There Is No Light in Darkness (7 page)

I get up and press my palms to the counter. I look at my reflection, and I realize I look the way I feel—like death. My white frilly blouse is half tucked out of my navy blue pencil skirt. My clothes are wrinkled, my makeup is running, and my eyes are red. I have little freckles around my eyes from my convulsive vomit.

I laugh at myself. I can’t believe it took that to make me vomit. Why would he answer the phone in the middle of sex? I groan. The thought alone makes me hover over the toilet seat again. I need to hold it together. This is stupid, I tell myself repeatedly as I brush my teeth. When I finally get in the shower, I turn on the water and sit on the floor sobbing as I let the water wash away my sorrows. All the memories that usually haunt my nights have been brought to light, and I’m not sure where to go from here. I see three missed calls from Cole and decide to send him a text saying I’ll talk to him tomorrow and apologize for calling. I quickly turn off my phone and toss it aside before opening the letter from Shelley.

Blake,

This is going to be a lot to take in, so you may want to sit down to read this. I’m sorry that I couldn’t give you any of the answers you needed when you were with me. You were so young, and I couldn’t for many reasons that you wouldn’t understand. There is a lot more to your life than you realize. You will find out some things—if you haven’t already—that will make you doubt everything. Please doubt everything—just don’t let those things define you. You must be careful whom you trust. I just want the best for you. I know you’re doing great things. I always knew you would make a difference in this world. This last part is very difficult for me to tell you even though I am no longer physically present. It may be harder because of that since I cannot defend my actions. I know you will hate me for this. I just hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. If not, know that I’m very sorry and that I’ve always loved you very much.

Here I go ... I’m not your aunt. Your mother and I spoke every day, and she sent me photos of you all the time. Sometimes, she would even bring you to visit me. I loved you with all my heart from the time you were born. The things I left for you in the safety deposit box are yours to do with as you please. I use Mark as your attorney for a reason; please do not question that. Mark is a good man and has your best interests at heart. If you ever need anything, he’ll be there for you. Maggie—Mrs. Parker—was also a friend of mine and your mother’s. I knew she would take good care of you. I know she did an amazing job with you. I’m sure you haven’t been able to find out much about your past—if you’ve looked. Not many people know the truth about what happened that night. I never knew the full story.

The name your parents gave you is Catherine Blake Brennan. I’m only giving you this bit of information so that you can continue your search for the truth. I hope I’m not hurting you more than I am helping you. Please don’t use that name—trust me on that. Burn this letter when you’re finished reading it.

I love you, Blake. Please don’t forget that.

Love,

Shelley

I sit stunned for a few seconds until the letter drops from my shaking hands. I try to fill my lungs with air, but I feel as though whatever air they had left vanished with my identity. I gasp for air a couple of times and bring my face between my knees until I calm myself down. I look at the time. 4:23. I wipe my face and take a couple of deep breaths before turning my phone back on.

I don’t check to see who the voice messages I have are from. I call my boss, Gina, and request the week off. I need time to think, and if I’m going to find out what is in that box, I need this week off. I’m sure she heard my broken voice because she didn’t bother sounding upset about my being away for a week. Not that I mattered there; I’m just a measly intern.

I’m not sure if I should stay here or book a trip and go somewhere—far away from all of this madness. I don’t even know where to go, though. Maybe I’ll call Becky and Greg and pay them a visit. There are three loud knocks on my door. The code.

“Blake?” Aubry shouts. “Are you sleeping?”

I cleared my throat. “Yes,” I shout back.

“Let me in,” Aubry says firmly.

“Go away, Aub.”

“Cole’s on the phone. He needs to speak to you.”

“Tell him to go fuck himself,” I say brokenly. “Or Erin,” I mutter under my breath. I try for angry because I should be angry that he answered the phone like that. He should have known how much it would hurt me, but I’m too lost to feel anger.

“He says he’s sorry. He’s begging you to talk to him. Blake, I don’t have all day. I have a date. I can’t be playing messenger.”

