The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story (33 page)

            And
I’d like a dollar for every person who asked me what happened in the end with
the
chuppah
salesman.*

DOUG   
The wedding was over, long ago.
Yet suddenly it wasn’t over. Not anymore. Thanks to
Turning Point
, that
climax in our lives was taking on a new, wider life. And this new wave of
response was having a remarkable effect on all of us.

______________________________________________________________________________

*When
ABC reran the program a year later (on Valentine’s Day, by the way), they cut
the entire Judaica store segment.

            Though
the emails were often more dramatic in their content, meeting affected viewers
face-to-face was a stirring, intimate experience. For all my worrying about
whether the show would reach people, and if so, with what message, the response
I got back loud and clear was that Roslyn and Sheldon had had a choice, and
they’d made the right one. And for that, they were heroes.

            I
couldn’t wait to talk about it, and the next morning we called them. “You’re
big news here! When people stop us to talk about the show, it’s like Andrew and
I are chopped liver. It’s you two they want to meet. What’s it been like up
there?”

            “It’s
just… well, it’s all been one incredible experience,” Roslyn told me. “The
wedding, the show, then all this… It’s so unbelievable how it’s all turned out.
It’s so gratifying to know we’ve been a part of this.”

            “I
know what you mean. It’s a high, you don’t want it to stop.”

            “You
know, I asked Sheldon, ‘Isn’t it a great feeling, knowing you’ve affected
people like this?’ and he still insists, ‘That’s fine, but I’m not out to
change the world.’ No, but isn’t it great to have made some impact? I should
write a book… or get a ghost writer!”

            How
many times have you said, “I oughta write a book!” or suggested it to someone
else? This one time it sounded an echoing alarm. And I answered it.

            “Well,
you know I’m a writer, Roslyn. Maybe we should work on something together.” No
response. “To keep the feeling going… of being a part of something.”

            Then
Roslyn said, in the offhand manner that might signal a perceived lack of
seriousness in my intent, “That sounds good.” Then she paused, and asked, a
little more interested, “How would we do it? Would it be just you and me, or
shouldn’t it be all four of us?”

            “You
think Sheldon would do it?”

            “He’s
come this far. Why not?”

            Down
at the beach, I told Andrew about my conversation with Roslyn. “Would you want
to do it?”

            “Sure.”

            “But
do you think your mother’s right about your father?”

            “Maybe.
Who would have thought he’d go on national television?”

            Andrew
and I ruminated together over the events of the last couple of years, and the
past few months in particular. “Think about how much of this was hard – not
just for your parents, but for us,” I said.  “You holding hands with me in
public, me going into Judaica stores… I mean, in the beginning you didn’t even
want to have the ceremony in front of people… Me officially coming out to my
parents, starting to deal with my wider family…”

ANDREW   
The topic turned from
the personal distance the two of us had traveled to the political boundaries
that still confined us: specifically my Canadian citizenship and lack of
permanent residency in the United States.

            “I’m
still considered a temporary resident. And what happens if one day immigration
rules change, and I can’t live and work in the States? I’d be forced to move
back to Canada. And what would you do? Move to Canada with me?” I didn’t wait
for an answer. “If I was a woman, I’d have a green card, and that would be the
end of the discussion. It pisses me off. Maybe I should call LAMBDA and see if
they would represent me in this.”

            “What
if it was a test case, with all the publicity?”

            “I’d
still do it.”

DOUG   
This from the same man who just
four months ago said he didn’t want us to be, theoretically anyway, the first
gay couple in the
New York Times
announcement section.

ANDREW   
It’s so corny, but I
can’t think of any better way to say it: I’d begun to think I could make a
difference in people’s lives. And if challenging my immigration status could
help not only me, but others as well, suddenly the concept of being the first
seemed an honor, not a burden. With no specific plan of attack, my real growth
wasn’t in action, but intent. Before, I’d been more concerned about keeping my
privacy than making a mark.

            No
question, this journey has been as liberating and empowering for me as for
anybody else. And educational. Much of what I learned came in the form of
emails that I read through when we got back from Florida. Once we started
thumbing through the stacks of mail Doug printed out from the
Turning Point
disk, there was no stopping.

DOUG   
And just to state the obvious,
we know the mail that the program generated was aimed at Denise and her crew
above all, and to ABC for the courage to present such a groundbreakingly honest
depiction of gays, lesbians, and their families. The remainder of the praise
was directed toward
all
the families who participated in the program.
Since we haven’t told the stories of those other families in this book, we’ve
stuck mainly to the emails that pertained to our story. But I’m proud to say
that my in-laws were singled out for their courage by many respondents.

