The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy (19 page)

A sexual fetish is an object, manner of dress, or specific scenario that takes on a magical quality and a deeper meaning, and is absolutely required for satisfying sexual release. The item or scenario becomes that person's most reliable sex toy, and as we all know when it comes to orgasm, if you find something that works, you mine it for all it's worth. Seldom is there a rational explanation for why an individual is attracted to a certain pair of shoes, wearing restrictive and beautiful corsets, watching women smoke in the nude, or popping balloons during sex. We have many culturally accepted explanations as to why big boobs and huge cocks are fashionable sexual fetishes, but people with fetishes outside the norm get stigmatized. This is tough to cope with when you or your lover has a fetish you'd like to share.

Fetishes do not discriminate based on gender, race, or class. Fetishes are not good or bad, male-only or female-only. Many female fetishists eroticize the same objects in the same manner as men, though we tend to see more of the male perspective on the Web and in
magazines because men are considered the primary consumers of pornography. No one gets hit on the head, as in the movies, and wakes up with a fetish. Clinical explanations about fetishes evolving from childhood experiences and Freudian experiences with parental nudity reek of the same contrived stink as theories about homosexuality from the 1950s. As articulate as fetishists typically can be regarding their obsessions, sometimes there simply is no rational explanation for a given fetish.

Fetish fashion and its connoisseurs make a couture designer's obsessions seem trite. Leather, shiny rubber, PVC, plastics, liquid latex, corsets, stilettos and fantastically high heels, stockings, and more occupy this highly sexualized realm of style. Fetish fashion is a huge industry, especially in North America and Europe. The sexuality underlying “fetish” blends well with S/M practices and Gothic style—and it's common to see fetish events that are also S/M play parties. For the moneyed rubberist, corset-wearer, or hard-core human animal fetishist, the fashion has become a fetish unto itself: The women at San Francisco's corset house Dark Garden have told me tales of fetishists with custom-made rubber suits for every imaginable occasion, including a rubber undertaker's suit. Formal fetish balls and conventions are typically high-fashion events with strict dress codes that embrace a wide variety of fetishes—as long as the revelers dress in full fetish gear.

A Fetishist Looks Just Like You

People with fetishes are generally articulate, well-read, and computer savvy, with theories about their fetishes and a very serious sense of self-control about the way they conduct their sex lives. Many feel they cannot share
their fetish with their loved ones, and discreetly set aside a time and place where they can find fulfilling release with their fetish, avoiding the risk of offending people they care about. Most fetishists who visit professional fantasy-makers such as dominatrixes have a healthy understanding of negotiation and boundaries. While many fetishists have healthy, happy sex lives with their lovers, others must partition off their sexual fetishes from their relationships. This can be isolating.

We live in a culture that sees masturbation—a healthy, normal sexual practice—as shameful and degrading, so it's no surprise that people with fetishes are reluctant to share them, even with their lovers. Single fetishists can attempt to network over the Internet, finding others who share their tastes, but, like a night out at a single's bar, it can be a routine of disappointment. So they are compelled to gamble, dating people they find attractive but dreading the moment of revelation when their new partner may reject them upon discovering the fetish. Opening up in a relationship and sharing your innermost sexual workings with a partner you don't want to lose can be so frightening that many don't risk it. Telling anyone about a fetish presents the risks of rejection, shame, loss, and heartbreak.

Fetishes, by and large, are harmless—within the commonsense limits that apply to any act of pleasure, of course. But a fetish can become harmful when keeping it a secret begins to isolate one partner in a relationship. Fetishes come from the id, that bountiful and capricious source of sexual energy, and because they seldom have an explanation (fetishes are not chosen), they also cannot be “cured” or made to just “go away.” In a relationship, a fetish can cause problems when the fetishist feels bad about keeping it a secret; when the fetish interferes with
other parts of the fetishist's life; and when the fetishist's partner finds the fetish disturbing or distasteful—or worse, sees the fetish as competition. Some people with fetishes can't reach orgasm unless their fetish is involved, and this may make a lover feel inadequate.

If you or your lover has a fetish and is having a difficult time understanding how to work the fetish into your shared sex life, read this chapter together and discuss it. Also read “When Fantasies Make You Feel Bad,” in
Chapter 1
, and “Talking to Your Partner” and “When Your Partner Is Reluctant,” both in
Chapter 3
. Be sure to let your lover know that your fetish is the only surprise you've got up your sleeve—and take care to pay equal attention to the sex you share with your lover as you do to your fetish, and when you do bring your fetish into your shared encounters, don't let your lover feel left out. Reassure your partner that you are more aroused by them than by your fetish—this will be their number one concern.

Finding out that your partner has a fetish might be upsetting at first. It's easy to wonder if your lover has been keeping sexual secrets all along. But remember that your lover is entrusting you with their scariest—and most sexually exciting—secret. Understand that his or her arousal from a certain scenario or object is in no way a substitute for you—on the contrary, your lover is saying that adding you to the fetish dynamic will make them feel sexually complete (and make for some very hot sex that you both can enjoy). Don't see the fetish as a rival, or something you have to compete with for your partner's love and affection; instead, use the fetish as a tool to enhance and intensify their sexual arousal with you. A fetish shared by two, after all, is a very specialized sex toy, one you cannot buy at any sex boutique.