“Don’t then. Tell him I’ll call him tomorrow. I need to be alone right now. Please.”

I hear Aubry relay my message to Cole as he walks away. I hear him walk back to my door a couple of seconds later, and he knocks again. This time I get up and let him in. When he looks at me, his face falls. He wraps his arms around me and holds me as I slowly let myself fall.

“What happened? Is it because of whatever Cole is apologizing for? Or did you have a nightmare while you were napping?” he asks concerned.

“No, it’s not him. I had a nightmare while I was awake,” I say, sniffling back my snot.

“Oh. You mean you’re remembering things?”

“No, I mean I’m living them,” I say with a trembling chin as I wipe my tears. “I went to the attorney’s office today, and I found out some things I can’t talk about. On top of that, Shelley left me a key to a safety deposit box, more money, more land, and a letter. I haven’t been to the box, but the letter pretty much says that my life is a lie. She wasn’t even my aunt,” I choke out the last words and Aubry pulls me into a tight hug.

“Shit. That’s ... fuck ... I’m sorry.”

“I’m so scared, Aubry,” I say hoarsely.

“You’ll be okay, Cowboy. I’m with you. We’re all with you,” he says, kissing my cheek lightly.

“That’s what scares me,” I whisper.

Chapter Six

Past

I was doing well my first year of high school. I had joined the cheerleading squad; it was the closest thing to dance that the school had. I had been dancing since I was five when Aunt Shelley started taking me to classes, and I missed it. Becky was also part of the squad, so I was glad that we had something to bond over. I liked my new home with Maggie, Aubry, and Cole. They made me feel like I belonged. Becky had already warned me about Cole and his womanizing ways—as if I needed a warning about that. Anybody that stepped within five feet of Cole could smell it on him. He may as well have a scent made named Gigolo. I’d lived with him for three months, and although he stopped hitting on me after the first month, I’d witnessed twelve girls walk through the doors of the house. Twelve. That was one for each week that I’d been here.

In the beginning, it really bothered me. I wasn’t sure if it was because it meant that I no longer had his attention or because the girls he hooked up with annoyed me. It was probably both. The worst part was I wasn’t even interested in him. Well, that was a lie—I may have been a little interested in him. As hard as I tried to fight it, it was hard not to be drawn to him. He was magnetic. When he was in a room with you, he consumed you. When he left the room, you mourned the loss of his presence. I knew I wasn’t the only person that felt this way. I had him in a couple of my classes in school, and when he got in trouble and was sent to the principal’s office, everybody acted like they lost a pet. The girls pouted and whined, which annoyed the shit out of me. The guys complained to the teacher and slumped their shoulders.

It was an odd thing—Cole’s presence. As much as I would have loved to avoid him, he was like a pneumonic plague. My lungs didn’t fully function when he was too close to me, and I think he knew it. I’d never been to an actual school before this year. I thought it would be scary, but the things I learned through Becky and the guys helped me get over my fear. I knew there were a “cool” crowd, a “nerdy” crowd, an “outsider” crowd, and a “theater” crowd. It seemed like there was a crowd to label everyone.

I didn’t even know what crowd I was in really. Becky, Greg, Aubry, and Cole hung out on their own but were also in the cool crowd, so I guess by default I ended up there. I didn’t fit in that crowd at all though. I was more comfortable with the nerdy or outsider crowd. I didn’t like the people in the cool crowd because sometimes they treated some of the kids in other crowds like shit.

Homecoming was around the corner, and everybody started asking their dates. I was putting my books in my locker for the day when I saw someone lean against the locker beside me. I looked up and noticed Justin’s blue eyes watching me as he hitched his red backpack higher on his right shoulder.

“Hey, Justin, what’s up?” I asked as I continued to figure out what books I needed to take home.

“You going to the dance this weekend?” he asked as he reached over and stilled my hands with his.

