Thou Shalt Not (35 page)

This whole night was crazy. I drove my fingers through my hair.

“And, lately, I thought my waiting had paid off. That you were warming up to the idea of us. Things have been good. We’ve actually talked. Holy shit, I have wanted to really talk for as long as I can remember. And then tonight, I went over there just to drop off something I bought for you. And I found...” Her voice caught, and she stopped herself.

Holly was fighting tears now.

“And then, it hit me,” she said softly.

“What did?”

She was crying now.

“I love you, Luke. But you’re never going to love me back.”

Those words didn’t sink in. They hit me like a baseball bat to the head.

We had never used that word. Ever.

Love?

She said love.

“Whoa,” I said. “What did you just say?”

“Huh?” she said, looking up at me, tears still in her eyes.

“You just said you loved me, Holly.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t know.”

Oh my god.

I stood up and laced my fingers behind my head, breathing in deeply. No one had told me they loved me in a really long time. Not since Carrie.

“I didn’t,” I said. “I didn’t. This whole time, I thought...I didn’t know. You always said you liked the way things were. I didn’t know.”

I sat back down, my hands shaking.

“I knew I loved you the last time we sat on this bench.”

“How?”

“Because your heart doesn’t break for someone you just want to sleep with.”

I was never one to throw the word “love” around. It was always a serious word to me. I had probably told three people in my life that weren’t family that I loved them. Holly wasn’t a flippant person with feelings either. I had no doubt she meant love when she said love. And that’s why I was floored.

“Why haven’t you said this before?” I asked.

“I just thought it would work out,” she said, shaking her head. “I thought you’d realize.”

But, I had realized. Not to the extent where I would have thought she loved me, but I certainly realized feelings were there.

I moved to the grass in front of the bench and sat facing her.

She was beautiful, truly, but she wasn’t some porcelain doll who had been sitting on a shelf her whole life. Holly had been forced to really live life early on, and her face bore the edge she had been required to develop. Her eyes, especially. But, underneath that badass exterior was a woman who was still fragile, who still needed to be taken care of. She was always kind. Always putting other people first and removing her own feelings or desires from the equation to be able to be what people needed her to be. I had seen her do that over and over again. Hell, if Albert were to be believed, she was doing it all the time, no matter who knew. And I was positive it was true. But, for some reason I had missed the fact that she had also been doing it for me the whole time too.

And now, here she sat before me, having bared her soul for the first time. She wasn’t the type to let people see the vulnerable side of her, and I knew what it had to have taken for her to get to that point.

This wasn’t one of those “let’s smooth things over” moments. I had to choose what I really wanted. Not, just for an exciting next few months, but for what could potentially be a lifetime. Yes, I enjoyed myself with April. She did make me feel alive. I felt that spark around her. But I really knew so little about her. I realized that when she had gotten nasty with Holly. Holly didn’t have a side like that. Everything she did tonight was a reaction to the hurt I had caused her. But, April hadn’t been hurt, and she attacked anyway. Cruelly.

Albert hadn’t said anything directly when he decided to share his stories about Holly, but he didn’t have to because I knew what he was saying. And he was right.

Holly was kind to everyone, not to put on a show or look better than she really was. Her essence was kindness, and she didn’t call attention to it. She just lived it every day. While cussing profusely and pretending that she didn’t.

“I was an ass,” I finally said. “Really, I was. I am. I knew feelings were there. On your end. God, they were there on my end too. The other morning I woke up and you weren’t there and I missed you and wished you were. I’m not sure why I pursued anything with her. You asked me earlier why her, and I don’t think I have an answer to that. When I got married, I chose wrong. I never should have married Carrie. God, I’ve never actually said that out loud.” I dropped my head.

I felt like a terrible person for saying it. But, I had thought it plenty. Best to acknowledge it and get it out there. Accept it.

“I chose wrong and knew it. But she got sick. And then she was gone. And it hurt. She may not have been the right one for me, but we were still close. It hurt
bad
. And the idea of getting into anything else scared me. Because I could choose wrong again. And because the next person could leave me too.”

The words just flowed. They weren’t rehearsed. But I was the one whose voice was cracking now.

“Maybe I saw we were getting closer lately and I went after something that wasn’t serious. But it was serious, in a different way. Because she’s married. And she’s a coworker. I was selfish. And foolish. And you asked why and it hit me. I could list a million different reasons if she had asked me why you. But when you asked why her, I couldn’t.”

“What are you saying, Luke?”

The words from Carrie’s letter came flashing back to me. “The right one for you will probably have been in front of you the whole time. I know you, you won’t be paying attention. But, don’t let her slip through the cracks.”

April leaving my life would remove some fun I’d had over the last few weeks, a chemistry that did exist. But, I didn’t want to think about Holly exiting my life. Then it hit me. Hard.

“I came after you,” I said out loud. “Not her.”

I was admitting this to myself more than anything.

“Carrie left me. I don’t want you to. And I’m sorry it took this happening to realize that.”

Holly’s eyes were closed and she was running her thumbnail along the carved W in KM+WP.

I got up and pulled her to her feet. I held onto the tops of her arms as I forced her to look at me.

“We’ve never been very good about saying what we want. So, let me try. I want you, Holly. I want to try us again.”

“What about her?”

“I don’t want her. “

“How do you know?”

“Because,” I said, “she’s not like you.”

Her bottom lip trembled.

We stood looking at each other for a long time, neither of us saying anything.

