The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story (36 page)

                My
lover is a Ph.D. from Brazil who is working in the US on a work permit. Because
we cannot legally marry, we will face expensive, drawn-out proceedings to
obtain a Green Card so that he can remain in the US. There are no guarantees
that he will be able to do so. We are faced with the very real prospect that we
might be separated by his having to leave the country. If we were man and
woman, we could marry and easily obtain a Green Card for him. Members of the
extreme right say that we want “Special Rights.” All we want are equal rights. –Texas

DOUG   
As if things weren’t bad enough
already, both houses of the US Congress voted overwhelmingly for The Defense of
Marriage Act, and it was signed by President Bill Clinton on September 29,
1996, only sex weeks before the airdate of “Same-Sex Marriage: For Better or
Worse.” It was on the minds of many respondents:

Sure, I voted for Clinton; I respect his choice
of spouse even though he doesn’t respect mine. –Iowa City, IA

                The
insanity of these good, loving couples being denied basic civil rights was
brought home at the end of the program when Diane Sawyer did a promo for the
upcoming episode of
20/20
featuring a story on Rosalie Martinez, a woman
who married a convicted rapist and serial killer. I’m sure glad Congress passed
and President Clinton signed DOMA. Now convicted murderers, spouse abusers,
deadbeat parents, and tax cheats can rest easy that gay couples will never
interfere with their enjoyment of the rights and privileges that go with
marriage. –Tampa, FL

ROSLYN
   
Many
emails also reflect the many layers of the conflict society faces right now.
There are several struggle taking place at once: Governments are grappling with
whether to bow to anti-gay extremists, the general public is endeavoring to
understand what it is that gays and lesbians want, and gays and lesbians
themselves are trying to prioritize where to direct their attention and
resources.

DOUG   
You don’t hear many, if any,
gay leaders positioning same-sex marriage as
the
top item on their
agenda, and for good reason. It’s not bound to win any time soon, and it’s only
one of many important issues facing gays and lesbians. And yet, after all we’ve
been through, I have a vested interest in seeing that change happen someday, and
that change certainly won’t happen unless many gays and lesbians decide it’s an
important issue – though not necessarily the only issue – to them. So seeing
emails like the next one thrilled me:

           
As a
gay man who has always been rather cynical about gay people trying to emulate a
straight ritual (and one that, let’s face it, bears a huge responsibility for
the way women have been kept down through the years) it did my heart good to
see these gay couples deeply committed to one another and joyfully embracing
the ceremony, each other and yes, even the clichés of modern marriage. It
brought tears to my eyes. My mind has been changed. I now say more power to
them! –Cincinnati

DOUG   
We didn’t decide to get married
to make any kind of political statement. But once we decided to do it, I felt
if we did back out it would be on one level, a political defeat or gays and
lesbians in general. And letters like the next two gave me great fulfillment,
knowing that sticking with out plans helped us become part of something bigger
than any one of us:

           
… I am
the mother of a 34 year old homosexual. He is the oldest of my 3 sons and the
only one that is gay… When he told me, I opened my arms to him and embraced him
and we cried together. … I cried watching your show tonight, my tears were
happy tears, for all 4 couples who seemed truly happy and content, and sad
tears, for my son who hasn’t found that total peace within himself yet. I love
my son from the bottom of my heart and will never give up hope that someday our
society will learn to accept homosexuals and realize that they are truly
wonderful, intelligent, giving, caring, and loving human beings. Perhaps when
that happens, my son will feel comfortable enough to truly come out of the
closet and find the true happiness that he deserves… -Trenton, NJ

ROSLYN
   
Being
gay and wanting to get married is such a daunting prospect it’s not surprising
that many gay people can’t envision themselves doing so. According to much of
the email,
Turning Point
often evoked tears of either sadness or joy.
Some gay people may have seen themselves as inadequate, or lesser human beings
than heterosexuals (the thought may have even been only subconscious) and
therefore not deserving of the honor of being in the spotlight at their own
wedding.

            Some
of the tears were surely shed because of feelings of rejection experienced by
gay children because their parents had refused to participate in a celebration
of their union with their partner who they wanted to commit to for life. And
still others may cry for the family that rejected them completely on finding
out they were gay. This is a scenario I’ve seen so often in working with
parents of gay and lesbian children. If the
Turning Point
program and
our support of our son, including hosting his wedding, helped one gay person to
communicate more directly with their family, and fight for inclusion –
resolving not to settle for, “Oh, so you’re gay… Thank you for sharing that
with us, and please pass the ketchup,” then all the effort we each expended
will have been more than worthwhile.

            This
last email was both unusual and unusually inspiring. Written in the core of the
heartland, it shows the depth of compassion and the expanding boundaries of
understanding and acceptance you can find in the more unexpected places:

                I
am a gay man living in [the Midwest] who has been married to a woman for [many]
years. While we are separating soon, my wife and I and our son have a very
strong and loving bond and even after we are no longer together, we intend to
remain the closest of friends. Eventually I hope to be able to have a “husband”
of my own, and my wife, son, parents and siblings all are very supportive of me
in this… WE are a family. We are a good, Christian loving family who realizes that
while gays are perhaps not the norm, we can be and are by and large loving,
caring people who have the same needs as anyone else. My [young] son watched
the program with me and he was also filled with a sense of joy for the couples
portrayed. He and I talked a bit and he let me know that when the time came for
me to join with a spouse of my own, that he would stand with me in pride and
share in my happiness. My parents have intimated that they too would be happy
to share such an event with me. Again, thank you for showing what is good in
people. I salute you, your entire staff, your producers… thanks also to the gay
couples and families for sharing their happiness with the rest of us and
bringing a bright ray of hope to the gay community at large.