They Don't Teach Corporate in College (41 page)

Remember his name and the names of the important people in his life.

Demonstrate integrity under all circumstances.

You can also improve your relationships by effectively managing your expectations of other people. Remember those evil
shoulds
from
Chapter 6
? Author and psychologist Hendrie Weisinger warns against expecting too much from your relationships. Consciously or unconsciously, you may want your boss to be in a good mood all the time or your admin to be as pathologically detail-oriented as you are. However, when your expectations exceed what other people can or will do, you are disappointed. You can prevent your relationships from taking a beating by ensuring that your expectations are reasonable and realistic. If you're not sure, seek advice from a mentor or trusted colleague who has been in your position before. Once you've clarified your expectations in your own mind, make certain you accurately communicate them to the other person. Solicit feedback in advance so that you can uncover potential roadblocks and avoid being caught off guard later on.

I hate it when my coworker suggests lunch meetings in the cafeteria, because, inevitably, the two of us will be sitting there together and he'll start looking past me at everything going on and everyone around us. I know the caf's a happening place, but come on! Whatever happened to listening and making eye contact? Sometimes I wonder if he would even notice if I stopped talking. It's downright embarrassing.

Heather, 25, Georgia

Want to know an important yet significantly underrated strategy for building strong workplace relationships? Simply make a habit of being present for every person you deal with—not just physically present, mind you, but mentally present. This means actually listening to what the other person is saying, focusing on him rather than everything else going on in the room, and ignoring potential interruptions, such as beeping smartphones.

When someone comes to your office or cube, decide right then and there if you have time to talk. If you don't, say so. If you do have time, but only
a little bit, ask him if it's enough. You don't necessarily have to drop everything for the person, but once you make the commitment to have a dialogue, please be respectful. Remember that his time is important too, and give him your full attention. Doing this will set you apart from the scores of employees who believe that sitting across the desk from another person means you're communicating.

Several years ago I had a boss who took every call and read every new email that came in while I was meeting with her. She was a great manager otherwise, but I get a bad taste in my mouth when I think of how every meeting took half an hour instead of five minutes, because she prioritized every interruption ahead of me. I shall now retire my soapbox, but you get the point. Don't become one of them! Try to be mentally present for every person you talk to, every day.

At some point in our careers, most of us are forced to work with someone whose people skills can only be described as atrocious. Sometimes our organizations wisely get rid of these people, but they are like weeds: pluck one, and within seconds another will sprout up in its place. The dread that comes with having to regularly interact with someone who is routinely negative, argumentative, stressed, or mean can make your job a wholly unpleasant experience—if you let it.

Your first instinct might be to go out of your way to avoid working with “Mr. Difficult.” If you can pull it off, more power to you. Often, though, this is not an option, and whether Mr. Difficult is your boss, a colleague, or a senior executive, you must prepare for each meeting with him as if you are going into battle. Swallow your apprehension. Remind yourself that no one has the power to control how you feel, and suit up in your armor so that nothing he says or does wounds you deeply. Take a deep breath and walk calmly into Mr. Difficult's office. Speak to him in a controlled, cheerful, and reasonable tone. Get the information you need, and then get out as soon as possible. As we know, negativity and stress can be highly contagious, so do not allow yourself to get sucked in.

Mr. Difficult's arrows can be easier to deflect when he's an equal opportunity shooter, and you realize that you are not the only target. You might even joke about him with your other colleagues who have had the pleasure
to work with him directly. However, it's easy to become demoralized when Mr. Difficult saves his best poison just for you. For example, one of my first bosses couldn't stand me. To the best of my knowledge, I didn't do anything to incur her wrath. She was sweet as apple pie to the rest of our colleagues, yet, inexplicably, whenever I came around, she turned into the Wicked Witch of the West.

Unfortunately, this is not unusual. Personality clashes often happen. Your best bet in this scenario is to sit down with your Mr. Difficult and have a heart-to-heart. Tell him how you are feeling, assume that he doesn't mean to act like the devil incarnate, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Solicit his feedback regarding how the two of you can improve your relationship, and then give him a chance to do right by you. If this doesn't work and he continues to regularly use you as target practice, remove yourself from the situation (see
Chapter 10
). No job is worth lowering your self-esteem.

