The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story (35 page)

            Then
she asked, “What’s the other wedding?” “You’re going to Uncle Andrew and Doug’s
wedding,” I answered.

            And
she said, “Oh, yeah…” And then she pondered, her little forehead creased. “But
that’s funny,” she said. “They’re two men. How can that be, how can they be
having a wedding?” “When two people love each other,” I told her, “they get
married. Because they want to be together. It could be two men who love each
other, or two women, or a man and a woman who love each other.”

            She
was quiet for a moment. And then she declared proudly, giving birth to an idea,
“But they can’t have babies!” “I think they could,” I suggested. Puzzled, she
looked at me, and asked, “How?” “They could adopt,” I told her. I knew she
understood the concept of adoption, because her mother had explained that her
Uncle Mitchell is adopted.

            Finally,
with all the facts, she added it up. Her face registered that a new way of
thinking had taken hold. She struck her head with the palm of her hand, as if
it were a V-8 commercial, and exclaimed, “Oh Nana, I’m so silly! Why didn’t
I
think of that!”

            One
of the things I vowed when I found out about each of our sons’ sexuality was
that I would never hide. They would never disappear from my vocabulary. I’ve
seen it far too often: so many parents stop talking about their gay children.
Therefore, above all, I hope I can make the world a better place for my gay
kids by being visible myself.

            So
here’s a little unsolicited advice to other parents of a gay child: When
acquaintances ask, “Does he have a girlfriend?” –or if you have a daughter, “Is
she married yet?” –swallow hard if need be, but answer honestly. Remember the
more
out
you are, the less you have to hide, and the easier it becomes
for the people asking you the questions, because they don’t have to pussyfoot
around, and neither do you. Chances are they already know anyway. Gossip
travels fast. Don’t waste your energy hiding; use it to enjoy your child and to
enhance your relationship.

            I
often hear people say,
But I can’t do that. It’s too uncomfortable right now
.
No matter how long you wait, starting off will never be anything but
uncomfortable. The longer you wait, though, the more firmly ingrained the
patterns of avoidance become. And the task becomes monumental. You’d be
surprised how quickly the discomfort dissipates once you are actively working
on your goal. Where is it written that it had to be easy? Worthwhile endeavors
usually aren’t.

            And
before you say “Easy for her to say, she’s a social worker. She does this for a
living,” I’ve heard that line before, and nothing has proved more frustrating
for me. I’d like to clear up this misconception for two reasons. First, because
it’s hurtful, since it presupposes that I don’t have feelings. Second, people
with gay children might become intimidated and say to themselves, “Well, I’m
not a professional, so I could never do what she did.” One can assist others
who are dealing with gay and lesbian issues. One can have all the knowledge and
know everything related to this field (and I certainly don’t profess to know
everything), but that doesn’t make things easier when you’re dealing with your
own family member. Knowing the facts is a good starting point, yet it’s only an
intellectual exercise. It’s not easy for anyone, and you can’t do it without
emotional upheaval. Despite all that, it’s well worth the effort.

            Here’s
another good reason to be visible and stay that way: If we think that
legislators and governments are going to simply give our kids their rights, it
will never happen without our coming forward, standing up for them. We can’t
expect society to accept gay and lesbian people if we ourselves don’t
demonstrate that we accept our children. It’s absurd. Politicians and policy
makers have to see that there are families behind these people. And that gays
and lesbians are just as “
normal”
as anybody else. They get up, they
brush their teeth, they go to work, they pay their taxes. They fall in love.
They get married.

ANDREW   
And thanks to my
parents, we did just that.

            Sure,
we could have had a wedding without significant emotional and financial backing
from either of them. Instead, the greatest gift they gave us was their
involvement and support, exemplifying the commitment they both share for their
family. For this, and much more, I will always be grateful.

            Hopefully,
the courage they summoned to stand by me won’t be necessary one day. And
because of them, I am certain that day will come just a little sooner.

SHELDON   
So, am I pleased by the
whole experience? Frankly, I am not an observant religious person. I can’t even
answer the obvious question as to whether I believe there is a God. But I do
believe people should act and behave
as if
there is a God – a superior
being who might keep a ledger sheet of the good deeds and the no-so-good deeds
one performs during his or her lifetime. I am very comfortable with the belief
that Roslyn and I did the right thing for ourselves, our son, and his partner,
and if it influences society even a teeny bit, all the better.

DOUG   
As Tony Kushner said in the
oft-quoted closing of his classic,
Angels in America
, “The world only
spins forward. We will be citizens. The time has come.” Well, on that one
indelible night, we were given a rare and wonderful opportunity. And in that
moment the four of us stood together and gave our world an almost imperceptible
nudge. Forward.

APPENDIX

ANDREW   
Reading the emails
generated by
Turning Point
opened our eyes to several realities, putting
the lie to some stereotypes and reinforcing others. For one, geography was
often irrelevant. From Orchard, Texas, one woman wrote:

                We
can all learn a lesson from the parents and children of the couples on the
program… Wouldn’t the world be a better place if more of us tried to be as
unselfish and non-judgmental?

And
this, from a woman in Missoula, Montana:

           
I am a
happily married heterosexual – just for the record – and I was delighted to see
your story on same sex marriages. People are people regardless of their gender
or sexual orientation.

