The Vengeance (15 page)

The days passed by in a blur, growing shorter and the nights cooler, as a few months passed by. AJ worked around the B&B with Matthew, spending time here and there with Rose, Addie, and Robert. He’d grown to like the man he’d first seen as an enemy, in part because Robert forced him to see the good in Grims as opposed to the Devins of the world.

His feelings for Addie remained, buried in the depths of his soul. Their conversations were easy, as though they’d known each other for all their lives. To her, however, he was merely a semi-stranger as she focused on rebuilding her relationship with Robert. It tore at AJ’s heart to watch as they cuddled on the porch swing at night, talking about life. It broke his heart further when he’d watch them argue through the shadows of their windows, undoubtedly because she wanted to know where Robert had been, and the Grim was unable to give her a proper explanation.

AJ had given up his hope of being with her. At least his mind had. His heart had thoughts of its own. No matter how hard he pushed away his wishes of pulling her into his arms and kissing her again, his mind reminded him he was forbidden from it. Even worse was pushing her towards Robert, knowing the man could give her a proper life; a drama free life that AJ himself couldn’t give.

He and Addie’s friendship grew and it was what tied him to the town. Helen and Matthew played a big role in his staying put, becoming the parents he needed; however it was being able to have Addie in his life in any capacity possible that kept him there.

He and Max began to heal their friendship as well. They went back to studying their history and learning how to keep moving forward, as well as getting back to the things they’d loved to do prior to Devin’s appearance in town. Fishing became a big part of their relationship, allowing the men to talk when they wanted yet still maintain silence when needed.

“AJ’s going to go with me out to the fields for a bit to check on things,” Addie called out to Robert from across the kitchen, spreading syrup over the pancake on Rose’s plate. “We’ll be back in a little while.”

Robert’s face clouded over with angst and Addie picked up on the wrinkles immediately.

“I’ll come with you,” he offered.

He hoped she would take him up on the request. While he’d had the chance to get to know AJ over the past months and believed the Healer’s promise that he’d only ever be friends with Addie, he couldn’t shake the knowledge that somewhere behind the Healer aspect of AJ hid his human side – and human emotions. Sometimes feelings were too much to push aside and that fear worried Robert. It didn’t help that he saw how at ease AJ and Addie were around each other. Addie couldn’t remember all that had happened between them, but the connection was evident and it wouldn’t be long, he figured, until the feelings came flooding back to her. He’d lost her once and he didn’t want to lose her again. Her voice snapped him back from his racing thoughts.

“I thought it might be nice for you and Rose to spend some time together, just you two. I promise I won’t be long.”

She smiled at him, kissed Rose, and bounded out the door and across the street. The truth was she didn’t want Robert feeling as though his arrival would make her completely give up the rest of her life for him. She wanted to seem independent, resourceful, and full of life. She wanted to force him to beg her to be a part of her life. And she knew spending time with AJ would keep Robert on his toes. It was cruel, but true.

“Ready?” she asked the towering man standing in front of her in his tattered and frayed shorts.

“Sure am.”

They hopped in the old pickup and headed towards the fields.

“Do you love him?” he asked as the truck rumbled down the uneven, earthy road.

The well
intentioned question seemed simple enough but the answer wasn’t. She brushed her chocolate hair back from her eyes, staring out into the formerly golden fields that had always been her home. They were a barrier against the outside world and she had welcomed the protection they offered. Oddly, they seemed to coincide with her life right now; tainted with an unsure future.

If she had this much drama in a town this small, she could only imagine how crazy life was outside in the real world. She didn’t look at him as she spoke; he made her uncomfortable. She knew there was some sort of history
between the two of them, but she couldn’t unravel it and AJ wouldn’t tell her. He always reminded her it was for the best.

