The Vampire Blog (3 page)

‘Sorry,' I murmured.

‘I believe the time has arrived,' said Dad,
‘to pass this gift on to you.' Then he handed me a cape. It was black, with red lining and a pointy collar. And inside were Dad's initials, which are the same as mine. It was very heavy and nicely made. But it wasn't for me. I knew that, even before I tried it on.

It was too big for me for a start. ‘You'll soon grow into it,' said Dad eagerly. ‘Now, take a look at yourself in the mirror.'

‘So vampires can see themselves then?' I asked.

‘Of course,' said Mum. ‘You might find your reflection goes a little bit misty over the next few weeks though.'

‘Something else to look forward to,' I muttered, ‘alongside bad breath and fangs.'

And then I saw myself in the mirror. And I looked so stupid, I burst out laughing. I laughed away until I noticed my parents weren't sharing the joke.

‘Look,' said Dad, ‘let me borrow it a moment.' He swiftly put the cape on, yet with such care too, as if he were handling something very precious.

‘Hey, Dad, it suits you.'

And it did. Even though he's not very big,
the cape didn't take him over. It just made him look much more commanding somehow.

‘I'll never forget the first time I put this on, just after my thirteenth birthday,' said Dad. ‘And immediately it meant the world to me. And I just felt so proud to be part of—'

‘The “We love blood” gang,' I quipped.

‘Can we stop the silly comments for five seconds?' said Dad, his voice cracking with anger. ‘Is that possible?'

‘Yeah, all right, sorry,' I said.

‘Because this means a great deal to your mother and me. We're proud of our heritage and …' Then Mum tapped his arm and Dad swallowed down what he was going to say next and just murmured, ‘Try it again, it's your cape now, so come on, really wear it.'

I put the cape on again. And I did try to conjure up some enthusiasm for it. I even imagined I was a great magician. But the thing just didn't fit and flapped about very uneasily on me. In fact, I felt like a total fraud in it. ‘Dad,' I said quietly, ‘being a half-vampire could skip a generation, couldn't it?'

‘It could,' murmured Dad quietly.

‘Well, it has,' I said, even more quietly. ‘So, Dad, have the cape back.'

‘I've been looking forward to this moment for such a long time,' said Dad.

‘I know, and I'm sorry – but if I'm not a half-vampire …'

Dad breathed heavily, and then said, ‘I won't have the cape back. Hang it on your door and one day soon I know you will wear it with pride.'

I know I won't.

But I put the cape on my door. Only then I kept looking at it. And it's just as if my dad's left one of his suits in my room. That cape practically screams out,
I'm in the wrong place!
That's why in the end I bunged it in the wardrobe. I hung it up properly though.

Then I earwigged my parents, who were whispering away downstairs. Mum was saying, ‘You frightened him tonight.'

Dad answered: ‘The manual said we were to do this as soon as possible.'

‘Yes, but you pushed him too hard,' replied Mum.

I can even feel a bit sorry for Dad, desperately wanting to pass the cape on to
his son and all that. But he can't force me to change into something I'm not, can he?

Tuesday 2 October
6.30 a.m.

Awake already, checking for bad smells and fangs. All clear on both counts. I shan't be turning into a funky half-vampire today or any other day. I'm certain now it's skipped a generation. And I'm one hundred per cent human.

9.15 p.m.

Strange atmosphere at home tonight, very tense and yet eerily calm. Feels as if my parents are just waiting for something to happen. Only it never will.

9.45 p.m.

Joel just rang, fresh from the first-ever introductory M.I.S. meeting. ‘Oooh, I wouldn't have missed it for anything. First of all, we met up with Tallulah.'

‘Who are we?'

‘Oh right, there were seven of us, all lads
from our class and her, and she took us into the woods.'

‘Oooh-er.' I laughed.

