The Way We Were (24 page)

Ben threw the remote control across the room. It smashed against the wall. He had no idea how things worked. The new television was impossible. He went into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. Alice had a fancy new coffee machine. Jools had made him a cappuccino yesterday.

Ben stared at the buttons and tried to figure it out, but he couldn’t concentrate properly. He felt exhausted. All he wanted to do was lie down and sleep but he couldn’t because every dream brought him back to Eritrea, to the darkness. He wanted to be here, in the present, in the light.

He pushed a few buttons, then gave up and boiled the kettle for a cup of tea. His phone rang. It was Declan.

‘Howzit going, Benji?’

Ben smiled. ‘Good to hear your voice, mate, although you sound rough.’

‘I’m dying of a hangover. My cousin had another welcome-home party for me last night. I think it’s my tenth. I tell you what, our little sojourn in Eritrea has made me a very cheap date. After two pints I’m hammered.’

‘Sounds like fun.’

‘What have you been up to?’

‘Oh, you know, just getting used to being at home and spending time with the girls, although they went back to school a few days ago. Alice didn’t want them to miss too much.’

‘How’s Alice?’

Ben stirred his tea. ‘She’s good.’

‘Ben,’ Declan said, ‘it’s me.’

Ben sat down in his old seat at the kitchen table. ‘She’s different. She’s tougher and she seems distracted all the time. I know she’s had to be strong to get through the last two years, but I can’t find her. You know, I can’t find my old Alice.’

‘Give her time, Ben. It’s only been two weeks. Don’t forget, she thought you were dead. She mourned you. It’s going to take a while for her to get used to you being back.’

‘You’re right. I suppose I just thought she’d be the same.’ Ben didn’t tell Declan that Alice had been avoiding sex with him. After the first night, she had started coming to bed late, and when he reached for her, she said she was tired. It hurt. It really hurt that his wife didn’t want to have sex with him. On the two occasions they had had sex, it was as if she was somewhere else. She insisted on turning the lights off and closed her eyes. She seemed to want to get it over with.

Ben wanted her. He yearned to be intimate with her and to feel her naked body against his. She obviously didn’t feel the same. He was trying to be patient, but he was worried and frightened by her detachment.

‘How are the girls?’ Declan asked.

‘Jools is great, the same but a little wiser and kinder. Holly is still a little guarded with me. I think she’s worried I’m going to disappear again. She’s begun to relax a bit in the last few days, though. She’s always been a worrier and I’ve made that side of her worse by giving her so much to worry about.’

‘Stop it. No beating yourself up. Remember, we agreed that we weren’t going to let those bastards steal our future. They took two years but they’re not allowed to take any more. You can’t change the past. You have to live in the present, Ben.’

‘I’m trying. How are you sleeping?’

‘Shite. I’m waking up with nightmares all the time but, Jesus, the relief when I remember I’m home. I cry every time.’

Ben smiled. ‘Yes, I know that feeling.’

‘Mind you, I haven’t been alone since I got back. I’m a superstar in Dublin. There are birds throwing themselves at me. It’s a pity you’re married, Ben. I’m telling you, coming back from the dead is very good for your sex life.’

‘Different one every night?’

‘Pretty much. I’m doing what I said I’d do. I’m riding every bird I meet. I have to send them home early, though, because of the nightmares. The first girl stayed the night and the poor thing nearly had a heart attack when I woke up screaming and roaring.’

‘Has the hospital been in touch about going back to work?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What are you going to do?’ Ben asked.

‘I dunno, Benji. I can barely decide whether I want to shag a blonde or a brunette. I’m in no fit state to go back to work yet. I told them I needed time to “consider my options”. To be honest, I might stay in Dublin. It’s nice being back.’

‘I see.’ Ben was disappointed. He wanted Declan to come back to London so they could see each other regularly. He knew it was selfish of him, but he missed his friend terribly.

As if reading his mind, Declan said, ‘My family keep slagging me. They think we have a bromance. Apparently I say “Ben says” or “Ben thinks” all the time. Sean says we’re like conjoined twins. They all think it’s hilarious, but I do miss talking to you whenever I want. When something happens I turn around to tell you, but you’re not there.’

Ben smiled. ‘Same here. It’s because we’re the only people
in the world who understand. God, Declan, it’s harder than I thought.’

