The Vengeance (16 page)

Her eyes closed and tilted up towards the heavens. It was evident she was feeling every emotion that had touched her young body that day. She trembled, although AJ wasn’t sure she knew it.

“I wasn’t experienced in that arena, despite all my somewhat-boyfriends before. I was more talk than anything. I was totally uncomfortable with it and even more so knowing that it wasn’t a request now but rather a demand.”

She looked at AJ sure she would see disgust on his face. There was no way, she thought to herself, that he could look at her with any kind of respect after this.

“The fear had nearly made me throw up as he loomed over me. I can remember the bile stinging my throat as I realized that this had to happen or he was going to walk away. I wanted to head for the door, but my heart, it just wanted someone to love me. I stayed. Silent, but I stayed.”

AJ understood where this was going. He wanted to wrap his strong arms around the now feeble
looking girl next to him, lost in her memory, and bring her the comfort she had searched for since she was a child. His muscles grew tense, listening her continue with the squalid details.

“I followed him, not even able to say the word ‘okay’. We didn’t even get totally undressed because that wasn’t what he cared about. He just cared about getting the deed done and getting himself some satisfaction. As I laid there on the bed, I felt humiliated and dirty.”

Her voice broke, the memories obviously overwhelming her as they stepped out of the truck and into the fields. The memories had been tucked away for so long that they caused a fresh wound to her ego and psyche. She touched her long fingers over her mouth, perhaps to hold everything in. She was supposed to be strong, she thought. The tears started and her voice cracked.

“When I protested at the last minute before we started, completely scared and not wanting to do it, it was too late. He kept saying it was this or nothing, this or nothing, to just be quiet and get it over with. I can remember his hands on me,” she said, her arms wrapping around herself for comfort, “the look in his eyes just vacant. I could have been anyone because I was definitely not someone he cared about. I was nothing to him and I could see it plain as day staring up at him. He had my arms pinned with these angry hands and then it was all over. No words, no kissing. No ‘I love you,’ just emptiness and silence. He walked out of the room and back over to the couch to watch television, just leaving me there. I don’t even remember how long I
stayed there. Time just sort of stopped, I guess. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I wanted to hit him and beg him to love me all at the same time. How utterly pathetic is that?”

She didn’t leave space for a response.

“When I came out, he didn’t even look at me. How could he? He had no respect for me by then. I had no respect for myself. The man who had bought me roses and surprised me constantly was gone, leaving this shell of a person that I had helped create. I felt disgusting and gathered my things and left without saying a word. And still, I didn’t leave for good. It was another month or so before things really ended. But his stain was forever embossed on my soul, marked me as this wounded, weakened girl who thought so little of herself that she was willing to be degraded just to pretend somebody loved her. I’d been pushed around before, smacked a time or two, threatened – all by other guys that I was just as desperate to have fall in love with me. But this guy was the first that actually stole every ounce of respect and dignity I had for myself. What he did hurt far worse than any physical pain I’d ever experienced.”

The fury fired up in AJ’s heart and he wanted to pummel the man – no, the monster – who had done this to her.

“You never told anyone? About what he did to you?”

“What was I going to say?
In my mind, the only thing telling someone would do, would prove how weak and stupid I was.”

“
He took advantage of you.”

“I let him do it. I didn’t fight him, AJ. And the worst part is that I still feel horrible that I turned him into that person.”

“You cannot honestly believe that,” he responded, turning her delicate face with his hand.

She couldn’t look at him, instead letting her saddened eyes absorb the blades of grass on the ground below the fence post they were now saddled on.

“Addie, you overcame that. You built a better life. You are stronger now and that’s what you need to remember.”

“I
overcame that because of Robert. Because he found me and befriended me and then he fell in love with me. He saved me,” she said, trying to smile. “I never told anyone about this until you.”

That made her slightly uncomfortable. It felt as though she’d known AJ forever. Talking to him was so easy.

“When Robert showed an interest in me and I didn’t return his advances, he was so patient, gentle, and kind. He knew I was broken – everyone did. He didn’t care though. He was careful with me; protective of me. He never made me feel like less than a beautiful woman. It was months of knowing him before I could even let him embrace me in a hug, because I wanted no human contact. I flinched at the slightest indication that someone might wrap their arms around me or shake my hand. I felt covered in this slimy memory of laying there as my dignity oozed out. Like if someone touched me it was either to hurt me or pity me. He just waited and let me handle everything on my own terms. That’s why I fell in love with him.”

