The Truth About Love (22 page)

“Good.  Me neither.”

We had been working virtually non-stop for three hours in the morning when there was a knock on my door.  At first I was confused, then I saw Kylie’s speech therapist, Kendra.  “Wow.  I forgot.  That’s twice this week.  I suck.  Sorry.  Come in.”

She looked at me with wide eyes.  “Have much caffeine today?”

Pinching the air with my fingers, I joked.  “Just a bit.”  Then I smiled.  “Working on a new project.  It has me all excited.”

“Good.”  She hugged me.  “I know it has been rough lately.”  She walked over to the carpet where Kylie sat playing with toys.  “How’s my girl?”  Kylie grinned and struggled to stand.  Then she took a few tentative steps.

“Look at you!  Next stop…eating!”  Kendra set her bag on the ground and pulled out graham crackers.  “Let’s try this.”

They worked together on eating and some sign language for the next forty minutes.  As Kendra packed up to leave, she turned to me.  “Listen, I’m not giving up.  I don’t want you to think that.”

I sat hard on the end of the love seat.  “Go on.”

“It’s just that I have no idea where to go with this.  I’ve exhausted all my resources.”  She walked closer.  “You may want to talk to some other preemie moms.  See if you can get some ideas.”  She shrugged.  “It’s a suggestion.”

Standing, I nodded.  “I’ll ask around.  We’ll figure something out.  I refuse to believe she’ll be tube dependent forever.”

“She’ll eat.” 

Laughing, I knew where this was going.  “In Kylie time, right?”

“Exactly.”  We hugged and then I let her out the door and locked it behind her. 

Worn out from her feeding therapy, Kylie’s eyelids were drooping.  By the time I prepared her tube feeding and hooked her up, she was yawning.  After pushing her meds through her tube, I laid her in her crib and started the pump to fill her belly.  As soon as she was settled, I snuck back out to the great room and opened up my Facebook account.  I hoped to reach out to a preemie mom friend.  Her daughter had recently completed a feeding program out of state. I wanted to know which one so I sent her a message.  Ginny responded quickly.

Ginny: We went to Atlanta, Marcus Institute.  They were amazing.  Call them!

Immediately, I looked them up online.  I found their phone number, downloaded their packet, and prepared to contact them.  After just two short rings, a woman answered.  “Marcus Institute, how may I direct your call?”

“I’m trying to get my daughter into your program.  I downloaded the packet.  I guess I just need more information.”

I heard her inhale deeply.  “The program has a long wait list, so get your information in as quickly as possible.  It’s a six week intensive therapy program.  Patients stay off campus in hotels.”

At the thought of a six-week hotel bill, I cringed.  “Okay.  Anything else?”

“Yes, you’ll be called for an evaluation in advance.  It will take a couple of hours.”

“No problem.  We’re only four hours away.”  Compared to the trip to Florida, this would seem like nothing.  “Thank you for answering my questions.  I’ll get the packet in as soon as possible.”

As soon as I ended the call, I started filling out the paperwork.  There was a page for our pediatrician, so I called them and warned I was faxing a paper for them to fill out and asked them to return it to me as soon as possible.  To my surprise, I had everything completed by the end of the day and faxed it to the number on the website.  It felt good, like I had actually accomplished something.  Writing had helped too.

Before I knew it, I’d started searching for other ways I could help Kylie improve.  I checked out the Facebook group for preemie moms.  A lot of them posted about therapies they had their babies involved in outside of the normal physical therapy.  One mom began to share how much improved her daughter had been since starting swimming lessons.  Kylie loved water.  I did an Internet search to see what was available locally.  The first place which popped up was Little Otter Swim School.  The prices were reasonable.  So I took a chance and signed her up online. 

Within half an hour, I had a confirmation and Kylie would be starting swimming lessons the next day.  It was exciting and scary all at once.  After all, I’d have to get in a bathing suit and participate in the classes. 

At six in the evening, my phone rang.  It was my old lawyer.  “I’m calling to check on you,” he began.

“We’re hanging in there.”  I’d been so upbeat and excited a few minutes ago and this forced me to think about all the negatives in my life.

He cleared his throat.  “Well, I promised I’d call with recommendations for divorce attorneys…unless you already found someone.”

