There Is No Light in Darkness (12 page)

His chest is heaving when I look at him. “Was that sexy enough for you?” he asks as his narrowing eyes burn into mine.

I groan and fall back on the bed, covering my face. “Cole, you’re the sexiest man I’ve ever known. Plenty of women tell you you’re sexy. You don’t need me to feed your fucking ego.”

I feel him shift and uncover my eyes, but I keep them closed. “Look at me,” he orders in a low tone. I open my eyes. “I don’t give a fuck what other girls say. You’re the only one that matters.”

I forget about my impending orgasm. I forget about not being in control. I forget about the ways we’ve hurt each other in the past. In this moment, I only want Cole. My Cole. I grab him by the back of the neck, pull his face to mine, and kiss him deeply. I kiss him to make up for all the years that I’ve missed out on not kissing him. I kiss him like it’s the last time I will ever have his mouth on mine—because maybe it is—and I force the thought out of my head quickly. He moans when I slip my tongue into his mouth and reach to pull his down his boxers. I grasp his length and squeeze, making him hiss through his teeth.

“Do you have a condom?” I ask, looking at him through my lashes. Before he answers, I push him off of me and position myself to take him in my mouth. I circle my tongue around his tip a couple of times before I put my lips around him, taking him in deep.

“Shit, baby,” he groans. “I have one ... oh God … I have one ... but ... but … I’m clean,” he says desperately.

I stop and lean back on my heels to look at him.

“Cole,” I warn. I’m on the pill. I know he knows this. He knows I’m clean, too, because I’m as much of a control freak as he is. I’m still hesitant about not using one though.

“Relax, baby, we’re not seventeen anymore,” he says, caressing my cheek softly.

I close my eyes and nod once. “It doesn’t matter that we’re not seventeen. We still need to be careful,” I say.

He picks me up and positions me higher on the pillow before blanketing me with his warm body. He ducks down to nip my bottom lip and kiss me tenderly, before slowly pushing himself inside me.

“Fuck, baby,” he moans as he thrusts all the way in. “You feel so good.”

I whimper and lift my hips to meet him, forgetting my apprehension. It had always felt different with Cole. Always better.

“So fucking good,” he repeats hoarsely. He buries his face in my neck and breathes me in as he pounds into me. “It’s been too fucking long. I feel starved without you.”

His words have me on a high I hadn’t experienced in a long time—if ever. I’m consumed by Cole’s raspy voice, his movements, his touch, his warmth.

“You’re the only one that matters,” he says as he drives into me faster. “You’re the only one that fucking matters ... only you ... always.”

I feel tears in the back of my eyes, and I grab on to his face and kiss him, pouring my soul into his.

Our bodies are slick—covered in our sweat and my arousal. We’re both screaming profanities and each other’s names in between passionate kisses. We never take our eyes off each other. My eyes are telling him what my voice can’t say. His eyes are singing back the same words as we both find ecstasy and fall together.

“I love you, baby,” he whispers into my hair as he cradles my body into his.

I find sleep easily that night. Dreamless sleep.

The next morning, I feel sunlight hitting my face and open my eyes slowly. I try to move, but I’m being held hostage by a strong warm arm. I look over at Cole and find him awake, his eyes smiling at me.

“How long have you been up?” I croak out.

“About thirty minutes,” he says, looking at me in wonder.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” I ask, trying and failing to shimmy out of his hold.

“I was watching you sleep. I love watching you sleep,” he says dreamily.

I smile. I love watching him sleep, too.

“I have to pee,” I say, squirming again.

He chuckles and kisses my lips roughly before letting me go. A couple of minutes later—as I brush my teeth—Cole comes in and stands behind me.

“Whatever you’re thinking—stop,” he warns, wrapping his arms around me and looking at our reflection in the mirror.

I half smile with the toothbrush in my mouth. We look good together. Always did.

“I’m not thinking anything,” I mumble in protest before I spit out toothpaste and rinse my mouth.

He turns my body to face his and lifts me to sit on the counter. He takes a deep breath and puts his forehead against mine.

“You’re not getting away from me this time, Blake,” he says seriously.

I back away a little so I can look into his eyes. He’s dead serious. I inwardly curse myself for having sex with him last night. As much as I love the idea of being with Cole, it also scares me out of my mind, which is why I hadn’t entertained the idea in such a long time.

“I never got away last time, Cole,” I say, tearing my eyes away from his and concentrating on the nice bathroom tile.

He stares at me for a long moment before taking a deep breath and walking over to the shower to switch it on. As he walks back, he strips off his boxers, stands in front of me, pulls my shirt off, and takes my mouth in his.

“It doesn’t matter, baby,” he says against my lips. “That’s in the past.”

He lifts me up and walks us over to the shower, holding me tightly against his body. I lean my head on his shoulder and smile contently. As scared as I am to get involved with him again, I know I can’t continue to live my life with him as just a friend. I can’t keep letting him date other women and act like I’m okay with it, because I’m not. As he slides me down his body, I smile at him and let myself feel happy. I just need to figure out how to keep him in my life. Safely.

Chapter Nine

Past

I was waiting for Cole to pick me up for our anniversary date. I knew he had planned something special because Becky made sure I pampered more than usual. She asked me about a hundred times if I remembered to shave my legs. She even checked my underarms. That girl was something else. She gave me the “birds and the bees” talk—in her own strange way—which was hilarious.

“You’re still on the pill, right?” Becky asked anxiously.

“Jesus, Becky, yes!” I replied, rolling my eyes.

She let out a breath. “Chill out, Blake. I just want this to be perfect for you. I don’t want you to worry about anything later.”

Cole and I hadn’t gone past second base—mainly because we were interrupted every single time we were about to do more. I had no idea how Becky and Greg found a way to have sex in our house when they stayed here on weekends.

