The Way We Were (26 page)

Ben ordered a pint for David and a half for himself. He still had no capacity for alcohol. One glass of wine made him light-headed.

While he waited for his friend he pulled his purchases out of the bag. The leather-bound photo album was beautifully made. He had definitely chosen the right one. It was classy, like Alice. He had a couple of ideas for its use.

He checked the ingredients for breakfast. Yogurt, raspberries, blueberries and granola. Holly had told him that was Alice’s favourite at the moment. He was going to get up early in the morning and make it for her. He wanted to surprise her with breakfast in bed. Holly had said she’d help.

Things were better with Holly. She was still a bit shy around him, but she was definitely warming up. Thank God for Jools, he thought. Since the day he’d come home she had been the same. She seemed to be the only one in the family who hadn’t changed, although he did detect a watchfulness in her that hadn’t been there before.

Everyone kept saying it was going to take time to settle back in but it was frustrating. Having lost two years of his life, he was eager to get on with things. He wanted to fix everything and push the past behind them.

In all the long, sleepless nights in Eritrea he’d never imagined that he’d feel like a stranger in his own home. He just kept thinking how wonderful it would be to be back.
Granted, he’d worried about Alice meeting someone else, but it hadn’t happened. He didn’t know if she’d had a fling or one-night stand – and he didn’t want to. None of that mattered. What mattered was that no man had taken his place. What mattered was that Alice had been waiting for him. He had to focus on that. He had to remember that, even if she seemed distant and preoccupied, she hadn’t moved on. She was still his wife, still his Alice, and even if it did take time, they’d make it work.

David waved from the door and bounded over. ‘Hello, mate.’ He threw his huge arms around Ben.

‘Got you a pint.’

‘Lovely.’

‘Cheers,’ Ben said, clinking his glass against David’s.

David wiped some foam from his lip. ‘So, how are things?’

‘Good. I mean, I’m still adjusting, but I’m getting there.’

‘Excellent. Well, don’t put any pressure on yourself. I’m sure it’ll take a bit of time to get back into real life.’

Ben nodded. ‘Everyone keeps telling me to be patient, but it’s frustrating. I’ve been waiting to come home for so long. I just want everything to be perfect. I want Alice and the girls to be happy and for us to be a proper family again.’

David coughed. ‘Of course. I understand. I suppose, though, the two years you were gone will take a while to erase, as it were.’

‘I don’t think we’ll ever erase them. The guilt of it is killing me.’

‘Oh, mate, you didn’t do anything wrong. You just had really, really bad luck.’

Ben rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. ‘I should never have gone, David.’

David placed a hand on his shoulder. ‘But you did and a terrible thing happened to you that was not of your doing.
Look, everyone’s fine. You’re back. You must stop blaming yourself, Ben, or it’ll eat you up.’

Ben sighed. ‘That’s what my shrink says. I’m trying, but every time I jump when a door slams or I can’t work something like the ridiculous new television, I see pity and fear in Alice’s and the girls’ eyes. It’s as if they think I’m going to fall apart or have a breakdown. I want them to stop worrying. I want to look after them, not the other way around.’

David swirled his beer in the glass. ‘They’re just worried about you. It can’t have been easy over there. They … Well, we all just want to help you ease back into life here. You’ve been through what I can only imagine as hell. We’re just so happy to have you back home safely.’

Ben looked at his friend. ‘Thanks. It wasn’t hell. Don’t get me wrong, it was mentally torturous but physically it wasn’t. I just feel that when I get back to normal I’ll be able to put it all behind me. I want to go back to work soon. I want to start earning money and looking after my family. Alice has had so much to deal with and I want to take that stress away from her.’

‘She certainly did a good job of holding it all together. She was wonderful with the girls. But they were incredible too. They all supported each other.’

Ben chewed his lip. ‘Alice is finding it difficult to let go.’

David’s hand stopped in mid-air. ‘What do you mean?’

