The Wild Rose of Kilgannon (10 page)

"Alex, why has Robert brought you home?" He shook his head. "I dinna ken, lass. I've asked myself that hundreds of times. I have my own theories, but the truth of it is I dinna ken."

The boys and I waited in the courtyard and Alex stood on the steps above us, his expression remote as the people gathered around
quietly
. He carried himself rigidly. I wondered how many of those waiting for him to speak knew what this control was costing him. Robert and his men stood to the side, silently watching the growing crowd. The boys leaned against me and I put an arm around each one. Angus stood next to us, Matthew and Gilbey just behind.

"What is Da going to say?" Ian whispered to me.

"He'll tell the people what's going to happen, that he's going to leave. They will be unhappy. We must be as brave as he is." Ian nodded, his eyes dark and serious.

Jamie wrapped his arms around my waist. "Is my da brave?"

"Yes, sweetheart," I said
gently
, looking from Jamie to Alex. "He's the bravest man in the world." Jamie nodded but I knew he didn't understand what was happening. I'm not sure I did.

"Yer da's a braw man, Jamie, lad," Angus said hoarsely.

I met his eyes over the boys' heads. "Have you talked to him?"

"I have," Angus said. "It made no difference, lass, but I talked. I couldna change his mind."

"Nor I." I sighed. "Angus, could we defend ourselves?"

He nodded. "Aye. At a cost, but aye."

"What cost?" I asked.

"Glendevin. Glengannon. All the outlying areas, lass. We couldna hold them. Alex kens that and so do the clansmen."

"He feels he has no choice."

"There's always a choice, Mary. And always a cost."

I nodded and turned to look at Alex as he stepped forward. His voice wavered at first, then grew stronger until it rang across the courtyard easily. He looked over our heads as he spoke.

"I have gathered ye to say farewell," he said. "I leave on the morrow and I willna be coming home again." He ignored the muttering of his audience. "Despite what ye might have heard, we were no' defeated at Sherrifmuir. We held our position and we defeated the enemy before us. Some of ye lost men ye loved in that battle and for that I ask yer forgiveness. They were brave lads and should be remembered as such. I take all responsibility for their deaths. Had I kent what I was leading us into I mightna have done it. And on the way home we lost Finlay and Gabhan, good men as well. They will long be mourned. For their loss I beg yer forgiveness again." He paused and took a deep breath, glancing at Robert. "There will be a new laird at Kilgannon soon, I ken no' who it will be, but it willna be a MacGannon. Any MacGannon." He ignored the ripple of murmurs. "I will be escorted from here tomorrow and brought to Edinburgh for trial. Lord Campbell will return to give my wife and sons safe passage to her family in England. I ask ye again to treat Robert Campbell as my guest."

Dougall's voice came from behind me. "Ye ken what happened the last time a man named Robert Campbell was offered hospitality in the Highlands, Alex?" The crowd, remembering the Glencoe massacre, muttered its agreement. I did not look at Robert.

Alex glared at him. "This Robert Campbell is far different, and
ye'd
treat him with respect, Dougall." He looked across the crowd. "All of ye. Kilgannon is no' Glencoe and I would have our hospitality extended to a man who has

been most generous to me. I willna have it said that Kilgannon abuses its guests."

"Dinna go, Alex," Dougall said." 'Tis not necessary. We can rid ourselves of the Campbells with no difficulty." Men near him nodded. Robert did not move but his men reached for their weapons.

"Oh, aye, Dougall," Alex said, nodding. "We could do that. And then what?
Ye've
seen the strength of the English army, man. Ye saw the sights we all passed on the way home. Would ye have that here? Tell me, Dougall, look around ye and tell me, which man's home could ye have burnt and feel no sorrow? Which woman could ye have raped and feel no guilt? Which bairn thrown against a wall and no matter? Who can we call dispensable?" Murmurs sped through the people and men moved restively, looking from their wives to their children.

"No' ye, Alex," Dougall persisted. "No' ye. We can call for help. Surely the MacDonalds, or Clanranald..."