           
…I am
going to save this show and show it to my entire family, who are not dealing
with my sexuality well at all. You will be helping so many people in their
personal lives. You should be very proud of yourselves, as we all are proud of
you. –Urbana, IL

                As
a gay man, I cried twice during the show. Once when the parents of one of the
men said they would walk the aisle with him and once when they did. My parents
definitely do not support me and I can only hope that they would send a gift.
–Ingleside, TX

                I
stumbled across your program tonite and was moved to tears. I had no idea I had
such strong feeling about marriage… Now suddenly, I realize how deeply I long
for my family to accept me, to support me in such an essential way… Thank you
for airing this show tonite. You opened up a part of me I didn’t know was
there. –New York City

                This
reminds me of what African Americans had to go thru in the 60’s. Hopefully, 20
years from now, we will look back and wonder what all the commotion was about…
The Queer community is finally getting the media to portray us as the average
couple next door instead of some depraved lunatics bent on destroying the
world… My partner and I have set a tentative date of our own wedding after
watching your show… -(Location Unknown)

                My
husband and I have been married for over 10 years. I watched your report last
night with interest and with regret. Chuck and I went through the same feelings
and emotions that were represented last night in your story. I cried during the
ceremonies and laughed at the anxiety that they all had, knowing that it would
all be right as soon as the ceremony began. I also cried because my family
chose not to attend our marriage. That part still hurts. And will always be
there. –Minneapolis

                One
quote has summed up what we have been saying since this issue began: “Twenty
years from now we’ll look back on this and wonder what all the fuss was about.”
With positive shows like yours, this future will come sooner. –Hawaii

                …You
now have my mother asking my partner and I, on an almost daily basis, about
when we will be able to legally marry. She is looking forward to a “real”
wedding, as our commitment ceremony was not official enough for her. –Northern
Illinois

THANKS
FOR SENSITIVE REPORT stop

FATHER
WAS RIGHT stop

WILL
LAUGH 20 YEARS FROM NOW stop –San Francisco

                You
showed the love that comes thru when people face their fear and simply love
each other. What Andrew’s parents said was pure love for their son and I thank
them for their support… -(Location Unknown)

…Tears were rolling down my face throughout the
hour… I’ve been wondering why I found it so touching. I think it was the
triumph of love over prejudice and misunderstanding those individuals must have
endured for much of their lives. –Vancouver, BC

Thank you, thank you, thank you! My parents watched
your show last night on same sex marriages and have completely changed their
minds about attending the ceremony that my partner and I are having next month…
-Location Unknown

At one point during the show, I became very
emotional. It was during the wedding ceremony for the two men from New York.
When one man’s parents walked him down the aisle, I began to cry. If and when I
find someone to share my life with, I plan to get married also. I know my
parents will do the same for me, and I know I will cry then as well.
–Rochester, NY

SHELDON   
As I read the email when
it arrived in November, it started to sink in. Maybe what Roslyn and I did
isn’t what everybody would have done. I don’t understand how some people can
think any other way, because it never would have entered my mind that I would have
done anything different. Even if someone’s not happy walking down the aisle,
how could any parent do anything else? It’s an education to me that this simple
action is touching to some people:

           
I was
so impressed with the very articulate, caring and so very supportive parents
you interviewed from Montreal. I wish and hope that more of our supposed caring
nation could understand the quality of love that these parents show toward the
son whom they raised and his choice for his future happiness. –Laguna Beach, CA

ANDREW   
Believe me, my parents’
support is appreciated. After reading emails like those, now more than ever.

DOUG   
That certainly goes for both of
us. By the way, there were a few respondents who weren’t quite so flattering.
Here’s a sampling:

           
Don’t
you realize how patently offensive it is to show gays getting “married” in a
traditional religious setting? I especially like the con job that the two
Jewish men pulled off on the hapless seller of chuppas – nice touch there ABC…
-Location Unknown

                You
wonder how deep the ABC sewer is… Women marrying women. Soon the only people
watching television will be perverts and morons. –Kalamazoo, MI

                They
are rotten people to the core and they violate God’s law. What you should show
on TV is how to rehabilitate those assholes; whoever had the brainstorm for
this show should consider a lobotomy for themselves. This trash is abhorred by
God and spoken of in the Bible as an abomination. The parents of those involved
are as much to be shamed as those who think they were married in the eyes of
God. GIVE GOD EQUAL AIR TIME. –Waldorf, MD

                …Those
people are violating all the laws of God and nature. They are extremely sick
people. They should be confined to separate areas. They are a burden to society
and should be put in hospitals for mental treatment. Those Jewish people ought
to be ashamed of themselves. –Southeastern Pennsylvania

DOUG   
We were riveted by what we
read, positive, negative, or in between. Many of the specific stories they
contained were extraordinarily moving. They illustrated the pain that so many
people have experienced. And they put in perspective the rather tame struggle
we had all survived.*

Weeks
after the show aired, I would come home and find Andrew poking through them. It
took over a month for us to go through all of the stacks, and as I found
particular letters that I knew would give Sheldon
nachas
(that’s Yiddish
for joy), I’d fax them to his office.

SHELDON   
As time passed, and I
re-read the email, and heard compliments from friends and acquaintances about
how we made things easier and paved the way for many people, including friends
of ours who have gay children, of course I was pleased. But I said to Roslyn,
“That’s all well and good. I’ll tell you what, though. If there is one more
ceremony like this in one year, then I’ll be happy that I did something
worthwhile. Never mind a handful, never mind a dozen, just
one
in the
Jewish community in Montreal. On half this scale even. Then I would say I
really accomplished something.”