“And now?”

“I want that for Rose, you know? To see two people who love each other. To see how he loves me – I know he does. Regardless of what he did, for the first time I can look objectively and really see that behind it all, he does indeed love me in some way. I want him to guide her, to show her what real love is, because I didn’t have that. I didn’t have parents to set an example of a good relationship. I don’t want her to end up like I did, AJ, making the mistakes that I made, walking through life with these invisible scars that brand her as a weakling.”

“You’re not weak, Addie.”

“Maybe not now, but I was. It took a lot to recover from all of that. All of it being self-inflicted. Robert and I can show her what a healthy relationship is.”

“But?” 

Her withering tone gave it away.

“But he walked away. I can forgive him for it, but I’m not entirely sure I can ever forget. Especially because he knew how badly it hurt to watch him go. Especially when he knew how much I needed someone to love me. How do I get past that,
knowing it would mean the world to Rose?”

He pulled her shaking body tightly against him, smoothing her hair with his palm.

“I wish I had the answers for you, but I don’t. I just want to make sure that you don’t put your life on hold for anyone else, you know? You shouldn’t live in a relationship you don’t want just because it would make Rose happy. If Robert is here to stay, there’s other ways for you guys to be a family – even if it is separate from each other. But if he makes you happy, I will do whatever I can to support you, as your friend.”

He stopped himself short. What was he saying, he thought? It was as though he were subconsciously trying to destroy their relationship. He couldn’t do that, because he couldn’t take care of her how she needed.

She looked at him and it was as if a movie began playing in her mind: flashes of AJ and her, his arms around her pulling her closer, his face leaning down towards hers. A smile, a laugh … a kiss. It all felt so real, not like she had imagined it. The emotion surprised her, sent a shockwave through her body. He
felt
real to her. Perhaps she was in love with this stranger, she thought for a fleeting moment before she dismissed it with a smile.

She didn’t know him. She knew Robert. That’s how it was supposed to be.

“How about you AJ,” she called over to him.

Wiping the sweat from her brow, she tossed a charred remnant of the wooden fence into the heap pile. She leaned against her shovel for support, tired and achy, from months of work as they sought to prepare the fields for the following year.

“What about me?” he replied without glancing up.

His chiseled arms stretched up above his head and brought the axe down with force, the charred post split so that he could pull it from the ground. He tried to avoid eye contact with her as much as possible because when he didn’t, moments like earlier crept up on him and he found himself pulling her into a hug. His body refused for some reason to listen to his mind, as it shouted at him to stop putting his hands on her.

“You ever been in love with someone?”

He took in a deep breath and wiped his brow with the hem of his shirt. “Not that I want to talk about.”

“Come on. I’ve shared my secrets with you. It’s only fair that you share some of yours.”

“I don’t have any.”  The lie slid far too easily off his tongue.

“I know that’s not true,” she replied, masking her frustration with a wicked grin. “I don’t really know anything about you.”

Correction, he thought. You don’t really remember anything you knew about me.

“I’m a private person.”

“AJ, come on!” Her voice was irresistible, and it took every inch of will power for him to avoid her eyes as she walked over towards him. “I just told you something no one else knows. You've got to give me something!”

“Addie, I don’t have any secrets. My mom died, but I already told you about that.” It had come out of his mouth in a snarky tone that he immediately regretted.

“You did?” she replied, somewhat flabbergasted at such a revelation. “I’m so sorry I don’t remember something like that.”

“Sorry Addie,” he replied and let out a deep sigh as he turned his back to her. He dropped his chin to his chest. Staying in town wasn’t proving to be an easy task. “I know you can’t remember. I’m sorry I brought it up.”

“Tell me about her,” she nearly whispered.

Her eyebrows bent in concern as she stared at the man in front of her. She knew he had been special to her at some point in her lost memory or else he wouldn’t have that medallion of hers. And she knew she was more to him than just a friend, otherwise he wouldn’t still be wearing it. She spent hours each day assessing her life. She loved Robert and worked on forgiving him, but somewhere in her heart she had a tie with AJ that wouldn’t let her completely let go and go back to Robert.