How to Have Sex with a Fetishist

Most folks probably don't know they have a fetish for certain objects, devices, or scenarios, but those who do make it easy to get the most out of the steamy sexual encounters you can have with a fetish. Of course, due to the very specific nature of sexual fetishes, the nuances of sex involving fetishes will be tailored to each fetish. Classic types of fetishes are discussed later in this chapter. To get you started, here are some guidelines for having hot fetish sex:

For the Fetishist

•
     
Explain exactly what turns you on about your fetish so your lover can utilize the information to the utmost.

•
     
Split your attention between your fetish and your lover. Err on the side of giving your partner more attention than the fetish. Do not behave selfishly.

•
     
Do everything you can to keep your lover from feeling threatened by your fetish.

•
     
Give your partner sexual pleasure in return for honoring your fetish. Get your partner off in whatever way they like best.

•
     
Be a good lover. Your fetish is just another sex toy for you both to share.

•
     
Be supportive. Tell your lover how hot they look, how aroused they make you feel, and afterward, all the things they did that made you see stars.

•
     
Remember that you're not alone. Your lover wants to be there for you. And there are support groups and message boards on the Internet for even the most obscure fetish.

For the Partner of the Fetishist

•
     
Find out in as much detail as possible what turns your lover on about the fetish item, scenario, or behavior. Ask questions: Do you rub the shoe all over their body or wear it? Do you want to eat from it or crush things with it?

•
     
Have the fetishist show you what he or she likes to do when they masturbate.

•
     
Let your lover know whether or not their fetish turns you on. If it doesn't, be prepared to say how you would prefer that they bring you to orgasm. Don't let sexual attention go unreciprocated, or you will feel resentful.

•
     
If you're in a relationship, actively explore elements of your partner's fetish that excite or arouse you. You may discover that you enjoy having power and control over your partner's orgasm, so much that you
do
get turned on by sitting in cheesecake or posing with a cigarette. Or you may just enjoy seeing your lover get so sexually worked up.

•
     
Push it. Does your lover get hard at the sight of rubber panties? Tease them, taunt them, rub the panties in their face, make their arousal as excruciating as possible before you give them what they want. Work it!

•
     
Fetishists who like having something rubbed on them can be forbidden to masturbate as you rub them with the object, and you can take your time masturbating them to orgasm.

•
     
Know your limits and boundaries. If it's too strange for your present tastes, talk about it. Never do anything you're uncomfortable with or might feel bad about later.

•
     
Some fetishes involve images, photographs, or videos. This is a great opportunity for hand jobs and fun sexual positions.

•
     
Be open to new and unusual experiences, and be playful about sex. It's like being able to be a kid all over again, but as consenting adults who can think of sexy twists to make playtime red hot.

•
     
Remember that you're not alone—a great many people have a lover with a fetish. There may well be a million fetishists in the U.S., possibly thousands with your lover's particular fetish. You can seek out web communities and message boards for support.

Classic Fetishes

If it exists, someone has eroticized it. The fetishes, gear, and scenarios listed below include some of the more popular and notorious fetishes. Apologies if I excluded your fetish—this list is simply a sample. Although the list categorizes fetishes into subject areas, they often overlap. You might find yourself with a shoe fetishist who likes crushing and wants you to smoke while you step on them in spiked heels—three fetishes in one. Fetishists spend a lot of masturbation time fantasizing about their fetishes, and while some of the ones listed below may sound outrageous or impossible, remember that the fetish is a fantasy: It is not expected to become reality. Fetish fantasies often involve a relationship with a certain object (the fetishist masturbates with the shoes), or the object's relationship with another person (you are the one wearing the shoes, teasing and tormenting your lover into erotic rapture).

For links to fetish websites, both commercial and personal, see
Chapter 13
, “Resources.”

Amputees

Amputees and their devotees are people who fantasize about missing limbs or digits. The most common sexualization is masturbating while looking at pictures of amputees or amputee porn. It can also be a fetish for prosthetics.

Balloons

“Looners” like to get off in a number of ways. They might look at pictures of clothed women popping balloons, hump large balloons until they pop, or watch sexy people blow up balloons; or they might wish to be encased in a balloon.

Bandages

Bandage fetishes and Japanese “broken doll” fetishes focus on medical casts, bandages, traction, braces, and other bandage-type wearables. In Japan, the broken doll is typically a schoolgirl “hit by a car” and depicted in a full-body cast wearing her schoolgirl uniform with skirt lifted and panties showing, or no panties at all. A bandage fetishist might like to wear bandages, have sex with a bandaged person, or look at pictures of bandaged people. See photograph collections like Nobuyoshi Araki's
Tokyo Lucky Hole
and Romain Slocombe's
City of Broken Dolls
.

Body Modification

When an individual becomes sexually excited by modifying their own body through piercing, cutting, branding, corset training, tattooing, or other methods, they have a body modification fetish. Alternatively, they may become aroused by performing body modification on others, or by looking at photographs. There are numerous books and
websites devoted to body modification in all its permutations—for starters, have a look at
Body Play
magazine and the website of body modification practitioner and performance artist Fakir Musafar:
www.bodyplay.com
.

Body Parts

These are fetishes for a particular part of the anatomy, such as the neck, navel, breasts, anus, thighs, hands, or elbows. “Big breast” fetishists make up a significant population, and tend to eroticize anything bigger than a D-cup. There are many foot and leg fetishists (see “
Feet/Legs
,” below). The fetishist might like to touch the special body part, gaze at it, or have it rubbed on them during masturbation.