ThinandBeautiful.com (17 page)

“Madison, you're slowing way down!”

The words made it below the surface where I was trying to go faster and trying not to drown at the same time. My heart was pounding like an out-of-control drummer and my chest was starting to really hurt. I felt like I couldn't breathe and turned my head to take a gulp of air. I got a gulp of chlorine instead and found myself choking on it. I couldn't believe it but I had to get myself over to the side of the pool so that I could cough like an old smoker for what seemed like an eternity.

“Come on out. You don't seem to have much energy today. Did you forget to have breakfast?” The coach reached down to help me. I waved off her hand and dragged myself out. I was gasping so much I felt like a goldfish who had been left on the bedroom floor. I pressed one hand to my chest and walked over to the benches by the wall, trying to relax my breathing and make my legs stop trembling. I told myself to calm down and stop being stupid. After a few minutes, my chest started to feel
better but then I noticed that my butt was starting to hurt. The wooden bench was so uncomfortable it seemed to be pressing directly on my bones. I shifted around a bit, but it didn't get better so I had to stand up. My legs decided to hold me up, which was good, because the coach was looking over at me. Everyone else had finished their lengths and were out of the pool. No one else looked like a ninety-year-old man two days after his death. Maybe I was getting the flu or something.

“OK, well done. Everyone come over to the side for lifesaving drills. Madison, are you ready to rejoin the group?”

“Sure,” I said out loud, silently cursing her for singling me out. Then again, I guess I had already singled myself out enough. I walked over to the others. I didn't really know any of them, so no one said much to me, which was a good thing because I wasn't feeling very polite. I was still feeling pretty shaky but I decided that the best way to deal with it was to get back to work. The coach paired us off, giving us life rings. We had to take turns “drowning” so that our partner could save us. I was glad that my partner was a guy and that he had good aim. That meant I didn't have to actually start to drown before he “rescued” me. Once I was safely on shore, my partner jumped in and started thrashing around, making lots of panicky type sounds. I yelled for help and threw the ring towards him, lying on my stomach at the side of the pool so that I could pull him in without going in myself.

My aim basically sucked so I had to pull in the ring and try again. My partner was still working on his drowning technique so he didn't notice the ring right away, even though I was a lot better the second time. I was supposed to be yelling comforting
things to him to get him to grab the ring, but a sharp pain distracted me. My pelvic bones were screaming at me to get up off the hard pool surface. They were grinding into the deck and I felt like I was dying instead of my partner.

“Hey, are you going to save me or not?” he finally called out. By now the ring had floated out of his reach, but I was past caring. I couldn't believe how much I was hurting and I was trying not to cry.

“Madison, are you all right?” The coach had noticed our little drama. I could feel the tears starting and hoped the coach would think it was just water.

“Madison?” She leaned down to look at me.

“I have to go now, I'm sorry! I can't do this!” I got up, more slowly than I wanted to, and ran to the changeroom. I went to the showers and stood inside the shower stall, letting the hot water pour down over me until it started to ease the aching. I couldn't figure out what was going on. I had never found swimming lessons to be particularly difficult before. I mean, I expected it to be a little tougher than exercise, like doing crunches or running on my treadmill at home because I hadn't done it for a while, but it seemed to take more energy and breath than I remembered. I would get tired sometimes if I really swam hard but nothing like this. I had certainly never had trouble sitting on a stupid bench or lying on the deck. This didn't make any sense.

I came out of the stall and stood in front of a mirror, examining myself closely. I rubbed my hands over my sore bones, noticing that I could feel my sore bones quite easily.

I bet my mom and Annie would say that was part of the
reason. They'd say I didn't eat enough to swim properly or some such crap. I shook my head and got dressed. I went back to the mirrors to dry my hair. I stared at myself again as my hair blew all over the place. My face was starting to look OK. My cheekbones were showing a little and even my chin looked kind of pointy. I had managed to drop a few more pounds. That was a good thing. Maybe beautiful skinny models got sore butts too. Maybe that's what they meant when they said you pay a price for true beauty. Maybe it was worth it.

No, it was definitely worth it.

Who needed to be a lifeguard anyway?

May 4

Here's something that would be laughable if it wasn't just plain pathetic! I had trouble sleeping most of the night because I kept thinking about Wolf and the fact that we were going to be going to the group session together. As if it actually was some kind of hot date. Maybe there would be drinks and we could share a straw.

I woke up early and spent the whole morning waiting for the time to pass. Of course, because I was waiting for it to pass quickly, it had to move like molasses in January. Molasses in January? Where did that come from? I don't even know what molasses are. That must be one of my mom's brilliant and pithy little sayings that has somehow made its way into my brain. At least I didn't say it out loud in front of anyone interesting.

“Ready to go?” I turned at the sound of his voice, an idiotic grin springing onto my face. I wasn't expecting him to pick
me up. Gee, I wonder if he brought me flowers?

“Oh, is it time already?” I asked with the casual air of someone who had so much to do that she didn't even notice the passing of time. I even glanced at my watch as if I had no idea of the hour. Of course, seeing as I wasn't wearing a watch, the effect was a little lost on Wolf.

“Just about,” he answered.

“Then I guess we should go,” I said because I couldn't think of anything more interesting to say.

