The Wraeththu Chronicles (122 page)

"So, what are you going to do? Kill me?"

Thiede pulled a careful, disgusted face. "Oh, please! We are not barbarians. We are not Uigenna. No, there is a much more palatable solution. Of course, as you are now, you're wholly unsuitable for Pellaz to be associated with. It would cause a terrible scandal. He holds a position higher than any other har in Wraeththudom. But he's had to pay the price for that privilege. He's had to learn to live without privacy, to be as spotless a creature as he can. He's an example to our race, Cal. He has to be perfect. Do you understand this?"

Oh, I understood it all right. "So, what's your solution then?" I asked bitterly, still thinking of death or banishment.

"Well, in a perfect world, you would be taken to Immanion to undertake a course of ritual purification, so that, eventually, you would be fit to take your place at Pell's side, and could be brought forth for this end as yet another example to the people of how even the most base creature can aspire to perfection."

I made an explosive sound, which Thiede raised his hand to silence. "But," he continued, "this is not a perfect world—yet. Pellaz already has a consort, which I, admittedly, did rather bully him into taking. They are bonded in blood, which is insoluble. I'm afraid the liaison has not been a happy one, but there you are! Even I can make mistakes. So you see, whatever vows you and Pell made before cannot stand up against a blood-bonding. You cannot be his consort; there is no way around that, unless Caeru the Tigrina was to die. Unfortunately for you, he is young and healthy and, although not entirely popular with the Hegemony (which I regret is probably Pell's doing), he is well-loved by the people. Although his relationship with Pell may be barren, Caeru has carved a niche for himself in Wraeththu's heart. He does his job very well. No-one outside of Phaonica would ever know they are not perfectly matched."

I felt sick. "What are you trying to tell me?" I asked.

"Merely this. You must take the course of Cleansing. There is a position in Immanion for you, Cal, in the royal household. I know I could use your talents, and what you

and Pell decide to do between yourselves, behind closed doors, is nobody else's business. Naturally, you'll both have to be very careful. Can't afford to let anyone know what's going on. I'm sure you understand that. It will help if I can find you a consort of your own. Arahal can employ you in his staff. You are untrained, so he won't be able to offer you much at first. You'll have to work your way up, but I'm sure you won't find that difficult. Now, what do you say?"

What I said was, "How dare you! You think I can be brought to heel, trained like a dog, to wag my tail and fawn at your Tigron's feet? You must be insane! You say that Pell still feels strongly about me? Well, let me tell you, Thiede, I may be the lowest of the low in your eyes, but there is no way, even now, that I'd ever be bonded in blood to anyone else but Pell. I respect what we had before, even if he doesn't. No, I'm not a toy, Thiede. Not like he is!" At that moment, perhaps for the first time, I hated Pell.

"Now just calm down!" Thiede said, still grinning. I wouldn't. My anger got hotter and hotter. In the end, he had me taken away and locked in my room. "Obviously, we shall have to talk later," he said, and there wasn't even a hint of irritation in his voice. It was almost as if he was pleased with my reaction. As if it was a relief. We did talk later. We talked many times. I was moved from place to place, probably (or so I thought) to prevent Pell finding out Thiede had me in confinement. Strange things happened to my sense of time. Sometimes I'd wake up from a winter night's sleep and find that it was high summer outside my window. I began to lose time. This always happened after one of my intimate chats with Thiede. I tried to rationalize, thinking of it as an hallucination. Thiede had created purposely to keep me disoriented. I was treated very well, given everything except my freedom. Gelaming are rarely physically cruel, of course. They have more subtle methods of torture. At the beginning, they even let me out to visit Terzian when he was dying. I was followed just to make sure I kept in line, but it was still a sweet touch. I suppose Thiede tried everything to getround me. I slept with a silver-haired har who never spoke, whose eyes were completely black, who loved me in a silent, distant way. I never even knew his name. Thiede would sometimes come to see me three times a week, and then I wouldn't hear from him for a couple of months.

