The Upside of Being Let Down (new adult romance - 1) (19 page)

(21)

It was that night when everything
kind of changed again, and not for the better. I came back to the apartment and
found it locked. It was a problem but one that I couldn
’
t control. I waited a few minutes outside the door
and then went to my car. I sat for an hour and after that, I started driving. I
drove by Hope Off Road Caf
é
a few times, admiring the small place and how it meant so much to me already. It
also made me think of Jon and I started to drive faster.

I stopped at another caf
é
, a small caf
é
with smooth jazz and even
smoother coffee. I sat in the back corner and hung out, watching people come
and go. Another hour passed and I left. When I got back to the apartment Bryan
was there, but he seemed off. He seemed annoyed. He looked at me and gave me a
long stare, up and down, as though I was his cheating ex-girlfriend and he
expected me to lie about where I had been.

Like it mattered.

“
Did
you come back earlier?
”
he
asked.

“
Yeah.
But it
’
s no big deal. I
went and got a coffee.
”

“
You
should have called me,
”
Bryan said.

“
I
wouldn
’
t bother you like
that. You were out.
”

“
At
my buddy
’
s apartment.
”

I shrugged my shoulders.

Although it was kind of nice to know
Bryan wasn
’
t out with a
girl, with Chloe, what did I care?

Things got really strange and I
avoided Bryan the best I could in the small apartment. I went into the bedroom
-
his
bedroom - and sifted through some of the stuff in the boxes. I
made it seem like I had a purpose for it. I didn
’
t.
But it killed some time. It also told me that I really needed a place. I needed
to find a roommate at the very least. Someone with a two bedroom apartment.
When I heard the shower turn on, I left the bedroom. When it came down to
sleeping, I fake yawned and went to bed long before I normally would have. Not
that extra sleep would hurt. I had to get ready for a week of work. I swore
Hope said something about deliveries coming on Mondays which would definitely
kick the week off differently. And I had to figure something out with college.
That was, if I even cared to go back.

As soon as I got comfortable I
sensed something happening.

Bryan came into the room a few
seconds later and I froze. My body ached for him to touch me but at the same
time I wanted him to sleep on the couch. I knew if I said something to him, if
I told him to sleep on the couch he would have. He was just that...

Friendly? Loyal? Stupid?

When Bryan touched the bed I
thought about telling him to leave but then it really hit me. How could I be like
that to him? It was his apartment. If anything I should have gotten up and left
the room. But that would only make things weirder. The day had come and gone
with enough change already that it felt like it went from a July heat wave to a
January blizzard. I sucked it up and stayed in the bed.

Bryan got into the bed too and I
felt him creeping closer to me, inch by inch. His hand touched my shoulder and
I jumped a little.

“
Just
me,
”
he whispered.

The two words meant more than I
could explain. It wasn
’
t a
friend crawling into bed with me right then. It was somebody else. Something
more serious.

“
Bryan,
”
I whispered.

“
It
’
s okay,
”
he whispered back.
“
It
’
s just okay.
”

His arm came over me, gripping
tighter. I felt his body press against mine. My toes curled against the sheets
and the urge to cry hit me. It wouldn
’
t
have been the first time I cried in Bryan
’
s
bed but it would be the hardest. My heart pounded and not in the passionate way
it had once before.

I felt the words creeping up in the
back of my head.

Bryan
’
s
fingertips ran down my arm, going for my hand. He wanted to hold my hand. He
wanted his body pressed tight against mine. He wanted to hold me as I slept. He
wanted to hold me as he slept.

“
AJ,
I have...
”

“
I
have a date with someone,
”
I said.

It came out. Whether it sounded
mean or not didn
’
t matter.

I said it.

The room felt colder than ever.
Bryan
’
s hand opened and
moved away from my arm even though his body was still against mine. I waited
five seconds, ten seconds, and things got even worse.

“
You
can say something,
”
I said.

“
I
can?
”
Bryan asked.
“
What am I supposed to say?
”

I hated his tone. That heartbroken,
let down tone. That...
used
tone. It was the tone I lived with for so
long. Guy after guy, each one taking their chance with me in the hopes of
getting to my stripper sister. And now I had a guy next to me who never met Winnie
and claimed he didn
’
t care
that she was a stripper.

“
I
’
m just letting you know,
”
I said.

“
So
I won
’
t touch you?
”
he asked.

“
I
don
’
t know, okay? I just
didn
’
t want you to feel
something and I would feel bad if I didn
’
t
tell you.
”

“
Thanks,
I guess,
”
Bryan said.

And then it happened.

He moved away.

He only put an inch between us, but
it felt like a mile.

“
It
’
s just a date,
”
I said.
“
With my coworker actually...
”

Why the fuck was I telling him
everything?

“
Good
to know,
”
he said.