‘I knew it was going to be harder for you because you left a wife and kids behind.’

‘I just wish Alice would open up to me. She’s not angry or sad or hurt, she’s just numb. I can’t get through to her. What if she’s moved on?’

‘Ah, now, come on. She was crying her eyes out when she saw you in the airport. She loves you. Actually, my da asked about her. He seems to have taken a shine to your Alice. He was wondering how things were going with you both and I just told him that you said she seemed different. Da said, “Tell Ben to be patient and to talk to her about old times and remind her of how happy you were together and all that.” ’

‘It’s good advice. Thank Billy for me.’

‘Why don’t you come over to Dublin? It’d do you good to have a change of scenery. Come over and stay with me.’

‘I can’t leave now. I’ve only just come back.’

‘Well, if it all gets a bit too much, hop on a plane and come, even just for a night.’

‘Thanks, I will.’

‘What are you going to do about work?’

Ben lit a cigarette. ‘I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’m ready to go back, but I think I’ll go mad if I don’t do something. I can’t sit around the house all day. Alice went back to work two days ago, so it’s a bit quiet and lonely here. I’ve got a meeting with Nathan Meadows next Monday. I think I will go back – it’ll be a good distraction and good for the girls to see me back to normal.’

‘Well, take it easy. Get your confidence back with some appendectomies before you launch into the open-heart surgeries.’

Ben laughed. ‘Don’t worry, I plan to start slowly. And now I’d better let you go.’

‘Okay, mate. I’ll talk to you very soon.’

The phone went dead and Ben went out into the garden with his cigarette. He stared at the cherry tree. He knew it had been planted as a loving symbol, but he hated it. Every time he looked at it, it reminded him of all that he had lost.

Ben stirred in his sleep and opened his eyes. Jools was staring down at him. She was waving something.

He sat up. ‘Sorry, I must have nodded off.’

‘You’re exhausted, Dad, you need more sleep. By the way, was this you?’ She held up the black pieces of the TV remote control.

‘I couldn’t work it out and got a bit frustrated.’

Jools sat down beside him and pieced it back together. ‘It’s not broken. And, don’t worry, it took Mum ages to figure out the TV, too.’

Ben scratched his stubbly chin. ‘I feel ridiculous. I’m usually good with new technology, but for some reason I can’t get the hang of that television.’

Jools patted his hand. ‘You’re just out of practice. If I’d spent two years in a tent eating lentils, I’d be hopeless too. Mind you, I’d be super-skinny, which would be cool.’

Ben smiled. ‘You’re perfect, Jools. No one wants to be skinny – it’s unhealthy.’

Jools rolled her eyes. ‘Newsflash, Dad. Every girl in the world wants to be skinny. Clothes look better on you when you’re tiny. My problem is chocolate. I just love it.’ Jools pinched a very small bit of flesh that hung over her school uniform skirt.

‘You’re gorgeous, just like your old man.’

Jools grinned. ‘I’m so glad you’re back. It’s nice to have someone who looks like me in the house again.’

‘You’re so like my mother, it’s incredible,’ Ben said.

‘I’m glad you didn’t say I looked like Granddad,’ Jools joked.

Ben seized the opportunity to find out why there was so much tension between Alice and his father. When he’d asked Alice, she’d just muttered something about a disagreement and said that they’d had a little cooling-off time but nothing serious. They’d never got on particularly well, but now you could feel the tension when they were in the same room.

‘What happened between Mum and Granddad?’

Jools twirled a strand of her long hair between her fingers. ‘Well, last Christmas, Granddad and Mum were talking about you and he said that Mum shouldn’t have let you go to Eritrea. Mum said she’d begged you not to go and Granddad said she obviously didn’t do a very good job of it. So Mum got cross and said, “Ben is very strong-minded, like you. If he wants to do something, there is no stopping him, and if you thought it was such a bad idea, why didn’t you try to stop him instead of sitting on the sidelines and blaming me?” So then Granddad got all red in the face and said that if his son had been happy at home, he’d never have gone looking for adventure elsewhere and that he should have married a nice English girl who would have kept him at home and out of danger.’

Ben was shocked. No wonder Alice was cool with his father. How could Harold have said something so harsh? Sometimes he didn’t understand his father at all. Why would he alienate Alice and the girls?

