Thin Air (19 page)

‘Gus didn’t seem very happy
about it.’

‘Well, he wouldn’t be, would he?
In Gus’ perfect world, I would never have known Dex.’ She sighed,
swapped her wine glass to the other hand. ‘Oh, for God’s sake,
Zeke, drop this cloak and dagger stuff. What are you going to do?
Trash the flat?’ She sneered at the expressionless men standing
behind him. Her outrage held her fear by the throat, but she wasn’t
sure how long it could maintain the grip.

Zeke Michaels’ shoulders were
hunched towards his ears, his hands still thrust deep into the
pockets of his jacket. ‘We’ve received some more information. We
know you went north to meet with Dex. He gave you something, didn’t
he?’

Jay rolled her eyes. ‘No! I
didn’t see Dex up north. Check with his sister, she’ll tell
you.’

‘An undoubtedly reliable
source,’ Michaels said sarcastically.

‘If you have these ideas fixed
in your head, how can I change your mind?’ Jay asked angrily. ‘I’m
wasting my time. You’ll believe what you want to believe. Search
the place if you want. There’s nothing here.’

Michaels pointed at her with a
rigid finger. ‘I don’t know what you and Dex are planning, but
we’re on to you, don’t worry about that. If you’ve got any sense,
you’ll drop it. Why fight his battle for him? You’ve got a good
life now, Jay. Don’t jeopardise it.’

‘And what’s that supposed to
mean?’ she asked archly.

‘So much of our lives depends on
the good will of others,’ he answered and turned for the door,
allowing himself a meaningful pause and a final remark. ‘Think how
much you have to lose.’ They left the door open behind them.

Once they’d gone, Jay allowed
the feelings of panic to flood through her. She gulped two glasses
of wine in quick succession. Gus, stupid bastard! He’d told
Michaels where she’d gone last week. Row or not, she’d have to
confront him about this. His petty jealousy had put her in a
difficult and, it seemed, potentially dangerous, position. After a
few minutes of staring blankly at the wall, she gathered her senses
and called Julie’s neighbour. Marie seemed far from happy about the
disturbance this late at night, but Jay insisted it was urgent. It
took Marie over ten minutes to get Julie to the phone.

‘I’ve seen him!’ Jay blurted.
She felt shaken now and close to tears.

‘What? When?’ Julie sounded
shocked, perhaps believing Dex reserved all his peculiar
communications for her.

‘Just. Minutes ago. God, Julie,
what’s happening? He told me to get out of London. Why? Then I have
a surprise visit from some record company people, acting like
heavies from a spy novel. This is too weird!’

‘Just calm down, and tell me
everything,’ Julie said. Jay could hear her lighting a cigarette at
the other end of the phone.

Jay related what had happened in
a flat professional way. She felt better then, more focused. ‘What
do you think?’ she asked.

Julie paused, exhaled, then
said, ‘I’d do what Chris said, if I were you.’

‘What? Walk out of my life like
he did? I can’t do that, Julie. I have responsibilities,
commitment, a life. I don’t
want
to do that.’

‘He thinks you’re in danger,
though. And look what happened after you saw him. I don’t think you
should ignore that. I think you should come back here.’

‘That wouldn’t be a good idea,’
Jay answered. ‘Michaels knew I’d been to see you last week. He’d
probably follow me up to Torton, and it wouldn’t be fair on you or
the kids if there was some kind of scene.’ She paused. ‘Has Dex
been to see you too, Julie?’

Her answer sounded defensive.
‘You know how it is with us.’

‘I’m not talking about that,’
Jay said gently. ‘Has he visited you in person?’

‘No. I didn’t think he’d be able
to.’

‘Why not.’

‘Because of where he is - that
place.’

‘What place?’

‘I don’t know. I really don’t. I
just get images, and they’re very vague.’

Jay considered for a moment,
then said, ‘Let’s think about the photo we found. It’s all we have
to go on. It
must
be linked to where Dex is now.’

‘I don’t know about that. It
could mean lots of things. I’ve not picked anything up about that.’
Julie paused. ‘Look, think about what Chris said. Call me if you
need to.’

‘Thanks, Julie. I’ll let you
know what happens.’

‘Take care of yourself. Don’t
drink too much.’