Every time we talked it got around to the same subject. My character was undesirable. I would have to change. I must publicly speak out against my own past and praise the way that Thiede had made me see the light. And no, there was no chance of my going free. I must recognize my duty to Wraeththu and to the Tigron in particular. Had I no sense of responsibility? In public, I would be allowed to be Pell's colleague, albeit a low-ranking one. I would have to bow to him and call him Lord. In private, well, how could there ever be such a thing. I wouldn't even let myself think about it. In case some small part of me said, Yes, yes, this is what I want! No, no, it was against my nature; impossible! Thiede enjoyed our wrangling; I know he did. Afterwards, my black-eyed companion would try to comfort me, ease the stress from the back of my neck. Maybe I did forget for a little while then. I could see no end to it. I'd wake up and it'd seem like years had passed.

Eventually, I came to be confined within a tower. I'd had enough. I didn't know how long I'd been locked up. One day, Thiede came to see me and he seemed different, just a little tense, watching me carefully. We drank iced wine on the high balcony and I said, "Just let me go, Thiede." I hadn't said that for quite some time, knowing how fruitless it was to bother. I'd made up my mind to throw myself from the tower if things didn't change soon. How long I'd have gone on promising myself that, I cannot guess. Thiede tapped his fingers against his lips, looking down into his wine. "You really want to turn your back on Pell?" he asked casually. Hope leapt in my chest like a crazy bird. "Look, if you let me go, I'll disappear, go away as far as you like," I babbled. "Tell Pell I'm dead; anything! I won't be an embarrassment to you, I promise! No-one will ever know about Pell and me, I swear it! I'll never breathe a word to anyone. You have my word. Take my life if I break it."

Thiede just threw up his hands. "Impossible, I'm afraid! Pell won't ever stop wanting you, looking for you. I have ... er ... spoken to him, Cal. He does know I'm in contact with you. Naturally, he is distressed by some of the things you've done. The

incident in Saltrock springs to mind. But it is beyond me to dissuade him from caring about you. The problem is, I do understand it. Though he and Caeru may be bonded in blood, I am convinced that you and Pell are bonded in soul. I must stress that your only course of action is to do as I suggest; take the Cleansing. Come to Immanion."

"And be there for Pell to play with whenever he feels the need to?" I butted in angrily. "How many times do I have to tell you, Thiede? The answer is no. It will always be no. I couldn't live that life. I need my freedom. I need my self-respect. More than I need Pell. Anyway, I know we could never be happy living like that. It would be nothing like we had before. I'd hate it and so would he, I'm sure. It's better for us to suffer being apart than learning to loathe each other together. I'm right, Thiede, we've both changed. The Pell and Cal that loved each other are both dead. And even the memory of it must die. You can't argue with me; you know I'm right."

He was silent for a moment. "Hmm. Now listen, Cal, I don't think you've quite grasped the extent of Pell's power here," he said wearily. "His word is law. He is your Tigron too, Cal. If he wants you, then I'm afraid he's going to have you. It's against my wishes, I've done all I can to prevent it, but there's nothing I can do to change his mind. I've tried! All I can do now, is nudge events along in the most civilized manner."

"Thiede, it's disgusting and you know it!"

"Oh, I agree, entirely. But Pell has more important things to worry about than this. For God's sake, realize how small you are in comparison and make things easier by doing what I suggest."

"Sacrifice my life for the good of Wraeththu? Forget it! Let me go, Thiede!"

"You will merely delay the inevitable by that." "I can go far away. I've told you!" "Nowhere will be far enough." "I'll hide!"

"You can try—certainly." He smiled at me. "You're a problem, Cal. A bull-headed wild child, if ever there was one. No wonder he loves you! Please think about what I've said though."

"Oh, I do. Every time you say it!" "I admire you. I really do." "Yet you want to change me."

He shook his head. "I can see your side too, you know. You have my sympathy."

"Oh, sure I do. Look what a help it's been!"

He shrugged, stood up. I remained seated, staring at my hands. Thiede took a deep breath, stared out over the countryside.

"You have a good view here, don't you." I didn't answer. I felt him staring at me. "It's your choice," he said, in a silky voice.

