “The guy you lost your virginity to?”

“Yup.  He ended up being too possessive.  That ended that.”  I looked at him for a moment.  “I guess that’s why it was so easy for me to love you.  I had been ready to be in love for so long and you just made it so easy.”  

Shane laughed.  “I can be very charming.”

I snickered.
  “
That’s not it.”

He looked bewildered.  “What?  I’m not charming?  Then why do all my exes want me back?”

For the first time ever, it didn’t feel like an argument or a challenge.  Shane seemed genuinely curious as I explained.  “The same reasons all your friends want to sleep with me.  The ungettable get.  Being around you, having you call or text or spend time with you...it feels like winning some medal.  That’s why they keep trying.”  

“Huh.”  He stared off in thought.

It was the opportune time to bring up all the exes...by name.
  “
I know for a long time you thought you’d end up with Vanna.  Were you in love with her?”

“Oh, I was in love with her.  I may never get over her.”  He nodded emphatically.

My heart sank.  It was just what I thought all along.

“The thing is, I know we can never be together, never be happy in a relationship.  She made me miserable.  If it had gone on longer, I would have hated her.  She was too inconsistent, too flirty.  I could never be married to anyone who had slept with my friends.  Who wants that, someone knowing what their wife is like?  I sure don’t.  That’s one of the
many
reasons I chose you.”

Suddenly my heart started to float.  All those broken pieces, they couldn’t be put back together again, but maybe they didn’t have to for us to make it.  Maybe the wrecking ball that crashed through our life was supposed to happen.  Maybe we were meant to start fresh, build from the ground up.  That’s what we seemed to be doing.  I smiled at him...big and real.  “I really do love you.”

Shane reached out and squeezed my hand.  “Nina, there’s no one else I could do this with, no one who compliments me so well.  There’s no one of all the women I’ve known that I could have married, that I would want to be with forever.  Just you.  Only you.”

That was what I needed to hear.  I wanted to bask in the joy of the moment, but I felt the need to press on.  I read over the syllabus.  The next exercise was even easier.
  “
Now we’re supposed to talk about our relationship goals.”

“Simple.”  He smiled at me.  “We’ve been talking about moving.  After the stroke, your mom needs us closer.  I think it’s a sign that we’re supposed to leave, move to Florida.  I want you to trust me again.  Think you can do that?”

I studied him for a moment.  It was an incredibly serious question.  In the long run, it wouldn’t matter how much I loved him if there was no trust.  Ultimately, it was as big a part of the foundation as love.  When we first started dating, I believed he would never hurt me, never cheat on me, and never break the heart I had so willingly given completely to him.

Over the years, we had some issues, there have been some breaches in that oh so important trust.  Ultimately, I believed he could redeem himself.  Bit by bit, day by day, he was doing it.  We were doing it, slowly healing.

Tilting my head to the side, I considered his words.  “Yeah.  I think so.  I have some fears, but who wouldn’t?”  

Sighing loudly, he shook his head.
“
Babe…”

“Just listen.”  I urged.

He nodded before I decided to continue.

“I felt like you’ve had one foot out the door our entire relationship.  I felt like you weren’t really in this, like you loved me, but not enough for forever.  You’ve been so unhappy.”

“That’s my nature.”  He explained.  “These days, I’m getting happier.  You must have noticed.”

“I did.  And I also noticed the kind of life you were leading while we were apart.”

“I told you that I would only marry one woman...ever.  It’s you.  I picked you.”  He seemed frustrated.  I waited for him to bite on his finger, but instead he frowned.

“Yeah.  You did.”  I sighed.  “Then the minute we were apart, you went and hooked up with everyone you ever dated.”  I stared out the window for a moment.

“It’s not what you think.”  He began sadly.  “I was so lonely, so hurt.”

I turned to him, my eyes flaring.  “You were hurt.”

“Yeah, crazy, right?”  He nodded, a sad smile played on his lips.  “I tried to convince myself there was nothing special about you.  You were just like any other one of the girls I’d been with before.”  He swallowed hard.  “Only the more I hung out with them, the more I realized how unique and wonderful you were.”  He grinned as he reminisced.  “Several of them are pretty pissed about being constantly compared to my Nina.”   He brought my hand to his lips and grazed my knuckles with a kiss.  “There’s only you.”  He sat quietly a moment, squeezing my hand.  “Do you need to know what happened while we were apart?  I’m asking because if it were me, I might want to know every damn detail.  I’ll tell you if it will make you feel better.”

I considered his offer.  In the past, I’d have wanted to know.  Now, I wasn’t so sure.  I could hear my mother’s voice in my head.  I wanted to be happy.  It was time to let it all go.  Finally, I shook my head.  “No.  We weren’t together.  You didn’t technically cheat on me.”

Squeezing my hand all the more tightly, he urged us along.  “So, what’s the next exercise?”

I read it before sharing it with him.  It helped me to paraphrase it, since he lacked the attention span to internalize lengthy paragraphs audibly.
  “Funny that you just brought this up. 
This exercise is on trust.”
  I inhaled deeply.  “
Okay, so...trust isn’t about trust at all, it’s about reliability.  When we trust each other, it is really just another way of saying that we can count on each other.”

A hurt looked washed over his face.  “Are you saying you can’t count on me?”
 
His eyebrows were raised in surprise.  Given his tendency to believe he was the best at everything, I could see why he felt like he did.

“In the past?  Not really, no.”  His face clouded over, still I pressed on to explain.
  “Too often,
you tell me you are doing one thing, but do another.  Remember the night you went to get dinner and decided to be all sneaky and pick up a script you knew you shouldn’t have?”  

Opening his mouth, he started to object, but closed it as I raised a finger.

“When you say you are going to do something, I should be able to believe it.  I should be able to count on that.  It wasn’t so long ago you left the house, told me you were running to the store and hit two drug stores instead before wrecking our life.”  

Frowning, he nodded.
  “
Are you going to ever let this go?”

“If I couldn’t let anything go, I’d be long gone, but I’m not.  I’m here.  I had my out.  We’ve been living apart.  Instead, I’m giving you a chance.”

“Right.  I see that.”  He nodded, but the sadness hadn’t left his eyes.

“So, I need to be able to count on you.  I need to feel like I matter, like Kylie and I are first in your life, your priority.”  I glanced back at our sleeping baby.  

For a while he was silent.  Obviously my words had some impact on him.  We drove for a while as he thought about our conversation.  Finally, as we neared the hotel, he spoke.  “What will it take for you to trust me, to know you can count on me?”