“No.”  I sighed.  “I pretty much shut down after that last hearing.  The denial is strong.”

He laughed.  “Well, you’re stronger.  Call Lindsay Miller.  She’s great.  She uses a sliding scale.  And she takes payments.”

“Thank you.  I appreciate this.”  Even though I knew her office would be closed, I called to leave a message so I didn’t forget to call in the morning.  After all, we’d be pretty busy with our first swimming lesson.

On Friday morning, Lily came over with Isaac.  We had a big day of cookie making planned.  The kids were set up with toys in the great room while we worked on making cookie batter in the kitchen. 

“You know,” Lily commented, “you look great.”

Smiling at her, I nodded slightly.  “I’m trying really hard.  Every day is a little easier, until something happens to derail my progress.  The other day it was a call from the lawyer, which merely reminded me I was getting a divorce and had lost the man I’d always considered to be my soul mate.”

Her eyes suddenly turned sad.  “I bet.  Still, let’s talk about the good stuff.”

My smile widened.  “Well, we had our first swimming lesson the other day.”  I loved building the suspense.  “Kylie loved it!  She even went under water for a few seconds.  It was amazing.”

“That’s wonderful!  I’ve heard such good things about kids and swimming lessons.  Wish I could do that with Isaac.”  She grumbled. 

Before I could respond, the phone rang.  Frowning, I hesitated to answer since I didn’t recognize the number.  “Hello?”

“This is Ashley from the Marcus Institute.  We spoke the other day.”

“Oh, yes.  Did you receive all the paperwork I faxed?”  I bit my lip in anticipation while Lily watched.

“We did.”  She took a breath.  “Now, we’re wondering if you’d be interested in being part of a free week long study using our feeding techniques.”

I didn’t even have to hesitate.  “Yes!  When?”  I grabbed Lily’s wrist as I danced around.

“We have an opening next week.”  She was silent a moment. 

Releasing Lily, I walked over to the desk.  “So the week before Christmas?”

‘Yes, you’d be home in time for the holiday.” 

“We’ll do it.  Thank you!”  It took everything in me not to squeal. 

“Watch your email.  I’ll send you all the details.”

As soon as I ended the call, Lily asked, “What was that all about?”

“Kylie and I are going to Atlanta on Monday!  She’s going to be in a week long feeding study!”

Together, we jumped up and down.  This would be huge for Kylie.  Then I remembered, it could be huge for me too.  “Gimme just a minute.  I have to text Jules.” 

Lily looked confused.  “What for?”

“Oh, I forgot to mention we’re writing a book together.”  Then I picked up the phone and sent the message.

Me: Guess what?!  Next week I’ll be in Atlanta!  We can work together at my hotel at night if you want. 

Though I didn’t expect to hear anything so soon, my phone quickly chimed.

Julia: Sounds awesome! We’ll work out the details later tonight.

When I turned my attention back to the cookie baking, I caught Lily smiling at me.  “What?”  I wondered what she was thinking.

“Have you noticed?”

Suddenly, I felt even more confused.  “Noticed what?”

She crossed her arms over her chest as she faced me.  “Look at you.  Shane is gone.  If my marriage had ended, I’d be curled up in a ball in a corner, but you’re making a better life for yourself and Kylie.”

“Oh no.  I’m just faking it.”  I assured her.

Shaking her head, she added, “Nope, you’re making it.  You’re doing all these things I don’t think you’d be doing if Shane were still around.”  She started ticking items off on her fingers.  “You’re writing a book.  Kylie has started swimming lessons.  You’re working on getting her eating by mouth.”  She exhaled.  “I’m so happy for you.  You’re strong again.”

I turned away then.  The hardest part was admitting how right she was.  None of this would be happening if Shane and I were still together.  Worse, if I were to be honest, it wasn’t his fault.  It was mine.  Somehow, in the years we’d been together, I’d put all my needs and wants behind his.  I’d worked so hard to make sure everything was perfect for him; I had nothing left for me.  While I did it, without ever talking to him, I told myself we all made sacrifices for love.  It’s still true.  We do.  Love is about sacrifice, but I never should’ve given up who I am.

