This Regret (7 page)

I turn my eyes to meet my grandmother’s. Her eyes almost look regretful, but that would be too much emotion to expect from that vile woman.

“Don’t you ever say anything bad about Zoe or Adric again.” I push my chair out of the way and get in her face. “You have no right to say what you did. If you have anything bad to say, then say it about me and me only,” I say, jabbing a finger in my chest. “How can you even speak about Adric that way? You evil-“

“Phoenix,” my mother calls out. “Let’s just calm down.”

I shake my head and back away before I can really lose control and hurt someone. “I really don’t want to hear anything that either one of you have to say. I have to go find Zoe now and pick up the pieces you two shattered.”

I walk around the side of the house to find Zoe sitting on the ground with her knees to her chest and her back pressed against the side of the garage. From the looks of
the half-smoked cigarette dangling between her lips, she doesn’t even notice me walking her way.

The wet grass tickles my toes as I approach her and the sky is filled with clouds, looking as if it’s about to rain again. Perfect weather for a crappy moment like this.

“Zoe.”

The cigarette falls to the ground by her feet as she looks up at me, her face moist with fresh tears. As much as I’d like to yell at her for having a cigarette, I can’t. Not after looking into those broken eyes full of pain. It hurts my heart.
“What do you want? Can’t you see I’m out here being stupid? You know like everyone thinks that I am,” she mumbles.

I crouch down in front of her and pull her in for a hug, but she pushes me away. “Zoe, stop it.” I pull her in again and this time I am successful enough to at least wrap my arms around her, with her arms pinned in between us. “That’s no
t true, Zoe. No one thinks you’re stupid.” I run my hand over the back of her curls as she leans into my shoulder. “You’re a hell of a lot smarter than me when it comes to certain things. Don’t listen to her. Don’t let her win, Zoe. She doesn’t know shit about you.”

She falls farther into me, finally giving in, as a sob escapes her throat. When is does, it is filled with so much pain that I can almost feel my heart shattering into a million pieces. I hate seeing her this way. If Adric were here, then he could fix this. Just as he always did for me. He’s not, so I have to do my best, even if it’s not enough.

“It’s so hard for me. I don’t know if I can do it anymore,” she whispers in a raspy voice. “I just want to run away from everyone and everything. You have no idea how it feels. Why did I get stuck with this family?”

Tears sting my eyelids as I pull her tighter against my chest and run my hands through her hair. “I do,” I whisper, holding back the tears. “More than you will ever know, Zoe.”

“Then how did you do it?” She pulls away, resting her head against the garage, while running her fingers through the wet grass. “How did you deal with being around our family after . . . you know, Adric?” She swallows hard while wiping at her face.
My eyes are burning, my throat is dry, and now I’m the one that feels like running. I can’t talk about that. I just can’t.

Losing Adric was the worst moment of my entire life and there will never be any words to describe the pain that I felt and still do. Not only was he my brother, but he was my best friend, m
y protector and the person I knew would always be there for me. He did everything for me. When I was scared, he was the one that crawled into my bed until I fell asleep. When I fell off my bike, he was the one that made me laugh and forget everything. When I got my first heartbreak, he was the one telling me I was too good for that loser. It was always him.

With only being fifteen, getting over his death and the feeling of abandonment was a tough struggle. I felt as if the whole world was falling in on me and everyday was a fight to keep breathing. It crushed my world.

Not only did I lose my brother that day, but to top it off, I lost someone that was like a second brother to me as well. I expected him to be there because my brother no longer was. Expected his shoulder to cry on and to be able to ask him the questions I didn’t know, but . . . he was gone too. Without them, I felt alone and my family wasn’t strong enough to be there for me, so I did the best with what I had left.

I stand up, smash the cigarette into the ground, and force a smile. “I had to be strong, Zoe.” I grab her hand and pull her to her feet. “Now let’s go show that old hag to the front door.”

The twisted look on Zoe’s face makes me laugh. Her eyebrows raise up and her freckled forehead scrunches up. “I’ll show her alright.”