‘She’s so used to doing everything that she finds it hard to let me take on some of the responsibilities. She tried to stop me putting the bins out the other night. I think she still sees me as weak and damaged.’

‘Well, you’re very thin, mate. We need to strengthen you up. Why don’t you come to the gym with me? I can help you get those muscles back in shape.’

Ben smiled. ‘I’d like that.’

They sipped their beer in companionable silence.

‘I was worried she’d meet someone else,’ Ben said.

‘What?’ David knocked his glass against the table as he put it down, spilling beer on his trousers.

Ben laughed. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I’m just relieved that she wasn’t with someone when I got back. It was my biggest fear. She’s so lovely I was sure someone would snap her up.’

‘Well … yes. She is … she …’

David’s phone buzzed. It was Pippa. Ben thought he heard her say something about their son William and rugby, but David turned away and started talking very loudly. ‘What? … Hospital called? Emergency? Right. I’m on the way.’

He turned to Ben. ‘Sorry, mate, I have to cut this drink short. Problem with a patient.’

‘Well, it was good to see you.’

‘You too. Call me about the gym. Must dash.’ David waved as he rushed out of the door.

Alice slipped through the hotel’s side entrance, stopped for a moment to take a deep breath, then forced herself to walk slowly and calmly to the reception desk. Her adrenalin was still pumping from delivering the baby.

‘Suite twenty-one, please,’ she said.

The receptionist looked at her for a moment, then handed her the key. Alice took it and went to the lift. Her heart was beating like crazy as the lift rose to the fifth floor.

Although she had the key, she felt suddenly strange about walking straight in, so she knocked softly. Her shaking hands were trying to get the key into the slot when the door was flung open and there stood Dan. Her Dan. The smell of his aftershave, so familiar, was wonderful. He smiled at her, and Alice melted. She threw her arms around him and kissed him.

Dan pulled her in and slammed the door shut. They ripped each other’s clothes off and were naked in seconds. Alice wrapped her legs around him and inhaled his scent. Dan … Oh, Dan. Her body tingled with desire. She didn’t want to let go. She wanted Dan inside her, part of her, all over her. She relished feeling his weight on top of her. She was safe here – safe, secure and loved. They made love in a frenzy, then lay on the huge bed wrapped around each other.

‘God, I’ve missed you.’ Dan nuzzled her neck, then moved to get up.

‘Don’t.’ Alice curled her body tightly around his. ‘Stay with me. Please, Dan. Stay with me.’

Dan pushed her hair off her cheek. ‘What’s going on, Alice?’

Alice hid her face in his shoulder. ‘I don’t know. I’m completely lost.’ She wanted to tell him that she loved him, that she wanted to move into his house and block out the world, to live with him in a bubble, no problems or heartache.

Dan had been her haven from the drudge and worry of day-to-day life. She knew it was wonderful that Ben was alive, but it was so hard. They were like strangers.

Alice looked into Dan’s blue eyes. ‘I don’t know what’s going on. Everything is a mess. I came here to give you back your ring and say goodbye.’

‘Interesting way of going about it.’ Dan smiled.

Alice blushed. ‘I just … when I saw you … Sorry.’

‘You don’t have to apologize for greeting me with great sex.’

‘No, I’m sorry about all of … well, everything that’s happened.’

‘There’s nothing you could have done about it. I’m glad your husband’s home and safe for the girls, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. It throws an almighty spanner in the works.’

Alice smiled. ‘You can say that again.’

Dan moved to sit up against the pillows. He pulled Alice close to him. ‘So, how do you feel about him?’

Alice was glad he couldn’t see her face, which was buried in his chest. ‘I honestly don’t know. He’s not the same man. He’s changed. It’s … Everything is different.’

‘Do you love him?’

Alice winced, but she was determined to be as honest as she could. ‘I love him as the father of my daughters. But I don’t think I’m in love with him.’

‘Is it terrible that I’m pleased about that?’

Alice didn’t respond.

‘I love you, Alice. I want you. I don’t want to share you with anyone. I’ve been going crazy wondering if we were over.’