"I've had enough, Thiede."

"Yes. I know." And then he left me.

I sat there for a while, finished my drink and then went inside. Everywhere felt strange, deserted. I couldn't find my companion anywhere. I ran down the winding steps to the door that was always locked from outside. The hall looked different that day. No wonder. I'd always seen it in gloom, now it was full of sunlight. The great door was wide open. The tower was empty. Outside, a white horse lazily cropped grass, loaded with supplies. I sat down on the front step and stared at the outside world for several hours. I did a lot of thinking. Pell is my life, but I also knew that what I loved most about him was his innocence, his freedom, his simplicity. I couldn't believe that had survived along with his soul. It was impossible. He was Tigron. It

took some time, and even some guts, but in the end I just walked out of that tower and never looked back. I mounted the horse that Thiede had left for me and galloped it toward the north. Funny how the people you most hate can surprise you with sensitive gestures occasionally. Oh, Thiede understood me, alright. I kept heading north. There was money in the saddlebags; plenty of it to start with. In a week, I was in Thaine, shying at shadows, numbing my sleep with alcohol. I'd been in confinement for many years. Now I was free. No-one had won. There was no victory.

That was when Ferminfex brought me back. I was shaking as if terribly cold, yet my skin was hot. I drank wine and took the cigarette he offered me. "What can I do?" I asked.

Ferminfex kneeled down beside me. "I want you to rest now," he said. "Panthera tells me you've been keeping a sort of diary of what's happened since Fallsend. I'd like to read it while you're resting. Tell me where it is."

I hesitated, but then, hadn't he witnessed my soul already? I told him where it was, and he left me alone, hurrying to fetch it. I lay there feeling like I'd come around after an incredibly serious operation, which could have killed me, but hadn't.

Pages turning. I lay on the couch, watching Ferminfex reading my notes. I could almost tell which parts he was reading by the exclamations he made. A guilty thought stole through me. All of Panthera's secrets were in there too. "Ferminfex," I said, worried, "about your son. He... well, I wouldn't like him to know I've showed you that."

"Don't think I haven't realized some of what Thea's been through, Cal," he replied. "I'm not stupid. This manuscript might be painful for both of us, but I do want to read it; as much to learn Panthera's troubles as help you."

"That's sneaky, Ferminfex!"

"Don't worry. Panthera will never know I've seen this, I promise you." He looked up. "I hope that one day he will want to tell me himself what happened. If he does, I'll tell him how I feel about it, that I'm just glad he got out of there alive. Nothing else matters. I don't think he realizes that."

"He's a proud creature," I said.

"Yes, that's Lahela's blood for you," Ferminfex commented bleakly, although I thought that Ferike austerity was more to blame than Kalamah vanity. No matter what Ferminfex said, I could tell that it still shocked him deeply to learn of his son's humiliations in Piristil. At one point, he looked up at me and said, "I know the taking of life is the worst of crimes, and I wish Panthera hadn't shot Jafit, but for simply one reason: I'd like to have done it myself!" He rubbed his eyes with his hands. "Lahela must never see this," he said. At the end of it, he put his head in his hands.

It was late afternoon. We sat together in silence, me on the sofa, he behind his desk. A knock came on the door. Lahela had sent one of the househara with a tray of food. I was hungry, and went to sit at the desk once more. Ferminfex stared at me for a moment and then tapped the sheaf of papers with his fingers, smiling wrily. "I must say your feelings for Panthera cause me some concern!"

I squirmed in mortification. "Oh, I wasn't myself when I wrote that," I replied lightly.

"Now don't take that the wrong way! I don't think your blood is tainted. Let's face it, any one of us who was incepted to Wraeththu rather than born to it has shady areas in our past histories. It was just the time for it. You don't strike me as evil, Cal, far from it. Tormented, maybe. What I should have said was, does Panthera return your feelings? I don't want him to be hurt more than he already has been."

"Oh no," I said. "Panthera has no idea I was lusting after him on the journey south. Anyway, I'm sure you'll agree, he's in no condition to return anyone's feelings at present."