Alex shook his head. "The MacDonalds are dispersed, some to France. The rest are trying to survive. They have no force to aid us. Clanranald has asked us for aid. We have no one to help us."

"Then we fight on our own," Dougall said and men nodded.

"Oh, aye, Dougall," Alex said. "Ye and me and the hundred men we have left. We have bonnie warriors and the best war chief in the world, lad, but we canna hold off the English army and all the mercenaries they have arriving daily. And if we do try and fail, Dougall, then I'll be alive and I can watch with ye from the hillside as they burn Glengannon and Glendevin and then march into my home. We can watch as our women are raped and our children murdered and our ships burnt. Did ye no' see what I did as we came home? Did ye no see what they did and what was left? I willna have that here. No, Dougall, it's better that one man is imprisoned or executed than that many die for the one."

"Alex, if ye go, who will lead us? Ye've been a braw leader."

"I thank ye for that, cousin, but I'm easily replaced, I'm thinking. Dougall, ye ken that if I stay and if we fight, there will be nothing and no one left to lead."

"We can take to the hills."

"Aye." Alex nodded. "For a bit. But what about winter? How can ye raise children when yer running, with no homes and no cattle? Men can do it but look around ye. Look at the faces of these women and children. Would ye have them starve and die for me, so that I can live? Dougall, I ken what yer thinking and I thank ye for it, but it makes no sense." Alex looked across the now silent crowd. "What has a better solution? Can any of ye think of a better way out of this? Have ye a plan that would leave Kilgannon intact and the English away from our door? For if ye have, I'd be glad to hear it. I have no desire to leave ye and go east with the Campbell but I canna think of another way to assure
Kilgannon's
safety. If ye have a better solution, tell me. If no', then let me go and bring what peace I can buy for our home."

"There must be something else," Dougall said.

"If there is I dinna ken it," Alex said. Next to me Angus closed his eyes and hung his head, his fists clenched. Dougall nodded, his face plainly showing his despair. The clouds above us had melded into a
grey
dome and the breeze freshened further. I wondered if it would rain before dark or perhaps snow. And if it did, would the window in the library leak again? I felt myself swaying. Ian wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my side and I came
abruptly
back to myself. Alex was speaking again, his hair lit
brilliantly
now by a shaft of light. I hugged the trembling boys to me and rubbed Ian's back.

"I thank ye for yer help through these troubled times and for the faith ye had in me, but I canna keep this from our door. I led ye into this disaster and this is the only way I ken to get ye out." Alex foundered, his pain visible. He opened his mouth and then closed it again and looked at me in desperation. Behind me men were muttering and a woman sobbed.

"Dinna blame yerself, Alexander MacGannon," called a harsh voice. I turned to see Duncan of the Glen shouting, his face flushed. "Ye were betrayed, we as well. Ye did nothin' wrong.
Ye've been a good laird and I'm happy to have fought with ye."

Alex leaned forward. "I thank ye, Duncan, but..."

"Nay, Alex," cried Thomas, his voice raw with emotion. "We'll ha' none of this. We went willingly enough. And 'tis not us payin' this price, 'tis ye and yers. It should be Malcolm and Bobbing John on trial and maybe dying, not ye." He turned to the others and roared, "We will avenge ye!" The crowd blared its agreement and behind me Matthew and Gilbey raised their fists, shouting with them. Angus opened his eyes. Alex struggled for control before he held up his hands. I was crying now, the boys sobbing into my skirt. Alex raised his hands higher, his voice strong, the Earl of Kilgannon again, giving orders.

"Do not, Thomas MacNeill," he said firmly. "If ye avenge me more will die. I will come ba' from my grave and haunt ye, man." He smiled a twisted smile and his tone softened. "I coulda brought English vengeance on us easier ways than this. Dinna avenge me, Thomas. Ye must help me bring what peace Kilgannon can have or it's all been in vain." He looked from man to man. "Give me yer word. All of ye." Silence greeted him. Alex looked across the crowd slowly, paused and waited. I thought for a moment that he was lost but he stepped back, crossed his arms and tapped his foot impatiently as he threw back his head. "I am waiting!" He shouted to the sky. "And I dinna have much time." There was a pause and the roar of laughter that followed was mixed with rage and fear. Ian and Jamie watched their father, fascinated.