Her pace quickens and her fists clench at her sides, as we get closer to the door. She’s just a little too determined right now. It’s a little scary.

“Zoe,” I say, stopping her.

She turns around and exhales. “What?”

Pushing her behind me with my hip, I reach for the sliding door. I shove her shoulder and put on a serious face. “Don’t think we won’t be discussing that cigarette with mom later.”

She throws her arms up in frustration, her eyes wide with worry. “Come on, Phoenix!”

* * *

I can’t hold back the laughter as the frisbee flies through the air and smacks Kade in the back of the head, making a loud thud.

He spins around to face me and takes a step forward, grabbing me by the hips, but I laugh, pushing him away. “That deserves a spanking,” he whispers,
biting his lip. “I told you I wasn’t ready yet.”

I place my hand on his chest and give him a shove. “Oh, was that what you said?”
Sucker
.

“I knew it. I fucking knew it, guys.”

Oh crap!
Looks like someone is a little earlier than expected.

Pulling away from Kade, I twist my head to the right to see Jen walking down the bike path with Jax snuggled in her arms.

“He was just getting me back for hitting him in the head with the frisbee, but never mind that.” I reach out and scoop Jax right out of Jen’s tight grip. “About time you brought my little guy to see me. I was about to come kidnap you.” I poke Jax in the nose and smile as he giggles. “He’s getting too big, Jen. Make it stop.”

Jax will be turning one in just a few months and it’s hard to believe how much he has grown in the last few weeks. I have been friends with Jen since we were old enough to walk
and you had better believe this little boy is spoiled. It’s almost as if the little cutie is mine. I just wish I could see him more often.

He looks up at me with those big brown eyes and smacks me right in the face with his plastic set of keys. “Ouch,” I say, making a sad face at Jax. “You’re just lucky that you’re so cute and loveable.”

Kade laughs while tossing the frisbee to Jen. “Good job, little guy.” He holds his hand up in front of Jax waiting for a high-five that never comes. “No love?”

Jen snaps her arm out with a quickness that only a new mother can have, and pinches his arm. “Don’t teach him that violence is okay.”

He grabs his arm and gives her a clueless look. “You just pinched me,” he points out. “Isn’t that condoning violence?”

Jax laughs in that cute little baby voice and throws his arms out at Kade.

When Kade makes a sad face and grabs his arm in pain, Jax laughs again and bounces up and down in my arms.

“Now look.” Jen tosses the frisbee up before catching it again. “Now he thinks it’s cute when someone gets hurt. Great job, moron.”

“He’s fine, Jen. Don’t get your panties in a bunch . . .”

Their conversation trials off as I look around the park, my eyes scanning for the place with the most shade. It’s a hot June afternoon and I don’t want little Jax to be uncomfortable for even a minute. I don’t get to see Jax very often anym
ore and I want him to know he’s safe and taken care of when I do.

I take a seat under a tree and place Jax on my lap, while looking up to see Kade and Jen throwing the frisbee to each other still arguing about who is right. “I missed you, little guy.” I hold him up in the air and place my nose against his. “I haven’t seen you in almost two whole weeks. You better stop being too busy for me.”

“Y’all better start talking,” Jen yells out. “Don’t think that I didn’t see Kade stick his hands up your shorts the other day at work. That was just wrong.” She turns to face Kade before tossing him the frisbee again. “You dirty boy.”

“It’s nothing, Jen.” I give Kade a dirty look as he smirks proudly. If I was close enough, I would slap him upside the head. “It’s all in fun. Right, Kade? We’re only friends.”

“Just friends, huh?” He lifts a brow, pretending to act clueless before flashing Jen a charming smile. “Yeah, Jen. What’s wrong with two adults that have known each other practically their whole lives having a little fun? I can’t help it if I’m so irresistible.”

Jen takes her eyes away from Kade right as the frisbee smacks her in the shoulder. “Yeah, whatever,” she replies, while grabbing her shoulder and giving Kade a dirty look. “I would be careful though before someone gets hurt.”