When she’d put down the phone,
Jay realised the conversation had both warmed and comforted her.
Picking up her wine glass, she went to sit on the sofa. The photo
was still in her bag. She took it out and put on the seat beside
her. Could it be Rhys Lorrance’s country house? Was Dex there? In
which case, why was Michaels looking for him? Was there a rift
between Lorrance and Sakrilege? There were too many unanswered
questions.

Jay’s first instinct in times of
trouble was usually to get on the phone to Gina, but for some
reason she shied from doing that. She wasn’t sure she could cope
with Gina’s reaction, her often abrasive way of dealing with
things. She could imagine Gina saying something like, ‘Well, you
were stupid to have visited Dex’s sister, weren’t you. Think how
that looks. It’s just made trouble for you.’ There was no way Jay
felt capable of telling Gina she’d actually seen Dex.
Thought
she’d seen Dex. She still wondered if she’d imagined
it somehow. But someone, somewhere kept telling Zeke Michaels she
had
been seeing Dex. Who and why? It didn’t make sense, and
there seemed to be an undercurrent of malicious intent to it.
Someone wanting to make trouble for her. Now she was getting
paranoid. Should she leave town?

Seeing Dex had rekindled old
feelings, despite her determination to remain objective. She found
herself imagining conversations they might have in which she could
purge her anger at his betrayal and disappearance. She’d buried her
love for him, stuffed it down into a tight corner of her heart, but
she hadn’t destroyed it. For three years she’d ignored it, denied
its existence, and now it was free again. In her mind, she relived
the moments of their meeting in the supermarket, trying to recall
every detail, every nuance of his expression. His appearance had
frightened and confused her, but despite this she was conscious of
feeling euphoric and elated.

That night, she dreamed of
taking photographs of Dex in front of a big white house, but none
of them would go right. Whenever she looked through the
view-finder, Dex was out of focus, and when she tried to correct
it, he disappeared completely.

Gus came home
the following afternoon. Jay spent the whole morning trying to
compose herself. She toyed with the idea of telling him everything.
Surely, his instinct would be to protect and help her, rather than
fly into a temper about her seeing Dex? She had no idea whether
Michaels would really try to damage her or her life in some way.
His words could just be empty threats, but there was a secret, and
it involved Dex, and therefore, perhaps without her knowing it,
might involve her too. She tried to recall Dex’s behaviour just
before his disappearance. Did some clue lurk unrecognised in her
memory?

At two-thirty, Jay heard a key
in door. She tensed.

Gus came into the living room
and put his bags down on the floor. His face looked odd, and the
minute she saw him, Jay felt anxious. She knew, even before he
spoke, that he was about to say something terrible. He stared at
her for a few moments, then sighed and rubbed his neck. ‘You’re
here,’ he said.

‘Of course I am,’ she answered.
‘What’s the matter, Gus? You look awful.’

‘How dare you,’ he said in a
mocking tone. ‘How dare you just sit there and think you can get
away with it.’

She blinked at him. ‘What? Get
away with what?’

He shook his head. ‘You make me
sick. You’re so full of yourself, so smug. But you’re not the only
one with friends, lady, so you can drop the act now.’

It was like being dumped at sea.
She was dog-paddling around, her chin just above the restless
surface, trying to see land, in which direction to swim. ‘What are
you on about? What act? Gus, tell me. I don’t get it.’

He looked so emotionless, it was
frightening. She knew that whatever she said now, it would not
change the mind-set he had formed for himself. She was about to be
accused, and she knew what it would be. ‘Look,’ he said with
exaggerated patience, ‘I know now why you went north. I know you
met Dex there, and I also know the affair has been going on for
some time. There’s no point in lying any more, Jay. It’s time to
face reality.’

‘I did not meet Dex up north,’
she said, too dazed to put any heat into her voice. ‘Who’s told you
that?’

‘Then where did you meet him? I
don’t know where you were, only where you told me you were.’

‘This is Zeke Michaels, isn’t
it,’ she said, standing up. It was clear now. This was how he’d try
to hurt her. ‘He’s told you this crap, and it
is
crap, Gus.
There’s nothing going on between Dex and I, not since he walked out
of my life years ago.’

‘You expect me to believe that
with all that’s happened?’

