Their New Beginning (Oh Captain, My Captain #5) (5 page)

Jax

I thought going away for a few road games would be a relief, but it’s not. I thought having more space away from Avery would take away some of the hurt and anger, but it hasn’t. Instead, it’s all I can think about. Is she out with some random guy right now? Kissing him and letting him touch her because I haven’t? Part of me wants to say that I don’t think she is, but I never thought she would sleep with someone else in the first place, so what do I know?

My stomach churns at the thought. What if she is cheating again, but instead of going somewhere else, she is taking him to the house?
My
house. I shake my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts because that’s the last thing I want to think about. And just like the past few days, everything runs through my mind over and over again.

Part of me reluctantly knows that I can’t completely blame her. Well, I can’t blame her for being in such a position. That’s my fault. I wasn’t making her happy. I wasn’t giving her what she needed. The memory of her promotion surges forward and makes me feel even worse.

She’d come home, yelling out my name the moment she walked through the door. I was lying on the couch because I had a game later that day and a muscle in my leg had been bothering me a little bit. I was in the midst of a nap when she called my name. Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who can be grouchy the first minute or two after I wake up.

“Jax! I got the promotion!” she squealed from the excitement.

Her words didn’t really register, so I simply replied, “That’s great, Avery,” and closed my eyes again. She continued to talk. I stretched my leg out, and a cramp twisted my muscles in pain.

“Jax, are you listening? I got the promotion!” She was standing behind the couch and pushed my shoulder to get my attention.

I sat up to rub my calf and snapped, “Yes, I heard you. That’s fantastic. Damn, this hurts.”

And that was that. I don’t know if she stayed behind me or if she walked away after that. I was too busy massaging my muscles so they wouldn’t be a pain later during the game. Once the cramp was gone, I grabbed my things and told her I was leaving early to make sure I stretched my legs really well. Nothing else was ever said about her promotion. I got caught up in work and the following road game.

No wonder she slept with another guy the first chance she got. I’ve been more concerned with hockey and myself than with her. It still doesn’t make it right, not even close, but I can see where I went wrong, too. For now, I shove that all to the side and do what I apparently do best, focus on my job and nothing else.

My life still intrudes on the game somewhat. I don’t chirp the other players; in fact, I don’t talk unless I need to. All I want to do is lose myself in the way I skate across the ice, the sounds of the crowd, slamming against the boards, the puck gliding over the surface, the stick making contact with the puck, and everything else that is pure hockey. Somehow, I manage to silence my mind. I don’t think. I act and respond to what’s happening on the ice. Nothing else.

The game becomes my escape, where the only thing that matters is my performance, where the puck is, and where every player is. Today, I’m not here to have fun and enjoy the game like usual. I’m here to do a job, do it well, and forget everything else. If only that could last.

The moment I walk back into the hotel, it all comes crashing down again. As I ride the elevator up to my floor, I check my texts and there’s one from Avery. Half of me wants to sigh and the other half is happy to hear from her.

Avery: Good game. :) You played well.

Even the smiley in the text seems forced. I lazily scroll through past messages and see that’s the longest text there, except for me asking her to do things with our finances. Our texts are one to two-word replies and the longer I scroll the more I see it. The ding of the elevator momentarily takes me away. What has happened to us? As I change and lay in bed, my heart aches.

I hate where we are, the things that happened to put us here, and I hate that I want to sleep in a different place than Avery. Hell, I even hate that I miss her. That’s not how I should feel about my wife, but I do. For a while, I debate texting her back. Eventually, I do, keeping up with the one-word trend we have going.

Me: Thanks.

~ ~ ~

After the second road game, I’m lying in hotel room, feeling lonely. Being away from home has never really been a problem for me. It’s always been a part of the job, so I don’t really mind it. Yet today, I’m battling with myself about wishing I was home with Avery and not wanting to be anywhere near her.

I’ve been thinking more about how she said I treated her like my accountant and scheduler; the evidence is in these texts. That’s something small I can change. Besides, if we do end up getting a divorce, it’s not as if Avery would still do it. Either I need to do it myself or hire an assistant.