‘I’m sorry. I just had to focus on him and the girls.’

‘I understand. It hasn’t been easy.’ Dan paused. ‘I have to ask, are you sleeping with him?’

Alice shook her head. She didn’t want to admit to the terrible sex. It was too personal and it felt cruel to expose Ben like that. Here she was, lying again. Would she ever be able to tell the whole truth to anyone?

‘Well, then, I think we should make up for lost time.’ Dan wrapped his legs around her and Alice let herself go. She switched her mind off and used her body for release from the problems that threatened to crush her.

When Alice came out of the shower she found that Dan had ordered a snack.

She sat down and played with her food.

‘Not hungry, darling? I’m ravenous after all that … physical exertion.’ Dan put his arm around her. ‘Now don’t go feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. You were a widow. We fell in love. There’s no crime in that.’

‘Then why do I feel so bad?’

‘Because you’re a good person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone. But you have to tell him, Alice. You have to come clean.’

Alice played with the button on her jacket. ‘I know, but I need more time. I need him to be stronger first.’

Dan put down his fork and sighed. ‘Not seeing you is killing me, Alice. I want us to be together. I’m like a caged tiger, snapping at everyone. I’m driving Stella mad.’

‘How is Stella?’

‘Gutted. She loves your girls. She’s worried she’ll never see you all again.’

‘She will. It’s just … I need …’

‘More time. Yes, I know.’ Dan sounded fed up.

‘I have to tell him when the time is right, but I’m terrified he’ll hear it from someone else. Are you sure your friends won’t say anything? If the newspapers get hold of this I’ll die.’

Dan took her hand in his. ‘Don’t worry, Alice. I told you I spoke to everyone at the party in my house – no one will breathe a word. They understand the delicate nature of the situation.’

‘Thanks.’

Alice glanced at the clock on the table. Damn, it was almost six. She stood up. ‘I have to go,’ she said.

‘Not yet.’ Dan stood up and pulled her to him.

‘I have to,’ she said.

‘When will I see you again?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I need you, Alice.’

Alice pulled back. ‘He needs me more, Dan. I have to stay with him for now.’

Dan’s face darkened. ‘I won’t let you go.’

Alice gulped back tears and handed him the engagement ring.

He pushed her hand away. ‘No.’

‘I can’t keep it.’

‘Yes, you can. I’m not giving up on you. I want you to keep it. I love you and I’m not letting you go without a fight. I’ll wait for you, Alice. I’ll give you time, but I will not give up on us. No way.’

Alice nodded, unable to speak as tears streamed down her face. She grabbed her bag and rushed out of the room. She didn’t want to give him up, but did she have a choice?

Mummy and Jools just had the worst fight ever. It was awful, really awful. It started because Jools found a text on Mummy’s phone. We were all in the kitchen. Jools was on her iPad, and I was talking to Mummy about school. Daddy had gone to meet David for a drink.

Mummy’s phone beeped. It was beside Jools. She looked at it, then snatched it up. ‘It’s from Dan. What the hell?’ she shouted.

Mummy went red. She grabbed the phone from Jools.

‘Oh, my God, Mum, you were with him today!’ Jools screamed. ‘
Being with you today was amazing. To touch you again was mind-blowing. I love you. I’ll wait for you
,’ she read. ‘How could you do this to Dad?’

I felt really sick.

Mummy snatched the phone out of Jools’s hand. ‘Stop it, Jools. That’s private.’

‘You said you were going to break up with Dan. But you’re sneaking around meeting him and having sex! Why, Mum? Don’t you get it? You’re going to break Dad’s heart.’ Jools was shaking and she looked angrier than I’d ever seen her before in my life.

Mummy took a step back. ‘Jools, what goes on between Dan and me and between your dad and me is private.’

‘He’s home. We’ve got our dad after two years of utter misery. He is back and he’s so happy to be home and he loves
us so much and now you’re going to ruin it all because you’re a selfish
bitch
.’