“You’re so strong.  In a year, you’ll be untouchable.  No one will ever be able to break you down.”  She walked closer and hugged me.  “Love you, doll face.”

“Love you too.”  Her admiration made me uncomfortable.  “Let’s get baking.”

Chapter Twenty-one

Kylie and I drove to Atlanta Sunday afternoon, rather than leave at four in the morning on Monday in order to make our nine o’clock appointment.  It was a good plan.  I’d found a decent hotel with a breakfast buffet.  There was a fridge, microwave, and a stovetop in the room so I wouldn’t have to eat out all the time.  Best of all, there was a table and chairs, too, which would double as my office away from home. 

It became an easy routine.  We’d spend the day at the feeding clinic.  Kylie started eating immediately.  They had some amazing techniques.  I’d sit on the other side of the glass and watch, tears streaming down my face as she opened her mouth and swallowed food for her therapist.  Then at four in the afternoon, we’d be done for the day.  I’d go back to the hotel room, eat dinner, get Kylie to bed, and Jules would come over and write with me for two or three hours.  We were knocking out at least five thousand words a night. 

By Wednesday, I felt like a new woman.  We were fifty thousand words into the book.  Kylie had survived three solid days of eating.  We only had to do one tube feeding a day to ensure she had enough liquid in her, since they weren’t working on drinking.  As I drove back to the hotel, my phone rang.  It was a Charlotte number, so I answered it without thinking. 

“Is this Nina Powers?”  I almost recognized the voice. 

“Yes it is.”

“Okay, this is David Michaels, your husband’s attorney.”

I froze.  Though I’d only had one brief conversation with my new lawyer, Lindsay, I felt certain they should be speaking and leaving me out of it.  “Do you need my lawyer’s number?”

“Actually, no.  I was hoping to talk to you for a moment.”

“I’m not sure we should be speaking.  I don’t trust you.  You work for him.”  My stomach churned as I spoke.  Any time I had to think about court or Shane, my body reacted violently.

“I understand.  I promise you can trust me.”  There was nothing but silence for a moment as he waited for some response from me.

“I hear what you’re saying, but in my experience, the more people try to convince me to trust them, the less worthy they are of this trust.”  I swallowed hard and hoped he’d decide to speak to my attorney.

“Well, what if I just explain why I’m calling.”  He cleared his throat.  “So I just finished talking with Shane.  He has expressed an interest in reconciling.” 

I inhaled sharply and covered my mouth with my hand. 

The lawyer continued.  “I’m not one of
those
lawyers.  If I can help you two reconcile, I’d be happy.  Would you?”

“I…I don’t know.”   I admitted.  “You have to understand my concerns.  He may say he wants to reconcile, but he’s out with all his old girlfriends.  He’s sleeping with them.  He’s partying.  He’s doing drugs.”  I choked on my tears.  “He’s worse than he was when we were together.”  I sniffled and wiped at my tears while I drove.  “Why would I want to take him back?”

“Shane says he loves and misses you and your daughter.”  His tone suddenly changed and he was back to wheeling and dealing.  “What would it take to get you two back together?”

I let out a hollow laugh.  “Seriously?  He’s not trying to get better.  He’s just going back to his old ways.  He couldn’t be farther from the husband and I want to be married to and share a life with, or from the father Kylie deserves.”

“Specifics.  What would it take?”  I could hear his pen drumming on paper.

“You want specifics.  Fine.  No more drugs.  He shouldn’t take anything not prescribed by the doctor at Billingsley.”  I sighed as I considered my perfect husband wish list.  “He’s supposed to be in a treatment program, working on anger management, dealing with his emotions.  So yeah, that.”  I shook my head, stunned to even be having this conversation.  “The basics.  Love, support, trust, team work.”  I mumbled.  “You know, just everything our marriage currently lacks.” 

After pulling into a parking space in front of our room, I stepped out of the vehicle and then removed Kylie.  I carried her into the room and set her down on the floor with some toys.  Finally, the dam burst.  I spewed out everything I’d been thinking.  “You know, in his absence, I’m finally building the life I’ve always wanted.  I never have to walk on eggshells worrying about his outbursts.  I don’t mind doing everything myself and at least I don’t have anyone working against me, making me miserable.”  I walked to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.  Suddenly my mouth felt incredibly dry.  After taking a sip, I continued.  “Kylie is in swimming lessons.  I’m writing a novel.  She’s in a feeding program.  Life is so calm.”  I shook my head in disgust.  “I don’t know if I could ever risk going back to the old life, taking back the old Shane.  I’d rather Kylie
come
from a broken home than
live
in one.”  The lawyer had been silent since I started my rant.