‘Mum handled it really well. She didn’t lose it, or freak out, she just asked him to leave. We didn’t see him again until you came back. I kind of felt sorry for him. I mean, I know what
he said was horrible, but he was just sad and depressed and lashing out. Mum said if he apologized she’d be okay, but he never did.’

‘Sometimes my father can be very foolish and stubborn. Poor Alice, she didn’t need that.’

‘It was kind of horrible, especially as it was Christmas Day and we were all trying to pretend everything was fine. But after Granddad left, Mum said that the pretending was over and we went out to the tree and had a good cry, then snuggled up under our duvets and watched movies and ate sweets.’

Ben shuddered as he imagined them crying on Christmas Day. He had done that to them. He had caused them so much pain. He reached over and pulled Jools to him. ‘I’m sorry, Jools. I’m so sorry for everything I put you through. I promise to try to make it up to you.’

Jools shrugged. ‘It wasn’t your fault you got kidnapped. That was just really bad luck. Anyway, it’s over now and everything’s back to normal. By the way, I’m a total celeb in school.’

‘Really?’

‘Totally. Everyone is talking about you and your amazing escape and how brave you are and the girls think you’re really hot – for a dad – and the boys think you’re a hero. It’s kind of cool, actually.’

‘I’m glad I’ve raised your “cool” status in school.’

Jools flicked the television on. ‘My “cool” status was already sky high. You’ve just made me more intreeking.’

Ben laughed. He had sorely missed Jools and her mispronunciation. It was wonderful to hear it again. ‘Do you need help with your homework?’ he asked.

‘Does Victoria Beckham eat lettuce? Of course I do. But can we just watch one episode of
Keeping Up With the Kardashians
first?’

Ben was happy enough to put off having to do Jools’s homework with her. He still felt very tired. A kind of tiredness he hadn’t felt in captivity, a tiredness deep in his bones.

The programme started. A lot of girls with long black hair and far too much make-up were sitting around eating.

‘You’d better fill me in. What’s going on and who are these people?’

‘The Kardashians are like the American royal family.’

‘Really? Who’s their father? Some politician?’

‘No, Kim, Khloé, Kourtney and Rob’s dad was a lawyer. He defended some crazy sports guy who killed his wife but then he got off because his gloves were too small or something.’

‘O. J. Simpson?’

‘Yeah, I think that’s his name. Anyway, his lawyer, Robert Kardashian, was their father, but Kendall and Kylie’s dad is Bruce Jenner. He was in the Olympics or something, I don’t really know – he wants to be a woman now. They all have the same mother, Kris, and she’s a momager.’

‘A what?’ Ben was finding it difficult to keep up.

‘Momager – you know, a mum who is also a manager.’

‘What does she manage?’

‘Duh, their careers.’

‘What do they do?’

‘Well, lots of stuff, like photo shoots and opening nightclubs and they have a clothes line and they do make-up and Robert does socks.’

Ben watched as one of the dark-haired sisters shouted at a guy called Scott for drinking too much.

‘Who’s Scott?’

‘He’s married to Kourtney and they have three kids, but he has a drink problem.’

‘Are the other sisters married?’

‘Kim is married to Kanye West and they’re called Kimye now. She was married to this other guy called Kris, but it only lasted about five weeks. Khloé was married to this guy called Lamar. But she married him after nine days and he has loads of problems with drugs and stuff, so that’s over. Kendall and Kylie are too young to be married. Kendall is nearly the same age as me and she’s like a really successful model now, making zillions.’

‘Is her mother her manager, too?’

‘Yes, but I think Kim’s jealous because Kris is spending a lot of time momaging Kendall.’

Ben was having trouble following it all. ‘What about the brother, where’s he? Busy making socks?’

‘No. Poor Robert has issues with his weight. He’s really fat and he won’t go on the TV. They’ve put him into therapy and all of that, but he keeps eating. Khloé feels guilty because she thinks it might be because of Lamar and his drugs, but Kim just thinks he should get over his issues and stop shoving doughnuts into his face.’

‘What does his momager think?’

‘She was crying about it, but she’s getting divorced from Bruce so she’s got a lot going on. I’m not sure what’s going to happen now because I think Bruce and his sons from his first marriage will be axed from the show. They’re kind of boring, to be honest. All they do is surf and play with their dogs.’