April was probably blowing up my phone, which I had left in the car. But, it didn’t matter.

I had been trying to end things with her before they had started. My mind had been subconsciously attempting to get me out of it, and I kept letting myself get sucked back in. Now, the getting out would be more difficult.

But, it would be worth it.

We went our separate ways a few minutes later. I kissed her on the cheek, but nothing more. I knew inviting her back to my place wasn’t the right move. I had hurt her, after all, by sleeping with April, and while Holly seemed okay with my arm around her, I doubted she would be comfortable with much else right that second.

We agreed to talk again the next day.

When I got back to my phone, I was surprised to see that the message I had received from April while I had been tracking down Holly was the only one she had sent.

Can you tell me what’s going on?

It was already late, and any response now would seem very tardy. But, no response at all would be an asshole move.

Yes. Are you still up?
I replied.

I drove home in silence, and my phone didn’t chime with a new message. It didn’t chime as I got home, as I took a shower, or as I lay down to go to bed.

My sleep was not sound that night. I kept looking at my phone for a response from April that I knew wasn’t coming. I had no real clue what I was going to say to her, but after all that had happened over the last week, I knew she wasn’t going to take it well.

God, I should have ended things before they started.

Fucking complications.

I dressed quickly for work, forgoing a breakfast I knew my stomach wouldn’t be able to handle.

My thoughts continued to be on April and how I was going to handle it.

On my way to the school, I texted to see if she wanted me to pick up coffee before I came in.

She didn’t respond, and I was tempted to get her some anyway, but I decided against it and drove to the school.

I got out of my car and made my way toward the front doors.

A group of early drop-offs sat on the tables outside. I recognized a few of them from the baseball team.

“Mr. H, did you see that?” One of them said to me as I neared the table. I’m pretty sure my hands were shaking.

“See what?” I said, not in the mood to have casual conversation right then.

“That pitcher for the Rays who went nuts the other day!”

“Yeah, I watched it,” I said, walking right past them.

“No, Mr. H. He’s here.”

“What?” I said, spinning back toward them.

“He just walked in. Asked where the English classrooms were.”

At that moment, it felt like my life went into slow motion. I remember everything about the next few seconds:

A blue Ford Taurus was parking along the curb, letting out another student.

A cricket jumped over a crack in the sidewalk.

A student dropped a bottle of water onto the ground.

If Marco somehow had discovered that April and I had been out together the previous night, he was at the school to raise hell. Or worse.

I hurried through the doors, and went straight for the stairwell, skipping two or three steps at a time.

The thought crossed my mind more than once in that brief period of time that it was entirely possible Marco had brought a dangerous weapon into the school, intending to harm his wife or someone else. In this case, I assumed that someone else was me.

I reached the hallway at the top of the stairs, and quickly walked down it. I could hear voices in the adjoining hallway, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.

My heart was thumping so loudly I could feel it in my head.

I turned the corner and saw them. April and Marco, standing in the hallway. For some reason, Landry was with them.

He must have been on his way to tutoring with Stephanie.

Marco’s back was turned to me, but April’s eyes looked afraid.

“Mr. H, check it out! We have a celebrity in the house.”

Marco turned and looked at me, and his eyes lit up. I wasn’t sure if it was recognition, or something else.

But, either way, he flashed a big smile.

“I’m Marco, April’s husband,” he said loudly, reaching out his hand to me.

“Luke Harper,” I said, meeting his hand in the middle.

Men have many ways they attempt to exert their authority and masculinity, but one of the most frequent is through a handshake. A man who wants to immediately let the other guy know that he is the supreme Alpha in the room will attack a handshake, and squeeze down with the force of a crocodile’s jaw. Some men have even perfected the angle in which they grab the other guy’s hand, tilting their hand slightly to the right, getting a better grip and enabling them to squeeze even harder. A man who does this is usually always an asshole.

I expected this from Marco, and even adjusted the angle of my hand so he wouldn’t be able to inflict damage, but to my surprise, the shake was firm but very polite. He wasn’t trying to prove anything to me, at least not through the handshake.

“You must be one of April’s coworkers,” he said, letting go and putting his arm around his wife.

“Yes,” I replied, as coolly as possible. “She’s in the classroom right next to mine.”

“Good,” he said. Boisterous was certainly a word I would have used to describe him. “You can keep an eye on her for me that way.”

He laughed and pulled April closer.

Landry stood back in awe of the professional athlete standing before him, asshole or not.

I was sure April wanted to know what the hell he was doing there. I wanted to ask him the same thing. And if he was here, where were their children? Had the nanny flown with them?

I needed to take Landry and give them some space. But, I didn’t want to go too far. There was still the possibility of crazy Marco going crazy. And even though I was ready to end things with April, I wasn’t about to throw her to the wolf.

“Landry, shouldn’t you be heading over to your tutoring?” I asked, beginning to move toward the classrooms myself.

“Oh, yeah, man,” he said. “I forgot.”

He turned and headed quickly toward Mrs. Lerner’s room. Then he stopped, turned around, and came back.

“Do you think maybe I could have your autograph?” he asked.

Marco beamed.

“Of course, my man. Of course.”

Marco gestured for Landry to hand him something to sign.

“Oh, crap,” he said. Landry fumbled through his bag for something, but was coming up empty-handed.

“I’ll tell you what, my man. I’ve got a few baseballs in the car. Why don’t I sign one for you and leave it with her?” Marco said, gesturing to April.