“I understand,” he murmured.  “I had no idea…”

“Trust me.  You still have no idea.  He wrecked the house and I still stood by him and tried to get him help.  It was a complete psychotic break, according to the doctor at Billingsley.”  I crossed an arm over my chest and gripped my shoulder.

“He said you set him up.”

Letting out a hollow laugh, I replied.  “He lied.”  I took another swallow from the Dasani bottle.  “I know he’s your client.  I love him.  I want the best for him, but I want the best for Kylie and me too.  Right now, he’s not it.”  I glanced at the clock on the nightstand.  This conversation had cost me precious time.  “I need to go.  It’s time for Kylie to eat.”

“Okay.  Well, if you don’t mind, I’ll let him know what you said.”  He sounded all business again.

“Of course.  Tell him everything.  I have nothing to hide.”  I meant it too.  Every last bit of it. 

Half an hour later, Jules arrived and noticed my dark mood.  “What happened?”  Her eyes were wide with concern.

Looking down at Kylie, playing on the floor I sighed.  “Shane’s lawyer called.  Apparently he wants to reconcile.”  I shrugged.  “I guess I’m a bit out of sorts.”

“You aren’t considering it, are you?”  She stepped back and stared at me almost angrily.  “Look at what you’ve been through.”

“I know.  It’s not that.  It’s everything.  Let’s get to work.  We’ve come so far.”  I gestured to our laptops set up on the table.  “We might be able to finish the book before I leave.  Or, I could stay another day if we’re close.”  I pasted a smile on my face, determined to find the happy in the moment and not let Shane rob my life of any more joy.

“You’d do that?”  She grinned. 

“What else do I have going on?  No one will be over until Christmas day.  I’m free to do what I want.  I packed plenty of supplies.”  I reasoned out anything which might have prevented me from following through.  Unfortunately, I failed to consider the one possibility that would throw a monkey wrench in everything.

On Thursday, after Kylie finished her second feeding, I laid her down for a nap like normal.  When she woke up early in the afternoon, I picked her up to cuddle her close and kissed her forehead.  To my surprise, it felt really warm, maybe even feverish.  There was a nurse’s office on site, so I carried Kylie there for a quick exam.

The nurse turned toward me as soon as I knocked on the door.  “Come in.”  She smiled at us.  “Who’s this little doll?”

“Meet Kylie, super preemie.  She’s here for the feeding program.  I’m worried she feels hot.  Could you please check her?” 

Even as I spoke, the nurse was reaching for this laser thermometer.  She aimed a beam at Kylie’s forehead.  In a second she had a reading of 102.6 degrees.  “Okay, I’m afraid she won’t be able to finish the program.  As you can imagine, we can’t have her infecting other kids.”

I nodded numbly.  We were four hours from home and all of her doctors.  Like an idiot, I hadn’t packed any Tylenol or Ibuprofen.  I had to be the worst mom ever.

She called the head of the program to let her know of Kylie’s illness while I packed up all of her belongings.  We had toys, books, and blankets there for her comfort.  All the while, my toddler wanted to cling to me. 

After exiting the institute, our first stop was at the grocery store.  I needed to get her some Pedialyte for her tube and both acetaminophen and ibuprofen for her fever.  Then I decided to go back to the hotel for the night.  On the way, I called Jules.  “Don’t come over.”  I ordered.

“Why not?” 

“Kylie has a fever.  You don’t need to bring anything home.”  From the back seat, my little one whimpered.  “Don’t worry, baby.  We’re gonna go back to the room and snuggle.”  Then I turned my attention back to Jules.  “We’ll be leaving in the morning.  If she still has a fever, I’ll take her to the children’s emergency room.  I don’t want to travel four hours with a medically unstable baby.”

“Good idea.”  Julia admitted.  “So we’ll take tonight off and play it by ear?”