“I do,” she said, nodding her head as though she were still trying to convince herself. “I don’t know exactly how to define it though, if that makes any sense. I see him with Rose and I love that she has her father back. I see the way he looks at me and can feel that he loves me. And I love him, too. I just feel lately like, I don’t know, it’s different than it used to be. He’s changed. Not that it’s a bad change; he’s just different to me now. Maybe that’s just my heart playing defense so I won’t get hurt again.”

“Do you want to be a family again?”

AJ knew the question was rude and above all, none of his business, and yet he couldn’t stop the loaded question from escaping his light pink lips. While the rest of him was tough, she couldn’t help but notice how soft his lips looked.

She stared over her shoulder at him with a crooked smile. She felt as though there was more behind his inquisitiveness and he feared she’d know she was right.

“I can’t answer that, not right now.”

She paused, her breath deepening. Her wringing hands gave away her nervousness of the topic.

“I mean, of course I want us to be a family. Who wouldn’t want a family for their child? Rose loves him. She’s so happy to have him in her life. Looking at her now makes my heart pump faster. She’s never been this happy.”

AJ couldn’t help but think to himself that not so long ago, Rose had smiled like that around him. He pushed the thought from his mind, horrified at the notion that he was basically saying he could have been her father. She
had
a father and he was back – no one could replace that and he knew it.

“But my heart, I don’t know AJ. It just doesn’t feel like before. It feels sort of
… forced.”

“So what made you love him before? Maybe remembering that will help.”

“There’s a lot about my past you don’t know. He’s the only one who does. His acceptance made me love him.”

“And?” 

Now he was being downright pushy.

“And I don’t know. He gave me Rose. And I know he’ll protect her. I want her to grow up like him, you know? I want her to be brave and be okay with who she is. I was never any of that.”

AJ cringed a bit at the thought. Rose’s father was a Grim. Her grandmother and great-grandmother had been Healers. Rose could turn either way in the future. Even though Grims were necessary on earth, he didn’t want to witness the agony she’d have to go through as she dealt with the constant guilt of taking lives.

“You are one of the strongest women I’ve ever met,” he replied.

The sincerity echoed in his voice. He didn’t have to fake that – the sentiment was genuine. Raising a child on her own, dealing with the local gossip mill; he knew it wasn’t easy on her, but she handled it with grace. She never stooped to lower levels.

“You’ve only seen one side of me, AJ,” she half
laughed. “You weren’t here when we were growing up. I have to be strong to protect Rose from the cruel words that people used against me. It’s not by choice but necessity. And even then, I never had enough strength until they placed that sweet little wrinkly baby girl in my arms.”

She was still staring though something in her eyes changed. Since defeating Devin, AJ’s senses had become more adept at picking up on the emotions of others.

“What happened?”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, not looking at him for fear the eye contact would give it away.

“You’re thinking about something, I can see it in your eyes.” And feel it, he thought to himself. “What happened to make life so hard for you?”

“Besides having a baby and her father walking out on us?”

“Before that, what happened to you to make you think you weren’t strong? To think that you needed a man to complete you? Because until Robert showed up, the only Addie I knew was one who didn’t need anyone else to take care of her.”

She didn’t want to talk about it. She never had. It had been bottled up and locked down deep in
side her mind since it happened. She didn’t speak of it to anyone. It was her secret, her kryptonite. Her heart told her that if she said it out loud it would be true. As long as it was a quiet secret in her soul she would be able to pretend that maybe – just maybe – she’d made it all up.

In the same moment, her glossy lips were opening nearly against her will, spilling the details she’d kept expertly hidden for so long. It was as though she couldn’t stop herself. She wondered if her face looked horrified as the words tumbled out, because it certainly felt that way.

“I wasn’t always so independent,” she started. “I didn’t trust people, didn’t let them in. After everything that happened with my mom I always felt so abandoned. I just wanted some concrete people in my life, something familiar. Aside from Gram, I didn’t have that. I just wanted someone to love me so badly.”

She paused, gathering her thoughts. AJ sensed the hesitation and wrapped a comforting arm around her.

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to. But maybe it would feel better to let it out.”