“
Are
you upset?
”

“
I
guess not,
”
Bryan replied.
“
I don
’
t know right now.
”

“
Do
you want me to leave?
”

“
Why
would I want you leave, AJ?
”

“
You
’
re being so nice by letting me
stay here...
”

“
And
that
’
s all it is,
”
Bryan said.

And that
’
s where things just changed.

For the next week, Bryan worked,
hung out with friends, came home to watch a show, have a beer, take a shower,
and do other single guy crap. It was a whirlwind watching him. We spoke little,
if any, speaking more through text messages than face to face. The way he had
looked at me and just looked in general, he seemed annoyed and ready to
explode. I also picked up on that his father had called him twice, leaving two
messages that seemed to bother Bryan. Every day I swore to myself I
’
d start actually looking for a
place to stay. Make some phone calls, talk to some people. But it never
happened. I couldn
’
t do it.
I couldn
’
t just up and
leave like that. Not again. The last two times I left, Bryan let me back in.
Something told me that after the third time, the result wouldn
’
t be the same.

I just wanted to talk to him. To
find a way to reach him.

Then Friday night, fate stepped in.

I sat on the couch, trying to relax
after taking a long, hot shower, flicking through the channels when Bryan
walked into the apartment. Since Monday Bryan had been leaving the door
unlocked since I
’
ve been
staying out later to avoid the awkwardness. So when he looked startled to see
me home, I wasn
’
t
surprised.

“
Are
you going out tonight?
”
I
asked, feeling like a nagging housewife.

“
Why,
are you worried about me?
”
he asked.
“
Or is that your
way of telling me to go out so I don
’
t
have to wait and see if you come home?
”

“
Come
on, Bryan,
”
I said.

He looked at me and put his head
back. I watched him swallow. I suddenly wanted to lick his neck. I felt like a
monster, a confused monster.

After taking a breath, Bryan came
and sat next to me. He was in a t-shirt and shorts. The smell of man and sweat
hit me a few seconds later. When he curled his arms, his muscles flexed.

“
The
good news is that if you keeping staying mad at me and going to the gym so much
you
’
ll be freaking huge
soon.
”

Bryan smiled.
“
Yeah.
”

“
At
least you smiled.
”

“
Yeah.
”

“
Can
you tell me what you
’
re
thinking right now?
”

“
That
’
s the thing,
”
Bryan said,
“
I don
’
t know what I
’
m
thinking. One second I
’
m
okay with life, the next second I want to drive away and never come back.
”

“
Because
of me?
”

“
Just...
everything. It
’
s weird how
in one second you feel you have the world figured out and then the next second
it
’
s gone.
”

“
I
’
m still right here,
”
I said.

Bryan looked at me.
“
I know you
’
re here. You can stay as long as
you need. I just didn
’
t
want to be in your way this week. I mean, when you said you had a date, I don
’
t know, it
’
s like the rules changed between
us.
”

“
The
rules? We had rules?
”

“
Well,
not rules, but something. Right?
”

“
Yeah,
”
I said. The tension in the room
already started to ease.
“
Yeah
that makes sense. But it won
’
t
change anything. I mean, I already told Jon that I live with you. So it
’
s not like there
’
s any secrets.
”

“
He
didn
’
t mind you live with a
guy?
”
Bryan asked.

“
No.
”

“
He
didn
’
t mind that you share
a bed with a guy?
”

I smiled.
“
Well, some things are left for later in the
relationship. I mean, we didn
’
t
even get to the date yet.
”

I watched as Bryan tried to get mad
but he couldn
’
t. He just
shook his head. He put his hands on his legs, the obvious frustration
everywhere.

“
You
are just so different,
”
he
said.
“
I mean, fuck, AJ.
”

“
What
can I say,
”
I said,
“
when you come from parents who
neglect you and your sister is a stripper, you kind of have your own way of
looking at life.
”

“
I
can see that.
”

I looked around the apartment, then
at Bryan, and then back at the apartment. My heart and emotions were tied in a
big knot. I didn
’
t doubt
for a second that I
’
d go on
my date with Jon. I needed it. I needed to get out with someone different than
myself - and Bryan - and have fun. I had to live life...

“
I
’
m sorry if you feel...
”

“
I
don
’
t,
”
Bryan said, cutting off my
attempt at being nice and maybe even apologetic.

“
Okay.
I was kind of asking about your night tonight for my own benefit.
”

“
Is
that so?
”
Bryan asked.

“
Yeah.
”
I thought about how to choose
my next set of words. I didn
’
t
want to give Bryan the wrong impression of us, but...
“
I want you to fuck me.
”

I thought Bryan was going to fall
over. I sat there knowing what I wanted, but Bryan looked like he was going to
either pass out or run from the apartment. I let enough time go by to make sure
he knew what I said.

“
Did
you...
”

“
I
heard you,
”
he said.

He looked at me.

“
What?
”
I asked.