The World's Awesomest Air-Barf (12 page)

She jumped into the truck next to Bernie and Butch, winked at the boys and, with lights flashing, sped off towards Bugsby Tyke.

‘Come on!’ said Grandad, grabbing his vegetables. ‘Let’s get going. I can’t wait to see Ernie Slack’s face when he catches sight of this little
lot!’

As usual, Grandad’s neighbour Tom Abson had made room in his Low Meadow for the Puddlethorpe Annual County Fair. The field was a hotch potch of animal pens, stalls and
sideshow attractions, and at its centre stood the candy-striped canopy of the main marquee, surrounded by a makeshift racetrack.

Danny and Matthew helped Grandad Nobby carry his enormous vegetables into the marquee, where the judging would take place later. Tables ran around the edge, all covered in clean, crisp white
cloths. They were crammed with vegetables of all shapes and sizes, arranged either neatly in little piles, or as large, single specimens. The table carrying Grandad’s massive marrow,
beautiful beans and cracking carrots bowed in the middle with their weight.

Grandad placed a small card with his name on in front of them. He beamed with pleasure.

‘You’re going to win for sure, Grandad,’ said Danny.

At that moment Ernie Slack strode towards them, dragging with him the Chief Judge, Mr Willis. Ernie was as long, thin and stringy as one of Grandad’s runner beans, and his long, thin,
stringy black moustache curled at each end like a pig’s tail.

‘You must disqualify Nobby Baker this instant!’ he demanded. ‘Those vegetables aren’t normal – he’s cheating!’

Judge Willis raised an eyebrow. ‘They’re certainly extraordinary, Ernie. But I can’t see any reason to disqualify Nobby’

Ernie blustered and fumed, and the ends of his curly moustache twitched with temper, but Danny could see that he knew Judge Willis was right. Ernie Slack stomped away.

Grandad grinned and turned to the boys. ‘The judging’s this afternoon, right after the Puddlethorpe Grand National,’ he said. He handed them five pounds each. ‘You lads
go and enjoy yourselves.’

Danny and Matthew thanked Grandad and went out into the bright late-summer sunshine. The hubbub of the crowd mixed with the bleating of sheep and the lowing of cows. The boys bought a hot dog
each, listened to the Puddlethorpe Cowbell Ringers, and then tried out the fun and games. Danny managed to Dunk the Vicar, and won a pen shaped like a turnip. Matthew had had so much practice
zapping worms that morning that he easily took first prize in the Junior Cowpat-Hurling Competition, and won a gold medallion in the shape of a cowpat.

‘Ace!’ said Danny.

‘Cool!’ agreed Matthew as they compared prizes.

Soon, everyone at the Fair began to gather for the main event of the afternoon: the Puddlethorpe Grand National. Six pantomime horses, each made up of two people and carrying a scarecrow jockey,
lined up to race around a course that circled the main marquee. Danny spotted Grandma and Grandad in the crowd, and the boys pushed through to join them.

Tom Abson’s voice boomed out over a loudspeaker in the centre of the field. ‘Welcome to the thirty-eighth year of our famous race. The runners and riders are ready. Keep your eye on
last year’s winner, Ee By Gum, in the pink.’

The crowd began to cheer, calling out the names of their favourite horses. The referee held his starting pistol in the air and with a loud
CRACK!
the race began.

‘And they’re off!’ yelled Tom Abson. ‘There’s a lot of bumping and banging going on as they jockey for position coming up to the first hurdle . . . Whoops-a-daisy .
. .’

Three horses tumbled at the fence, where they lay struggling and tangled up on the grass. Ee By Gum and Ecky Thump went over safely.

The commentary continued. ‘Coming up to the next hurdle, and Ee By Gum’s over, Ecky Thump’s over . . . Oh no! What a Load of Baloney is down and he’s lost his head!
Don’t look children, it’s horrible!’

Ee By Gum and Ecky Thump raced neck and neck around the rest of the course. It was still close going over the final hurdle, but then Ee By Gum jumped two feet in the air and began to twitch and
kick.

There’s something wrong inside Ee By Gum,’ declared Tom Abson. ‘If I’m not mistaken, it looks like they’ve got a bee on board.’

Suddenly, Ee By Gum went off course, charged into Ecky Thump and bowled over several spectators. The pantomime horse bucked and pranced across the winning line as the two men inside were stung
by the bee.

The crowd cheered and clapped. People at the back craned their necks to get a better look. Danny turned to say something to Matthew, and the smile dropped from his face. Over his friend’s
shoulder, Danny saw Ernie Slack sneaking into the empty marquee, wielding a huge axe.

‘Grandad!’ he yelled.

‘Stop him!’ shouted Grandad, but no one heard his voice above the noise of the crowd roaring at the pantomime horses. The boys began to force their way through the press of people
behind them, to get to the marquee.

‘It’s no good,’ said Danny. ‘We’ll never get there in time!’

The loudspeakers set around the field let out a loud wet coughing sound that silenced the crowd.

‘What’s that awful pong?’ spluttered Tom Abson. ‘It’s like boiled cabbage and seaweed and eggs and cheese and drains all mixed together.’

‘My Rotting Chowhabunga!’ cried Grandad. ‘The flower must have opened!’

The animals in pens near the marquee became agitated.

The sheep went ‘Moo’.

The cows went ‘Baa’.

The geese went ‘Woof’.

The pigs didn’t seem bothered at all.

People fled, holding their noses in disgust. The stink was truly terrible.