The Truth About Love (18 page)

“Oh, okay.  Well, if you change your mind, just call and let me know.  I’ll make dinner.”  He stared at the floor, his brow furrowed.

“Sure.”
 
Then I picked up Kylie, walked into our bathroom, and made myself pretty.  When I came out, he narrowed his eyes at me.  

“All this for Target?”

“
This is what I always look like when I leave the house.  You just never pay attention.”  It was mostly true.  I picked up my purse, Kylie riding my hip and walked towards the door.  “I’ll be back.”  We didn’t kiss or hug, but it was still more of a goodbye than he’d given me earlier.

Shane was miserable.  I could feel it.  This gave me some perverse happiness.  Sometimes it was nice to turn the table on his hardheaded ass.
Before I made it off the street, I had called Evan.  He knew where I was going and I was covering my tracks.
  “
Please don’t tell Shane where I am.  He’s still mad at Lola for yelling at him when you dropped off the truck to Corinne and Joel’s.”

“You got it.  Have fun!”  Evan responded.

As I drove away, I realized I already felt better and different.  In the past, it was so difficult for me to leave Shane.  Maybe back then I was afraid of what he’d do unattended.  Now I didn’t care.  Honestly, I didn’t. If he wanted to mess things up, I was fine with moving on.  And if he wanted to keep me, it was going to take a hell of a lot more than he’d done so far.

Dinner was lovely.  Though we had planned to eat at Hickory Tavern, it was entirely too crowded.  Instead, we dined at Ruby Tuesday.  We were so relaxed it wasn’t until the waiter returned to ask about dessert I realized my phone had been uncharacteristically quiet.  My purse was on Lola’s side of the table.
  When she passed it to me, I discovered
 I had a text message from Shane.

Shane: Target?

Yeah.  That.  I still had to go to Target.  Crap.
 
Before I could respond, he was already calling.  I had been gone an hour and it was too much for him.  I didn’t feel guilty.  Not a bit.  I wasn’t doing anything wrong.  Dinner with a girlfriend.  Shopping.  All of it with Kylie.  

“You sure are taking a long time.”  He commented.

“I’m headed to the grocery store.  Need anything.

He spoke quietly.  “Hindsight.”

“What’s that mean?”  I stiffened while I waited for his response.

“Obviously this is payback for me leaving today.  I should have known not to piss you off because you’d only do worse to me.”

Rolling my eyes, I just ignored his comment.  This was not my norm.  Usually, I was the one sitting home, stewing, and then being forced to deal with his decisions.  It was good for him to be on the receiving end.

By the time I made it back to the house, I had already received a call from Evan to let me know he was over at the house babysitting Shane...his words, not mine.  They were playing pool with another friend.  Shane rushed right over to the car to help me carry in Kylie and the bags.

“You were gone so long that I expected a lot more food than this.”  He frowned as he picked up the food in one hand and followed me into the house.

“It was such a nice night.  I just wanted some me time.”  I stared at him meaningfully.  “We apparently don’t have to tell each other where we are going, so I just did my own thing.

“You sounded really happy.”  He mentioned sadly.

I turned to face him, to look him in the eye.  He stopped unloading food onto the counter and waited.
  “
You want the truth?  I enjoyed making you worry.  You make me worry all the time.  This is the first time all day I’ve felt like you cared about me.  Only maybe it wasn’t about that.  Maybe I was only interesting to you because you didn’t know where I was or what I was doing.  Maybe this isn’t love, but control.”  I shrugged.  “Either way, I was out with Kylie, enjoying myself and for once, you were the one home worrying.”  Turning on my heels I set Kylie in her bouncer in the great room.

Shane quietly excused himself to go back to the man cave and play pool with his company.  After everything was put away, I readied our baby for bed.  Ever so quietly, Kylie and I sat in the dark on the couch watching Sprout’s night programming while she fell asleep.  The day might have had a rocky start, but it had been a really enjoyable evening.

Late at night, after Kylie had been tucked into her crib and while I was half asleep on the couch, I could hear Shane closing the garage door, a sign everyone had gone home.  Minutes later, he entered the house.
  “
Did you tell Evan that you wanted to go to the Renaissance Festival?

I yawned and stretched as he joined me on the couch.  “Yes, we talked about it while you were still in the hospital.  Do you want to go?”

For years we had talked about going, but one thing or another prevented it.  He really wasn’t thrilled with being around a lot of people these days.  I watched him as he considered the idea.

Already I created explanations.  “It’s just a fun way to pass a day.  Kylie has never been…”

Then he interrupted me.
  “
No, let’s go.”

We set a time to leave the house, but I didn’t get invested in the idea.  It was still too soon.  It wasn’t uncommon for my husband to be very amenable to an idea initially and change his mind when it came time for the execution.  There were times that we would call off going to the movies with friends just before we had to leave because suddenly his anxiety would be too much, he couldn’t handle being out in public, being around people.  So to my surprise he woke bright and early in the morning to make sure we left on time, just as we had planned.  Even more, I was shocked he helped me get Kylie ready, made sure we had everything packed in the car, and truly participated in every way he could.  In his eyes, he is super dad and husband extraordinaire.  In reality, much of the time, he is meh.  Except this time, he wanted to go.  He was involved.  It was awesome.

