The Woman of Andros and The Ides of March (17 page)

Last night I sat down and wrote the edict abolishing the College of Augurs and declared that henceforward no days were to be regarded as unlucky. I wrote on, giving to my people the reasons for this action. When have I been happier? What pleasures are greater than those of honesty? I wrote on and the constellations glided before my window. I disbanded the College of Vestal Virgins; I married the daughters of our first houses and they gave sons and daughters to Rome. I closed the doors of the temples, of all our temples except those of Jupiter. I tumbled the gods back into the gulf of ignorance and fear from which they came and into that treacherous half-world where the fancy invents consolatory lies. And finally the moment came when I pushed aside what I had done and started to begin again with the announcement that Jupiter himself had never existed; that man was alone in a world in which no voices were heard than his own, a world neither friendly nor unfriendly save as he made it so.

And having reread what I wrote I destroyed it.

I destroyed it not for Cicero’s reasons – not because the absence of a state religion would drive superstition into clandestine forms and still baser practices (that is already taking place); not because so sweeping a measure would disrupt the social order and leave the people in despair and dismay like sheep in a snowstorm. In certain orders of reform, the dislocations caused by gradual change are almost as great as those caused by a total and drastic alteration. No, it was not the possible repercussions of the move which arrested my hand and will; it was something in and of my self.

In myself I was not certain that I was certain.

Am I sure that there is no mind behind our existence and no mystery anywhere in the universe? I think I am. What joy, what relief there would be, if we could declare so with complete conviction. If that were so I could wish to live forever. How terrifying and glorious the role of man if, indeed, without guidance and without consolation he must create from his own vitals the meaning for his existence and write the rules whereby he lives.

You and I long since decided that the Gods do not exist. Do you remember the day that with finality we agreed upon that decision and resolved to explore all its consequences – sitting on the cliff in Crete, throwing pebbles into the sea, counting porpoises? We took a vow never to allow our minds to offer entrance to any doubt upon this matter. With what boyish lightheartedness we concluded that the soul was extinguished at death. [
The English language cannot reproduce the force of this phrase in Caesar’s Latin where the very cadence expresses a poignancy of renunciation and regret. The recipient of the letter understood that Caesar was referring to the death of his daughter Julia, the wife of Pompey, the overwhelming loss of his life. Mamilius Turrinus was with him when the news of her death reached Caesar’s headquarters in Brittany.
]

I thought I had not relapsed from all the strictness of these assertions. There is only one way, however, to know what one knows and that is to risk one’s convictions in an act, to commit them in a responsibility. In drawing up the edict last night and in foreseeing the consequences that would ensue, I was driven to examine myself most strictly. All the consequences I would most gladly face, certain that the truth would ultimately fortify the world and all that are in it, but only if I were certain that I was certain.

Some last hesitation arrests my hand.

I must be certain that in no corner of my being there lingers the recognition that there is a possibility of a mind in and behind the universe which influences our minds and shapes our actions. If I acknowledge the possibility of one such mystery, all the other mysteries come flooding back: there are the Gods who have taught us what is excellent and who are watching us; there are our souls which are infused in us at birth and which outlive our death; there are the rewards and punishments which furnish a meaning to our slightest action.

Yes, my friend, I am not accustomed to irresolution and I am irresolute. You know how little I am given to reflection; whatever judgments I arrive at I arrive at I know not how, but instantaneously; I am not adept at speculation, and since the age of sixteen I have regarded philosophy with impatience, as a tempting but fruitless exercise of the mind and as a flight from the obligations of immediate living.

It seems to me that there are four realms in which, with dread, I see in my life and in the life about me, the possibility of this mystery:

The erotic – have we not explained away too easily all that accompanies the fires that populate the world? Lucretius may be right and our jesting world wrong. I seem to have known all my life, but to have refused to acknowledge that all, all love is one, and that the very mind with which I ask these questions is awakened, sustained, and instructed only by love.

Great poetry – poetry is indeed the principal channel by which all that most weakens man has entered the world; there he finds his facile consolations and the lies that reconcile him to ignorance and inertia; I count myself second to no man in my hatred of all poetry save the best – but great poetry, is that merely the topmost achievement of the man’s powers or is that a voice from beyond man?

Thirdly, a moment that accompanies my illness and whose intimation of greater knowledge and happiness I cannot hastily dismiss. [
This sentence is evidence of the unbounded confidence that Caesar f e l t in his correspondent. Caesar never permitted any reference to be made to his attacks of epilepsy.
]

And finally, I cannot deny that at times I am aware that my life and my services to Rome seem to have been shaped by a power beyond myself. It may well be, my friend, that I am the most irresponsible of irresponsible men, capable long since of bringing upon Rome all the ills that a state can suffer, but for the fact that I was the instrument of a higher wisdom that selected me for my limitations and not for my strength. I do not reflect, and it may be that that instantaneous operation of my judgment is no other than the presence of the
daimon
within me, which is a stranger to me, and which is the love which the Gods bear to Rome and which my soldiers worship and the people pray to in the morning.

A number of days ago I wrote you in arrogance; I said that, respecting no man’s good opinion, I was not interested in any man’s advice. I come to you for counsel. Think over these things and give me all your thought when I see you in April.

In the meantime I scan all that passes without and within me, and particularly love, poetry, and destiny. I now see that I have been putting these questions all my life, but one does not know what one knows, or even what one wishes to know, until one is challenged and must lay down a stake. I am challenged; Rome is requiring some new enlargement of me. My time grows short.

Cassia, wife of Quintus Lentulus Spinther, from her villa at Capua, to the Reverend Maid, Domitilla Appia, Clodia’s cousin, a Vestal Virgin.

