The Writer (9 page)

I looked around, searching
for Joy. She was easy to find, standing next to Josh’s parents. She
had never shined more. She looked tenderly at me, eyes sad. Joy’s
parents held an urn for Josh’s parents. I had not realized that
they all knew each other. My stomach contracted, my head
ached.

I exhaled
loudly.

The uncontrollable urge to
hold Joy overwhelmed me. I wanted to fix everything. I wanted to
turn back the clock.

I looked around the crowd
again, slowly, until I felt Rosie’s hand along my back. How long
had she been watching me?

After the service, Josh
and Joy’s parents came over to see the flea ball.

“We didn’t see you at the
Ceremony,” said Joy’s mom.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I
should have come to see you before it started.”

“Joy and Josh were so
close…” I went on, “Dying so young, with so much left to do. I
can’t imagine how it must feel.”

The parents nodded
gently.

I looked around for Joy,
but could not see her. She had walked off, needing the
space.

Chapter 30

Time passed, but very
little changed. Joy’s parents wanted to sell our house: their way
of helping Joy move on from the past. She needed a clean break from
everything, everyone.

She and I kept contact
though; we met mostly at night, when everyone was asleep. I tried
as best as I could to comfort her during these difficult times. The
closer Joy and I grew, the harder my life with Rosie
became.

“I was thinking” started
Rosie, “maybe it’s time we found a place of our own. I mean, before
they kick us out…”

I put the keys down on the
lounge table. “What do you mean?” I asked.

“Joy’s parents have been
nice enough to let us stay here for months now… It’s time that we
help them out, by moving on and out. It’ll be good for you
too…”

The thought of leaving
this place had not actually truly crossed my mind; this had been
home to me for so long.

“
Maybe I should
talk to Joy about it. See what she has to say.”

Rosie frowned.

“What?” I
asked.

“Nothing,” she said,
leaving the room.

“Say what’s on your mind,”
I pushed on.

It was funny how much she
reminded me of myself, before I met Joy that is.

I smiled
gently.

“I’m sorry. You’re right.
This is our decision. We shouldn’t let others make it for us. What
did you have in mind?”

I sat on the couch, and
patted the seat next to me, inviting her to join me.

“I found a nice small
condo in town…”

“We can do that,” I
said.

“Starting over, just you
and me,” She said kindly.

As I sat there, I glanced
around the room; most of Joy’s things had been packed up in boxes,
and shipped off to her parents’ place. Rosie had been
systematically clearing out the place of any reminder of the
past.

“We’ve been together for
years. Don’t you want to buy a place, get married, and have kids?”
Rosie asked.

“Of course I did,” I said.
“Wine?”

Chapter 31

I was sitting in the
office, sorting out the books, separating the last ones that
belonged to Joy from my own.

Rosie had just signed the
lease of the new condominium near our workplace downtown. She had
already started moving into it, replacing the furniture that we
were leaving behind.

Deciding to take a break,
I went into the lounge. Turning the TV on, I suddenly saw a figure
in the hallway.

“You startled me!” I
exclaimed.

“Sorry,” she
said.

Each time I saw Joy, she
looked more beautiful than the previous time.

She smiled.

“What are you up to?” she
asked.

“Just packing… New place,
you know how it is. Oh! I found some of your books; you should take
them before I forget. I don’t know where my mind is these days,” I
said. “You have time for a glass of red?”

“I wanted to check up on
you,” she smiled. “Keep the books.”

As I looked at her, I
realized that I had no idea what she was up to these
days.

“I never told you this… I
never told anyone this, but… I saw Joshua. I saw Joshua on the day
he died, just before the phone call.”

I closed my eyes, and
exhaled loudly.

“What do you think it
means?” I asked.

“He wanted to say
Goodbye,” she said.

“You believe in that Ghost
stuff?” I asked.

She smiled.

“You would,” I joked. “I’m
happy you’re here. I was just thinking about you.”

She nodded.

“I’ll call at your parents
to pass on my new address when I remember to ask Rosie for
it.”

Before I realized it, our
time together was over. She had left and suddenly, I felt
incredibly depressed.

Tears swelled into my
eyes, and I could not push them back.

I walked back to the
office, and took one of Joy’s books into my hands. I opened it, and
closed it quickly, breathing in its scent, her scent. I shut my
eyes, holding it with both hands, leaning my head against it. I
loved her so much. What was I doing?

“Are you okay?” asked
Rosie. I had not heard her come in.

“Yeah” I said, looking up.
“I’m just tired.”

Chapter 32

We moved into the
condominium on a Monday. It had just been raining. The air was
warm. Like every first of July, it had been a crazy day.

I had called Joy’s parents
to let them know the keys to the apartment were in the mailbox, as
was my new address for Joy.

My desire to keep in
contact with Joy had not been received well by her parents. I
sensed they disapproved of our friendship, as it hindered Joy’s
progress in moving forward.

As much as they had taken
me into their family with open arms once, today Joy’s dad had asked
me to stop contacting them. They probably felt that I was keeping
Joy on the line, while being in a committed relationship with
Rosie; they were right, I was not being fair.

“We should invite Joy over
some time,” I said to Rosie.

As the words came out, I
regretted them instantly.

“Sorry. Old habits die
hard.” I said.