I stopped putting my books away and tilted my head toward him, giving him a tentative smile. Justin was one of the most popular kids in school. He was your typical all-American boy next door, a senior, and played two sports. No doubt he had a date to the dance already.

“I’m not sure,” I mumbled, trying not to give away the fact that nobody had asked me to go.

“Will you go with me?” he asked. I looked at our hands when Justin squeezed them slightly.

“Umm ... sure,” I replied, smiling hesitantly.

“Great, I’ll pick you up on Saturday then,” he smiled, showing me his perfectly straight white teeth.

“Okay,” I smiled back brightly. When Justin walked away, I looked back into my locker and bit down on my lip to stop from giggling like a maniac. I couldn’t wait to tell Becky about this.

When I got to cheerleading practice that day, all the girls on the squad were acting like he had proposed to me. Sasha—one of the cheerleaders in my grade—kept going on and on about how she had gotten to second base with him already and what big hands he had. I tried my best not to pay attention to that. For some reason, it made me panic a little. I hadn’t even kissed a guy—let alone run through any bases with them. I hoped Justin wasn’t expecting me to do anything with him. I didn’t mind kissing him, but I wasn’t interested in doing anything more.

When I told Aubry about going to the dance with Justin, he told me I needed to be careful. Greg said the same thing and told me he’d heard some bad rumors about him. Cole begged me not to go as Justin’s date. He said—and I quote—“You can be my date. I already told Cindy I’d go with her, but we can all go together if you want.” What a jerk. Really, who says that? I rolled my eyes and resisted the urge to slap him.

I had on a sheath silver dress that stopped a little bit above my knee. Becky applied minimal makeup on me and fixed my hair so it was down yet out of my face. I was examining myself in the mirror one last time when I heard the doorbell ring. I let out an excited squeal, yelled goodbye, and flew down the stairs. I opened the door and smiled brightly at Justin, who was wearing a tuxedo. He gave me a once over before handing me a lilac gladiola.

When we stopped at a red light, Justin slightly turned his body to me. “So have you thought about college yet?”

His question took me aback, and I wondered if I should remind him that I was a freshman. “Umm ... not really.”

“Oh, well, I’m going to the University of Florida next year. Maybe you can visit me sometime,” he said with a wink. I smiled back politely. “I want to study business management and hopefully take over some of my father’s franchise restaurants around town.”

“That sounds great,” I said.

I liked Justin, but something about him made me feel uncomfortable. His hand brushed my leg a couple of times when he switched gears, and it was obvious that it was on purpose. He told me that I was the prettiest girl in school and about the guys that would like to be in his place right now.

I was beaming at the statement until he mentioned the six or seven girls he turned down. I caught myself wanting to roll my eyes a few times. Hanging out with a group of guys had made me immune to a lot of bullshit. Guys will say anything to get in a girl’s pants—I learned that from Cole. Guys will promise you the moon and the stars if it means they might get a blow job—I learned that from Aubry. Guys will treat you like a queen and do “bitch work” around the house if it means the girl will stop rehashing old arguments—I learned that from Greg.

At the dance, we mingled with everybody. Justin introduced me to more guys on the football team. I’d met a few already since Greg and Cole also played football. The girls on the cheerleading squad flocked to us when we went to get drinks. Really, they flocked to Justin and pretended to play nice with me since I was there, too. Secretly, they were all thinking, “Lucky bitch. I wish he was my date,” while they left their poor dates nursing their purses and cold chairs.

We spoke to Becky and Greg when they arrived. Aubry and his date Sandra got there, and we all hung out in a group for a while. When Cole stepped in with his date, my breath caught in my throat. I saw Cole checking me out a couple of times, but every time his eyes met mine, he gave me an icy look. I didn’t understand him at all. It was pointless to even try. Becky leaned into my ear and told me that Cole hadn’t taken his eyes off me the entire night. I rolled my eyes at her because she knew damn well I would have been his date if he’d asked me properly. I looked toward him anyway though and caught him watching me.