[
September 1 0
.]

For the sake of our long friendship, my dear Domitilla, I feel I must write you at once about a decision I have taken. I intend to ask for the disbarment of Claudilla [
Clodia Pulcher
] from the Mysteries of the Good Goddess.

I realise all the gravity of what I shall do.

Claudilla has just stayed at my house for three days on her journey from Baiae to Rome and some events have taken place which I feel I must recount to you in detail.

On arriving she showered us with endearments. She has always pretended that she loved me, my husband, and my children; she has assumed that we love her; but I have long known that she has never loved any woman, not even her mother, nor any man either.

As you know, to receive Claudilla as a house guest is like receiving a proconsul returning from his province. She arrives with three friends, ten servants, and a dozen outriders.

Now my husband and I have long known that any view of another’s happiness is repugnant to your cousin. In her presence we may not exchange understanding glances; we may not caress our children; we may not point out improvements to the villa; we may not take pleasure in the works of art which my husband has collected. The immortal Gods, however, have given us much happiness and we are not clever at dissembling, even when the laws of hospitality enjoin us to appear contentious and discontented.

Claudilla is always at her best at beginnings. The first day she was gracious to all. Even my husband conceded that she talked brilliantly. After dinner we played ‘portraits’ and she did, he said, the best portrait of the Dictator that could conceivably be made.

Now the things I am going to tell you may not seem as decisive to you as they do to me, several of them may even seem to you to be trifles.

The second day she decided to create havoc about her. That she insulted me I pass over; that she made my husband unhappy fills me again this moment with rage. My husband takes a great interest in genealogy and great pride in the achievement of the Lentulus-Spinther family. She began making fun of them: ‘Oh, my dear Quintus, you can’t really,
etc.
. . . a few mayors up in the Etruscan country . . . but no one actually believes they were even noticed by Ancus Martius . . . a respectable family, of course, Quintus.’ I don’t know anything about such things; of course, she has everybody’s cousin’s name right back to the Trojan War. She knew she was lying and she just did it to
poison
my husband, which it did.

Without telling us, she had invited the poet Gaius Valerius Catullus to join her here. We were glad to see him, particularly my children, though we would much have preferred to see him alone. When she’s around he’s either in the heavens or in hell. This time he was in hell, and soon we all were.

Now, Domitilla, I do not stay awake to find out what visits my guests may be paying in one another’s rooms; but I do not like to feel that my house has been selected to be the scene of a cruel indignity. Since your cousin invited Valerius Catullus to join her here I was ready to assume that she looked favourably on a love which has been sufficiently widely celebrated in his verses which I think are very beautiful. But apparently not: she chose my home in which not only to bar the door to him but to bar herself in with another man – that wretched little poet Verus. My husband was awakened during the night by noises in the stable and there was the poet borrowing a horse in order to depart at once for Rome. He was beside himself with rage; he tried to apologise, he stammered; he sobbed. Finally my husband took him to our old villa across the road and watched over him until morning. Even a Vestal, dear Domitilla, can understand how shameful, how derogatory to our whole sex, her behavior was – how contemptible. The next morning I spoke to her about it. She looked at me coldly and said: ‘It is quite simple, Cassia. I will not permit any man, any man, to think he has any rights over me whatever. I am a completely free woman. Catullus insists he has a claim on me. I had to show him quickly that I did not recognise any such claim. That is all.’

I could think of no answer then, but I have thought of a thousand since. I should have trusted to my impulse and have asked her to leave the house at once.

As we were finishing dinner that afternoon my children came into the court with their tutor, visiting the altars for their sunset prayers. You know how devout my husband is and all our household. Claudilla, in their hearing, began scoffing at the salt ceremony and the libations. I could endure it no longer. I stood up and asked everyone else to leave the court. When we were alone I told her to take her party and go. There is an inn four miles up the road. I told her that I would apply for her disbarment from the Mysteries.

She looked at me a long time in silence.

I said: ‘I see you do not even see wherein you have been offensive. You may leave in the morning, if you prefer,’ and I left her.

In the morning she was most correct. She even apologised to my husband for any words which may have appeared unsuitable. But I have not changed my mind.

Clodia, on the road to Rome, to Caesar.

[
From the Inn at the 20th Milepost, south of Rome
.]

[
September 10
.]

[
This letter is in Greek
.]

Son of Romulus, descendant of Aphrodite:

I have received the expression of your contempt and of your profound regret that you cannot be present at my brother’s dinner. It appears that you are engaged on that afternoon with the Spanish Commission. This you tell to me who know – who better? – that Caesar does what he wishes and that what he wishes is accepted without demur by the Spanish Commission and by the trembling proconsuls.

You have long since made it clear to me that I may never see you alone and that I may never come to your house.

You despise me.

I understand that.

But you have a responsibility toward me. You made me what I am. I am your creature. You, a monster, have made me a monster.

My claim has nothing to do with love. Beyond love, far beyond love, I am your creature. In order not to importune you with this thing they call love I have done what I have done: I have brutified myself. You who understand everything (for all your pretense at being noble and blank) you understand that. Or does your public and ostentatious stupidity forbid you to know the things that you know?

Tiger! Monster! Hyrcanian Tiger!

You have a responsibility toward me.

You have a responsibility toward me.

You taught me all that I know; but you stopped short. You withheld the essential. You taught me that the world has no mind. When I said –
that
you remember and why I said it – that life was horrible, you said no, that life was neither horrible nor beautiful. That living had no character at all and had no meaning. You said that
the universe did not know that men were living in it.

You do not believe that. I know, I know that there is one thing more that you have to tell me. Anyone can see that you behave as though something for you holds reason, holds meaning. What is it?