"Alex," said Angus, his voice clear and calm. "We'll do as ye ask." He turned to the others. "Won't we, lads?" A murmur of agreement went through the men. Alex nodded and met Angus's eyes.

"I thank ye for that, Angus. As always, cousin, I thank ye. And I'll hold ye to it. Now, come," he said to the crowd, "we have our kinsmen to mourn. Let's have at it."

Alex jumped from the step and swept the boys and me along with him. We did not speak as we walked to the cemetery, but he grabbed Jamie with one arm and wrapped the other around Ian. The boys clung to him and I walked behind the three, with Angus, the clan, and Robert and his men following us up the hill behind the casde. I remember
little
of the ceremony that the priest held, only that the sky descended and a fine mist enclosed us as the pipers began. Alex's arm went around me and we huddled in the wet
greyness
, listening to the mournful eulogy.

Seamus MacCrimmon started the piping alone and the others joined in and then died away, leaving Seamus alone again. I felt the music soothe my soul as always and tried not to realize that we were mourning not only the men lost in the rebellion but the end of the MacGannon line at Kilgannon, for life as we had known it. For Alex. The boys wrapped their arms around him and he held me close, but he seemed beyond our reach. He had withdrawn into himself and

I felt a wave of loneliness. He has already gone from us, I thought, but even as the thought formed, he kissed my hair. I closed my eyes for a moment and wished us anywhere else but here. The priest said one last prayer and the crowd moved down the hill, followed slowly by Seamus and the pipers. Alex, the boys, and I stayed behind, standing
silently
over the graves for a long while, with Angus, Matthew, Gilbey, and Dougall. And Robert. And then Alex led us back to the casde.

I'm sure that somehow food was on the tables and that we were cordial to our guests. I vaguely remember talking with Robert about the rose garden that we had planted, but what else we said and what we ate I don't know. All I remember clearly is Alex's leg next to mine throughout the meal and the glow the candlelight brought to his hair. Like spun gold, I thought. I'm not sure I spoke intelligibly at all. After dinner Alex called for music. Murreal and Thomas sang and for a moment I forgot why we were gathered and leaned against Alex as I listened. But when they sang about lost love I had to fight my hysteria again. I'm sure that somehow the boys were put to bed and Robert and the others shown their rooms, but I don't remember any of it.

A
LONE AGAIN IN OUR ROOM MUCH LATER. ALEX AND I Stood together before the fire. Our last night together, I thought, trying to still my hysteria. I stole a look at him as he studied his hands, and realized with a start that tears were trickling down his cheeks. I wrapped my arms around him with a sob of my own, and he pulled me close. I'll never feel his body against me again after tonight, I thought, and lifted my mouth to his kiss. He found my lips and breasts and I pulled the clothes from him as he did the same to me. When we were both naked again he held my arms away from me and studied me. "I'm memorizing ye, lass," he said. "Look at yer skin in the firelight. Look how yer curves cast shadows, Mary." He leaned forward to kiss my shoulder, then worked his way lower. "
I’m
memorizing ye, lass," he murmured. "My lips need to memorize ye too."

I watched him and sobbed, my tears falling on his hair as I pulled it free of its binding. He stood then and kissed my tears away, his mouth at first gentle, then more insistent. I put my hands on his hips and pulled him against me, luxuriating in the feel of his skin against mine from my shoulder to my toes, in the leanness of his body and its response to mine. How long we stood in front of the fire or how we got to the bed I don't know. Our lovemaking was fierce and wordless. Afterward I lay next to him, his heart steady in my ear, and I slept at last.

I woke sometime in the night and he was gone. The fire had dwindled to embers and as I gathered the bedcovers around me to ward off the cold the thought came unbidden and unwelcome: It will ever be like this. You'll always

wake alone. I threw a nightdress on and, wrapping my cloak around me, stole from the room. All was quiet as I crept down the stairs, and at the bottom one of our men-at-arms nodded at me. "Where is he?" I whispered.

"In the library, Lady
Mary
."