I’ve never wished that I didn’t have my job. I’ve always loved what I do. Maybe I’m not cut out to do both. Maybe Avery isn’t cut out to handle both. Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. It did happen pretty quickly. What if we were so in love with the new relationship that we jumped into a marriage when we shouldn’t have? Sighing, I dismiss those thoughts. We had a good marriage before, so we were doing something right. Somehow, we have to get over this. Somehow, I have to decide if I can get over it, if I want to.

The days are long until I head back in Vegas. When I get home, everything looks the same, not that I expected any different. Our house doesn’t show any signs of the turmoil we’re going through unless you look in the guest bedroom and see a few of my things in there. I’m tired of the hotel, but there’s no way I’m staying in our bedroom.

Today, I decide that it’s time for me to take care of my own life. I grab the laptop and sit at the table. I hate computers. They frustrate me to no end, and typing with one or two fingers doesn’t help. I go to check my email, something Avery did, and I’m thankful she automatically saved my password because I don’t remember it. When it pulls up, there’s only one unread message, and it was sent two minutes ago.

A long breath passes through my lips as I see all the emails just from today that have been read. Avery must still be doing this. A bunch of them have been answered as well. As I scroll through all the emails, I realize that Avery has two full-time jobs. Her job at the hospital, which she is paid for, and then everything I ask her to do for me that she does with few complaints to me.

Deciding to worry about the emails later, I go and get the desk calendar. Everything I have to do is penciled into the little blocks for each day, written in Avery’s handwriting. Taking over my own schedule is my first task. I think I can enter this into the calendar connected to my email and have reminders sent to my phone. Then Avery won’t have to remind me or keep up with it.

Slowly, I start to enter things into the calendar and set reminders. There are about ten instances where I want to throw the laptop across the room because I hit the wrong thing. I want to do this myself. If all else fails, I can hire an assistant. I don’t want Avery doing it anymore.

When she comes home, she stops short at seeing me hunched over the table, glancing back and forth between the calendar and the laptop.

“What are you doing, Jax?”

My body tenses as she steps closer to me. “I am trying to add everything to this online calendar, so it can remind me what’s on my schedule.”

“Oh. Do you want help?”

I shake my head. I can’t let her help when I’m trying to save her from having to do it altogether. “No, that’s okay.” She nods and is about to walk away when I stop her. “What’s my email password? I was going to add it to my phone, so I can start checking it myself, but I don’t know my password.”

Avery seems to struggle for a second before she speaks. “It’s jaxlovesavery, no caps, no spaces.”

I give her a small nod. “Thanks.”

She nods again before disappearing down the hall. Leaving that stupid calendar alone for a second, I grab my phone. I’m on the technologically inept side and mostly just use my phone to make calls or send texts. I find the little envelope icon and press it. I touch a few places, but can’t find where I set up an account. Before I can stop myself, I call out for Avery.

“What is it?” she asks as she comes back into the room, now changed out of her scrubs.

“How the hell do I set up my email?”

When I lift my head to look at her, she laughs. A true, genuine laugh. The sound and sight of her laughing stuns me for a moment. It’s been a long time since she’s laughed. I’ve missed it a lot. Avery doesn’t seem to notice as she comes to stand behind me and reaches around to press buttons while I hold it, so I can see what she’s doing.

My lungs stop functioning while I watch her exit out of that and go to the settings, touching different things to get me where I need to be. The moment feels normal and I want to cling to it before it disappears and I remember why my muscles are tense. I try not to flinch away from her.

“Now, just enter your email address and your password and you should be set.” Avery steps away, but not too far. “Are you sure you want to take over everything?” she carefully questions as she glances over what I’ve entered in so far on the calendar. Her trained typing hands could probably have it all entered by now, but I refuse to ask her.

“Yeah, I can do it. It’s all part of my job, so I’ll do it, and if I can’t, I’ll just hire someone.” I thought Avery would be happy because it means she won’t be doing it, but she doesn’t look all that happy.

Avery

I plate up our food and sit it in front of him on the table. He wants to hire an assistant? Why now? He’s never said anything about it before.