I scrambled in my mind for a conversation starter. Once again, I couldn't think of anything. In fairness to me, it's not like I could talk about history class or a movie I saw last night or even the ever-faithful standby, the weather. We weren't in school, didn't go anywhere and, at the moment, weren't heading outside.

“It's nice out,” Wolf said as we walked down the hall. OK, so I guess you can talk about the weather even when you aren't out in it. I looked out the window that Wolf was gesturing towards. It was indeed a beautiful day. You know the kind. When the clouds have disappeared completely and the sky is so blue you can see all the way to forever. I'd always loved that kind of day when I was a kid. It made me feel warm inside, as if I had just had a hot drink that was seeping into my soul.

“It is,” I said nodding. We walked along in silence, having exhausted the weather as a topic. Luckily it wasn't too far to the sunroom.

“Do you go outside?” he asked. There was a yard that we were allowed to use during our “down” time. Some people used it for exercise or quiet time as well. It was all enclosed
by high walls like at the local prison, so we couldn't pole vault over them with a tree branch or something. They had flower beds and benches and stuff. I hadn't really gone out much. I couldn't see the point to heading outside if I couldn't go anywhere.

“Not really.”

“Oh, I do sometimes. Marina's out there a lot. She has meditation time in her schedule and she's allowed to do that outside.” He was still looking out the window. The sun was streaming in, sort of surrounding him. He looked like some kind of gorgeous angel, like that guy from the cream cheese commercials. I just kind of stared at him in a daze. Luckily he was looking outside while I was staring at him and didn't seem to notice. I snapped out of it and looked in the same direction. Marina was out there all right. She was sitting cross-legged on a stone bench looking very quiet and peaceful. I wondered about the meditating thing. Was that her personal project, like my writing? I hadn't really thought much about anyone but myself since I got here. I didn't really know what her schedule was like compared to mine. I turned away from the window before she opened her eyes and saw us staring.

“Maybe I'll check out the yard today after group. I have an hour or so.” I tried not to sound too hopeful but I was waiting for him to suggest that we check out the yard together.

He didn't. Sigh.

“Sounds like a good idea. Let's head in, we're going to be late.” He turned from the window and headed for the sunroom. As I followed him down to the room where I was going to spend an hour listening to people talk about things
I wasn't sure that I wanted to listen to, I wondered if I had just entered the hall of fame of lame excuses for spending time with a guy.

lookingforlight says:
maybe you just needed to warm up more.

bodaciousbod says:
u do other exercise don't u?

divinethinspiration says:
yeah i run on my treadmill and do crunches

nevertoothin says:
u run. wow. so hard

divinethinspiration says:
crunches easier

lookingforlight says:
there r lots of other jobs u can do. ur smart

divinethinspiration says:
how do u know?

lookingforlight says:
can just tell. u write good

divinethinspiration says:
really? want to be a writer some day

lookingforlight says:
cool

divinethinspiration says:
i never told anyone that before

lookingforlight says:
thx for telling me

nevertoothin says:
u guys having a private conversation?

bodaciousbod says:
yeah, we think ur smart too!

nevertoothin says:
i think were all smart

bodaciousbod says:
have to be to find each other

nevertoothin says:
getting kind of sappy here

lookingforlight says:
sorry just trying to be positive

nevertoothin says:
u ok?

lookingforlight says:
kind of upset

bodaciousbod says:
sup?

lookingforlight says:
parents fighting a lot. talking big d

bodaciousbod says:
sucks

nevertoothin says:
totally

lookingforlight says:
fight over me sometimes. my fault. wish i could eat for them but can't

bodaciousbod says:
not ur fault. some parents just shouldn't be together.

divinethinspiration says:
all parents fight sometimes. definitely not ur fault. couples have their own problems.

lookingforlight says:
u think?

divinethinspiration says:
yeah. kids can't make parents split. u know that don't u? the big d is about them not u.

lookingforlight says:
i guess. made me eat chocolate though cause i felt bad and now feel worse. don't do the purge thing. too tired to work out.

divinethinspiration says:
it's ok. just eat less tomorrow. won't that work?

bodaciousbod says:
usually. just chill lfl. it'll be ok.

nevertoothin says:
just don't eat till tomorrow night.

lookingforlight says:
k i'll try. gtr. they're yelling again. need to get out

divinethinspiration says:
tc

lookingforlight says:
thx for helping me dt. ly

It felt good to have someone thank me for helping her. I felt less useless than I had been feeling recently. I felt bad for her though. Life was tough enough without worrying about parents. I mean, mine were acting pretty stupid but at least
they were solid. At least, they seemed to be.

My life wasn't feeling all that solid. My so-called friendship with the whole Suzanne brigade started to fade away pretty quickly by the end of grade ten, and by September of grade eleven, I had basically become invisible again. I didn't really care. I never ate at school anymore, and I was still having some trouble keeping up with my work so my lunches were better spent in the library anyway. Ruth, Alyssa, and Devon still said hi to me in the halls but I hadn't actually talked to any of them for a while. They had tried to call me different times over the summer and I know they waited for me to come online, but I hadn't been signing in recently. I felt kind of bad about that but the longer I avoided them, the harder it was to figure out how to start talking to any of them again. I felt like I would have to apologize or something and explain more than I wanted to. It was easier just to keep things casual. They had each other. They didn't need me anyway.