She didn’t want to stop now. She had held in the vileness for so long. She wanted to scream it from the rooftops at that very moment, so that someone would know how much she had hurt inside. The memory was far worse than Robert walking away or her mother dying, worse in that it was a hideous secret hidden from everyone. No one had been able to comfort her, tell her all would be okay as they had with Robert and her mother because no one knew. While she suffered publicly with the other disappointments life handed her, this one had only been hers and it was agonizing.

“You won’t repeat this, will you AJ? Nobody knows, not even Robert.”

“Never, what’s said between us stays only between us, always.”

She sighed, taking in a deep breath of the fresh air and floral scent that was wafting through the fields.

“I wasn’t always a decent human being. I sought attention from anyone who would give it to me, whether it was good or bad. I can see that, looking back with wiser, more experienced eyes. When a guy took not
e of me, I jumped into it wholeheartedly, hoping that he’d find me good enough to keep. Good enough to love. That wasn’t exactly a great situation to put myself in, because what teenage and early twenties guy doesn’t like a girl willing to do anything for him?”

A single tear slid down her tanned cheek, the path shimmering under the sunlight. He wanted so badly to wipe it away but didn’t want to release his hold on her. She was gripping his hand as if the world was ending and she needed his support. He wasn’t about to let go.

“There was one in particular who I really thought I loved, before Robert. It’s ridiculous now, but back then I thought he loved me, too. Maybe he did, I don’t know. At first, at least, maybe he did. He was so sweet, buying me flowers, taking me places. It was good – the relationship that is – but even with the sweetness he showered on me I became bored after a while, because I wanted to
feel
wanted. I don’t know how to better explain it. I wanted this big spark, this big show of love all the time, because I wanted everyone in the world to see that I belonged to someone. Back then I created the drama, if you can believe it. I guess the constant breakup and make-up was what I craved.”

She half-laughed again, her hands going up to her mouth. She could nearly see all the words floating in front of her, her story now out in the open being heard by other ears. It wasn’t a secret anymore. She wasn’t sure if this was a relief or not. It certainly brought a lot of memories to mind
, all of them images she wanted to forget. She hadn’t been a saint growing up, of that, she was certain.

“I was miserable to him, that I know. Starting fights, making life harder than it needed to be. I think, eventually, he just got tired of it. But you just sort of get used to having someone around, and like me, I knew he was scared of being alone. That’s what we had in common to begin with. But then out of nowhere it was like he had checked out and someone else had taken his place. Overnight he had changed. Somewhere along the way I woke up and he was a completely different person. After our millionth breakup and makeup, we had a conversation that I’ll never forget, mostly because of how I responded.”

AJ was intently listening, his pearly whites biting his lower lip. He had so many questions but if he interrupted he may never hear the whole sordid story. He had this longing to know the dire circumstances that had shaped who she was as a girl and as an adult. This beautiful, strong woman hadn’t always been so and the notion intrigued him.

She seemed to hesitate as if maybe it were a good time to stop. Perhaps, she thought, he might buy that as the end of the story. Looking at his gentle, concerned face she knew she was wrong. He was dying to know what happened next and not even bothering to hide it.

“Here goes,” she whispered. “He told me one day that for us to get back together and stay that way, there was going to be a new rule. I would have to do anything he said, no questions asked. There would be no more fighting and his word would be the final one. Right there I should have known. Today, I would know to walk away, but back then I just saw that the guy I thought I loved was about to walk away from me. I didn’t want to be alone and to feel as though I didn’t matter to somebody. I needed to be needed. I told him yes and he took me back. It’s sickening to think about, quite frankly. He showed up to my birthday party a month later for an hour and then went out with his friends – this not caring about things important to me was just the tip of the giant, looming, destructive iceberg that grew to be our relationship. No big deal in the grand scheme of what was to come a little while later. At his house one night, he told me that we were going to have sex. I really, really didn’t want to. I can feel it even now,” she said.