We had agreed to meet Evan there so we could take our time, and leave when we wanted.  We stopped at the Harris Teeter grocery store to buy tickets in advance and avoid long lines at the entrance.  Soon enough we were being directed to a parking spot in the vast field outside the gates.  Instead of rushing, since we knew we had all day, we took our time getting ourselves ready.  We walked leisurely and I realized he was doing smiling again.  He caught me looking.

“What are you thinking?” He asked almost shyly.

Taking a deep breath, I decided to reveal the truth.  “I feel like a family...for the first time in a really long time, maybe ever.”  Then I shrugged to downplay it.  

History had shown such a comment could spark a fight and ruin a day, since there was a good chance he would view it as a criticism.  Instantly, I wished I could swallow my words.  Watching for a response, he turned to look at me, smile still securely in place.

“I know.  Me too.”

Then he wrapped his hand around mine on the stroller handle while we walked into the festival.

It didn’t take us long to find food.  It took only slightly longer to find Evan.  He was coming out of one of the comedy shows and joined us at a picnic table where I was enjoying a crepe.  

Evan laughed when he found us.  “Already into the food, I see.”

After swallowing, I grinned.  “Heck yeah.  I plan on eating my way through this place.”

Suddenly serious, Shane asked, “So what do you want to do?”

The question was directed at both of us.  We looked at each other and Evan shared his plans, explained how he liked to shoot the paintball guns, throw some axes, check out some of the shows, and hang out in the beer tent.

“I want a pretzel, and a turkey drumstick.”  I nodded to show I meant it.  

“That’s what you want to do?”  He shook his head in dismay.

I beamed at him.
  “
Yup.  Everything else is a bonus.”  

In that moment, he smiled and reached over to squeeze my hand.

The day couldn’t have been more perfect.  As I wished, I had my turkey leg while we sat around a tree on benches at lunchtime.  We stopped at the petting zoo where Kylie fed her first baby goats.  After she grew accustomed to their bold manners and spastic behavior, she warmed right up to them.  We sat around the beer tent, where the guys had some exotic sounding plastic cup of beer.  As much as I worried over mixing the meds and alcohol, I decided to hold my tongue.  Then we stopped at a few shops, eventually selecting a family crest.  On an impulse, we also purchased a hammock big enough for two in a lovely shade of cornflower blue.

Finally, around 3pm, we decided to leave.  

“Have you had a nice day?”  Shane asked as he wrapped an arm around my waist.

“Almost perfect.”  I sighed happily as we walked.

His brow furrowed a moment as he thought.
“
How can I make it perfect for you?”

Stopping in place, I looked at him seriously.  “I need a pretzel.”

He looked down at me and let out a chuckle.  
“
Is that all?  It’s a gorgeous fall day.  The temperature is perfect.  Kylie has been so good.  We now have a hammock for two.  What more could you want?”  Shane chuckled. “A pretzel.”

Then he was distracted by shiny coins been crafted into necklaces at a shop.  He glanced at me and motioned he wanted to go in.  Nodding, I started to turn the stroller to follow, when I saw the pretzel guy and raced over to him.

“I have been looking for you all day!”

The vendor laughed.  “What a coincidence!  I’ve been looking for you too.”

After taking my pretzel off the huge wooden holder he was carrying, I happily wandered over to Shane.
 
I’m pretty sure I have never known him to be so relaxed and calm.  It was so easy for me to glow in such a situation.  We talked about it on the drive home.

“You are just beaming.  Your cheeks must hurt.”  He ran the back of his hand down the side of my face.

I giggled.  Recently, I had been doing that more and more.  It was so wonderful to have him look at me, so full of love and happiness.  If this was our honeymoon period, I only wanted it to last forever.

“You’re so easy to be with.”  I admitted, leaning my head back against the seat.

“I’m always easy to be with.”  He shrugged.

“Right.”

Looking at me sideways, Shane asked, “I’m not?”

In the past, this would have been one of those minefields I would have avoided at all costs.  Now, I just plowed through, feeling completely invincible as I responded to his question.
“Historically speaking, no you aren’t.  You haven’t been.  Now, you are different better.  I want
this
Shane to stay around forever.”

Leaning over the console in the vehicle, I planted a kiss on his shoulder and nuzzled against him.  There was more to it than that, more I wanted to tell him, try to explain, if I could, without him accusing me of being stupid.
  “
These days, I’m feeling more connected to you than I have in a really long time.”  

Turning, he studied my face with a serious look on his own.
  “
Me too.  I’m glad you feel it.  I’m trying so hard.  This is who I want to be.”

In my heart, I longed for us to try to go all the way.  Sure, I felt loved, but I needed to feel wanted, too.  I needed to know he was attracted to me.  Again, I was reminded this wasn’t an area to push him.  I’d just give him time.

Later that night, after we tucked Kylie into her crib, we spoke about the evening.
  “
I had a really great time.  What about you?”  Shane edged closer to me on the couch.

