Then Comes Marriage (29 page)

“You can’t even say it, can you? You won’t what? Stick your dick in someone else’s vag? Buttholes and mouths are off limits too. I should add tits and hands to that, in case you try to find a loophole. What don’t you understand? We. Are. Done.”
 

He comes across the room and stops just inches from me. “I love you,” he whispers. “I will always love you.” And then he kisses me. Repulsion ripples through me and I shudder. I don’t kiss him back yet I don’t push him away just yet.
 

This is our last kiss.
 

The final time we’ll be making physical contact. I think Travis is a lying sack of shit but I also believe that he’s upset and if this gives him closure, makes him leave me the fuck alone and
not
get on a plane and go looking for me, then I’ll give him two seconds.
 

But in those two seconds, the hotel door opens and Derek steps through. His green eyes widen before he turns. I put my hands up and push Travis away.
 

“Derek,” I call but it’s too late. He’s already down the hall. I take a step back from Travis, heart pounding with anxiety. “You need to go,” I tell Travis and my eyes shut. “Goodbye, Travis.”
 

“Don’t do this,” he says, voice wavering “Rach, come on, babe. The plane leaves in two hours and I got you a ticket.”

“You got me a ticket?” I echo, rage boiling to a dangerous level. “You thought you could come here, win me back, and take me home like nothing happened? The honeymoon wouldn’t even be over yet! Or did you forget how long we were supposed to be here?”
 

“No. I got a promotion and can’t take off—”

“Oh my God. Seriously? You were screwing your supervisor, break up with me, and then get a promotion. That’s not sleazy at all. Goodbye, Travis. Enjoy your promotion and enjoy your affair while it lasts.”
 

“Rach, I want
you
.”
 

“I already established this: too fucking bad!” I point to the door. “Get out. Now,” I say through clenched teeth.
 

Travis’s eyes gloss over and for a spilt second I think I might see true emotion from him. But he twists it to anger.
 

“You always were a bitch,” he says and storms out, slamming the door behind him. I lock it, and put my head in my hands. I’m shaking, and taking in small, rapid breaths.
 

I walk to the balcony and open the doors, breathing in the fresh air. I shake my hands at my sides, trying to get rid of the nerves. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to punch Travis in the face and throw things, taking satisfaction in the way they break apart.
 

Instead, I grip the balcony railing so tight my hands hurt. I stare at the ocean until my vision blurs. Then I plop down right on the floor and force myself to calm my shit before finding Derek. I close my eyes and think of the waterfall, of how standing before it made me feel so connected to everything.
 

I think of Derek’s smile, the way he looks at me like I’m the only thing that matters.
 

I open my eyes, blinking in the bright sunlight. This whole time I’ve been telling myself that this is the wrong time to meet someone, even the right person. But why? Why is the timing wrong? Because people will say it is.

At the waterfall, when my head was clear and I had a firm grasp on the world for the first time in my life, I realized that what other people think of me doesn’t matter. And not pursuing Derek out of fear of being judged that I moved on too soon, that he’s solely a rebound, would be the biggest mistake of my life.
 

Because no one else knows how I feel.
 

I spring to my feet and fish my phone from my purse. I call Derek, heart hammering and a smile forming on my face. His phone rings once. Twice. Three times before it goes to voicemail.
 

Maybe he decided to shower in his room? I don’t leave a message, but text him instead, though I’m not really sure what to say. He saw what I know looked like me kissing my ex, and though Derek and I are in no way committed to each other, I’m sure it hurt. Because it would hurt me to see him with another woman…and that only proves to me that he’s more than a fling. I stare back at my phone and quickly type out a message, hitting send before I have time to second guess my words.

So that escalated quickly. He’s gone and not coming back. I’m sorry for the mess…come up here and talk?

I watch the screen, and my heart jumps when I see the little periods show up on the screen as Derek types. They go away, then come back. That’s never good. He’s deleting whatever he’s writing and trying again.
 