‘A secret place that I can't even tell you about. Well, I might in a minute. But anyway, she led us all in, and you know how the headmaster looks when he's giving us a right telling-off in assembly, well that's exactly how Tallulah looked. She was dead stern.'

‘I don't know how you kept a straight face,' I said.

‘Oh, there's more,' said Joel. ‘We all sat round in this secret place and she'd provided some food for us, which I thought was a thoughtful gesture. Next she told us a long, grisly tale which would have scared you, Marcus. Then she told us M.I.S. members must be ready at all times to shake up boring, everyday life – just as monsters do. So she's going to set us our first challenge soon. And our motto is just two words:
Monsters rule
. That's why if we want to come again we've got to wear a mask. No one will be admitted if they're not disguised as a monster. Then we left our secret meeting place.'

‘Which was where?' I asked.

‘Now, don't be offended, but I'm not going to tell you, because I did swear to keep the meeting place secret from everyone.'

‘But you'll never go back again,' I said.

‘Well, here's the funny thing, I think I will, as I've got a werewolf mask I haven't worn since Halloween about three years ago.'

‘It probably won't even fit you now,' I said.

‘But it's the thought that counts,' said Joel. ‘And yeah, I'll go back just one more time as … well, just as I was leaving, Tallulah said that she was very surprised to see me there tonight – but actually she thinks I might have some monster potential.' Joel started to laugh again. ‘I think that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.'

Wednesday 3 October
7.05 a.m.

Terrible news!

I woke up to discover a horrible smell in my bedroom. Really foul, like rotting seaweed and the stinkiest fart you've ever smelled all mixed up together. It was totally disgusting.

Then I realized where the smell was coming from – me; or my mouth, to be more precise. I stank.

I sped off to the bathroom and started wildly brushing my teeth. But I just couldn't take away that stink from my mouth.

And then I noticed the bathroom door slowly opening. Mum was standing there, looking so triumphant.

‘It's started, hasn't it?' she cried excitedly.

Wednesday 3 October
8.45 a.m.

I'm still in bed. Mum said I can't possibly go to school today – and she's right. I'm a walking stink bomb. And if I so much as breathed on someone their nose would explode with shock.

‘What exactly is that smell?' I asked Mum.

‘It's perfectly normal and natural,' she replied Mum, looking ever so cheerful. ‘Just a sign that the human part of you is resisting the intrusion of your brand-new vampire side. But you're not to worry about a thing. I've called the doctor.'

‘What, our usual doctor?' I asked.

‘Oh no,' said Mum, ‘Doctor Jasper is someone we can trust. He knows all about us.'

9.25 a.m.

Dr Jasper was a small gnome-like man with a large, beaming face. ‘Ah, here's the young blighter; my, what a pong.' He put on a face mask and then chuckled. ‘I can still smell you now, which is a very good sign.'

‘Is it?' I asked.

‘Oh yes, now open your mouth wide.' He peered through a magnifying glass and then nodded enthusiastically. ‘Excellent, excellent – everything is just as it should be. Now, take this immediately.' He handed me a glass with a liquid bubbling away in it.

‘Er, what is it?' I asked. ‘Something to help me grow up into a nice, big vampire?'

‘What a chatterbox you are. Come on, no more questions, down the hatch.'

So I very reluctantly swallowed down this bubbly liquid. It was extremely hot and tasted of absolutely nothing.

‘Now,' said Dr Jasper, ‘you've had a reaction to this new invader. So you need to be very sick.'

‘Oh, great,' I said.

‘I know, not very pleasant. But then life is full of little problems and it's no good moaning about them, is it? And right now your body is a battlefield, with your human and vampire sides ranged against each other. But peace will break out – eventually. Well, good morning, Marcus, and with a bit of luck you should be growing fangs tomorrow.'

‘So,' I asked Mum later, ‘I'm definitely a half-vampire then?'

‘Oh, no doubt about it,' said Mum, all happy – in fact, positively gloating.

1.30 p.m.