There's one caveat to all of this: human beings operate with such different styles (see the next section) that it's impossible for us to get along with all of our colleagues all of the time. You could be the most agreeable person on Earth, but I guarantee that someone at work will find a reason not to like you. Maybe she isn't blatantly obvious or malicious like Mr. Difficult, but you can feel her negativity just the same. She might walk right past your desk without saying good morning, or she might not engage in friendly conversation with you the way she does with other people in the office. For those of us with a sensitive streak, this type of behavior can be hurtful. What did you do to her anyway? Why won't she give you a fair shot? As natural as it is to fixate on the situation, if it's not affecting your daily work life or your career path, refuse to take it personally, and go about your business as usual. Focus on your reasons for being at work, and save your energy for the people in the office who deserve it.

In the classic book
People Styles at Work
, Robert Bolton and Dorothy Grover Bolton help us understand the behavioral styles that determine how colleagues think, make decisions, communicate, manage time and stress, and deal with conflict. By understanding the people style you're dealing with, you can establish rapport with a colleague more easily, become more persuasive, and avoid miscommunication and the possibility of rubbing someone the wrong way.

Industrial psychologist David Merrill found that two dimensions of behavior could explain and predict how people behave: assertiveness and responsiveness. Assertiveness is the degree to which people's behavior is seen as forceful and directive. Responsiveness is the degree to which people are seen as showing emotions or demonstrating sensitivity. Based on these behaviors, he created four people styles:

1.
Analyticals
are people who are less assertive and less responsive. Emotionally restrained, they rarely compliment others or get excited. They are organized and systematic. They crave data—the more the better. They are slow decision-makers because they want to make sure they have carefully weighed all the facts.

2.
Amiables
are, similar to analyticals, less assertive, but more responsive. Friendly and generous with their time, they are excellent team players. They aren't flamboyant creators but, rather, diligent quiet workers who do what's asked of them.

3.
Expressives
are, similar to amiables, more responsive. But they are also more assertive. They're friendly and empathetic like amiables but aren't as low-key about it. Flamboyant, energetic, and impulsive, they are the most outgoing of the people styles.

4.
Drivers
are, similar to expressives, more assertive. But they are less responsive. Decisive and task-oriented, they focus intently on the job at hand. In conversations, they get right to the point. They are purposeful and energetic, just as are expressives. But expressives are concerned about people as human beings. For drivers, there's no time for such concerns.

According to the Boltons, “When two people of different styles live or work together, one or both must adjust. If neither adapts to the other, communication will deteriorate, cooperation will decline, the relationship will be stressed, and in work situations, productivity will inevitably slump.”

The Boltons advocate a four-step process to improving relationships with colleagues who may have different styles than you. They call this “style flex,” and here's how you use it.

First, identify your style and the style of your colleague. To identify your own style, you have to ask the opinions of others. Only they can appropriately categorize your external behavior (in terms of assertiveness and responsiveness) without being influenced by your internal motivations or feelings. To
identify your colleague's style, observe her carefully for clues such as a loud voice or flamboyant gestures.

The second step is to plan ahead, selecting the specific behaviors you will adapt and how you will adapt them. The third step is to implement your changes and monitor your colleague's reactions. Make mid-course corrections if necessary. After your next meeting with the colleague comes the last step: reviewing the process and drawing lessons for future interactions.

The sun rises in the morning, and human beings criticize each other. Stick around the professional world for a while, and you will inevitably participate in this special ritual. What separates the strong employees from the weak, however, is how one copes with criticism. People who deny responsibility and respond with anger and defensiveness hold themselves back personally and professionally. On the other hand, the most successful individuals listen objectively, accept constructive criticism, and look for ways to grow from it. In his book
Getting Promoted: Real Strategies for Advancing Your Career
, Harry Chambers suggests the following five steps for receiving criticism productively.

Depersonalize the criticism.
Repeat to yourself, “It's a specific behavior that's the problem, not me as a person.”

Assertively restate the comments for clarification.
Say to the person, “What I heard was that Behavior X is not acceptable.”