Then the little reply icon goes away completely. I hold my breath and wait, but nothing comes through. My stomach sinks and I can’t help but feel like I messed up royally. I shouldn’t have hesitated, shouldn’t have let outside opinions keep me from following my heart.
 

I can beat myself up forever over stuff I should have done differently, and it won’t change what’s already done. My phone is running low on battery power. I plug it in, and send Derek one more text, telling him that I’m getting in the shower now and have the chain locked on the door out of fear Travis will get someone to let him in again.

A horrible bad feeling forms in my stomach. I try to ignore it. I try to convince myself that Derek and I will talk and things will be all right. I get into the shower, keeping my mind on other things, narrating my every move so I won’t think of anything else.
 

I fail.
 

Why would Derek want to be with me? I have baggage…baggage that follows me, popping up when you least expect it.
 
Our new relationship would be faced with the whole long distance thing, as well as my ex-fiancé drama.
 

That’s not something Derek needs in his life. Hell, that’s not something anyone needs. But knowing he’s been burned before, though not to what to degree or how it happened, brings back the anxiety I’m working so hard to ignore.
 

I take my time in the shower, giving him more time to reply. Because by the time I get out, rub lotion all over myself, get dressed, and blow dry my hair, he has to have replied.
 

Only…he hasn’t.
 

I sit on the bed, not sure what to do. Give him space? Assume he didn’t get my message and try again? Go down and look for him? I lay back on the bed and bring my knees to my chest. My eyes close, and I do my best to relax, which is a joke, really.
 

It’s crazy how fast things can change. How fast things can go from good to bad…and from bad to good. Though the latter seems to take longer of course. Unable to sit still any longer, I get up and pace around the room. Today was supposed to be a beach day, requiring no makeup. But needing something to do, I go into the bathroom and spend half an hour painting my face.
 

When no reply comes from Derek, I unplug my phone from the charger and sit on the bed again. It’s been a while since I checked any sort of social media account. My inbox is full, and with nothing else to do, I start weeding through emails. I’m clicking ones to put in trash without opening when I see an offer I almost delete. It’s from a clothing brand company, reaching out to see if I’d be interested in a sponsorship. They would send me stuff to wear, which I would feature on my blog and Instagram account. Along with the free stuff, they would pay me monthly, with a bonus the first month for signing.
 

I read the email four times.
 

This is exactly what I’d hoped for. I made extra money from ads on my site, but a sponsorship is what I need to do this full time. My hand flies to my mouth. I need to tell someone.
 

Derek
.

The first person to come to mind is him. I see his face so clearly in my mind. I bring up his number and almost call.
 

Almost.
 

If he wanted to talk to me, then he would have called back, right? My good mood is zapped away and the feeling of dread and anxiety comes back. He leaves tomorrow morning. If we don’t talk before then, then whatever was sparking between us will fizzle out into nothing.
 

He needs to know that the kiss he saw meant nothing, and if anything, further proved how much I’m not getting back together with Travis. I felt nothing when Travis’s lips touched mine. Not at all like when Derek kisses me, because when he does my whole body awakens.
 

I don’t ever remember feeling that way with Travis. Not when we first started dating, not even right after he proposed. Travis was always the logical choice. And what your heart wants is rarely logical.
 

What the hell do I do now? I drop my phone onto the mattress and go to the mini fridge. It’s restocked with tiny bottles of booze. I grab a little bottle of spiced rum and a can of Coke, pour them both into a glass, and sit on the balcony. I started this vacation drinking alone. I might as well finish it that way, right?
 

I reread the email from the clothing company again, hoping whatever fine print terms they have for me are reasonable enough to go through with and sign the contract. Since I don’t have my own place at the moment, taking a cut from a normal nurse’s pay won’t hurt me at all. And since my paychecks are zero dollars right now, I’ll take what I can get.
 