“It’s not something I want to talk about right now,” he replied, picked up the axe
. He swung it heavily back towards the wood. The sweat beaded on his skin, snaking like a rollercoaster over the bumps formed by muscle. “It’s nothing against you. It’s just me.”

She wasn’t backing down, and from the look in her eyes
, he knew he better confess a story or she’d pester him all afternoon.

“Fine, you win. I loved a girl once. Still love her. But it’s not something that can ever work out and so I’m here and she’s there and that’s the whole story.”

“That’s not the whole story. Tell me about her.”

He sighed. “She’s gorgeous, inside and out. She can make me laugh harder or get angrier than anyone on earth has ever been able to do. She’s intense
, but I love her stubbornness.”

“Anyone I know? Or used to know, post-amnesia?”

“You’d of liked her.” As long as you like yourself, he thought.

“So why aren’t you with her?” Addie had an inkling that AJ wasn’t talking about some girl he’d met years before.

“Because we all have to make choices and I’m here in Lee, helping Helen and Matthew and putting my life together. And she’s got a new life. I have to accept that.”

She walked over to him as he set the axe on the ground to pick up the pile of burned splinters, gently placing a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t expect it and wasn’t prepared for the contact.

She immediately felt a shock rush through her as her mind filled with images too vibrant to be anything but memories. She saw him hovered over Rose’s leg, his hands stopping the stream of blood that had been spraying into the air. She saw him in the open field she’d ever only taken Robert to, the sun setting around them as she lay wrapped in his embrace.

She stepped back, yanking her hand away from him. He turned to face her as their eyes made contact.

“I think I remembered something,” she whispered and pulled her fingers up towards her mouth as if to stop the words from coming out.

“What do you remember?”

“I saw something. At least I think I did.”

“What do you think you saw?” 

There was no way she’d remember, he reminded himself. She wasn’t meant to. If she did, he knew he’d have to leave town to protect her.

“You were stopping the bleeding on Rose’s leg. Is that where the scar came from?”

“I think you might have heat stroke,” he replied in a swift attempt to distract the situation. He walked over to her and lifted the back of his hand to her head. “You’re burning up.”

“Yeah because it’s hot as hell outside and I am working my ass off out here!” Her annoyance was glaringly evident.

“Let’s head on back for the day, Addie.”

“Did you stop the bleeding?” she asked,
yanking his arm back towards her as he tried to walk away.

“Addie, stop trying to force memories. You can’t make your mind remember things that didn’t happen.”

He wished there were something else he could say. He knew without a doubt that he had probably just forced the microscopic thought into her mind that perhaps she were crazy. Just as she believed her mother to be.

She looked straight at him as tears filled her eyes. He didn’t have to see her; he could feel
the beautiful, extraordinary orbs as they dug into his back in total contempt.

“Can we please go back, Addie?” he asked, slamming the driver’s side door shut after climbing inside.

“Fine,” she whispered. “Let’s go.”

They rode in silence back up to the house, not a glance between them.

As the truck ambled up to Addie’s place, the tension rose between them. AJ knew when he’d made the decision to stay in Lee that it wouldn’t be easy. He knew that he’d be friends with Addie and be close to her to some extent. He knew that his heart would break with each and every moment he wasn’t able to touch her.

He just hadn’t taken into account being the reason she was hurt over and over again.

“Listen, Addie,” he started, reaching towards her.

She pulled away, her eyes never leaving the windshield even though the car
sat at a dead idle. AJ got out and she slid over to the driver’s seat.

“Don’t touch me,” she whispered back through gritted teeth
as his hands approached her window. Addie’s hands rigidly grasped the steering wheel and AJ was sure it was to keep from punching him. She was feisty, memory or not.

“If you really want to know another of my secrets, about my mom, I will tell you.”

She softened her grip a bit and let her hands drop down to her seat.

“Fine. Let’s hear it.”

“Here goes. My mom died of cancer a few years back. It was only ever her and me. Watching her die was the single worst experience of my life.” He wanted to add second worst, next to losing Addie, but kept the thought to himself. “I don’t talk about her much because it is still just too painful. She was an incredible woman and when she was gone I was all alone. I found a friend in Max and he’s become the only family I’ve got now.”

“You have us.” She looked over towards him, the anger softening on her face. “You have Rose and me.”