When I heard the doorbell ring, I smiled and sprinted to the door. The butterflies in my stomach fluttered when I saw Cole leaning against the doorframe. The backward baseball cap he was wearing hid his messy brown hair and made his green eyes look bigger and brighter. He was wearing his dark-wash jeans, black boots, and a black cable sweater that hugged his defined body. He licked his lips slowly as his eyes wandered over my body. He took every inch of me in, making me feel exposed in a way that only he could. I smiled and threw my arms around his neck, as he chuckled and pulled me close to him, lifting me and snuggling his face in the crook of my neck.

“I love how you smell,” he whispered. “You look beautiful as always.”

“So do you ... as always,” I replied with a smile.

I inhaled his scent, a mix of his favorite Jean Paul Gaultier cologne and the pine-and-clove body wash he used. He smelled like a masculine Christmas tree. My favorite smell in the world was Cole. He closed the door behind us and walked me to his car. I still had no idea where he was taking me, but that was what usually happened when Cole took me out. He insisted that everything be a surprise, and even though I hated surprises, I always loved his. When we got into the car, he took out a blindfold and showed it to me.

My eyes widened. “No. Hell. No!”

He bit down on his lip to keep from laughing at the expression on my face. “Please? It’s only until we get there. I want this to be a surprise,” he pouted. Damn it. I hated when he pouted, he looked so cute.

My shoulders slumped. “Fine, but if I start freaking out, you’ll take it off, right?”

His smile was replaced by a frown. “Of course, baby. Why would you freak out?”

The truth was I didn’t know, but as soon as I saw the blindfold, my heart went into overdrive. I took a deep breath and let him blindfold me. I was with Cole. I was safe.

We drove for what seemed like hours, even though Cole assured me it had only been ten minutes. When the car stopped, I heard him take a deep breath and shift in his seat.

“I’m going to take it off now, okay?” I faced the window so that he could untie it.

I blinked a couple of times before my face broke into a smile. I stared at the Bed and Breakfast in awe; I couldn’t believe he remembered. We’d gotten a flat tire in front of that place before we started dating. I remembered telling Cole something about it looking romantic and hoping my future boyfriend would take me there someday. I remembered him choking on the water he was drinking at the mention of a future boyfriend taking me to a bed-and-breakfast but never thought anything of it.

“I hope you didn’t make plans for tomorrow morning,” he said, snapping me out of the memory. I looked over to him and smiled so wide my face hurt.

“I can’t believe you remembered,” I said, shaking my head.

“How could I not remember? I would never forget anything my favorite girl tells me,” he replied before giving me a soft peck on the lips.

After checking us in, Cole led me to our room. The rooms were close together, and I wondered if Cole was out of his mind booking this place for our first time—because this had to be our first time. The rooms were closer together here than they were at Maggie’s. When he opened the door to our room, we stepped into a spacious Victorian-style mini palace. It had a large white four-post king-size bed, an adorable vanity, and a bathroom bigger than the one we had at Maggie’s.

“This place is beautiful,” I said in awe as I looked around. I heard voices in the hallway and gave him a panicked look. “Oh my God, the walls are so thin,” I whispered as I buried my face in my hands.

Cole chuckled and made his way to me, wrapping me in his arms and kissing the top of my head. “I know, baby, but we can never be alone at Maggie’s. We have the worst luck in the world,” he pouted. “Besides, you said you wanted your boyfriend to bring you here, and since you’re never going to have another boyfriend, it was bestowed upon me,” he said as he winked.

I tilted my head and pressed my chin on his chest to look at him. “You’re right.” I smiled.

“I brought you clothes. I had Becky pack your stuff, so if there’s anything you don’t approve of, blame her.”

I laughed. “No wonder she was prepping me so much.”

“What do you mean prepping you?” he smirked, showing me his dimple.

I rolled my eyes. “Girl talk.”

We took turns showering, got dressed, and headed downstairs. The couple that owned the bed-and-breakfast invited us to a dinner they hosted for their guests, and we agreed to go. It turned out that we were one of three couples staying there that night. The other two couples were on the opposite side of the house. Cole gave me a knowing smile when he heard that. As we spoke to the other guests, we learned they were all much older and happily married. They told us what a cute couple we made and asked us how long we’d been together.

“She’s a real catch this one. Don’t you let her get away.” Betty, one of the guests, told Cole as we ate dessert.

Cole lifted my free hand and put it against his lips. “I wouldn’t dream of it, ma’am,” he replied while gazing intently at me. The look in his eyes made my heart skip a beat, and my hands started to shake.

The older couples went back to laughing and talking about how they met, their weddings, and their grandchildren. It was bittersweet to see them together, whispering declarations of love and holding hands. I wanted that in my future—but whenever somebody asked me to imagine where I would be in five, ten, or twenty years, I drew a blank. I couldn’t answer because I always thought I don’t know if I’ll be alive in one, two, or three years; people die every day.

As we walked up the stairs, Cole hugged me from behind and began to kiss my neck softly. By the time we made it into our room, I was panting. He pulled me towards him and murmured “I love you” against my lips, before taking them in his and exploring my mouth with his tongue. The taste the chocolate cake we had for dessert and Cole had me in going into a sweetness frenzy. I grabbed on to his long brown hair and gripped him as he continued to kiss me down my neck. My low-cut dress gave him access to the swells of my breasts. While he gave me wet kisses, he unzipped the back of it. I let go of his hair and let the dress pool at my feet. He took a step back and crossed his arms over his chest. Desire curled my gut as he watched me through hooded eyes with his tongue coaxing his bottom lip slowly. He looked like he was taking a mental picture of every inch of my body as his eyes traveled from my feet, up to my eyes, and slowly back down.