Calling my mom or Lauren crosses my mind. Both will be excited for me about the possible sponsor. But they will both ask about Derek, and I don’t know what to tell them. And how would I go about mentioning our current situation without bringing up Travis turning all psycho and coming here? As much as I love a good gossip session every now and then, I don’t feel like talking about it.
 

I sip my drink, watching the ocean. Another hour—and another drink—go by and I still haven’t heard from Derek. Maybe it’s better this way. Cut each other off cold turkey. In the end, it wouldn’t have worked out. Stopping before we got in too deep is smart. Less pain that way, right?
 

The thought of never talking to Derek again makes me sad. Really fucking sad. Because he’s perfect. A homerun hit out of the park, and for a moment, I thought I could jump up and catch him. But I didn’t, and he got away.

~*~

A brilliant orange and yellow sunrise hangs over the ocean, gold and blue rays shining down on the water. I blink away, pulling the blanket over my shoulder. I fell asleep on the balcony last night after not hearing from Derek…and after a few more rum and Cokes.
 

Seeing the start of the new day hits me hard, and it’s all I can do to keep from crying. Needing to use the bathroom, I go inside, pee, and then collapse into bed. I was wrong. This vacation is ending worse than it started. Mentally and physically drained, I crash for another few hours. When I get up again, I’m just as sad as before.
 

Because Derek’s plane already took off. He’s somewhere over the ocean now, headed back to Texas. And soon enough, I’ll be going back to the States alone, forced to face reality. The thought of that makes me want to stay in bed, hidden beneath the covers. And I do. For five more minutes. If I’ve learned anything these last few days, it’s that sitting around feeling sorry for yourself does nothing.
 

I get up, quickly get ready, and head down to the hotel lobby to ask the concierge at the counter how I’d go about making reservations to rappel down a waterfall. My heart beats a little faster just thinking about it. Going alone, going without Derek there to catch me if I fall, is a scary thought.
 

But the new me is all about facing fears.
 

I get the info, then head outside to shore, planning to get a Dirty Monkey from the tiki bar and sit under the cabana while I call about plummeting to my death … I mean rappelling down cliffs and waterfalls.
 

The sound of the ocean and the feeling of sand between my toes calms me. If I can stay here for the rest of my life, I might be able to successfully convince myself it’s all I need. The hotel has medics, right? Surely they’d welcome an RN to their staff.

I take the long way, going out of my way to the little shady spot Derek and I had discovered. It’ll be a good place to sit, away from the main crowds to make a phone call. But there’s someone already standing there. I slow, ready to turn around when suddenly I stop, heart skipping a beat.
 

It’s like we’re on the same wavelength again. I look up at him the same moment Derek turns around. Tears immediately bite at the corners of my eyes, and we’re both rushing to each other. Derek takes me in his arms, picking me up and kissing me hard. I wrap my arms around him, unable to get close enough.
 

“What are you doing?” I ask. “I thought your plane left.”
 

“It did.” He kisses me once more then sets me down. His arms are planted firmly around me, and I have no plans to let go of his waist. “But I didn’t get on it.”
 

“Why?” I can’t help but ask.
 

“Because of you.” He cups my face with his hands. “I couldn’t leave you like that.”
 

I close my eyes, and tears roll down my cheeks. Derek gently tips my face up to his and puts his lips to mine. “The last few days have been some of the best in my life. Whatever’s going on with you and…” he trails off and lets out a breath. “I just couldn’t leave.”
 

“There is nothing going on between me and my ex,” I promise him. “We are done. Over forever. That chapter of my life closed and then this one opened. I don’t want this to end.”
 

“It doesn’t have to.”
 

“How?”
 

“Keep writing. Add another chapter. Hell, I don’t know, Rachel. But it doesn’t have to end here, not like this. What we have isn’t just a chapter. It’s the whole damn book.” Derek kisses me again, hands running along my body.