“I did too.”  I rested my head on his shoulder.

As we basked in the afterglow of a successful family night, Shane shared what he had apparently been considering for some time.
  “
You know...I feel great.”

“I’m so glad to hear that.”  My body finally began to relax.

“And I don’t want to be dependent on drugs my entire life.” 

His words had me tensing once more.  It took everything in me to not make some snarky response.  See, he didn’t seem to mind being dependent on drugs when they were fun.  He chased pills for well over a year.  It was just these drugs, which seemed to be crimping his style.
  Instead, I decided to go for a more loving and concerned response.  “
Don’t you run the risk of withdrawal if you just stop?”

“Oh, I’ll wean off gradually.  I just think I can hold it together now.  I don’t need them anymore.”  He crossed his arms over his stomach and closed his eyes.

One of my fears about giving him another chance had always been he wouldn’t maintain.  I didn’t have a lot of faith he could do this on his own.  He had been trying for years and it hadn’t worked well.  What made now different?  I didn’t ask.

My big hope hung on this therapy Shane started Monday morning.  He woke up pleasant, left for his first session, and I stayed home and waited, tried not to worry.  The professionals should be able to make a difference where I never had.  When he returned mid-morning, I asked him how it went. 

“He tried to tell me I was wrong to break things when I was angry, but I explained that it’s my stuff I’m breaking and I can fix it.”  Shane beamed.  “Then he saw my point.”

His words had astounded me.  Somehow he was still managing to manipulate those around him.  Was I really the only one that called him out?  Unable to articulate all my concerns, I simply asked, “When’s your next session?”

His face turned thoughtful.  “He didn’t schedule one.”

My head tilted to the side as I tried to hide the emotions assaulting me.  “So when do you go back?”

He shook his head.  “I don’t think I do.”

This was the extent of this big 90 day intensive program?  There was no follow through.  How could I fault him when they were the ones dropping the ball?  Really, I couldn’t, but if he had another breakdown, I’d still have to leave.

Later in the afternoon on Monday, we were both busy working while Kylie slept.  I was in my spot on the couch and Shane was in the office creating packing slips for his eBay store.  Though I was pretty absorbed in my writing, I wasn’t so focused I didn’t hear the all too familiar signs of Shane’s frustration building.
  “
Work, damn you.”  He hissed under his breath.  Then his hand slapped the desk.
  “
Work
, goddamn you!”

I turned to see him biting on his finger.  It took everything in me to stay calm.  Finally, when he saw me, he stopped and struggled to calm down.

“Hey, Nina, I need some shipping labels printed and my computer won’t hook up to the printer.”

“You make them, I’ll go in on my laptop and print them.  Sound good?”  I watched him closely.  If he snapped completely, I had been instructed to run.

“Yup.”  Slowly, he lowered himself onto the office chair.

It felt like a tragedy narrowly averted.  Soon, I would be on full-blown alert if things continued.  Either his medication had ceased working, or he’d started weaning.  As I considered the options, I soon realized another possibility existed.  He could be mixing in drugs he wasn’t prescribed. 

The remainder of the day passed and finally it was time to put Kylie to bed.  Ever since he returned from the hospital, Shane had been quick to participate.  He seemed to finally understand what he’d been missing out on.  For once, Kylie fell asleep rather quickly in her crib.  While he exited the room, I decided to change, stripping down until I was wearing only my bathrobe and panties.  Finally, I left the room to join him, but he wasn’t where I expected him to be.  The couch was vacant, and the kitchen was empty.  It was only when I finally checked in the garage I located him.  He was thrilled to see me.

“Look!  I put the hammock up!”  He pointed to it dangling from a beam in the ceiling.  “You need to come swing with me in it.  It’s fun, look!”

Then by way of demonstration, he sat down in it, shoved off the pool table, and glided around while completely ensconced in the hand-woven hammock.  I must have worn a look of doubt on my face because he slowed down until he had completely stopped and tried again.

“Come on.  It will be fun.  Just...sit with me.”  He wore a pleading look on his face.

Honestly, in my mind, I was calculating the weight it was about to hold, eyeing the beam it dangled from, and deciding if we’d crash onto the cement floor or be supported.  Before I could voice my concerns, he had tricked me into sitting on top of him.

“Now you’re trapped,” he announced as he wound his limbs around me,  “completely stuck until I let you go.”

“You think so?”  Doubtful, I struggled to get free and found he was probably right.

“I can make it so you never want to get up.”  He murmured slyly into my hair.

Soon I realized my butt cheeks were perfectly positioned over his groin.  As we swayed in the mesh, I could feel him growing more and more erect beneath me.  Instead of squirming to get up, now I moved to get him off.  Within seconds, he had figured it out.

“What are you doing?”  His hands tightened on my hips.

With a playful giggle, I responded. “I decided to make the best of it.”
 
By now I had found my rhythm, could feel his urgency beneath me, and I was really enjoying it.  Before long, he’d pulled me back against his chest so he could kiss my neck, fondle my nipples with one hand and ultimately, shove a hand under my panties.  Yes, I had made just the right wardrobe choice.