Evans,
Georgia, was the source of a particularly moving note:

           
My two
sons (age 19 and 16) told their father ad me that they are gay approximately 3
months ago… I watched your show with my 16 year old son. It was my first
experience actually seeing men hold hands, kiss, etc., and I had hoped that the
show would desensitize me, so that I wouldn’t go into shock the first time I
saw him doing it with a friend. I am so happy to report that it seemed so
natural, so caring, and so loving, that I didn’t even flinch. That meant a lot
to my son, I can tell you! ... It also let him know that some of our family
values (marriage, commitment, long-lasting love) were available to him even
with a gay orientation.

                When
my daughter got married, I made life-size decorations out of twisted paper of a
bride and groom. After seeing the program, I wrote my other gay son that I
still had enough black twisted paper left to make two grooms for his ceremony,
once he found Mr. Right.

DOUG   
Significantly, about
nine-tenths of the thousands of email responses that
Turning Point
received (most of it in the few days following the broadcast) were positive –
often in the extreme. The small amount of regular mail (or snail mail, as I
learned it’s now called) was also largely laudatory, but the margin was
narrower, at around two to one. Of the negative emails and letters, virtually
all share religion as their central theme. And most imply a direct pipeline
from God, i.e.:

“God
does not believe… God does not want… Same sex makes God mad.” –Indianapolis

“These
associations are abominations to God.” –Detroit

“God
did not intend for men to marry men and women to marry women.” –Brady, TX

            It’s
also notable that many respondents who wrote in
praise
also mentioned a
higher power. And like those angered by the program, they also see God in their
own image:

While
I was a Roman Catholic priest I preformed many such ceremonies, and I witnessed
countless joys during the celebration of these grace-filled sacraments… I pray
for the day when the State government affirms what is already happening in our
nation: committed, loving families blessed in the sight of God. –Manchester, CT

…It
seems strange that the Bible is used to justify behavior only when it suits
that person’s opinion. If we are to use the Bible, then we should use each
chapter and book according to what is written and not pick out part of a verse
what your opinion is and expect everyone else to agree with you. Thank you once
again. I am not homosexual but believe that everyone has the God given right to
love whomever they wish and no one should sit in judgment of anyone else. That
is God’s right… -Location unknown

ROSLYN
   
As one
email said,

“At
least the church’s failure to accept [same-sex marriage] is based upon
religious belief. What’s the state’s excuse?” –Location unknown

Of
course, I’ve long been aware of the injustices many governments allow to
afflict gays and lesbians, yet many of the letters we read put a personal face
on issues that are certainly matters of simple human rights. One such email,
from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, read:

My
partner died last April from AIDS. His wishes were to be cremated as soon as
possible after his death. Unfortunately, his body waited a full three days
before the crematorium would cremate him. State law requires the legal next of
kin to sign off for cremation… I fought with the funeral home and the
crematorium about having his father (with whom my partner had little to no
relationship from the time he was four years old) come to sign the papers. All
this at a time when no one seemed concerned about my partner’s wishes… and no
one seemed concerned about my grieving. Call it marriage, call it union, call
it domestic partnership… this country needs to recognize serious, committed
same-sex relationships and afford those involved the same rights, and responsibilities,
as those involved in heterosexual ones.

            While
the next email from Clinton, Massachusetts, and many others like it, were less
dramatic than the previous one, it shows how every gay and lesbian couple is
affected by the inequality they face:

           
My partner,
spouse, (or whatever euphemism you care to use), and I have been together for
almost 10 years… We own a home together… [e]verything we own is in both of our
names, because legally we are not considered “united.” If something were to
happen to one of us, the other would have to pay inheritance taxes (presently
at 55%) on something we have built together over the time we have spent
together, and whether that is 10 years or 50 years, the “punishment” is still
the same. At the same time, married couples enjoy the benefit of not having to
pay inheritance tax – where is the equity in legalities surrounding whom you
choose to build your life with?

DOUG   
A few emails, like the next
one, made a point that occurs to me every time I see a talk show delve into gay
subject matter:

           
… My
own study of this issue, though limited, has led me to believe that the bible
does not actually contain the condemnations so often cited (see, for example,
John Boswell, Christianity, Social Tolerance and Homosexuality) and that homosexuality
has not been as universally condemned as many people like to believe… Yet I
repeatedly hear people on television embrace, without even the hint of a
challenge, the supposed condemnations of God, custom and history as though they
were facts. Just once, I would like some reporter or interviewer to say to
these people, “Have you considered the possibility that you might be wrong?”
–Location Unknown

            The
problem, of course, is that biblical debate doesn’t make for “good TV,” so once
a bible thumper has called homosexuality an abomination, the talk show host
invariably steers the conversation clear of scripture before the opposite view
can be aired.

ANDREW   
As a Canadian living in
the U.S., mail such as the following came as no shock. Yet I suspect they may
surprise a few readers:

           
…We’re
a gay couple and have been together for seven years… I am American and my
partner is from [another country]… and has a Master’s degree in Architecture,
yet is unable to work legally in the U.S. He stayed in the U.S. because of me…
Just last week he went on an interview to an Architecture firm, they hired him
on the spot because of his talent, but they did not ask about his visa status,
and he was too scared to tell them… (He came here legally on a student visa, which
has since expired.) If he were a woman, we could marry, he would become a U.S.
citizen, work legally and that would be that. But such is not the case.
–Location Unknown