Mummy slapped Jools across the face. She looked really shocked – like she couldn’t believe what she’d done. Jools stumbled backwards, holding her face.

‘I’m sorry. God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that,’ Mummy gasped.

Jools glared at her. ‘I hate you. How can you be so selfish? Dad needs us. You’ll destroy him.’

Mummy wiped her eyes. ‘I’m trying to break up with Dan, but it’s not easy. I spent months and months picking up the pieces, minding you and Holly, worrying, working and heartbroken, and then I met someone, and he was kind and wonderful and I fell in love. I thought your dad was dead. I didn’t do anything wrong, Jools. Ben was dead.’

‘Yes, he was, but he’s alive now,’ Jools shouted. ‘So when you run off and shag someone behind his back, that’s
cheating
.’

Mummy’s hand went up to her cheek and her eyes were really wide. She was white and her mouth opened but no words came out. Then she took a deep breath and said very quietly, ‘I can’t just turn my feelings on and off. I’m doing the best I can, Jools. I’m trying really hard, but it’s not easy.’

‘Yes, it is, Mum. Dump Dan and be with Dad.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘She loves him, Jools. She can’t help it.’ I handed Mum a tissue. ‘We all liked Dan and Stella. We can’t just pretend they never existed.’

Jools turned her spiteful stare on me. ‘Oh, typical you, Holly, always taking Mum’s side. What’s wrong with you both? Dad is back. He needs us.’

‘I know that,’ I shouted back. ‘I know he wants everything to be the same as before, but it isn’t, Jools. And Mummy isn’t
selfish. She did everything for us when Dad was gone. She was our person. She kept us together and did everything to make us happy again. She’s been through hell, Jools.’

‘So has Dad!’ Jools snapped. ‘So have I.’

‘Girls, please don’t fight. This situation is very complicated. I just need some time, Jools. I need to figure it all out in my head and I know your dad needs me. I’m here for him. I promise you that I’m doing my best, but I’m only human, so please don’t shout at me and call me a selfish bitch.’ Mummy wiped her tears with a tissue.

Jools sighed. ‘I’m sorry. You’re not selfish, but I’m scared. I’m scared Dad is going to find out that you were with Dan and that me and Holly were happy and that we liked Dan and that we were about to move into his house. I feel sick every time I think about it because I let Dad down. I moved on. While he was chained to a tree, I was in Dan’s house planning which bedroom I’d sleep in and having a great time with Stella. Dad’s my person. He’s the one who gets me and I let him down. Don’t you see? I let him down.’ Jools bent over and sobbed as if her heart would break.

Mummy rushed over to her and threw her arms around her. ‘Oh, Jools, no no no no. You didn’t let anyone down. You’ve been so wonderful and brave and supportive. I’d never have got through this without you. I told Dad how fantastic you were and he’s so proud and so grateful to you. You didn’t let anyone down, ever.’

Jools’s face was wet with tears. ‘But I did, Mum, I did.’

I suddenly felt really angry. Angry with everything. Angry with the mess we were in, angry with life for giving us so much to deal with.

‘No, you didn’t, Jools,’ I said crossly. ‘You just chose to live your life and not be miserable all the time. We weren’t wrong to move on, we
had
to. And … and …’ I started to cry too
‘ … Daddy can’t blame us for that and he wouldn’t. He loves you, Jools, and he knows you love him. I liked Dan and Stella too, and I was glad Mummy met Dan. We thought Daddy was dead!’ I said again, trying to get through to my sister. ‘We thought he was gone for ever.’

‘I just feel so guilty,’ Jools said.

‘You have nothing to feel guilty for.’ Mummy hugged her again. ‘You never stopped loving your dad.’

Jools sat down and put her head in her hands. ‘I’m sorry for shouting at you, Mum, but you have to break up with Dan and give Dad a chance. Please don’t hurt him. Please.’

Mummy looked utterly shattered.

I was going over to give her a hug when I saw him standing at the door. We all had our backs to him.

‘David got called away, so I came home early,’ Dad said.