I've just been very sick – again. Hope that's it now because I don't think I could totter to the bathroom again. I'm totally shattered.

4.00 p.m.

I had just fallen asleep when Mum came in with some more of that foul medicine. ‘You know, Mum, I really think I'd rather be doing double maths right now. That should prove how miserable I feel.'

‘This is the worst part,' said Mum. ‘But it is worth it.'

‘Is it really though?' I said. ‘Because I've wanted to be a number of things in my life, including a vet, footballer, astronaut and professional chocolate-taster. But I've never for one second wanted to be a vampire or half-vampire or quarter-vampire or even one millionth of one. So is there any way I can stop this and turn back into a normal human being again?'

I suppose it wasn't the most tactful thing I've ever said. But I was ill and stinky and totally fed up.

Mum stopped smiling then all right. And instead she said, ‘Your father and I are very proud of being half-vampires. And I hope one day soon, you will be too.'

4.45 p.m.

The doctor has just returned and examined me again. ‘You are making excellent progress.' He smiled brightly at me. ‘Now, you're going to feel absolutely rotten for the rest of the day. So get some shut-eye if you can. And cheer up … because this is a wonderful day.'

‘Is it?'

‘Yes, because it means the transformation magic has begun.'

6.00 p.m.

Sorry, but too weak to write any more today, blog. Fang tomorrow.

Thursday 4 October
7.45 a.m.

The bad smell has gone – but now my face is itching like crazy. Feel as if I've got chickenpox, measles and very bad sunburn all at once. I speed to the mirror. And my face is sensationally red – in fact, if it was any redder traffic would stop on it. My eyes are all bloodshot too.

Nestling just inside my top lip is one splendid white fang. I don't expect, blog, you've ever grown a fang. Well, I can tell you, it gives you quite a start. In fact, I couldn't be more shocked if I'd grown another hand. It feels quite solid and strong too. And I keep touching it as if to prove to myself it's real. And it is. It really is. I'm stunned and horrified and
oddly proud, all at once. Very, very weird.

Then in pile my parents.

‘Oh well, look at that,' cries Mum. ‘What a wonderful fang – one of the best I've ever seen.'

‘Really!' I can't help feeling a bit pleased. ‘You'd say good quality then?'

‘For a first fang it's quite outstanding,' says Mum.

‘Well, I only grow the best,' I say. ‘I mean, a funky guy like me can't go round with an inferior fang.'

And then all three of us start laughing madly. And I'm thinking, For the first time in my life, my parents are actually proud of me. They're positively beaming, in fact.

‘Do you mind if we take a picture of you?' asks Dad. ‘For the family album we keep in the cellar?'

‘I never knew about that secret album,' I say.

‘Oh, there's a lot you've got to find out,' says Mum with a merry laugh. ‘I know we shouldn't normally talk about this in daylight, but it's such a special occasion.'

Soon Mum is snapping away and I'm even
doing a bit of posing – one boy and his fang – you know the sort of thing, but actually you probably don't, do you, blog? Ha, ha.

Then I feel as if I'm about to pass out.

‘No, you must stay in bed today – you've used up all your energy growing that fang,' says Mum. Then she sighs. ‘What a shame it'll vanish away tonight.'

9.00 a.m.

Dad has just hurled about nine thousand horror books onto my bed. ‘Often far from the truth,' he said, ‘and not to be taken seriously. But you might enjoy reading about your ancestry. I've marked all the vampire stories.'

‘Funny,' I said. ‘Most parents try and stop their children reading too many horror stories.'

‘But then we're not most parents, are we?' said Dad, chuckling. Both he and Mum are still in an incredibly good mood.

11.15 a.m.

I've stopped reading already. There's no getting away from it, vampires are nasty, bad-tempered, blood-sucking weirdos. And they're so gloomy all the time. I just want to
say to them,
Lighten up
. I mean, you've never heard of a vampire cracking a joke, have you? While I think laughing is the secret of life. I really do.