Like all of our other meals, there isn’t much talking. I can feel the tension between us, and it isn’t like it was before. Jax picks at his plate his plate, chewing silently.

“How was the flight back?”

“Fine.”

“Did you at least have fun?”

“It was fine.”

I nod aimlessly. So, we’re doing this again. I pick at the food in front of me. I’m tired. Mainly because I haven’t slept in days. I’ve taken a few naps, but that’s all. Work sucks and it has never been this way before. I love being a nurse. I love my job, but being there is starting to show me that I didn’t always put Jax first.

These past few months I’ve been taking more and more shifts, staying away from home, and not being there for him like I should have been. I’m a hockey wife. I need to remember that. I know that my goals, dreams, and everything needs to be the second seat.

It’s possible that Jax could be traded or be offered more money by another team, and he would leave Las Vegas. There is no guarantee he’ll be here for his whole career. What if that happens?

His contract is up this year. He could be leaving. What would I do?

I shake my head at the thought. I'll go with him wherever he goes. It doesn’t matter if it’s Alabama, Portland, or Canada. I would do it for him and our marriage.

An idea pops into my head. It’s a thought that I would have never considered before, but this time, it might be the best option.

“Jax, would you pay this assistant? Like an employee?”

“Yeah, of course. I don’t think anyone would work for free.” I’m not sure why, but Jax has a guilty look when he says that.

“Well, I have an idea. What if I quit my job and become your assistant? I mean, I know everything already. Everyone already calls me to set up appointments and what not. Plus, you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone stealing from you.” I can hear the hopefulness in my voice.

“What? No. Why would you want to do that?”

“We could be together more, and you can trust me.” Maybe that isn’t the best word to use at this moment, considering I cheated on him a week ago.

Jax mouth opens and then closes again. “This isn’t about trust. I was going to hire someone so you wouldn’t have to do it because you shouldn’t have to do it. You love your job, too.” He shakes his head. “No, Avery. No.”

“Jax, hear me out. I don’t mind doing it. I really don’t, and here lately,” I take a deep breath. “My job isn’t fun like it used to be. This promotion is putting a lot of stress on me, and I don’t know if I can do it. But, I know I can take care of you. I mean, you can’t even work your phone. I’m surprised you turned on the laptop.” A giggle leaves me before I know it.

“I’ll learn or I’ll hire someone who can work it. The answer’s no, Avery. I don’t want…” He shakes his head. “It’s not going to happen.”

“You would rather hire a stranger and have me train them because you don’t know how to work anything, instead of hiring me? I know all of this, Jax. I’ve been taking care of your schedule for years. This can work,” I plead with him.

“No, it can’t, Avery. You complained that I treated you like an accountant and an assistant.” His voice is rising, and he’s becoming angrier. “You cheated on me! I’m not hiring you to do the job you were tired of doing. Forget it.”

“I’m aware of what I’ve done to our marriage, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. I’ve thought hard about this. I know you still care about me. I know that you know I can do this. I want to save our marriage and this will let us spend more time together. I’ll be here for you more and you can
trust
me.”

He stares at me for a moment, and I know that he’s seriously thinking about it. “You’re absolutely sure this is what you want to do?”

“Yes. Please, Jax. Let me do this. I told you that I would do
anything
for our marriage. I want to do this for us, for our marriage, and for you. Please,” I beg.

“Okay then.”

I clap my hands. This is it. We can find our connection again. I raise my arms to hug his neck, but his look says it all. “Sorry.” I hang my head.

Jax nods and walks away. There’s still a lot of rebuilding to do in our relationship.

~ ~ ~

“Wait. What?” Jasmine’s shakes her head.

“Yep, I put in my notice. I’m going to work for Jax.”

“You’re quitting? Like for real?”

I nod. I thought about it all night last night while lying in bed. Alone. Jax is still sleeping across the hall, and I know it’s going to take him time.

“What does this mean? Are you and Jax okay?”

I shrug. “This will help. I’ll be with him more, and he’ll know that I want to be part of his hockey life.”