“Yeah.  Kylie needs my undivided attention.”

“Absolutely.  Take care.” 

We said our goodbyes and I felt really comfortable with the plan.  Kylie being sick wasn’t unusual.  If I had a guess, she’d managed to get aspirational pneumonia from learning how to eat.  Everything we took for granted our whole lives had been work for her…breathing, eating, walking, talking, sitting…just to name a few. 

After I changed Kylie’s normal feed from formula to Pedialyte and once she’d been medicated and fallen asleep, I lay in bed beside her and played on the computer.  I had so many questions.  I had to know.  Opening Facebook, I sought out his page.  His status had remained as separated.  His page looked pretty much the same.  There was some vague booking about injustice, misunderstandings, and love lost.  I’m sure it was mostly directed at me.  On one old girlfriend’s page, there were pictures of them bowling with her friends.  She looked ecstatic.  He looked like he was ready to freak out, wildly uncomfortable.  I knew his looks.  On another old girlfriend’s page, he was building a fire for them to enjoy.  He looked happy about the fire.  She looked happy to be sharing it with him.

Then I looked at my page.  Picture after picture of our daughter, posts noting her accomplishments, or how cute she looked, or my positive quotes.  I was proud of the way I was living and raising Kylie.  The sting of seeing Shane’s new life began to melt away.

In the morning, Kylie was still battling a fever, still feeling lethargic.  As planned, I packed us up, loaded the car, and checked out of the hotel.  Our next stop was Scottish Rite Emergency Room.  In less than two hours, she’d been through triage, seen the doctor, had x-rays, and finally received the diagnosis I’d predicted.  What I didn’t know was our insurance didn’t cover out of state medical bills.  The emergency room would send a bill, but I had to come out of pocket over a hundred dollars for her antibiotics.  I had no choice.  I didn’t feel comfortable driving home without getting her started on meds. Once again, I had a chance to be grateful for my mother’s generosity.

I took my time on the four-hour drive, stopping periodically to check on my quiet baby.  I ran a feed of Pedialyte to keep her hydrated and made sure she had plenty of meds to keep her fever down and ensure her comfort.  Covered with a blanket, she relaxed in her car seat and slept most of the way.  Still, I couldn’t have been happier to return to the house in Charlotte.

Almost as soon as we pulled in, Lola wandered across the road.  “Where you been?”  She seemed to take it as a personal affront I hadn’t told her of our travel plans.

“Kylie was in a feeding study in Atlanta for the week.  She’s a big eating girl now!”  I announced proudly. 

Lola studied the sleeping baby on the couch.  “She doesn’t look so good.”

“That would be the pneumonia.”  I shook my head.  “It’s always something.”

“Oh, poor kid.”  She sighed.  “Shane has been telling everyone you ran off with some guy and his daughter.  He’s been losing his mind over your absence.”

My eyes rolled to the back of my head.  “Where would I find a man, or time for one?  Hell, why would I want anyone?  I’m doing just fine on my own.”  I crossed my arms over my chest.  “
We’re
doing just fine.”  I corrected.

“Yeah, you are.”  Lola punched me in the shoulder.  “Well, I’m glad you’re back.  I’ll spread the word you weren’t out searching for a sugar daddy.”  She laughed at her joke.

“Seriously, I don’t care what anyone thinks.  My life, my rules.”  I walked her to the door.  “Spread
that
word.”

By Christmas, my mood had improved and so had Kylie’s health.  I woke determined to make the day as perfect as possible for my baby and the family coming to share the holiday with us.  Brynn promised to be here with Max by noon.  At ten in the morning, my phone rang.

“Can I bring Allen with me?”  She sounded giddy and nervous all at once. 

“Of course.  It’s Christmas.  The more, the merrier.”  I tried to sound cheerful, but I couldn’t help but think how hard it was to be merry at all without my husband.  This was our first Christmas apart in five years.  The melancholy threatened to take hold, so I shook it off.  “Seriously, bring him.  I’m going to have more food than I know what to do with.”

“Good.”  She squealed.  Then she whispered.  “He moved back in.”

“I’m so happy for you,” I murmured.  It was the truth.  I really was happy for her, but I was also so sad for me.