‘What’s happened? Nothing.
Someone’s lying, Gus, but it isn’t me. It’s Michaels. This has all
happened because you were stupid enough to tell him where I went
last week. It’s him who thinks I met Dex, but I didn’t. They want
some tape they think he has, or they think I have. If you hadn’t
blabbed to Michaels, he wouldn’t have said this. He’s
paranoid.’

Gus’ expression didn’t change.
‘I didn’t tell Michaels where you were, Jay, and he hasn’t said
anything to me about you and Dex.’

‘You’re lying now! It has to be
him.’

Gus shook his head. ‘No.’

‘Then who?’

‘That doesn’t matter. I believe
- that’s all you need to know. I thought we had a good life
together, Jay, but I was wrong. It’s been a sham. You never got
over that wanker, and you never will. I presume you’re still with
me because it’s convenient. He can’t help you maintain your
lifestyle any more, can he? Well, you’re going to have to find
another dupe, because this one is walking out.’

Jay could only stare at him in
stunned disbelief. ‘You can’t be serious, Gus. This is all over
nothing.’ It was as if he’d been brain-washed and had become a
stranger.

‘I’ve just come to collect some
more things, then I’m going.’

‘Where? Where are you
staying?’

‘With friends. I’m sorry this
has happened, Jay. I’m sorry you’re not the person I believed you
to be. We’ve had some good times, but I can’t live a lie.’ He
walked away from her into the bedroom.

A red fog of rage suddenly
swelled behind Jay’s eyes. She found herself in the doorway of the
bedroom, yelling at the top of her voice. ‘You complete and utter
bastard! You’re so prepared to believe the worst of me, and it’s
all down to assumption. You know nothing. You just want to believe
I’m guilty of these outrageous things because it makes you feel
better about your stupid jealousy. It justifies your smug, prim
judgement of me. God, you’re such a fake, Gus. You come on like
some cool rock dude, but deep inside you’re just a conservative
bigot who belongs in suburbia. You can get out of my life. I don’t
care! I don’t want someone around who’s so patently lacking in
support for me, who sides with my enemies.’

He turned round from the
wardrobe. ‘Enemies?’ His voice was mocking. ‘You have enemies? I
wonder why?’

‘Get out!’ she screamed. ‘Just
get your stuff and get out. It’s your loss.’

His refusal to join in the
shouting was maddening. His stiff back oozed sanctimony. At that
moment, Jay detested him. He was a quarter of the man Dex was,
despite everything. She should never have taken another lover. She
should have believed, waited, anything. Now Dex thought she had a
decent life and he was wrong.

Gus zipped up his bag. ‘I’ll
arrange to collect my share of the furniture. Of course, we’ll have
to talk about what will happen with the flat.’

‘What? What about
my
flat?’

‘Well, as I’ve lived here for
some time, I have rights. I’ll have to get my own place. So we’ll
have to come to some agreement.’

She hated the way he was
enjoying this. He’d made her change a lot of the furniture, because
he couldn’t bear to sit on a chair where Dex had once sat, or sleep
in his bed. Now, he’d take pleasure in dismantling her environment.
‘You can take it all,’ Jay snapped. ‘I’ll clear my life of you. I
don’t care. If I have to buy you off, so be it. People have to do
it all the time, hand over money to sponging ex-partners. I’m sure
my solicitors are used to it.’

‘I haven’t sponged off you. I’ve
paid my way. I have entitlements.’

‘Oh, just fuck off.’ She walked
away from the bedroom, nearly blind with fury. She couldn’t cry.
She wouldn’t let him have that too. Shaking and cold, she went to
get herself a drink. She was free now. She could do anything. It
didn’t matter.

Gus came out of the bedroom. She
could feel him standing behind her, full of righteous indignation.
‘I’ll be in touch,’ he said.

She would not answer, or even
turn around. His proximity was repugnant. She wanted him out.

‘Can you look me in the eye and
tell me you’ve not met with Dex?’

She raised her head, taking a
deep breath. ‘I can’t be bothered.’

He sighed. ‘Thought so. I hope
he gives you hell, Jay. You’ve thrown everything away for a lunatic
loser. Have fun.’

As soon as he’d closed the door
behind him, Jay went to the phone and called Gina. This was
something she’d have to share with someone.

Gina seemed stunned by Jay’s
rapid outpouring over the line and offered to come round straight
away. ‘I’ll pick up some gin,’ she said. ‘Would you like me to stay
over?’