“Wow. Congrats, but... wow. You’ve always wanted to be a nurse, and I thought you loved the promotion.”

“Yes, I wanted to be a nurse, but I want Jax more. I made a massive mistake, and I’m going to do anything and everything to fix it. This is step one. Plus, I don’t want him hiring someone who’s going to have access to all our personal information, you know?”

“Why can’t he do it himself?”

“Jax? No way. He can stick handle like no one’s business, but can barely use his email. Trust me; he needs help in that department.”

“I see your point.” She pouts. “I’m going to miss you.” She hugs me.

“I will still be in Vegas. We can still hang out.”

“Yeah, but who am I going to have lunch with?”

I roll my eyes. “I’m sure there's a single resident doctor who can help you with that.”

She thinks for a second. “You’re right.”

I laugh at her as I go and clean out my locker. It’s bittersweet, but I know that this is what’s best for us. I want Jax and our marriage, and this is right.

~ ~ ~

I tap my pen on the table, reading the emails. Some are from crazy fans, that’s normal and come more and more often. Most want Jax to make appearances and be a keynote. Jax isn’t the greatest public speaker. He’s fine when it comes to hockey-talk, but a
keynote
? Not Jax. I go through his schedule and send the standard, thank you but he’s not able to attend, letters.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Jax walks into the kitchen.

“Well,
boss
, I’m working,” I joke with him, but he only gives me a small smile. I guess he isn’t the joking mood. “Hey, would you be interested in being a spokesperson for bacon-scented aftershave?” I giggle, rolling my eyes.

Jax turns up his nose and scrunches his face. “That exists? Who the hell would want that? It’s a definite no. Is that the kinds of emails I get?”

“Oh, yes, and all the crazy fans who want your jock strap or hockey socks.” I gag at the thought. I’ve smelt him after games. That’s not a
sweet
smell.

“Seriously? You have to be kidding. There’s no way anyone would want that, or at least, be crazy enough to write an email saying so.”

I bring up the last message I deleted from a
fan
showing him how desperately she wants his jockstrap. “See?”

“Well, I’ll be damned.” He shakes his head after reading it. “Crazy and gross.”

“This isn’t even half of it, but there are some sweet ones, and it’s those I send small gifts to.”

“Like what? Show me.”

“Alright, come on.” I don’t think he believes me. I walk across the house to the side we hardly use. It’s the smaller guest bedroom, and there are over twenty boxes of Jax’s merchandise. There are a lot of 8x10 photos of him in his hockey gear. Those I send out the most. Then there are some shirts, hats, and even a few bobbleheads. I leave those for the younger kids.

“See? All this stuff you sign, I keep and send to your fans. The post office usually hates me on Mondays because that’s when I mail it out. I send about thirty to fifty packages a week.” I look up at him and he’s staring at me. “You didn’t know?”

“No. You never said you did it and I don’t really do the bills, so I wouldn’t have seen the charges.” He doesn’t seem pleased. He looks upset.

“Jax,” I say his name in a softer tone. “How cool would it have been when you were a kid to get a signed picture of your favorite player? I mean, a lot of those emails are from kids that say how much they love you and started playing hockey because of you. I know that I’ve complained about it, but this part is fun. I would have been excited if *N’Sync had sent me a photo,” I try to joke with him.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. This is a good thing that you’re doing, Avery.”

I shrug like it’s not a big deal because it really isn’t. “Actually, you’re doing it.” I look up at him. “You really didn’t know?”

“No, I wasn’t paying attention to that either.”

I look back down at the boxes. I know there’s an alternate meaning, but I don’t want to deal with that right now. “Um, today isn’t that busy for you. You have practice and then a workout. Of course, your game is tonight, too. That’s it. Much of the afternoon is free for you to do whatever you need. I’m running to the grocery store, do you need anything?”

“I don’t think so.”

I nod and turn to walk out.

“Do you want to have a late lunch with me?”

I stop and turn to him. “Um, sure. Sounds great. I need to get back to work before my boss fires me.” I smile brightly at him. It’s starting to feel like
us
again.