To my surprise, Rosie only
smiled. Moving into a place of our own had made her more secure,
confident, and happier.

I still secretly wished
that Joy would come see the place. I hoped her parents had given
her my new address, regardless of how they felt about
me.

I grabbed a box, and
headed for my new office.

I embraced the privacy,
and sat at my new desk: new desk, new revolving chair, new table
lamp. Growing up, and growing old, holding on to a job did have a
few benefits, such as having the money to get precisely the
furniture I wanted.

I slid my hand down the
cold oak, and smiled to myself. I would finally have the space to
write my very first novel.

I put away books in
shelves, crayons in drawers. Time just flew by.

As I sat back in the chair
and spun around a few times, I felt light. For the past year or so,
I had been carrying a heavy weight on my chest and a dark cloud
over my mind; the change of scenery was exactly what the doctor
ordered.

The door creaked slowly,
and in came Alfred.

“Hi Dog,” I said. “How do
you like your new place?”

Alfred wagged his
tail.

“Glad you approve. In case
you’re looking for your cushion, it’s right there in the
corner.”

Alfred went to sniff at it
and seemed to find the spot acceptable. I agreed. Everything was
just fine.

Chapter 33

I got up this morning, and
everything felt wrong again. It was raining, and I had to see Joy.
It was her birthday. September had crept on us, and I had not seen
Joy in months. Since I could not call at her parents place without
creating a fuss, and they apparently had made here change her cell
phone number, I had no other choice than go and see her face to
face.

I stopped along the way to
get a bouquet of flowers. At least, I had a good excuse today of
all days. My heart beat faster with the anticipation of seeing her
dark brown eyes, her long auburn hair. I desperately needed a few
moments with her; it had been so long, so very long.

I ached.

As I sat on the metro,
watching the stations go by, my hands became moist. My chest felt
heavy. Everything felt wrong. What was wrong with me?

Soon, I was standing
outside her parents’ place soaked. The rain had started even
stronger now. Everything was working against me.

I needed to ring that
bell, but somehow something was preventing me from doing it. I
stood there; I am not sure for how long, just starring.

I was about to turn back,
when the door opened. Joy’s dad stood at the top of the stairs.
“Come here, boy.” He said.

I gave him the
flowers.

Coming into the house, my
eyes swept over some of Joy’s furniture, which had been
incorporated into their own. Joy had moved back home.

“Ben…” he said, “You
shouldn’t be here. I don’t know how to tell you anymore. You need
to move on. This doesn’t help anyone.”

“I know,” I said. “I just
wanted to wish Joy a happy birthday. I didn’t have any other way to
reach her.”

Her dad stood there
quietly looking at me. “Where’s Rosie?” he asked.

“She’s at home. She
doesn’t know I’m here. I know it’s not fair on her.”

“It’s just not helping
anyone.” He said.

I took the metro back, and
walked more than I needed to, taking detours along the way. Neither
Joy nor her mother had been home; maybe it was for the
best.

I could not go on this way
anymore. I just could not keep Joy out of my mind, even less away
from my heart. As much as I loved Rosie, I was in love with Joy. I
would never be able to forget her, or move on, which was as
realistic as asking me not to breathe.

I had to end my
relationship with Rosie. I owed her that much, after everything she
had put up with because of me. She deserved to be loved the way I
loved my Joy.

“Rosie?” I called coming
through the doorway.

“In here,” she said. She
was sitting on the couch reading. She seemed unhappy.

“We need to talk,” I
said.

“Joy’s parents just
called,” she said.

I looked at her,
guiltily.

“When is this going to
stop?” she asked, standing up.

My chest started to
ache.

“Now,” I said. “I thought
I could do this, but I can’t.” I started sweating.

“I know it’s hard, but
you’ve got to move on...,” she said.

“No,” I said, “I’m sorry,
I just can’t...” My head ached.

“Ben, you’ve got to stop
this! I don’t know what to do anymore!”

The room started to
spin.

“You’ve got to leave her
poor family alone! It’s hard on them too, today of all
days!”

I looked around the room
for something to hold on to; everything felt unreal.

“What are you talking
about…?” I managed to say, trying to get to the couch.

“God, Ben! How many times
do we have to go through this!” she yelled.

I shut my eyes, and
grabbed my head.

“
Be quiet!” I
yelled back.

“Ben! You’re scarring me!
Stop it! Please!” Rosie cried out, running out of the
room.

My heart beat faster,
threatening to burst into my chest.

Random images came rushing
into my mind, crushing it, splitting it, overwhelming me with
aching pain.

There had been a phone
call, then something about a Ceremony, an urn.

Joy had died with Josh at
the orphanage, crushed under the wall they were
rebuilding.

Joy’s mom had invited me
to her ceremony, which I had ignored. She had been holding the urn
with her daughter’s ashes that day, at Josh’s funeral.

I could not
breathe.

Screams were coming out of
my mouth, but I was no longer myself. I fell to the
ground.

Everything went
black.

Chapter 34

I woke up in bed,
surrounded by Rosie, and my parents.

“Mom” I said. “What are
you doing here?”

I had a strong
headache.

“Rosie called us.” She sat
on the bed, next to me. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “I
just have a headache. I don’t remember what happened,” I
said.