“We’ll be fine, mother.” I laugh. “Thanks for the advice. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“I ask myself the same thing,” she mutters.

An hour of fun, and a lost frisbee later, Nathan pulls up in his Jeep and steps out. Without bothering to say hi to anyone, he leans against the side of his Jeep and motions for Jen to join him.

Kade takes a seat next to me as we both watch Jen jog over to stand in front of Nathan.

“I’ve always hated that guy,” Kade growls. “He’s lucky Jen loves him or else I would’ve kicked his ass about five different times by now.”

Watching them from across the grass, I can’t help but to wonder what he’s saying to her. I can’t hear anything, but from the look on his face, he doesn’t look the least bit happy.

I hand Jax over to Kade and get ready to stand up, but Kade grabs my wrist to stop me. “Whoa. Don’t go over there and make it worse.” He studies Nathan’s face while gripping my thigh. “If he does anything then I should be the one to go over there. Just give them a minute.”

Thinking about
it for a minute, I realize he’s right. I don’t even know what they’re talking about and I really have no reason to go over there and start a dramatic scene. For all I know, they’re not even fighting. Maybe he’s just worried about Jax.

“Fine.”

While I have Kade alone for a minute, I somehow decide this is the perfect time to ask the question I’ve wanted to ask for years. So, I take a deep breath and blurt it out before I can stop myself. “Do you ever wonder about Kellan? It’s been eight years, Kade.”

His jaw clenches as he turns his head away. “Every fucking day.” He turns back to face me, his eyes hard with hate and pain. “He made his choice though. He decided to leave us. If he cared, then he would be here.”

“Yeah.” I swallow back the lump in my throat at the memory of that day. Just hours after the news of Adric’s death, we got a phone call from Dale, telling us they found Kellan’s car smashed up on the side of the road but there was no sign of him. We haven’t heard from him since and it’s been killing me every day. “You’re probably right.”

“I am right,” he mutters.

A few minutes later, Nathan is back in his Jeep and speeding off and away from the park.

“What was that all about?” I ask as Jen walks back over and reaches for Jax.

She rubs her hand over Jax’s head before kissing his cheek. “Oh it was nothing. Apparently, he made dinner and was wondering if I was going to come home to eat it before it gets cold. I must’ve left my cellphone in my Jeep.” She smiles at Kade and me before grabbing Jax’s diaper bag. “I’ll see you guys this weekend for the company picnic.”

Kade gives Jax a high five and slaps Jen on the butt, causing her to jump. “Okay. He better have prepared something fucking great to interrupt our game of frisbee. I was kicking your ass.”

Jen laughs. “You lost the frisbee, remember, genius? So really, I won.” She leans in so I can give both her and Jax a hug. “Bye, sweetie.”

“Okay, bye,” I say unsure, getting a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Enjoy your dinner.”

As soon as Jen is out of sight, Kade grabs me by my ass and pulls my body against his. “I have somewhere I want to take you.” He kisses my neck, before bringing his lips up to meet mine.

I let out a moan as he sucks my bottom lip in between his teeth and softly nibbles it. It doesn’t take long before I find my hands caressing his chest getting lost in him again.

“Oh yeah?” I question while pushing my hands under his shirt and over his hard nipples. “Are you finally going to ask me out on a date?” I tease.

He picks me up, with my chest pressed against his and sets me up against the tree. “Nope.” He trails kisses up my neck while running his hands over my inner thigh teasing me. “Even better than that. A tattoo shop.” His hand stops on my crotch, running his fingers over the thin fabric of my leggings, while biting my ear. “You’ve been wanting a tattoo for as long as I can remember. I found a cool little place about fifteen minu
tes out of town and I heard they do the best work.”

Leaning my neck back, I reach out grabbing his erection that has been poking me for the last five minutes. “Does the idea of me getting a tattoo turn you on or something? I would be careful with that thing and where you point it.” I give it a little tap and giggle.