“I know. And Helen and Matthew. It’s just really hard for me to navigate all of this because until a few years ago it was just her and me, and now it’s just me. I think that’s why you and I got along so well before. At first I thought you and Rose needed someone to be there to protect you. Until I got to know you and realized that you could pretty much protect yourself.” He smiled at her, a laugh escaping his lips. “Then I realized how much I needed you and Rose.”

“Was I the girl you were talking about before?”

AJ smiled. “Yeah, Addie, you were. I never had a family and I really, really wanted that. I still do, to some degree. But Robert is here now and you and Rose actually
are
his family. I cannot stand in the way of that and I won’t either. Not when I can see how much he loves you both. You and I had a connection, like you thought. It just isn’t the connection that either of us needed. We depended on each other, for something we were lacking in life. But you have Robert back now and he is the real missing piece. And I’ve got Helen and Matthew. So there’s no point in straining to remember the months you missed because they are nothing special compared to this enormous opportunity you have with Robert.”

Silence filled the air
. AJ tried wishing words into existence that would bring up any topic but this.

“I’m sorry, AJ.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.”

She got out of the truck and
both walked towards the hood.

“I do. I’m sorry I’ve put you in the middle of this whole circus act. I hope I never led you on or hurt you.”

“No. Any of that I’ve done on my own.”

He reached around his neck and undid the medallion, closed the clasp, and held it out to her.

“I want you to take this back.”

“AJ, I gave that to you.”

“You gave it to me when we thought we were something else,” he said, forcing it into her soot covered hands. “I appreciate the gesture, I do. But this belongs in your family. It should stay in your family. And now, Robert is your family.”

She looked down at the shiny medal in her clutch. She still didn’t understand how she would have given it to anyone she hadn’t felt strongly for. She’d never even thought of giving it to Joseph. Everything AJ told her made sense, but she didn’t feel as though it completely added up.

“Medallion or not, you’ll always be a part of my family,” she whispered, pulling him into a hug.

Robert caught the exchange from the doorway of the house and felt jealousy well up within him. Anger flowed through his veins towards AJ, a man he now assumed had no intention of letting Addie go.

As AJ headed back to the B&B, Addie went up the stairs into the kitchen where Robert sat waiting at the table.

“How was your day?” he asked, a hint of frustration in his gravelly voice.

“Fine, same old, same old. Lots of cleaning. Where’s Rose?”

“She went into town with Gram for dinner. What’d you guys talk about?”

“Didn’t really talk all that much, honestly. AJ’s not really a talker.”

“Really? I find that hard to believe.”

Addie shot him an amused glance.

“Jealous much?”

“I ain’t jealous,” Robert replied, stepping up out of his chair. “Protective, maybe. Not jealous.”

“Protective? About AJ? Please. That man’s never hurt a fly. He’d never hurt me.”

“Maybe it’s me he wants to hurt. For showing back up in your life.”

“You’re wrong. It’s me who wants to hurt you. Not for showing back up, but for bailing on us in the first place
, with no plausible reason, mind you.”

She loosened the lid on the peanut butter jar, dipping the butter knife in.

“There was a reason. And this isn’t about me. This is about you and AJ.”

He moved closer to her. He couldn’t stop the anger he felt, the jealousy
raging in his heart. He had given up years of his life already, he reminded himself. He was finally back to reclaim his family and no one was going to take that away.

“There is no me and AJ, Robert! He’s a friend. The best one I’ve got around here.”

“You have me now.”

“Yeah I have you – a man I’m trying to learn and love. You’re not making it easy though. You still haven’t told me why you left or where you’ve been. And I’ve never been anything but honest with you! I’m letting you build a relationship with our daughter, aren’t I?”

“Letting me?”

“Yes,
letting
you. Don’t forget that, either. I don’t have to let you near her at all. In my eyes, you gave up all rights to being a father when your last gift to us was the sight of your taillights heading away as fast as they could, down the road.”

“Are you ever going to forgive me for this?” he wailed, slamming his fists on the counter.

“Are you ever going to tell me why you left?” she screamed back.

“I can’t Addie! I wish I could, but I can’t.”

He wasn’t ready to let go of his powers. He wasn’t sure whether she’d forgive him and let them become a family again and if she didn’t, he needed to have a purpose in life. Once he told her about his abilities, they’d be taken from him.

“Robert, I can’t do this! I am trying my best to give you the benefit of the doubt. I’m trying my best to love you, but I just can’t do that when I feel like everything about you is one big lie.”